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How can I stop cheating? (Page 2)
Anonymous
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You should become a fiction writer, you are missing your calling.
I dont get it lol
You make your own drama less thinking required
@ellEyeInnKay A drama novel based off my life 😭why might that actually sell. lmao
Pick one of them and let the other guy go. And when you are tempted to cheat call your boyfriend. Arrange it to spend more time with him so that you don't have time to meet someone else.
That's a good idea, the calling whenever I'm tempted thing. Wait one thing though, if I were to do that in the future would I specifically say I was tempted, or is it just to get out of the temptation for that moment? Also what if he doesn't pick up?
Don’t say you are tempted, just to get out of the temptation for the moment. If he doesn’t pick up fill your time with something else, be around people like friends and family. But also tell him that you need him available more for you. Even though it’s not a justification for cheating at least you told him that you needed him and he was not there for you.
Thats very true! Alright Ill definitely do this, thank you so much.
Simple
You cannot Cuz you do not want to stop. Secondly there is no magical step and etc and thirdly everyone knows what to do.
I can and i’m actually already on the way, peace.
That What I said
This is why we are suppose to think before we act, sadly the solution is that you gotta be honest and who knows maybe one of them will give you a chance which I highly doubt but the truth is you can't keep living a lie, unless you prefer that
No, I don't prefer that. Okay, I'm going to work on honesty for the future as well.
Whatever floats your boat
Did you tell these guys you are their girlfriend? Or they said you are boyfriend/girlfriend status?
have you met their parents?
The first guy actually asked me out. the second guy I kept telling and implying that I didn’t want a relationship. he kept calling me his girlfriend and then eventually I started introducing myself as his girlfriend. I have met the second guys parents
Wow. You have a situation there.
All these are temporary. You will figure this out sooner than you think.
I wouldn't worry too much as long as you are open and honest with them.
If you are not interested in being monogamous/committed to one guy, you tell the guys you are not ready to be serious.
With anyting... communication, being open and honest.
Okay thanks! Openness and Honesty.
@midnightmoon05 You aren't helping. She should most definitely NOT say that. That will just string both of them along.
@Jamie05rhs what should she say?
@midnightmoon05 If she's not interested, she should just say she's "not interested." Period. Don't say "not ready.". Because that's dishonest.
@Jamie05rhs Thats true. I have said stuff like that after 1 date and moved on.
Never hung around guys and do sexual stuff when not interested. And can't get close if I am not interested.
I've never said I'm not interested before, I feared hurting their feelings. Usually, I'd just stop putting as much effort (replying seldomly), and if they ask why tell them what about them turned me off, usually it's a good reason. This is pretty much the same thing right?
Fear of hurting them… so you go out and do sexual things to more than one guy?
That would give them the wrong message.
You are interested then found out something doesn’t align?
These are mixed messages showing one doesn’t know who they are, what they want … in term… hurting the other more.
So to clarify… it’s important to know who you are, your standards before dating.
Doing sexual things connects to inner feelings…hurt others more.
So I would suggest you to stop doing these till you get to know yourself and them in a no sexual connection.
And just say, I like you and like to get to know you more before getting into romantically.
Putting less effort hurts the other. It’s not love or caring … it’s selfish.
No not at all. I mean when I was single and I was no longer interested in a guy I was originally into, that's what I do. I try to hint that I'm not interested anymore. If they don't catch on to the hint, then I say what happened. My indirect way of trying to reject someone, I do wish I were more direct though. Also I know this is what quite a few people do actually, just pull away and hope the person gets it. Not uncommon, but not great either.
I think I got a little confused here. With the guys usually what would happen is I would actually say I'm not interested in a relationship. What happened here was the second guy literally ignored that, broke up with his girlfriend, and flirted a lot. Walking me home, hugging me, kissing my forehead, buying me stuff even when I asked not to. AND I TOOK IT! I should have just left if he wasn't getting the message. It's not even his fault, it's mine for not doing anything about it, for not saying I'm already taken. I felt really bad though when he left his girlfriend. I couldn't imagine leaving someone for someone else, only to be rejected.
I've never been in two relationships like I was before. However, I'd still say I was cheating in years before because I would flirt/do things with other guys (without anything sexual, you should really read the update) whilst being in a relationship. The difference is that the guys in the years before never tried to keep pursuing a relationship after I said I wasn't interested in one.
Cheating shows a blatant lack of concern for other people's feelings and is also extremely selfish. I think you need to emotionally mature a bit before you commit to a relationship and also show more empathy towards other human beings.
You're kind of correct. The only thing I don't agree with is the belief that I don't have concern for others. I have too much concern, and for that reason, my honesty is a problem. I rarely tell people the truth if I know it's going to be hurtful to them. In friendships, an example of this looks like me agreeing with them, even if I actually disagree. In relationships, an example of this looks like me staying in a relationship, even when I want to leave because I know they love me.
The problem is that cheating and not saying anything solves both problems, it gives me what I want and by not telling them and staying in the relationship I'm not hurting them. It's the immoral path that solves everything. But someone else said I should work towards not taking that route even though its easy too.
Anyway Im not going to go into a whole spiel but I appreciate your advice. Thanks.
How old are you if you dont mind me asking?
I do mind actually. Sorry
Okay. I think lying to make others happy is something a lot of us do in our youth, but we end up growing out of. Let me ask you this - would you be hurt if you found out someone was carrying a facade with you and pretending they enjoyed being with you when they really didn't? That would definitely hurt me. I would prefer to get broken up with than have someone pretend they like me more than they do. Here's a good quote - "it's better to be hit with the truth than kissed with a lie."
