Why would he break up just because I didn't want sex?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 5 months recently broke up with me. On our 3rd date, I was honest about having no past relationships and that I didn't want sex with someone I wouldn't have a future nor child with. I also told him I didn't want to end up like those girls that lives with several bfs and the relationship goes nowhere. At first he was ok with this and continue seeing me.

Last week we wanted us to move in together. I told him I would agree under just one condition: that I get to still keep my V-card. All of the sudden he got kind of defensive and days later, he breaks up.

Updates

+1 y

This is the 3rd guy that disappears from my life... just because I didn't want sex if we move in together. The first 2 disappeared after telling them exactly what I told him. One guy even told me I'm a very difficult girl.

[MrOracle]

For women, relationships largely come with a list of benefits - she's got a guy around who can provider her with a bunch of things, do a bunch of things for her, and give her a lot of time and attention. For a man, relationships largely come with a list of responsibilities and costs - we are the ones who have to pay for things, to do the hard or dirty jobs, to risk our bodies and legal status by providing protection, and to spend a lot of our time and effort on the girl.

Take a guess at what makes relationships worth having for most men, considering the high costs of a relationship for men? Of course, the answer is sex.

If you aren't willing to have sex in a relationship, then most men aren't going to be interested in being in a relationship with you. It's really that simple. It would be like buying a car with no engine, or adopting a pet that doesn't like you - if it's all cost and no benefit, there's no point.

It's hard for you to understand that because YOU get all of the other benefits. Being in a relationship is mostly up-side for you. If you're not going to give a guy any up-side, then what is he there for? Simply to make your life easier at his expense? Ha! And you wonder why guys don't stay with you.

I'm not saying you need to sleep with guys on the first date, but you were together for 5 months and potentially moving in with each other. If he wasn't good enough to sleep with at that point, then breaking up is exactly the right thing to do.

You can't expect to just take and take and take from a man and expect to give him nothing in return. And if you don't understand how important sex is to men, then you are too clueless about men to be dating and need to educate yourself. Talk to a counsellor or therapist - you don't need to believe me. I'm not trying to get into your pants - I've got no dog in this fight - but sex is VERY important to most men, and you can't just dismiss that because it's inconvenient for you.

[Asker]

I do want sex but with someone I'm at least engaged to. I don't want to end up like those ''I've been living with my boyfriend for 10 years, why won't be propose'' women. I don't want to end up in a forever girlfriend zone. I want my first to be my last, a one time deal... someone that will be with me till old age, that I'll have kids with.

[MrOracle]

And that's fine and reasonable - but it means that you need to be dating "with intention" - in other words, you need to make it clear to any man who wants to date you that you aren't in it to be a girlfriend - you're in it to be a wife, and if he's not looking for a wife, he needs to move along. And they need to know up-front that part of this means no sex until after the wedding.

Of course, you also need to know that most men aren't going to be ready for that - but some are - and so many men who are initially interested in you are going to end up either trying to change your mind or they'll walk away. You need to let them go, and you need to focus only on the few who are seriously interested in marriage. The key part of all of this being that you disclose all of this up-front, before the first date. Then, you aren't misleading anyone, and they can make their own decisions, and can take responsibility for those decisions.

[iluvtoknow]

Clearly, he was either expecting the move-in lead you to lose your virginity to him, or something else about how you told him that put him off and made him want to break things off. I'm very sorry; that has to hurt.

Just don't let other guys make you lose your convictions. I commend you for not only wanting your first to be your last, but actually taking action to make it happen that way. A lot of people don't put that effort in. Just remember not to listen to the people that say no men are like that in turn, or that no men would want to be in such a relationship. You seem sweet; you'll find your guy in time.

Best,
A Virgin Guy with Those Same Convictions

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice, esp your sentence below. That's so sweet. I'm happy he left and not much time was lost. I feel sad for one of my friends and other girls that end up being placed in the ''forever girlfriend'' zone, where they lived with the boyfriend, have sex and go on like that for years and years and no engagement

[iluvtoknow]

Yeah, no good relationship can last long without strong and direct communication! I hope your friends are having serious talks with their boyfriends so they all get on the same page.

[iluvtoknow]

And if you don't mind my asking, what kind of person are you? I noticed you wrote in a comment that you're not religious and you're stance is "about having sharing something personal and intimate with the one I want kids with." I feel the same way, but at least from my point of view it seems like there are very few people like that, and it's a little disheartening sometimes. Do you know other people like that? At what kinds of places or doing what sorts of things do you find someone like you?

[Asker]

No I don't anyone with my stance anymore. Even several people (including some of my friends) that go to church, lie and are having sex with their partners. It's correct that I'm not very religious but I wouldn't mind if I happen to bump into a guy that shares my same views but is religious. That's fine with me. At least I would be respected for saving myself.
I think the right person will show up when you're not even searching for them. I'm going to stop searching for the meantime and be happy those guys left. I gain something out of it; my time isn't wasted and the right one will come.

