I [M22] have feelings for my best friend of 5 years [F22]. I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest?

[Anonymous]

We speak everyday. Been speaking nearly everyday for the past 5 years. Phone, text or in person (not as often cuz I study at university in a different city).

I have had feelings for her the past 2 years or so. Lately more intense maybe. Not to the point where I can't date anyone else, I was seeing someone a month ago. But I still love her and would like us to be something more than friends.

Once we had a conversation and out of nowhere/unprovoked she said how she never had romantic feelings for me (we had a talk of whether men and women can be just friends), so I said the same (I lied), which annoyed her a bit. At times she might be throwing some signs here and there (e. g we had an argument few days ago and we didn't speak for a day, then she messaged me and said how it annoys her she always has to be the one messaging first). Another example is one day I jokingly told her to become my girlfriend after I broke up with a girl, and she said ''I have been telling you all those years, and you say it now?'', whilst laughing. Or when she got to know I have someone else few months ago she got 'annoyed'. But all those could be considered a joke.

I have a deep feeling that it's all platonic from her side and we don't have mutual feelings. It bothers me a lot when she talks to be about other men, makes me feel jealous and bad. I know it's wrong to feel this way because we are not together, but I can't help myself to be fair.

We both love each other though and we share literally everything. I know the whole ''you live only once, just confess'' but I really value what we have. If it was someone else I didn't even know at all? Sure. But she has always been next to me, same for me, and if I confess and the feelings are not shared then our friendship will either collapse or never be how it used to. I know for a fact.

[Woke51]

Don't confess. Your desire is not to let her know that you like her, but for her to like you.

Be the version of yourself that she would see as a boyfriend material. Or better, be the version of yourself that every girl sees as a boyfriend material, including her.

How would that version of you respond in a moment to moment basis? Would he feel jealous and bad? No. He knows he is the best option out of them all.

A good question to ask yourself is, "What is the version of me that isn't chasing her love?" The end result is to have it. Chasing it, on internal emotional level, is not having it.

So feel like a boyfriend and don't chase because you already have it.

[Asker]

Those are great words overall but this indicates that I should rather be passive and make her come to me, instead of the other way around. And knowing how society it, how girls is, and knowing how my friend is in specific, 90% of the time they wait for the man to make any kind of move.

[Woke51]

If you make a move from a desperate position, you'll take an L, every time. Become someone who is the best option for her.

Do you think girls just sit AFK when they see a perfect man? Look around this very website and see how girls discuss what should they do when they develop feelings for someone.

You absolutely should be rather passive and allow her to come to you, and when she does, you ask her. That's called being attractive. You attract. You don't chase. You don't try. You just be. Be yourself.

There're tons of limiting beliefs about how men should approach dating that result in: cat-calling,
awkwardly approaching strangers in public, tanking rejections, numbers game — that's not an attractive behavior.

[Asker]

So something that happened today, just want to see how YOU see it.

I told her ''If I told you I am gay, what would you do? Would you be fine with it?''

She said ''I wouldn't care. Better for me 😂 😂''

So I asked what she meant with the ''better for me''

And she said
''I was joking, I just said it cuz I would have your exclusiveness in your life as a woman. But I was obviously joking. So I thought that and then I wanted to say «oh so that's why you don't like me»''

How do you interpret that?

[Woke51]

You asking her self-validating questions. You don't need her validation, bro.

[Asker]

Damn, fair enough haha

[lightbulb27]

best to just be honest with your feelings and the reality of it all and it is what it is. I hid my feelings from girls or ran away a few times, turns to regrets and for them, confusion. Much better to go for it and see how it goes, or be done with her and move on. if you fail, then you are edison and you got 499 more attempts at that light bulb... so to speak. But don't be hanging around with a woman for years wasting your time, done that.

It sounds like she is testing you and maybe she will push back, or it's too late. If so, that's life.

There's risk you lose the friendship.

[Frank_theTank999]

Friendships like that are wonderful and there’s often that fear about what might happen if you try to take things to another level. I think other than a little short term awkwardness if things don’t work out, that it can still be the way it is…and it is almost always worth the shot especially if neither of you have a steady partner. It’s harder if one would need to exit another relationship to make it work, but if you’re as close as you seem to indicate, I don’t think getting back to that place in the event things don’t work, would be that much of a stretch. Go for it.

[joeldalton]

The friendship is already over. So shoot your shot and take your L

[Asker]

Lool. Not necessarily dude.

[joeldalton]

looooooll necesssarily. You already said you get upset with the idea of her fucking other guys. That will continue to happen.

[Asker]

Yeah but at some point you sure come to terms with it. It's not like my like is over, I was dating someone else a month ago. But it does bother me when she is talking to other dudes/seeing someone. I guess at some point you are just like 'eh, fuck it'. Feelings for her are fluctuating anyway in my case.

[Asker]

my life*