I don't know I feel like I would be angrier the other way around because if they pretend that they like me it's like well at least they tried not to hurt my feelings.
But I still think the truth is what they deserve.
Yes, but they would be lying to you... I'm kind of getting the vibe that trust isn't that important to you in a relationships, but it is important to other people and to some, lying shows complete disrespect. Plus, if you're honest with someone, you give them the opportunity to find someone else that would really care about them in the way they need to be cared about. I'm also wondering if deep down you like the attention and that's why you string people along.
That's true. I didn't realize trust could be such a main value for other people. Also, it could be attention. I definitely would string people along, even if I didn't really like them.
Also, keep in mind that a lot of people date because they're genuinely coming into it hoping to love and be loved. Going behind their back when they have such pure intentions is not nice at all. And yes, for most, trust is the core foundation of their best relationships and it is a value.
no worries I definitely agree. this honesty thing has been the absolute worst quality of me. Id do things that would actually hurt them more than just being honest would
Girl let me just say I absolutely love how you're taking all the blatantly rude and unhelpful opinions.😭
Fr I love pissing off the people trying to piss me off 😂
@Asker Then it is time to stop PISSING THEM OFF and start SHITTING ON THEM in return 😏
@Interstate lmao fs 😂
Pick the one that has a future plan with you involved and cut the other lose. EASY PEASEY. Get married and be done with the mind games.
she's going to cheat on him too at some point.
@anniisa97 Thats her problem.
@anniisa97 could you like, fuck off? there's nothing more annoying than seeing people bash others for their different opinions on how to solve something. grow up.
and thanks for your help man. I'm going to try this out one last time after I stay single for a bit.
Umm... what are you talking about?
@Asker Thats not what was happening but dont worry, you've got bigger issues to think about
I did a MyTake on indifferences towards different opinions. Its called We all need to get along. Check it out. And no Asker, this is in no way a reflection on you. I just thought it may be something you can relate to.
@Asker I did a MyTake on indifferences towards different opinions. Its called We all need to get along. Check it out. And no Asker, this is in no way a reflection on you. I just thought it may be something you can relate to.
I meant to put your "@" at the beginning of the first time I posted it, but mistakenly overlooked it before submitting. My bad.
Dating does not entitle anyone to exclusivity unless this was explicitly agreed upon before proceeding.
And since there is no sex involved, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
People stray emotionally all the time.
exactly. dating two people is like having 2 friends.
Hm okay. What happens when they stray emotionally then do they like I don't know just go to other people like I did?
Well, I don't doubt most people on here have gone to their girl/boy best friend after a fight with their partner or a rough patch, and that friend probably expressed affection they shouldn't have or has tried to take advantage of the situation and they fancied the idea for a moment.
Or they have gone out and told the handsome guy at the night club that they are single so he would flirt with them.
Or they took to online and chatted with people there to feel desirable because maybe their partner isn't paying enough attention to them.
And then they either clear their thoughts and break up, or decide they don't have it that bad after all and just go back.
Oh hm I didn't think about that. I guess that's true. Thank you for this, if the problem is just like this maybe I could just work towards going somewhere more appropriate when I do stray emotionally. Like to a best friend.
Well, my ex just goes back to trying to sleep with me whenever she gets unsatisfied in her current relationship.
And I tell her to go away until she is single, after which she usually texts me again in 3 or so days saying "thanks" for helping her figure things out and that she is now single.
But the last time she didn't and she remains in that relationship since.
Technically speaking, she never cheated on anyone, she just dumps people over my ultimatums.
Obviously.. she is not a good role model.
But maybe next time you feel like straying ask yourself if you would be willing to throw away that relationship over it.
If the answer is yes, then I guess that relationship isn't really worth it so go ahead.
And if the answer is no, then don't do it.
Give yourself all-or-nothing options.
ooo this is a good idea!! thank you for the example
You don't sound ashamed otherwise you wouldn't be cheating. You are hurting 2 people by being selfish.
You’re right. So how can I stop, as the question asks? How do you fight something as bad as something like a drug addiction where you know it’s bad but you struggle to resist it.
You have to be honest with both guys, take your lumps and if they both dump you, you got what you deserve. Then, sit down and analyze why you would degrade yourself and other unsuspecting people for thrills. Are you unable to make commitments? If so, you don't belong in a relationship. Stick with casual one night fucks. At least you're not hurting unsuspecting guys. Think how you'd feel, if you care, and some guy is fucking 2 or 3 girls on the side with you. I personally don't think cheaters have it in them to change, but maybe I'm cynical. Cheating is betrayal and cowardly.
Good advice, thanks! And yes, you are cynical. There IS a such thing as rehab which brings people FROM addiction OUT OF addiction. And although it’s not 100% the same thing, lying and telling a cheater that they have no ability to stop cheating is a horrible mechanism that could convince them not to try in the first place. Peace.
Grow some self respect and some dignity. You can love neither guy in this situation and neither can love you as long as it exists; you're nothing but a piece of meat to them. Is this what you want, to be passed between two guys like a dollar bill in a bar or a gambling spot? If you want something more solid than that (and, as you are getting older like everyone else, you should), you will have to make a choice between these two guys (and be prepared to lose both!).
in order to stop cheating you have to find respect for yourself than you can respect the ones who love you. also start believing in karma because when it comes your way you will be able to except that its your doing & overcome it. once your humble from it, respect yourself & those those who care for you than you might be ready to be someone's partner
I think you have to find out the reason behind why u cheat. I’m thinking you should find the one u love the most and don’t cheat on him. Do you have trust issues?
