Where do controlling men (not all) learn to be controlling?

[Anonymous]

I got out of a controlling relationship a couple years ago. He would threaten to break up every single time we argued. He's the one that always started an argument, always raised his voice first. I had enough one day, dumped him and blocked him.
Ex: We went out to eat once and I kindly told him to try putting the phone down for a moment so we can enjoy our quality time. He made an avalanche out of it, claiming I've embarrassed in front of clients and everyone, how I'm suddenly ungrateful and kept yelling. I was confused and couldn't understand what was that all about.

I dated other afterwards. I've recently dumped his current boyfriend right after the first ''If you don't, our relationship is over''. My reply was an ''ok then leave, bye, out''.

Luckily I've only had 2 controlling men out of many normal dudes. Seriously where do these controlling men learn to be controlling? Why do they feel the need to give ultimatums, to create arguments, to yell out of nothing?

[snowgirl123]

well, I'm not a man, but I have given tantrums on people for many reasons. I think my situation is different, is not about being evil, mean, or a narcissist, at all. that's not my intention. I would do this for protection, because of the life I've lived, so I was always scared that someone would hurt me deeply again. even though I do not do this on purpose most times, I know I must try to be my best and treat people the way they treat me, and be kind when they are kind.

hopefully I will do my best to be kind, and I hope my man will be patient to me and loving and understand me if one day I may scream at him accidentally. I hope he will not break up with me for these things because I know I give my best when I'm with someone.

also I think men do this just because they're evil really, and they like to control women. sometimes they cannot control other people around them, so they will control their girlfriends/wives I suppose.

if you see he's being just evil to you, I think you should just leave him, and move on.

I hope you can find true love someday.

[lilyanony1]

I'm not entirely sure, my ex accused me of being controlling. I did give ultimatums but that was when things were unbelievably stressful. And it was always something along the lines of. Do you want to be with me? If you do either we work at these or we end it.
He on the other hand accused me of cheating, insulted me often, failed to offer support, demanded to know my whereabouts and who I was with. Also set a time limit as to when I could be home, if I was late on my way back he's cancel our plans. If ever I suggested us doing something more together family event or holiday, he'd throw in wanting to be casual. It was a game and a mess.
So off I went to try a lead my life away from his crap

[lilyanony1]

Thanks for mho x

[Finchie40]

Insecurities , my ex was the same way , very controlling and mentally abusive , you did the right thing by getting away , it’s ok to value commitment in a relationship and guide your partner to stay by your side , but if they can’t do the same for you , and force you to be there for them , then that’s controlling and abusive relationship, When someone can’t wear your shoes like you wear theirs it will never work , Most people commit to be single these days and that’s why so many relationships fail, selfishness is the biggest killer in relationships

[MrOracle]

They're insecure. But you also did the right thing with the second guy - which you should have also done with the first - and left as soon as he threatened to break up. That's the right thing to handle that - just leave.

[Asker]

Thank you. After that 1st bad experience, I just don't put up being controlling behaviors nor getting disrespected anymore from anyone.

[ElizaPam]

Men naturally desire control. Particularly of their woman. Think about it.

A man isn't going to keep a buddy around who he can't get along with. Why would he keep a woman around? A man who doesn't demand respect might tolerate it but then the woman will leave him because there's nothing attractive about a man who doesn't take control and demand respect.

[FreyaRed]

In their perception they are always better than others, someone special who always deserves special treatment. Prince & Princess complex.

[Anonymous]

From experience. They tried it as a child and it worked, either at home or in their friend groups, so they've internalized these lessons and continue to employ these tactics, even if they don't work as well as an adult.

[neuroendocrinology]

Insecurities seem the deepest root of this poisonous weed.

[Toldol2]

It could be fear of abandonment or feeling insecure in general.

[Anonymous]

By watching their parents’ relationship growing up, if they were a more dominant kid at school that always got their way, or maybe just their personality unfortunately

[PinkBabyElephant]

I think from their moms usually controlling guys are raised only by their moms.

[anylolone]

Same where women learn to be controlling.

1: by not being dissuaded from being a bossy control freak early enough.
2: by observing the behavior and copying.

[bodiesands]

Insecure AF, trauma from childhood, not your fault, right decision.

[noohair]

I think it is learned as children by watching parents. And it works both ways. My ex tried to control me.

[LegendaryIcon]

What's the diff. between, "controlling" and "taking charge", like women want in a man?

[Asker]

Controlling is when you're not even respected for having your beliefs or lack of it. He tried to pressure me into believing in God too or else it was over. I had to cook elaborated meals too and he used to make me repeat a meal if the right oil wasn't used. He would blow things out of porportion during every single argument and it was always followed by a threat to break-up.
Do you think those are the actions of an assertive man or a controlling man? I see that as controlling... when they make you feel inferior and you have fear of losing them that you end up doing things just to please them, just to keep the peace.

[LegendaryIcon]

right now i feel like in order to impress her, i have to be good to her kids... and even that may not be enough as she said tonight that she wants to move to florida, when she gets full custody and her divorce is over with.

I was left there, stunned. I wasn't sure what to say

[Anonymous]

They cannot control themselves. Like most people. Very few people actually develop self-discipline.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Like where controlling women (not all) learn to be controlling

[Subarugirl]

lol dude you need to stop taking it so personally

[Aiko_E_Lara]

@Subarugirl Where's the personal part? If you just wanna be that way then you stop taking my comments personally.

[Subarugirl]

I don't it's just the whole victim mentality that irks me

[Aiko_E_Lara]

@Subarugirl Like what I said "Where's the personal part?" So that also means where's the victim mentality part? So yeah with you just coming here whining about what a victim i am, it almost proves the irony in your responses.

[Subarugirl]

Oh you’re not a victim haha you just like to think you are

[Aiko_E_Lara]

@Subarugirl Then I can easily say the same to you for just coming here only to get triggered by my comment.

[Subarugirl]

If by triggered you mean I disagree with you sure.. call it what ever you’d like

[Aiko_E_Lara]

@Subarugirl And how you disagree is just simply assuming anyone is taking it personally. Because really that's not how normal people disagrees.

[Dinosaursandanime65]

“There is no such thing as bad student. Only bad teacher”

-Mr. Miyagi

[2021biguy]

It's the way they were raised and they don't have ethics, just like stuff you see on the news.

[Anonymous]

When they don’t have enough control in there normal life.

[Browneye57]

Geebus, you're a real catch aren't you. I'd dump your ass in a heartbeat.

[Asker]

So I have to put up with contant ''I'll break up'' threat in every single discussion or argument? If a man demands that I cook the same meal again, I have to do that too? I have to put up with complete disrespect and unloving words?

[Browneye57]

If you don't like your man then next him and find one you do. Really simple. All this generalizing and whining is pathetic.

[MJtheCoach]

Because females push guy’s buttons and want the guy to tolerate their nonsense!


For us is all pain!

[Asker]

I never started a single argument. With my first past boyfriend, I used to be the quiet, shy girl that couldn't speak up for myself. He took advantage of that. I didn't push any button. I had enough in the end.

[Kaneki05]

It all stems from childhood.

[LemiaOfChampions]

Probably passed down by parents.

[Recurrence]

Their parents/childhood environment

[Shy_Steve]

Usually by their Parents.

[Wowboi]

When they collide with chaos

[Anonymous]

It's not learnt behaviour.

[dwiller943]

Hormones.