Cheated in the past but he can’t let go, advice?

[Anonymous]

I made a mistake. Cheated on my ex boyfriend. Fast forward to my current relationship now. I was honest on why my last relationship didn’t work. But now my current boyfriend doesn’t trust me and is always checking up on me. To the point where he is pushing me away. How can I make him see that I made a mistake in the past and it doesn’t define who I am. Advice?

Updates

+1 y

It’s incredible on how sensitive this subject is for men. We view men as notorious for cheating and at times not caring towards the damage it does a woman.

But once the tables turn, men are just as sensitive as women can be when it comes to this type of betrayal.

Thank you everyone for sharing by the way and your advice.

[lilyanony1]

I'd consider what it was that made you cheat on the ex to begin with. There's always an underlying reason.
If you can say you know what it is and you've worked on the reasons you wouldn't do it again.
You can sternly offer your partner a ultimatum.
He doesn't need to know or understand what you learnt from analysing the reason for cheating.

You offered your honesty and he decided to date you.
But living as you are. Under the constant watchful eye will not make you love him more.

You don't deserve this especially if you haven't flirted, been sneaking around or doing any of the typical cheating behaviours people do.

The ultimatum some people will day is wrong but in my honest opinion I truly think its necessary because he's punishing you everyday for something you haven't done.

Be prepared to lose him for peace of mind. And if he chooses to stay be prepared to work at working together to alleviating both your stresses.

Ultimatums don't have to be delivered in a heated argument, you can just say to someone this is how it's making me feel and I can't continue like this.
Either we a or we b...

But you have to be in a place where you can deal with either outcome you have to be strong, and have conviction.

I don't want anyone to break up but this will only lead to it if it doesn't stop.


Sorry if you think my advice is wrong.

Good luck.

[Simply_M3]

I'm not judging you for your past action. However, in my opinion, there is no coming back from cheating. It breaks the trust and sanctity of the relationship. You made a commitment to be faithful to one another. Your word was bond, and now it means nothing. You shared the most intimate parts of you with another, your mind, your body, your soul and your emotions.

You can't cut someone and tell them when or how to heal. That's not how it works. You can't pull a flower out of the ground and then tell it to grow.

The trust has to be built back and that takes time. And even then, it may never really truly come back. Honestly, it may be in both of your best interest to spend time a part. You are going to spend all of your time trying to make things right and he's going to spend all his time trying to believe if you're authentic. That's s recipe for disaster and doesn't make for a happy or successful relationship.

This was the choice you made, there was no mistake. And the consequence is you having to deal with being pushed away while he heals.

I don't think you should have to spend a lifetime begging for forgiveness. But, this should make you reflect more on your actions and there consequences.

[CuriousJC]

You should have never cheated in the first place. Love is a process relationship, you can expect to be in a relationship with someone then go behind his back and cheat with somebody else just because that person can't satisfied your needs and desires thinking someone else can do it better than your boyfriend. That's why most people always say "think before you act" before you doing anything such as going in a relationship with someone you don't like. You must not like your boyfriend if you're cheating on him with someone else. So of course he won't trust you because you cheated on them regardless who it was. You see when you get into a relationship with any type of person, he or she put his and her trust in your hands for the first time and see how willing you go with it and you do the same with that person. Then when you cheated on someone that trust that person put in your hands is gone for good. There really is no mistake, the best thing you can do is just break up with him then find someone else who's willing to be in an open relationship that way you can't cheat anymore or give him the permission to cheat on you that way you both can be even

[noohair]

In my humble opinion, it is an issue with men because of their fragile male ego. It can be a deal breaker with some. That is why there are some thing you keep to yourself. You know you made a mistake and you don't want to repeat that mistake. He can't be sure because his simple caveman ego is like an egg and it does not fix well when broken. Good luck.

[Djaay]

Shut up idiot... none of this is true. TF is wrong with you?

[Aakash_Hangargi]

So if men cheated on women , it's bc they have had ego? Not just bc of lust

[Aakash_Hangargi]

By they I mean women

[YesICan]

If I knew that someone is prone to fucking up, i'd be cautions and really careful too. It's not a ego thing, I'm shocked that a guy who is close to his 70s thinks like this.