I don't think so
well why do u wanna hurt them, what'd they do to you baby boo?
What?
Poor baby. Just pick one of the two and stop seeing the other. Or, just tell them both you're not exclusively seeing either one of them if they both accept it, you won't be cheating. LOL
"Romantic things" and not sexual things?
*eyeroll* Next time give us ALL the pertinent information. That way, you won't the obviously snarky responses.
Y'all got such dirty minds I didn't realize sexual cheating was the first thing that comes to mind in terms of cheating 😭 but okay.
Most adults don't consider a little flirtation to be cheating. If you're thinking of another person as a potential partner, that's a different story.
oooh alright alright I see. Okay. I got this.
Think about how disappointed you're going to make one or both of them, when they discover your duplicity. And how ashamed and embarrassed and awful you will feel knowing you have DEEPLY hurt someone you love, perhaps irreversibly.
Yeah. I know. I think out of this entire situation, that has to be the second most hurtful thing to me. The first most hurtful thing to me is my failure, to everything. Failure to care, failure to speak up, failure to be honest, failure to be self aware, failure for self control, failure to stop, all of it. Especially when I see other people doing it so easily. But I'm determined, I will fix this.
What steps do you plan to take correct the problem?
You're the first one to ask! Here's what I have planned:
1. Therapy.
2. Inner work: I'm going to seek out resources on improving/strengthening the following values: honesty, self-control, auto-suggestion, and accountability. Honesty is the biggest one, I'll be working on that first.
3. Reflection/Awareness: I've already been working on this but now I'm going to start working on deeper reflection. Trying to figure out as other people said, the real motive for cheating. Doing some childhood and personal reflection on this. Also figuring out when I'm the most tempted and why.
4. Prevention: You and others have given some amazing examples of how to prevent this thing. In the future: I'll think and imagine the consequences of my actions often before I ever even find myself tempted again and will allow myself to be emotional. One person on here noted emotion as a key thing, if I can feel bad more than often, it would help to stop. It's just I would prefer to feel bad beforehand, that way the cheating will never happen. Also, some other things that I'm doing to prevent this:
a. Sharing my account with my partner as in giving them the password so I would definitely not do
anything like that
b. Avoiding guys when I'm taken again, as much as possible. as crazy as it sounds, unless I stop
being friendly to guys, something with the in-person motives has got to go. I'm not going to avoid
temptation as much as possible by not placing myself in tempting situations, and when I do have
to be around a guy, ill be stand-offish and think of reasons why I wouldn't be happy with them.
Touch and time are my love languages so those are the 2 biggest things to avoid. I also wanted to
be more reserved anyway so I'll probably work on that as well. If he flirts I'll mention I'm taken.
c. Sharing my location, for the same reason as A.
d. Telling a good friend about the situation who is willing to hold me accountable. Once I work on
being honest I'll tell this friend about how things are going in terms of this problem in hopes that I
never have to tell them I almost did it again. They'll hold me accountable for this.
e. Religion. I was already trying to get back on track with this and I know not everyone here is
religious but as for me, I think becoming more spiritual could help with this kind of thing.
f. Work on resparking the romance in the relationship at times when I'm most likely to be tempted.
By resparking I mean going back on dates and doing romantic things.
5. Mitigation: A lot of people also gave advice on this. If I do get back in this situation and find myself tempted again then:
a. I'll call my boyfriend. I won't tell him I'm tempted but this will just be so I can quickly distract
myself from the situation.
b. If he's not available, I'll call friends/family and/or revisit memories we've created looking at a
digital photo album.
6. Open/polygamous relationship: If all of this fails once more again, I'll give up. A lot of people on here have said maybe I'd just be better off in a polygamous relationship/open relationship and although I really don't want that, I'm not going to continue being selfish by hurting others for my own wants.
I think that's everything. If I missed anything let me know!!
The formatting came out weird but you get the point!
Wonderful! We look forward to your Redemption! The First Step of Your New Life!
Thank you and someone just recommended I tag some deadlines/milestones onto this! It's a grand idea
I agree. Put some deadlines into it rewards for meeting them (like a shopping spree), and realistic punishments for failure.
Avoid any type of relationships or romance between men right now until you can figure everything out for sure. I advised you to go see a therapist too because you mentioned doing it in the past regularly and having no shame.
Just admit you are polyamorous. It's a real thing and there is nothing wrong with it.
Oh, there is a book called The Ethical Slut that speaks to this, if you are interested..
I'll check the book out!
Seek the counsel of a professional who can look at the whole situation objectively. You can call 1-800-A-FAMILY for a referral.
Thank you!
I'm gonna be honest. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't be loyal.
Obv but what I'm asking is how can I work towards being loyal
That's personally what you have to work towards, have you considered therapy? I wouldn't ask a bunch of clueless idiots online lol.
Oh okay. Yeah, therapy is one of the first things on my list.
I wish you the best. I hope you get everything figured out. Have a safe holiday!!
Thank you! You too.
Well it's very selfish. You can sit there and say how ashamed you are all you want I don't believe it. It's fake remorse. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You're just going to end up with whichever one allows you to worship yourself the most.
Cool well, I'm not here to convince you that I'm ashamed. I don't have that kind of time. I'm here to work towards never doing it again. Are you saying you don't think it's possible to stop?