[iluvtoknow]

Yeah, you're probably right—that's good advice. :)

[Aerissa_Jade]

He wanted sex, it was a deal breaker for him. I know it hurts though.

[ikEVERYTHING]

Yeah that's good that that happened and it says a lot. I'm happy to hear about your values considering the secular world we are in today. I suggest staying abstaining until marriage. This is for the same reason the guy left you; if you make this clear, that boundary, you are more likely to find someone legit, someone with morals and the values to really take care of you and family values (of course considering you do many other things to size people up), when they are able to or WANT to wait aswell. I suggest get married asap. These morals also benefit society as a whole as they prevent disease, unwanted pregnancies, poverty rates potentially and a lot more.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm going old-fashion alright. I find this a great way for a girl not to waste her time nor become another ''We had sex a lot and we've been living for 5,6, 8 years now, why won't he propose'' pointless dead-end that he keeps as a ''forever girlfriend''.

[ikEVERYTHING]

Good

[Curmudgeon]

OK, let's break this down: The very fact that he was willing to have you move in with him, or vice versa, *and give up his own private space*, is a TREMENDOUS step for a single guy to take.

Now you might have countered with the "A Ring And A (Wedding) Date" response, BUT for him to take that "Leap Of Faith", which, for a guy, IT IS, and for you to appear unmoved, well, that's off putting to him, to put it mildly.

[Asker]

I've heard enough stories and from friends about girls that moved in together with boyfriend after boyfriend... all that cooking, cleaning, intimacy and everything they shared... all for that a break-up later on. They aren't going to be the guys that will form a family with her.

In a way I'm protecting myself from be another one of those girls that ends up in the ''forever girlfriend'' zone. To be honest, I don't want to undergo experiencing several guys and then settle much later on. I want my first to be my last... the one I'm going to have a family with.

[Curmudgeon]

Like I stated, you might have suggested, or hinted, at "A Ring And A Date" as a response, but it would have been better for you to give him a big hug and tell him he's sweet as well. He WAS "going out on a limb" there emotionally, and you ought to recognize that, if not for him, for the next guy that comes along.

The discussion of when children come along is also important of course, and if you responded with THAT, well, he might have gotten scared and bolted, OR he might have appreciated that you are at least taking his proposal seriously. And if it is the latter, then, well, you have a keeper.

[Asker]

I think I'll be even more straight forward with the guy next. I'll be just informing him that I'm saving myself till serious commitment, at least engagement. 9 out of 10 will walk out and the one that stays and waits is the keeper.

[Curmudgeon]

And I wish you the best. I hope you do find that special fellow.

[madgoat]

They could see that at least at this time in their lives, you are a bad fit for them. Young men have a lot of energy and like the physical stuff.
Stick to your guns if this is important to you. You'll find someone closer to your own aspirations eventually. And maybe at that point, suddenly you find that it's your aspirations that change.

[Asker]

True. This is gain for me at this moment. The ones leaving means they can't waste my time nor convince me to give up my stance. One said it himself that I'm so difficult.

[DCooper]

A lot of people, guys and girls alike, would never consider getting too attached to someone without knowing if the sexual chemistry was going to be any good.

If you were looking to drop 60k on a new car, would you buy it from the dealer that let you look it over, but not sit in it or test drive it until your payment cleared? Maybe. But most would go deal with the lot down the street who let you check it out first.

[iluvtoknow]

That analogy only works if the purpose of the girl for the guy (or for the relationship as a whole) is sex, rather than love. If it were love, "testing the car first" would be equivalent to testing the personality and romantic chemistry with the other person, which one can more effectively do by seeing whether it can stand without stuff like sex getting in the way.

Not everyone is that sex-focused.

[mark000h]

Consider yourself lucky he's gone. A good guy who respects you will understand your wishes and wait until it's right. Don't feel rushed or pressured. You are young and waiting for it to be with a special person is so much better.

[Asker]

If not till marriage, then I want to wait until engagement at least. I just feel that's something special for me and for now I'm happily waiting for the right guy. It sucks that those guys that will stay and wait are rare but I'll find him.

[mark000h]

Yes, you will. It IS worth waiting.

[mobiusforniner]

Because he's a sadistic man child who sees your body as just a tally on his belt notch. Good riddens to the hapless bastard. Find yourself a man who'll treat you like a queen.

[Asker]

I'm happy my valuable time wasn't wasted. He had the nerve to ask 3 times to move in with him. I said no twice and on the 3rd time, I gave that condition. Good thing he left.

[slatyb]

"Last week we wanted us to move in together." What? Why? That's really strange and way too early.

[Asker]

Tipo on the we. I meant he wanted us to move in together. To be exact, he asked me 3 times in total. I declined twice and on the 3rd time, I placed my condition on keeping my virginity. As suspected that he would walk away, he left. I won. He was after it so badly and probably would've kept me as another ''forever girlfriend''.