(Also to the anonymous girl that gave him the MHG, it shows that you're just baised and you're here to hear the things that are pleasing to your ears. The guy in your life has reasons to not trust you.) He said nothing truly helpful, he just said the things you want to hear.

[globetrotter22]

Quit being a male feminist. It’s disgusting.

All signs point to her voluntarily telling him this vs. him asking her. Why the hell did she have to tell him that? The reason why is she just wants someone most preferably her new boyfriend to tell she not a POS for what she did earlier. Make her feel better for her shitty past decision she still feels guilty about.

Also it sounds like she did this crap in her 30s. This was some stupid ass youthful decision she made at 19 at a drunken frat party.

When it comes down to it, it’s not really what she did or didn’t in the past. If she seriously respected her new boyfriend she would of kept a tight lid on her past indiscretions. He’s not her “gal pal”.

[CuriousJC]

This may sound a little stupid but I really wish this was a law. Anyone who cheats on their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend should pay a $600 fine and spend three months in prison. Because the way I see it, lovers cheat on each other with other people because their relationship and maybe sex life go stale after a while. It seems no matter how attractive a woman or man is there's someone else out there who is much more attractive than the previous person you fell in love with.

[noohair]

@Djaay A classical liberal education accepted that there are different opinions and accepted the right to have an opinion. Classical Liberalism also stated that, I disagree with everything you might say, but I defend your right to speak freely and have your opinion. Classical Liberalism is DEAD! It has been replaced with progressive indoctrination. I am right and you are evil and I hate you! Hatred cripples the brain. Welcome to the new world of the ubiquitous effete moron.

[coachTanthony]

If he had any balls he would leave instead of being so over protective of someone he doesn't trust. Why would anyone want to be involved with someone who they don't trust? That is dumb. So he doesn't trust you... it's up to you to tell him that and say goodbye.

Do better next time. No need to tell everyone you date you make a poor decision that certainly doesn't affect them when you know you would never do it again.

[Tstrbrainer]

I don't agree with your last paragraph.

[coachTanthony]

@Tstrbrainer Thanks I guess lol

[globetrotter22]

If she told the truth when asked that’s one thing. But it sounds like she volunteered that information.

If that’s the case that is more her trying to alleviate guilt vs owning up to her bs. There is a difference.

But seriously how often do people ask their new boyfriend/girlfriend “hey have you ever cheated?” Most people don’t ask that because depending on the context is can be a very distrustful/insulting question to ask. No I bet you a million bucks she brought it up first. That’s where the issue lies. She’s just hoping he will say “oh that no big deal” and instead she got the opposite.

[Tstrbrainer]

But these are parts of material information. Some people would take it very seriously if material information are suppressed and they found out about it later on.
Some people would leave the relationship no matter how good the spouse is

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer i dunno. If she cheated on her ex, suffered the consequences of him rightfully breaking up her and then did heavy self reflection vowing to never do that again, she might be forgiven. It’s really about owning up to the mistake vs just trying to alleviate guilt or worse trying to justify it. If there are any signs that it’s the very last then her boyfriend needs to leave ASAP. Women like that are very likely to cheat again.

[Tstrbrainer]

She can forgive herself, but that doesn't mean her current boyfriend have to put up with her, if he can't accept it, he should leave anyway

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer again it’s the fact that she VOLUNTEERED this information. She has yet to indicate otherwise (e. g. he ask her about it).

Different story if she screwed up in the past, learned her lesson and didn’t want to talk about it but was honest when asked. If all one time cheaters were undateble then that would likely leave over half of the population single.

I cheated on my first girlfriend at 16. I confessed to her and she dumped me a week later. We were just HS kids but I learned my lesson. I sure as hell didn’t voluntarily tell any future gfs about what I did back then. If they asked I would tell them “yeah I did something stupid as a kid but I vowed to never to do that again and I didn’t”.

[Tstrbrainer]

I won't tell they are undateable, I can't speak for others, but I'll consider it as an important information and I'll be disclosing all such facts before entering a relationship.

And I expect the same

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer yes but the details of a past experience will always sound different to someone else vs. how we actually experienced it. They weren’t there to feel the temptation nor feel the regret. Some doors are better left shut.