I don't think it's possible to stop unless you find whatever is going on within yourself. Just trying hard to do better won't be enough. You're a sociopath and you don't care who you hurt. You need professional help
Actually, I do care who I hurt, a little bit too much. That's a small part of the reason why I stay in relationships that I'm not happy in, 1) because I'm scared of being alone I think but 2) because I don't want to hurt their feelings by saying they don't intrigue me anymore. I actually wish I weren't this way because I rarely set boundaries for myself. I'll do something that I don't necessarily enjoy or withhold my true opinions and/or the truth (usually on serious matters) simply so others aren't hurt and like me a bit more. It's called people-pleasing. But anyway, thank you for your advice and the parts that do count. I learned that this won't be an easy journey but I'll keep fighting for what I think is right.
Ok That's bullshit. If you cared about somebody you would tell them what they need to hear regardless of how it hurts. You're keeping it from them because you're scared to have an awkward conversation. Sitting down with them and saying hey it's not working out is to hard for you because you avoid confrontation. Not telling somebody something because you care about their feelings is selfish.
Honestly, who do you expect me to believe? Some guy on the internet who claims to know my entire identity based on one post I made online or a trained, certified counselor that I've already sat down with and worked on people-pleasing tendencies in the past. Again, thanks for the advice you did provide though. Like I said, I'm not here to debate about who you think I am lmao. I could care less about who you think I am because I know myself, at least in the aspects you're referring to.
You're full of crap You've never seen a counselor. And IDGAF what you decide to do or who you decide to believe. I just know that it's not right to hurt other people and there's no excuse that you could make. You're just going around collecting your jar of hearts because you are too scared to have a awkward conversation. One day someone will do this to you and you will see how it feels. We've all been kids we all know what it's like to tell our mom "sorry for not telling you I broke the lamp I was afraid you were going to get mad". Little ass selfish kid! Can't wait till it comes back on you.
🥱 lol bye
Yeah you're going to be loling a lot when your husband gets someone else pregnant.🖕 I just hope you don't have any kids.
🥰 boi bye
End it asap, if not you will get hurt badly. Accept your mistake and move on. Find a goal in life. Stop living for short-term sex and start focusing on long-term peace.
"Stop living for short-term sex and start focusing on long-term peace". I never cheated sexually but this is well-worded. Stop living for short-term romance.
Thank you for your advice
It's pretty easy. You just stop being a cheap whore. You cheat because it's easier than forming a real connection and working to improve side by side with a partner.
I appreciate your honesty and you not sugar-coating it. You’re right, I’ll definitely do some self reflection regarding this.
Spend more time reflecting instead of just doing. You will slip back into bad habits if you don't stay honest with yourself. I didn't tell anything you didn't already know.
Hmm I guess so. I don’t think I was self aware. I thought the reason I cheated was because I didn’t have the discipline to hold myself back. Same thing as how guys can be flirted with but resist because they have discipline. I don't know if that’s the same thing as knowing it’s easier to cheat than work with a partner to fix things but as you said, reflecting and staying honest is key. I originally thought building discipline and practicing abstinence for relationships would help but maybe it won’t as much as reflection will. I appreciate your advice.
If you are with someone you love you don't have to try it comes naturally. It's not resisting because there is no urge.
Oh. I definitely have a tendency to stay in relationships. Are you suggesting that I never loved them? Because I feel like cheating is something I have never done earlier on in the relationship when things just initiated. Maybe it is a complacency problem
If you are in love you will have eyes for the person you love.
okay.
If you don't love yourself you won't be able to properly love others. I would think about why you cheat and explore that. A lot of times it is because sexual acts are the easiest or only way to feel validated.
In the past when I’ve cheated it was never really sexual acts. It was stuff like cuddling, kissing, going out with them. Basically doing relationship stuff without actually being in a relationship. But yeah I think it carries the same weight, something with needing validation. You’re probably right
Kissing and cuddling are both sexual. I'm basically saying using your femininity to gain attention.
There was one relationship where I know the problem was because I was too cowardly to leave. I mean the guy only ever hit me up to sext and we rarely even had a normal conversation that wasn’t him begging for sexual things, even after I asked him to stop. I didn’t leave until I was sure he wouldn’t stop being like that, I think I was scared of losing him for good. before then though I cheated. I don’t know if I can apply this to other relationships though.
Oh okay I see, then yeah you’re completely right
That means you prefer to take the easiest route even when you know it's wrong.
Exactly. I'm journaling now about this. Thank you for bringing that to light. I think I'm going to work towards defeating this by taking the hard route in things that do have an easy route then. For example: telling the truth in complicated situations.
It really ends up being easier to be honest.
Yeah. I thought that lying (not in this situation but in other situations) would keep them from being sad but it's actually worse to let them to believe otherwise and not know the truth.
Find the real cause why you cheat and work on it. I think you just don't like being alone
Yeah, you're right. Thank you.
i use to have that issue, i couldn't go 3 months without a women.. but i didn't cheat , WHICH admittedly makes it harder to find someone m but Quality over quantity should make most people happy. very few.. but they are there.. very few people need more than one spouse.
It’s fine to have two lovers if you aren’t lying about it to one or both of them. Are you?
They never asked, but I guess you could say so.
Did you tell them you were exclusive, or imply that you were? Obviously you aren't 100% available to either.
I didn't imply that I was taken but I kept rejecting the second guy and saying I didn't want a relationship right now. He basically started calling me his girlfriend anyway and when I did start liking him a lot I allowed him to keep doing that and introduced myself as his girlfriend to others.
