... very odd idea, but i think it could work. ... could.
Tell them both about the other person your seeing, and setup... basically a tridate. Get the two of them to basically go on a date with eachother, almost having you as a third wheel. There will be a silient (or very loud) fight over you. During this, you may need to referee. You are the goal after all.
Ideally, one will submit to the other, but we are stubborn. However, this will give you a rather nice opportunity to compare them sidebyside, and be honest to both of them about it. And, if they make any amount of sense, once you choose one over the other (or NEITHER, and both is not an option. They will coup against you or eachother, they want someone to themselves) Ideally, they would leave you be to him. Likely interrogate him, but if they pass his check (of likely being better than himself) then... you'll be fine
However... on the note of how to deticate youself to one person... That, is a much tougher question, oddly. I think i agree with what someone else said, your literally addicted to... eh. Lust moreso than love but... eh. You never had someone that would really want to deticate themself to you. That... ironically enough is how the problem started, im guessing. Love rehab :P. Beyond that... i dont think men can give you decent advice to avoid cheating EXCEPT if theyve dealt with it before. We just (or... maybe just me) want to handle one person at a time. However, this is likely the reason why guys dont talk to girls much-- due to the small, tiny problem called lust.
Oh okay. I think this is the first reply that suggested having them actually meet together. One is actually long-distance but yeah. I don't know. In your second comment, you're saying the best people to ask would be people who've dealt with cheating before, that makes sense. I feel like no one will admit up to it though, that they were tempted.
Well. Im the first to present this idea, because im pretty sure it only has about a 50% chance (rabdom guess, just picked a number showing my confidence in it) to actually go well. Maybe a bit better for a 3 way voice call ( or video ideally if everyone is willing)
Cheating is normal. Everyone cheats but very few have courage to accept it like you have. So, Bravo! Now, in your situation, you should take both the chances one by one. For example, you can live with X for sometime and recheck your compatibility with X and the level of your urge to be with someone else. Similarly, you can stay with Y. If while living with X, you miss Y and while living with Y you don't miss X then chose Y. And vice versa.
And if you still feel craving for someone else then leave both of them.
I think it's funny how people sit here and act like cheating is one of the worst possible things you can do. There's wayyy worse, such as slicing someone's child up and eating them, but whatever floats your boat. I think that you actually admitting to your faults is very respectable. Most people can't even do that. My advice to you is to explain the situation to both parties. You may take the chance of losing one, the other, or both, but that's the risk you take. I guess it also depends on if you're actually in a relationship or not too. If you're just dating, then eh, who cares. If you're in an established relationship with the two, then it's a problem. At the end of the day, it's your choice. Just hope all goes well.
2
2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Thank you so much!! Also what do you mean by dating vs established relationship?
I really wish i could give more advice, but all so can say is therapy. I personally struggle with being OUT of relationships, I am always in relationships, even if I just got out of one a month ago. I do this because I love the attention, not sexual attention, but positive and genuine attention to my personality. I never got this type of love or attention from my parents, so without it I feel neglected. So, I went to therapy and figured that out. I think therapy, and finding the root of WHY or WHAT causes you to cheat, will definitely help you. I wish you luck, girl! I know you can get through this.
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
didn't realize therapy would help out with that specifically that's perfect!! Thank you so much!
Self control, self discipline, honesty, accountability, and respect. From what you wrote it would appear you possess non of those qualities. Until you are able to be faithful, honest, and respect the person you are with you should not be in a romantic relations ship.
Cheating and money are the 2 main reasons people kill each other. You're really playing with fire here. People's feelings are not something to be taken lightly. If you actually care about a guy, you will tell all the other guys to piss off. You should tell both of them, get dumped, and then find a new guy who is worth not cheating on. If you have been having sex with both of them, they will never forgive you no matter what they or you say. Might as well start fresh so they don't hate you and you can live with yourself in peace.
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4 Reply
Asker
+1 y
That's scary. Okay hm. Thank you for your advice. I don't think anyone has bought up the life-threatening danger of cheating yet which will definitely serve as a preventative.
What I meant was might as well start fresh instead of staying with one of them. That way one of them doesn't hate you and also so you're not living with lies and deception on your conscience. If you were both cheating on each other, then it's like a fair trade and easier to forgive. Do you really want to be laying in bed next to somebody you love 20 years from now, feeling guilty about the times when you were fucking somebody else behind their back?
Or maybe you need to be in an open relationship where you both just agree to being ok with cheating on each other? How will you feel if your boyfriend says "I'm not coming over tonight. I'm going to go out with this other girl tonight". How will that make you feel? You will be doing the same to him. You can both just treat each other like you don't really matter to each other, like you have been doing to these guys already.
Yeah im not really sure. I'd like to say I wouldn't care if he did things with other girls but I feel like I can't truly be sure until I would be in a situation like that.
It usually depends how content a person is in the situation he/she is currently in.
It will not even matter how many partners you have had. If you do not see any contentment it may contribute.
Also, as time passes when we meet people ofcourse the butterflies will eventually always fade.
What is important is how much you would choose your partner regardless of other people interested in you or are attracting you.
Wherever we go, there is always going to be a person who is good looking, attractive, or even try to capture our attention but that loyalty has to start from you or it will always be rocky.
The only way one settles down is when she/he finally finds the right person you would like to struggle with. Relationships are not just about butterflies.
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0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
My best advice is to come clean with them both. If you are VERY lucky one of them won't kick you to the curb, and if you acknowledge that that is exactly what you deserve, then you will feel lucky if they don't. I'm not trying to be down on you, but that is a very standard reaction.