She’s old enough to understand that. She’s old enough to realize there is no value of telling him that. It’s in the past and should stay there.

No she brought it up because she wants someone to tell her it’s “okay” now. THAT is the real issue. He was the wrong person to say that to (different story if he asked.)

[Tstrbrainer]

Temptation and regret are natural feelings and are not justifications or excuses.
So others need not understand those emotions.

If I ever find out any such past later in the relationship, I'll leave ASAP

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer I get what you are saying. But I’m all about not holding someone to a higher standard than I hold myself. I cheated only once in my life when I was a kid. If she did the same (long time ago) then I got to have some grace there. Also I have been promiscuous in certain stages in my life. But once I commit I commit. Can I really hold someone to a higher standard than that?

But a grown ass woman doing this in her 30s is alarming especially if she volunteered this information.

It also disgusts me about how women try to justify cheating because of their “emotions”. Like society is supposed to be softer on them. Bullshit. Guys never get away with that bs excuse so why do women? On top that women tend to be more attracted to taken vs single men when all else equal. We deal with more temptation thanks to backward female psychology.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah, I too won't expect my partner to be a saint if I'm not one myself.

But I do respect her if she voluntarily disclosed this information so that he could take an informed decision.
If he's not comfortable and yet saying with her, it's on him.

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer I agree. He has a right to be very concerned but acting paranoid has a way of pushing reverse psychology on people.

If it was me in that position it would all come down to HOW she acts about it. If she she acts like it’s no big deal then that’s a huge red flag. But if she owns up to making a huge mistake I might consider some grace there. It’s not like she cheated on him.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah I get you. Anyway, different people have different attitudes, so I think it's okay to voluntarily disclose information as some people can accept the change of heart, like you said

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer I’ve found over the years that some doors are better left shut (as long as it was a lesson learned). The issue is way we look at it isn’t going to be the same way someone else looks at it.

I used to be the kind of guy who was “open book” and wore my heart on my sleeve. Overall that did much more damage in my relationships than help.

However if asked you should be truthful of course. If don’t want to answer the question then say you prefer not to admit it. For example I had one ex who wanted to know “my number”. Truth is it was a very high number. I told her I didn’t want to say because I saw no benefit of her knowing that.

[Tstrbrainer]

I find it a little selfish.
It's true that some doors are better left shut, if the lesson is learned, but not for the other person who we are dragging into our lives. They have the right to choose for themselves.

Of course, one's past mistakes might have an effect on their future relationships, they might not be able to find a person who stays, but think of this, is it the other person's fault? One doesn't have to put up with the bullshit from other's past, even if they have learned from it.

Do you think your ex would have stayed with you, if you were honest about your number?

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer she wasn’t that judgmental and probably would of stayed. But everything went south for other reasons.

Again I used to be the guy who wore my emotions on my sleeve and was very honest about everything around women. Just in my experience that seems to “get to the heart” but doesn’t “get the heart”. Women have cat like personality and like mystery.

You can say that’s immature and maybe it is. But still unless there is an issue of STDs, kids or a (true) stalker issue than I don’t see the benefit of disclosing all those details. I’m definitely not a f boy anymore. Plus I was younger and dumber back then.

[Tstrbrainer]

Well, you do have a point. And that's how people usually date.

But personally, I will go with full disclosure.

[globetrotter22]

@Tstrbrainer fair enough man. Good luck to you out there and nice chatting w/ you.

[Tstrbrainer]

Nice to talk to you too. 👍

[pervertedjester]

Cheating in the youthful yet distant past- hey everyone needs to learn the lesson once.

Cheating in your 30s- You knew better and still failed to let the lesson sink in.

Life's a lottery, be lucky.