"He basically started calling me his girlfriend anyway and when I did start liking him a lot I allowed him to keep doing that and introduced myself as his girlfriend to others." If you were still seeing someone else you should have made it clear that you weren't his girlfriend.
yeah I know I should have, but I liked him and at some point I didn’t control myself
You are a harlot.
Just have flings, one night stands and casual sex.
Committed, in love, true to just one special person, long term relationship... marriage, that just isn't in the cards for you. Any man who is after that deserves better than you. Just stay in your lane and sleep around. Leave relationship guys alone. Faithful girls deserve them.
I like your honesty and self-reflection. You need therapy since you struggle to control yourself
Hm noted. I'm looking into some options for therapy now, they cost a hot buck but I'll do it if it'll help me with self-control.
Redemption is never an easy step. Im proud of your ability to recognise your wrong and your will to do the right thing.
Thank you. I really debated whether I should make this question. I'm glad I did, I got so much help and I feel motivated. I'm still really upset of course but at least it's not a discouraging kind of upset.
You're a slut. By choice. Ylu most certainly enjoy it, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all but you should definitely be honest to your partners about it. Who knows, they may actually like the idea of sharing you from time to time and all will be to your favor
Is there a "slut" but for romance 😂 cause sexual encounters aren't my thing and that is the definition of a "slut", if that's the word you want to use.
Oh my god you're so dishonest you can't even admit to the obvious that men dont hang around girls they aren't fucking
@9inchesBIG oh? I will say they have definitely tried. And they have definitely come close some of the time. But I've never done anything physically sexual. Maybe that's what keeps them chasing I don't know.
Take a bullet to the head worthless trash. If you were honest Id respect you
@9inchesBIG I'm probably the most honest thing here considering I've made this question and have been honest about what needs work.
sounds like you haven't fallen in Love yet... when you do, no one will distract you... or maybe you cannot fall in Love... in that case, just Live your best life, enjoy your Men...
Thats... oddly correct now that i think about it
Oh hm. I will say that I have never cheated at the beginning of a relationship, so maybe I was in love then. But as the relationship went on I think I fall out of it. Do you think this could be the case or not really?
Lust. Its far stronger than love, andd probably (technical not? For some reason? Pretty sure it is possible to be) addicted to lust. Buttt not love, love is painful. Requires attention and attatchment. Sometimes hard to do.
Ugh I can’t even get one guy and you’re here messing with 2. Life is unfair but should’nt be this unfair
I shouldn't really be the one telling anyone anything right now but just know you'll definitely find a guy. I don't know sometimes things just come slow. I used to be the same way but I literally changed myself rather than just letting someone like the true me and I wouldn't recommend it.
@ Opinion owner
*hugs*
Work with yourself and the parts of you that crave other people's affection and attention.
Consider if you'd thrive better in open/poly relationships.
You cheat because you’re a free independent being who loves to love others and express your sexual desires freely…
Society had created a moral construct of monogamy which is highly archaic and flawed.
The main purpose of our existence is to pro-create. That is the natural law. And you are perfectly in sync with it. Don’t be ashamed nor feel you’re doing something wrong.
Cheating is just a symptom of an underlying problem inside of you. You need to do some soul-searching, and figure out why you feel the need to behave like this. Maybe you just aren’t a relationship type of person, not everyone is.
Yeah you might be right. Thank you for this
i want to just say that i am glad to hear you will do the right thing.
it shows that you are an adult and that you want a better life and be a better person too. good for you!
Thank you!
Get professional help, and don't date anyone until you get this resolved.
Thanks!
Why change. It seems to be who you are. You really can't change who you are at you core. Maybe you just need to come to terms that you're not meant to be saddled so to speak.
I would hope it's not who I am but I guess if I try everything and still find myself struggling with this in the future I'll take this advice. Thank you for your take!
Do you have idea when this all began? This necessity to cheat? Any bad experience? Any tough relationship with a man in your life? Anything at all?
I have an anxious attachment style and a lot of people think childhood experiences usually affect this kind of thing but I really can't recall anything from my childhood that would have caused this. Maybe it's greed at this point or the inability to be honest. But I started as early as middle school. The guy I was dating liked my best friend, so I thought it was okay to like someone else as well. Yeah, didn't end well.
We all make mistakes, I have cheated once too in an ex girlfriend, but you hurt several people and without remorse...
Well you are trying change your ways meaning you do feel bad now so I hope you succeed 👍
I agree the guys you are with deserve to know. Their reaction will not be the best, but consider it your punishment.
Asking for professional help is also a good idea. It helped me in the past.
Thank you for being honest about your experience with this. I'm definitely taking your advice seriously now because advice is always better from people who have themselves dealt with it. But yeah, it would be a very good punishment.
Do you genuinely like any of them? If not the first thing that will help you not to cheat is to get involved with a guy you really like. If you do, it will be tough... Anyway let me know how it went and good luck.
I like them at first but not after the relationship gets boring, which unfortunately happens in like all relationships. But yeah thank you for all of your advice, I'll let you know how it goes.
@Asker I think you just hit your X factor!! You said you do well until the relationship gets boring. It sounds to me as though you are one who constantly wants that exciting feeling everyone experiences when a relationship is brand new. It has been said when a person jumps from person to person or relationship to relationship, that is an obsession. So the next step is to determine at what point the relationship becomes stale for you. Is it after a certain amount of time? Is it when you notice the excitement in their voice flourish when they hear your voice? But the general rule of thumb is that a relationship that is meant to last will not get old for you. You will never get tired of it/him.