[Juxtapose]

Imagine if he got engaged with you but the sex was trash. This is why people have sex, to determine sexual compatibility early on. Even my mom understands this.

[Asker]

The first time will obviously won't be great but I'm sure I'll learn. I'm a fast learner in math and others areas so I'll get the hand of it. For the meantime I'm still saving myself till marriage or at least engagement. I won't compromise on that.

[Juxtapose]

Seems illogical & pointless but good luck.

[Juxtapose]

Waiting until marriage is rough, especially if the guy doesn't want to get entangled in legal stuff that really only benefits women.

[Asker]

I'm living on my own, running a family business and can provide for myself so why would I be in need of his money. I want real commitment and for me, sex is something special to keep with the one I'll grow old with.

[Sam_The_Savage]

Why would he stay with you when you're not giving him sex? I'm sure you're not queen or Emma Watson that he stay with you without sex. Lol.

[Asker]

I do want sex but until only with the one I'm going to have a family with. If he's just a boyfriend I'll going to break up with eventually, nope.

[Asker]

In other words... if settling down and having kids isn't in his mind... good. My v-card and stance stares them all from the looks of it. lol
I'll still happily wait for my keeper.

[Sam_The_Savage]

Than why you're going on dates? Why making boyfriend's? Why wasting time of guys when you want to do marriage clear things at first only.

[Asker]

Well I was straight forward on the beginning. If I girl expressed herself the way I did in the beginning (I believe I was very clear from the start) or on the 3rd date, would you think she's going to forget her stance if you ask her to move in together?

[Sam_The_Savage]

So much drama ugh

[RobT312]

He wants sex, you don’t. Not a good fit.
break up is appropriate

[Tomsta]

Because you are set on marridge and kids. A lot of guys might know what they want or srent ready to settle down

[Asker]

Then it's good that they left. I'll be even more straight forward with the next dates. I don't mind if 9 out of 10 guys leave, running to the exit door... the single one that stays and waits is the keeper.

[Tomsta]

The straight forwardness can also be putting off people

[Asker]

So when would be the right time for them to know what I want? When should they know I'm saving myself till at least engagement? That's how serious I am in keeping my v-card. That's something intimate for the one I want to settle down and have kids.
When is the right time for them to know that?

[Tomsta]

You should always say what you want but there is a tactful way to do it

[Anonymous]

Clearly you wanted different things.
Here's a better question. Why do you care? You said this has happened to you 3 times. Rather than ranting on here about it here's a thought. How about choosing better guys.

[shades777]

i would too, who you holding out for if it ain't me, sex is mandatory if your my girlfriend, at least once a week.

[Asker]

Then it's good they left. I ain't giving sex until I'm at least engaged. This means so much to me. I don't want to be wasting years with a boyfriend that wants to be keep as another ''forever girlfriend''. I know more men use that trick nowadays, lovebombing the girl into thinking there is a future, making her give it up and then taking years of her life. I'm not falling for that.

[shades777]

Well good luck with that. A man needs sex to be happy.

[bamesjond0069]

Because they just want casual sex. When i was single it took me like 8 years to find one virgin to date... where were you then? Smh. Lol.

[Asker]

If you want to find us, we tend to be family oriented, don't party too much (so clubs... for sure you're not gonna find her there) and sometimes like going to bookstores or parks.

[Asker]

Not necessary at churches because some of my friends and others go there... they lied and are already either having sex with their partners or others or going to clubs.

[Dchrls78104]

You said it yourself: he wanted sex and you didn't.

[Hiten16]

May be their goal is to have sex with you that's why everyone is leaving you

[Asker]

That reassures my stance... they wouldn't be the guys I'll end up having a family with. I'll be honest... I want my first to be my last... to be the one I'll have a child with. I don't want to be one of those modern girls that have dated around, moved in together with several past bfs but no commitment at all.

[Hiten16]

Actually everyone wants their first love to be last love... But someone just comes in relationship just for time pass and sex...

[Asker]

That's why a couple of my friends ended up experiencing heartbreaks. Some else has been stuck on a relationship for nearly 5 years and she calls me depressed, saying it's no going anywhere. She doesn't want to be a girlfriend forever.
I have an idea now with the next guy and so on. I'll be an ''I'm saving myself till there is a serious commitment, at least engagement''. The one that stays and waits is the keeper.

[Hiten16]

May be you don't go for direct engagement... I will suggest you that you and your future boyfriend both should give time to your relationship...

[Asker]

If he asked for why I'm a virgin, then I will have to explain it. Ironically, I'm not religious and it's for about god. It's about having sharing something personal and intimate with the one I want kids with.

[Hiten16]

No you should just tell it's my choice... Simple no explanation

[OddBeMe]

Because he did.