[SlightlyEccentric]

Love is like a casino... It was rigged from the start

[t-8900]

cheating is the only thing I can't work through in relationships, that's how devastating it is. It's not just the act of cheating, its the act of betrayal, it's the act of lying, it's the act of deceit, and for some of us there's just no coming back from that. If he's still with you he does care. But that resentment will be there probably for the rest of his life. You not only had another man inside you, you made him question his own manhood and self worth. A man's pride is his most important part of his life, it's his image and identity. Some of you ladies just do not get how devastating it is for us. The leading cause for male suicides is infidelity and divorce, just a little FYI for all the ladies out there who read this. We are much more caring and emotional than we let on. We just don't usually get to show that because again our manhood comes into question. And society is confusing and blurring the lines on what it really means for a man to be a man. It's VERY hard on us mentally and spiritually so we look for that special someone to confide in and help us with those issues. And sadly that person he chose made him feel like his fears have been reaffirmed.

[Ninaface]

Some men don't understand either. I had a group of guys who thought that getting someone fired from a job was worse than cheating on your wife and child. As if that makes any sense. Since this woman got her husband fired before she left him, after she found out he was cheating.

[t-8900]

I like that you added "cheating on your wife AND child". So true! Wish more people brought that up.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him, that this whole charade is bothering you. You are well aware of what you have done and it can’t be undone. You know how trusting is hard but acknowledging something and being absolutely honest about it before starting a relationship speaks volumes about you. Some people just blames it all on the crazy ex and people fall for it, trying to be best one ever and end becoming yet another crazy ex!
You have been honest, and if you felt the need to take suggestions from absolute strangers that means you are willing to work on your relationship and doing your part as much as humanely possible.
Now, you can talk about it to your boyfriend and give him a choice and some space to make a decision.
You can tell him, how you feel about his actions, and you will understand if he wants to break up with you. So that you two can start afresh with yourselves and not constantly live with stress that his behaviour has been causing you.
But if he chooses to be with you, then tell him to not throw you under the bus with what you shared with him and were completely honest about but give you two a chance to build better and let history remain history, unless someone really wants to travel all the way back there because you definitely can’t continue to constantly guilt trip and ignore other aspects of life.
Throw the ball in his court since he clearly seems to be bothered but maybe is passive aggressive about expressing it.
Talk it out, you both deserve some peace and light. 💚

[aliciajohn]

Thing is, he doesn't owe it to you to trust you. You did the right thing by coming to him about this but he has every right to not trust you. This isn't grounds for him overstepping your boundaries, though.

What I would do is make it clear to him that he is overstepping boundaries, admit your past mistakes, acknowledge his concerns and the impact your past has had on his view of you, and then tell him that his actions are harming you.

I don't know the logistics of how your cheating occurred but many times cheating occurs because of a lack of communication so make it clear to your partner that you are invested in being transparent with him. Instead of finding ways to convince him of your innocence, try asking him how you can help him transition to a place where he feels as though you are trustworthy. In essence, the burden of "accepting you" is on him right now when it shouldn't be. Make it as easy for him as possible by accommodating to him while respecting yourself. Relationships should obviously be based on trust and, in your case, that requires both you being given your own space to feel respected and him being reassured in your relationship. If this doesn't work and he keeps persisting in his checking behavior, then it's a matter of a lack of respect and I would wonder if you should stay together.

[Diodoro]

Get introspective with yourself first and be honest with yourself why you cheated, without blaming your ex. Remove anything he did or said out of it.

You as a person, what inside you lead you to cheat, rather than just end the relationship. When you can honestly answer that question to yourself.

You can then convey that to your boyfriend what happened, why it happened, what you have done to address that and why it will not happen again.

Because all he really has to go off of right now is that you ever track record of being untrustworthy

[Diodoro]

Part of the reason I say focus on the reason inside of you is because that's something that you have control over and that's also something that your boyfriend can trust

If you try to put partial blame on your ex for why you cheated. Then your boyfriend knows that in your relationship now when things aren't going the way you want them to or that you feel he is being unfair, that might be reason enough for you to cheat on him

Take full responsibility for your past decisions

[MrOracle]

I wish I could give this a million thumbs up.

[madgoat]

I don't regards cheating as a mistake. You deliberately sabotaged your past relationship and should own it as such.
However.
I would suit your current boyfriend down and explain that part performance is not necessarily an indicator of future performance.
I. e. He either trusts you and the relationship benefits, or he doesn't. What he's doing now is not working for you and you won't continue to punished for something that happened long before he was around.
Be an adult, be a woman, he might just but your earnestness.