But something you should talk to your therapist about when you begin sessions, it your struggle with honesty. It could be your dishonesty is an underlying contributor to these relationships. But in fact they ARE. Not speaking truthfully and being dishonest with Man hopping. But definitely, tell them about the cheating, and include your struggle with dishonesty.
@Interstate i’ve seen your comments on other replies as well and I just wanted to say thank you so much. i’ve read all of them and this one and they’re definitely helping out. for this one in particular that’s something i’m going to eventually look at, after how many months do I get tired and what the cues are
Bored? Cheating, to me, implies you are married. If you told each person then it is not cheating. If you have not been honest, honesty is the issue.
Oh okay. Well, I'm not married to either of them. I think they did go into the relationship with the expectation to be exclusive though.
Well expectations is not talking about it.
Just ask yourself this simple question, would you want someone to cheat on you and rip your heart apart?
Depending on who it is, I might not care if he did things with other women. But when I do truly like a guy, I definitely care, so no I wouldn't want that. Thanks for this.
I never understood why people cheat. I don't know if it's the thrill of being bad. I don't know if its rooted from some psychological affect as a child. I don't know if the issue is rooted from your parents. I don't know you but as a guy who has tried, and tried and tried to find a girl. The last thing I want is to be with a girl and then not be satisfied and go after more on the side. I would feel bad stringing others along. I have been rejected harshly, ghosted and cheated on and it sucks. But to the asker seriously you have to stop and rectify this issue. There are guys out there who will murder girls or women if those guys feel hurt emotionally. Girls have to be extremely careful who they piss off or try to hurt. Some guys are champs, they will take rejections, getting cheated on, breaks and divorce like a fucking champ, some guys will break down and be a complete emotional wreck, some guys may commit suicide, some guys may go after the girl. I'm just being real.
Real true to yourself, treat others the way you would want to be treated, and be aware of your actions because not every guy is the same.
Yeah man, you're right. I would not be able to live if a guy committed suicide because of it. Just reading that made me tear up. I will stop, I must.
I'm not going to rip you online I hope you make the right choices. There was a girl I really liked and I could around tell late May she was probably going through some stuff because she was responding less to me. This girl liked me, she wanted me to send nudes (which I didn't), I knew you her for 3 years. But I figured either 1) she has a boyfriend now or 2) she got bored of me or 3) she's dealing with her own stuff and its nothing personal to me. But the last thing I said to her was she deserves true love and that a guy should treat her amazing. I could have been a bitter little douche, and on the contrary of what girls think on here that all guys are douche bags and and assholes and players. To any girl reading this, as much as we live in a shitty ass world with deception, ignorance, greed and etc... If I have to predicate strong values of good values and go through shit (literally) so be it.
Wow. And I was over here struggling to even be good to people who are good to me. This is inspiring
Break up with them both. And work on yourself clearly to get in to relaniships
Guess someone hurt you and acting out. Most of us have cheated and done something similar it's not nice thing to do but life learn from it move on make yourself happy and better person
Yeah, you're right. I think I should definitely work on making sure my happiness comes from within and not outer circumstances. Thank you so much for your advice
No problem at all any time
You can't be alone because you dont love yourself, you are filling the void you have in yourself with external validation.
Self love is the only solution to this problem.
I haven't read the comments, I'm not sure if you're getting any hate, but I think the think the way you're feeling is admirable, in a way.
Huh really?
Yeah. Many people wouldn't feel any regret or anything like that.
You are only doing what the man in woman always do. One makes love to you and one fucks you good.
One has more money than the other.
But to get a vibrater or adult doll,
That will cover your sex drive
Address the issue. Cheating is incidental. What need does it fill?
I'm looking into that now. Probably an emotional need. Thank you so much for this!
You need to stop jumping into shitty relationships and focus on one long term thing
Nobody really cares if you cheat or not. Guys can get over it. Females were biologically designed to take multiple penises
"Guys can get over it": Are you sure?
you may be the type of person that needs an open relationship, talk to your guys about that, then go from there
Hmm, I forgot there is the possibility of an open relationship. Thank you for bringing this up.
just remember he can have other partners as well
What if they didn't want other partners though. Cause I did mention it once before actually
that is up to them, or you could find a cuckold, you have a few options
Take some superglue and glue your slutty vagina shut.
Directions not clear. Got stuck in a toaster.
That works too.
Break up with both guys and get therapy to figure yourself out.
Good advice, thanks
Let guys know it's nothing serious for you. You can even let guys know you aren't looking for that when you first meet them. Then you aren't leading anyone on or cheating.
Women will never stop trying to secure the Chad. Ever. Won't happen. The only way you can stop cheating, like most everything else, is to cheat until you break yourself.
Wdym break yourself?
Go ahead and drink until your life falls apart and then figure out that drinking is bad.
Go ahead and rob until you go to jail for 20 years and figure out that robbing is bad.
Go ahead and cheat until your husband shoots you in the head and you figure out that cheating is bad.
There would be no figuring out, I'd be dead 😂 On a serious note though I understand. I think I already have broke. Words can't even describe how taxing asking this question has been on me. Not because of the replies but just the extreme disappointment in myself. Especially when answers brought up the fact that one of those guys could very well take their lives over this. I had to take painkillers, the distress was wearing off on my body.