[AnggieGirl]

Unfortunately we can’t make someone trust us. I used to cheat, it was just once T the beginning of a relationship. I later found out I did it so that way when my boyfriend would do me wrong, I always had a win over him, I could say wel I cheated on you so whatever.
Now single for my own reasons, for ten years, I’ve done lots of inside work and I don’t tell people about my past. I’ve had short relationships that are short enough I can say I’ve been single this whole time… but I never told them about my past. It’s no ones business who we have slept with in the past.
Just have to learn from your mistake and not do it anymore.

[Tstrbrainer]

I suggest that if you ever get into a relationship, better find a guy who shares your same idea of treating past as past

[Interstate]

If his feelings of distrust are this strong, it is best to cut the ties with him. It is possible he had this happen in a former relationship. And if that is the case, he shouldn't have gotten with you until he has dealt with his trust issues. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship. Basically at this point you are in an "empty calorie" relationship. The body of your relationship isn't absorbing any nutrients from the food your relationship is consuming. But at this point it is best to go your separate ways and move on with life. At least until he gets over his trust issue (s) and feels he is ready to try again. IF that happens.

[bubbles328]

Past relationships are in the past. Nobody will ever understand why you did what you did but only you. Sometimes when we cheat it changes us in a way which we may never do it again for certain reasons. Maybe you lost a guy you loved. I would explain to him that you didn’t need to tell him why your past relationship ended but you did and that shows your honesty and the fact that you laid all your cards on the table for him to see. That should give you some credit. Tell him how much he actually means to you and maybe why you did what you did and how you regret it now. If it continues that’s your current boyfriends insecurity not your problem

[LinaDaGoddess]

How old were you when you cheated? If you were at a young age, you can use that as a learning experience. If you were an adult then it’s a little different, you have to put in the work that’s required to prove to him that you’ve changed.


It’s very hard because now he’s always going to have that in the back of his mind that he knows you’ve cheated in the past. Some things are better left unsaid especially if you’ve changed and became a better person. That doesn’t mean lie when you’re questioned, it’s just a reminder that you don’t have to tell everything. You know?

[DarkWinterNights]

While the honesty is appreciated, I’ve seen what cheating can do to people and it’s one of my biggest fears of being in a serious relationship. I would have a hard time trusting you too. Overwhelmingly cheating isn’t a one time thing. You just have to have patience with him.

[Nik1hil]

See cheating is a fetish...
If you done it once you are bound to do it..
Admit it!..
Tell him...

"Yes I admit I have this fault."

Tell him... "I will try my hardest to not cheat on you.. But if I even ended up cheating.. I will confess to you within 24hrs..
Surrender myself to the punishment of your choice.."
"But I cannot see you like this constantly worried about that if I am cheating on you..
If you are going to be this worried.. Than it's best if we end things right now..".

If you confess right now and admit your fault.. You will earn his faith... And once you have his faith he will trust you...

Also if things don't work for this guy.. You need to find a CUCK Man to be with.. You can be in bed laying next to him.. While other men is penetrating your vagina from behind and he will be happy seeing this happen..

[AnggieGirl]

Cheating isn’t ONLY a fetish. That’s very narrow minded. That’s like saying white people are beer drinkers.

[Nik1hil]

@AnggieGirl I will forgive your lack of education in psychology...

Also if it isn't a fetish.. Why does every porn website has a fetish section of "CHEATING PORN"..

[globetrotter22]

You made a huge mistake admitting that to him. How did it come up? One thing if he asked. Quite another if you volunteered it.

In a way I understand the psychology of saying “It was my shitty decision and I rightfully suffered the consequences”. Quite another if you say that as a way of alleviating guilt.

If it is truly the former above that is you owned up to being 100% wrong when put on the spot than that’s one thing.

But volunteering that information makes me question your motives. Just in my experience women really fail at owning up to their mistakes in comparison to men. Men know they won’t get any sympathy in society for feeling guilty. So we take in on the chin because we don’t get the leeway to justify our shitty behavior because of our feelings.

Again it really comes down to WHY you told him that. If he asked that’s one thing. But I don’t think he brought it up first.