If you’re ashamed then there’s clearly something you can do to stop it. You’re obviously not ashamed enough because you’re still doing it and hurting two men. My best advice would just to be non exclusive with both of them and casually date.
? I'm not still doing it, but yeah that is a possibility. I think I'm going to do that if everything else doesn't work
Hey @asker I think you just need to be honest & tell the guy that you love what you did. It's not fair to him that he doesn't know you're sleeping around & he can get an STD with any knowledge of it & be forces to take pill for the rest of his life. But no, I am not going to call you slut or a cheating hoe there's already enough negativity like that out in the world & some of the negative energy & hate directed at women is what caused you to make foolish choices like this. It's probably because the adults in your life didn't nurture you & showed you enough love & care. I do feel bad for you & it sucks that society likes to blame the individuals when they were just a symptom of the way we treat people who fail or make bad choices. We shame fat people & then the fat people just give up, they become disabled & the tax payer has to deal with. Shaming you is just going to make you fall even deeper into the darkness, so I just want to pull you back out. I don't like what you did & of course I think it's very wrong, but it's not too late for you because you're still young & hopefully those men didn't get anything from you. It's too late to get help. When you were a baby you needed help & care & you still need it now. Now a high level of care like when you were a baby, but you still need care. It's nothing to feel ashamed of. individualism is why society is falling a part because were hold on to the ways of the best & not understanding no mans an island.
@Mahito @opinion owner read the update.1) I've already decided to inform them 2) no sexual activity went on.
@Mahito I guess that's true. I mentioned this a few times but I have an anxious attachment style and I heard these styles originate from the way I was treated during childhood but I can't remember being mistreated in any way.
You might not notice it but it was probably something. Like for example a teacher embarrassing you in front of the class saying stuff like “why aren’t you getting it? Everyone else is getting it.”. Or it could’ve been people that you thought loved you or cared about, but you were always scared to tell them whenever something good in your life happen because they always have something negative to say. They’ll say something like “I know you’re happy but……..” or when you’re bored & don’t have anything to do they’ll say something like “well you need to try new things.”, but whenever you try something new they’ll say something like “are you sure about that? You sure you want to do that?”. Sometimes they do it subconsciously so when you tell them they’ll think no I’m not being negative. You don’t have anyone to share the good things in your life because they always make you feel shitty. Yes, we need people to vent our frustrations with, but we also need someone who is going to make us feel special. I don’t your situation & you might not be aware of it.
I’m glad you’re doing the right thing. And it’s also because a lot adults think the young people today have it so easy, but they really don’t at all. I was lucky to grow up before the age of the smart phone where it was encouraged to have an authentic personality. Before you just need to play the guitar & you’ll be able to get a girl. Now you need to play the guitar & have 1000 tik tok followers. You don’t have it easy at all with the of human connections it’s no wonder why you do stuff like this.
That’s how a lot of people think. It’s just subconscious doing everything while unaware of what’s going on.
@Mahito I completely agree. Technology has made things so much more frustrating. It's the reason why I've been trying to stay away from my phone more often. Also, I would say there is no one person in my life who I tell everything too so you're probably right. Usually what I'd do is hide the parts of me that people most likely wouldn't like.
Yea, you need to try to catch yourself when you’re lying to yourself too. “Be yourself” it sounds like a very simple thing to do, but it’s similar to doing push ups. A lot of people just think a push is just your arm strength, but it’s your legs your arms your back etc. that’s push ups on the knees don’t get you anywhere because you’re removing your legs from the work. You need to do incline push ups instead. Self honesty & being the real you is one of the hardest things someone can do. Most people will say they’re good or righteous or a nice person, but when you look at their personality they dont exhibit any of those things. It’s hard for me sometimes but I try make what I say as honest as I can. It’s like using pick up lines. Most of the time they don’t work because the person doesn’t filter it through personality & you can tell they’re being fake. You can use them, but it needs to be the honest. You can’t be in a relationship until you try to catch yourself when you’re lying to yourself & it’s hard because you lie to yourself so damn well. “I don’t care about that. I’m not mad. He was wrong”, it’s really hard even for me, but I think it’s important to try to make things as honest the best you can.
@Mahito that’s spot on.
@Mahito @Anonymous I have an update both guys were upset, but the second guy left and the first one wants me to stay. Should I still try to be single or stay with him?
I mean he knows you're flawed now. You're not perfect. But just let him know going forward you feel something for another guy or you get aroused or whatever just let him know you'll be honest & let him know about it. And you're going try your hardest to overwrite that kind of thinking because this your last chance and you don't want to dishonor your man. You're going to do everything you can to not fuck it up. You're going to be honest with him & yourself for now on.
Just let him know you're done being selfish & you want to work together as a team & you'll him know, so you can avoid this mistake again. And ask him what can you do for him. And what can you do to earn his trust again. It might not work out for. But that's life. every girl is capable of finding the man of her dreams & be successful, but do you have the guts to fail & embarrass yourself. In life you need to take a risk or that dream guy, stays a dream.
Well you can always be in an open relationship …… or try therapy first
Stop being a gigantic piece of shit. I don't care about your pathetic attempts to justify what you're doing.
I just hope both will just dump you like the trash you are, and become best friends while you'll end up miserable and alone.
Are you okay?
After what you did, I should ask you if you're ok. Because no one with a sane mind can do that and still expect people to see her as a victim.
And, are you okay?
More than you, apparently. But I guess accountability is not in your vocabulary :)
whatever it is, everything will be alright
Yeah, I guess there's no hope for your fried brain.