[Oigit]

Calling cheating a mistake is a example of soft language. One of the best things you could do for yourself and current boyfriend is be honest about it. Cheating isn't a mistake, it is a willful act and voluntary act. Stop trying to minimize it with soft language. Also fully accepting it and stop using soft language will make you less likely to repeat the same "mistake" again.

[PrettyPriya]

You need to make him understand that the past is the past. That goes for just about anything.

One suggestion would be to really open up about how terrible you felt doing that and how deeply sorry you were. Really show that you have changed.

[Ninaface]

"I'm my past relationship I was emotionally and physically abusive... but its in the past!"

[Jamie05rhs]

Sorry, but I'm with Nina.

[PrettyPriya]

@Jamie05rhs @Ninaface

So, you are blame the next person for the last persons faults? Solid logic there. Was going to let this one go at first. Now I have two. Don’t think so.

If such trauma from sexual and emotional abuse, think it is wise to be in a relationship again at all? Why would one subject themselves to it again?

Also, why would you blame past on a new person? Maybe one that is a soulmate, someone who can help heal those wounds? Someone who has nothing but the best of intentions. Yeah, let’s blame them for stuff they didn’t do. Smh.

[Ninaface]

No... I'm not saying for someone who was abused. I said abusive. Learn to read.

[PrettyPriya]

@Ninaface

Abused, abusive, emotionally, physically. Your view is blame someone who had nothing to do with it.

Like I said. Solid logic to place blame on those who didn’t cause the pain.

[NathanDavis]

@Jamie05rhs I'm totally on board with @PrettyPriya on this...

some people can actually change for the better, and moreso when they're truly sorry about the mistakes they've made and lessons learned can make you grow up as well

[Ninaface]

My point of view is to place blaim on the abuser though? Do you know how to process words?

[PrettyPriya]

Process words and you spell it “blaim” 🤣🤣🤣

Had to try three times to get past autocorrect. Lmfao

[Ninaface]

Smh maybe I'm not so good at spelling, but you're not so good at reading. I think I prefer mine.

[Jamie05rhs]

Priya, with all due respect, you misunderstood what Nina said. But Nina, try to be nice, please.

@PrettyPriya what she meant was that an abuser can say that they changed, but in many cases it's a lie. Many of them are repeat offenders, and their next girlfriend/boyfriend becomes their next victim.

[NathanDavis]

@Jamie05rhs "in many cases" it might be the situation, but it is not for ALL of the cases, so again... you just can't blame one person for what another person did... and for that matter, you should not even blame a person who has done wrong in the past, and certainly not if they didn't do it to you... as long as they have not done wrong again, they've learned lessons, they regret what they've done and they're trying to change for the better...

So, like Priya said... understanding is very much needed for any and every relationship to work out, honesty is also a key element, and it has to go both ways, regardless of the circumstances... trust has to come and go both ways

And by the way, what Nina did was just to change the scenario to one that is much more more complicated in order to make it seem like she actually has a point to argue here... either you argue the situation that was brought up as it was brought up... or you have not much to argue at all

[humpbackjack]

The fact is that you’ve done it before so if you were able to make that choice once why wouldn’t do it again? I mean do you recognize what led you to cheating and what are you doing to make sure you don’t do it again? Was that the only time you cheated in a relationship

[libsaretards]

Your only 2 options are to be patient and earn his trust when he is ready or leave. You did cheat. Sounds like you learned from your mistake, but most cheaters don't and your current boyfriend knows the odds. While I appreciate the honesty, there is a time and place to keep certain mistakes to yourself and simply not repeat them. This was probably one of those times. Keep that in mind in case this relationship fails and you end up in another one.

[Not_Average]

Be patient is my best advice. Never give him attitude even when he’s being pushy. Be understanding to his concerns. Explain to him what went wrong, why you did what you did, and what you learned from it. Betrayal in the form of infidelity the the worst experience you could put someone through. It messes with their psychology for years to come and damages them beyond repair at times. Your current boyfriend fears this based on your history.

[Caliguy88]

Not uncommon. But you can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust you forever. I get that you need to make some concessions after cheating but you both have to move on or you will make a habit of behavior that is not healthy. If he can’t forgive he needs to move on. And that’s understandable. But you also need to demand to be treated well.