If you need help there’s a couple hotlines you can dial, you can find them online!
I wish you the best, get well soon
Said the one who can't stop cheating and dares to try to pass as a victim.
You know, that's funny because I went and read all the answers and noticed that you only responded favorably to people who treated you not as a cheater, but as a victim, as if what you did wasn't your fault.
Those who treated you as you deserved? You did the same as you did to me, you just threw 12yo comebacks at them.
You want the truth? You don't give a damn about those gives, or what it will do to them when they'll realize who you really are. What you care about is the consequences, for you, of them knowing what you did. You can't accept that anyone can make you accountable for your actions, but you know they will do it. So you're trying some damage control by pretending that it's not really your fault.
But it is. And in fact, I think you know they already suspect you. You know it's going to blow in your face soon and that's why you're worried. You don't feel guilty one bit.
What do you do with them? How do you cheat? Just friendship or blowjob, fucking etc?
Like I don't know cuddling, kissing, flirting, going out with them
nothing, just keep cheating until you run into the person who's gonna make you regret cheating. but I just hope that person will not harm you in any way
First you breakup, then you stay single; then you stop cheating forever.
Scientists have observed the same behavior in primates
It's not really that unusual tbh
Oh that's interesting I did not know that
"Both are still considered cheating." - to people who want the drama of "cheating" without any of the actual cheating.
Oh, so you don't think things such as kissing others is cheating? I think a lot of people would diagree.
disagree*
Lot of stupid people.
If you're 18-24 years old you're not going to stop soon and you know it. You're going to stop when the stroke to your ego and the prohibited sex aren't as sweet anymore. That's at least 10-15 years away. Don't waste our time here looking for attention.
yeah no. the worst answer i’ve seen at this point, I don’t know why you even tried. if that’s what you think im here for be a grown man (you’re supposed to be 34) and just go answer another question. I don’t have time to convince you of my intentions I’m too busy trying to fix my life
Funny how your answer proves my point practically dead on.
believe what you want. why don’t you just leave then do you not have anything better to do? starting to think you’re the one looking for attention at this point, or confrontation even
What confrontation? You literally just validated another response where you're told it's not cheating until you've made it exclusive. You're already using excuses to justify what you're doing. Yes, I'm older than you and i've seen people use your horseshit trope dozens of times already. Cheaters normally don't change and women make way WAY more excuses for cheating than men do.
I promise you that when you're caught by one of these guys at some point, you're going to play the victim. Guarenteed.
"It's not cheating until you make a promise to a partner that you will be exclusive and monogamous. Stop making empty promises and then you can screw whoever you want."
Your response was - "True I guess". That's a whore's response. So, again, get off the internet looking for attention and validation. Go do what you want because it's clear you're not going to stop.
lmao i’ve said that to literally every response 😂 you’re just suffering a classic case of confirmation bias and projection. i’ve agreed with people who said to tell the guys and i’ve agreed with people who said not to. i’ve agreed with people who said go single and i’ve agreed with people who say stay with one. i’ve agreed with people who said go around fucking everybody and i’ve agreed with people who said going around fucking everybody isn't cool. I’m not even sexual lmao. if you wanna figure out where I truly lie stfu and go check the response under the only guy that actually asked what i’m actually going to do
oh and while you’re at it, hop off my dick 😂 you ride mine more than anyone has probably ever ridden yours, checking my responses and shit
Oh wait, my bad I didn’t realize you were joking. I saw the answers you posted to other questions and realized it was a joke. You do this to all of the questions. Anyway, nice one I was actually concerned for a minute. I’m leaving now I don’t have time to waste.
@Asker I agree but the opinion owner here stereotypes women often as I have noticed on other questions. His s/o will pay for this when she goes through a tragic life event and he accuses her of being dramatic or attention-seeking. Do not let him be your problem.
By the way this is an example of mysogyny. A whore is someone who has sex for money. You mentioned that you aren’t a sexual person. You are not a whore. And even if you were it shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of as OO is putting it. Do what you want with your body and don’t let any dusty man on here shame you for it. Also given that you provided details on your circumstance when appropriate and put effort into reading everyone’s advice, I can tell you are genuinely struggling and that you’re not here for attention. But you already knew this. So instead of replying to people on here who are clearly wrong start ignoring them and life will be much better.
@AnnabethKT Misogyny how? I would have this exact same reaction to a male cheater and have raked male sluts on this site just the same. Take you 99 cent feminism and fuck off.
@AnnabethKT First off it's pretty clear who the anon asker is, and this question was copied by someone else on to discord and facebook where she's being mocked.
See? How you're now attempting to mock my sex life and insinuate i'm "on your dick"? You're a weak child, which is good insight into why you're cheating. You're not going to stop any time soon so don't use phrases like confirmation bias out of context, it won't work with me. Just keep riding dick and telling dude's "we're not official" when they catch feelings.
@AnnabethKT "Do what you want with your body and don’t let any dusty man on here shame you for it. " - Once again you're creating an echo chamber for her which is what she wants, that's what ALL cheaters want, whether it's a male cheater or a female cheater.
I wouldn't call anyone "dusty".. You claim to be 31 but used the picture of a woman who's clearly over 40. So... who's really the dusty one? How much shit from Sephora do you have to slather on your face to get any attention from decent men at this point?
@Asker Now is your chance. You said you want to stop cheating. Let this be your first step - ignoring the negative nancies just as I will. If you feel tempted to reply just direct message me.