That being said, moving forward, you need to grow up a bit and realize that relationships take work and commitment. Part of that work for some is remaining faithful. For others it may be communication, and for others it may be in the bedroom, trying to be open to new things...
Remember, you can only control you, but you can control you.
1. You don't want to stop cheating. You want to stop getting the shitty aftermath and hurt feelings
2. Most girls who serial cheat have deeper issues to address that no one can diagnose beforehand
3. If I were to offer any "how to" it would be to get a hypnotherapist or therapist that is familiar with hypnosis to help you diagnose where it comes from and provide methods to resolve it.
Admiring you need to change is often the hardest part.
Your next step should be to identify your ideals. Try to figure out if either of your current partners fit those ideals or could grow to fit that ideal
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1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Thank you and ideal as in what would my perfect partner look like? This is the first reply I'm specifically mentioning details of the partners but one is a little clingy. The only thing aside from that that I don't really like about him is I don't feel like I grow around him which is what I kind of wanted. Like he's not ambitious and I think I'm attracted to ambition for some reason. When I'm working he often pulls me away from my work or asks why I don't do something more fun instead. But he has everything else.
The other guy I've been with for longer. It's a long-distance relationship, I've never actually seen him in person. He is nearly everything I want, I think. He kind of discourages me a little bit too when doing work but not as much. He's pretty ambitious. I think the problem is I got bored in the relationship. Our conversations were almost the same every day, us asking how our days went. We haven't done anything together in a while, but he is more ideal.
I would get professional help if I were you like counseling, therapy, etc. It's good that you feel bad now about what you did. That's a start and you're on the right track. I can tell you're not a sociopath or a psychopath. Everyone makes mistakes. We're all human. Try to ignore the trolls (probably easier said than done). There are a lot of them on here unfortunately.
Yeah I got them on some of my other questions too in the past before. I don't know why they would waste their time commenting dumb replies to things. But yeah I'm glad I asked cause I definitely wouldn't have thought of therapy if I didn't post this.
You're probably trying to make up for daddy issues or your mom may be a whore and you've adopted some of that personality.
Either way, this is entirely a you problem. You're still of able enough mind to know you're wrong (most deny it to themselves) so it's all in your hands to sort yourself out.
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1 Reply
Asker
New+1 y
Okay, childhood trauma. I've gotten a few replies saying that. To be quite honest, I don't know. I think my family has treated me well? But my sister also has relationship problems, like she often finds herself in abusive relationships. I think it's because she doesn't stand up for herself and she tolerates it thinking he will change soon. My parents are divorced. Aside from that, I can't really see where my parents would have gone wrong. But I will say I have an anxious attachment style if that sheds light on anything.
I think you are taking it too seriously , just take your time , keep doing both , then if and when the time comes , that you think its " one or the other " just address it then , you have no need to put yourself under such pressure , you are young , you are free to do as you wish , just go gently dont listen to any bs lecture , and just keep seeing them both. No big deal , just keep going , and put no pressure on yourself. Take acre.. No Rules , no rules indeed.
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1 Reply
Asker
New+1 y
What if I'm sure they were probably assuming we're in a monogamous relationship though?
I love your update! Let us know how it turns out. From my experience, there are a lot of women who get into the position of being with more than one. I like your honesty, and I hope the men don't go out there and bad mouth you. You are doing the right thing.
"one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious .."
It sort of seems like the relationship is based on attention, in the end it's you who has to think.. and maybe because you're sort of lying to both of them you can't be yourself with either
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2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Interesting quote, this is food for thought. I probably am unhappy alone. That's definitely something I'm going to work towards.
Do you know the reason why are you cheating? There must be a reason try to figure that out first. Monogamy is not for everyone just like polygamy is also not for everyone and that's okay you just need to figure out what you want for you life. I know you feel bad and ashamed but once you figure what's best for you and be honest to yourself and to your partner (s) you'll feel relived afterwards. All the best.
If you haven't yet defined the relationship, then it's not cheating.
If you HAVE defined the relationship, then you need to take a moment to reflect on that and realize what it means. Allow yourself to be at peace with the fact that you have FOUND someone and he is now yours. So appreciate that and respect it. And show him the love and respect he deserves by being faithful to him.
Thank you again for this again as well as your help. I'd like to say like in every relationship the intention behind the conversation has changed. Like it's not all about me anymore it's more about them too and being a true friend. One where you know they're being nice for you and not so that you can just see them as nice.
Whose intention changed? Yours or his? And did the intention really change, or was the your perception of the intention that changed? Like, first you thought it was something (incorrectly) and then you realized that it was something else.
Here is my opinion. You cheat out of fear of being alone or hurt. You’re not cheating to hurt anyone. You might be filling a hole in your heart. Don’t settle for half the man you need in your life. Figure out who you are and want. Forgive yourself. You can’t change your past but you can change your future choices.
why the fuck, don't you tell them your just dating, man I don't date two at a time, but the ones I known who have.. just say we are just talking.. okay one says bye and you can be with the other one.. that or you need a guy who can take you out as much as the two half asses you are with
the easiest answer is to say I have a boyfriend already.. and no the best buy guy is not looking for a hook up , you should seriously ask him about the computer you want or you're gonna pick the wrong one.
Sounds to me like you have an unfortunate habit of using men for some kind of significance and perhaps excitement. And if you're using someone, you're not loving them. You're not in a romantic relationship, you're in a relationship of ussery that just looks romantic.
And honestly I think you should not get into a relationship any more until you have this fixed. Until you're willing to totally commit yourself to one person and one person alone. And I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of past trama behind that. So maybe get that worked out with a therapist as well
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
134Opinion
... very odd idea, but i think it could work.
... could.
Tell them both about the other person your seeing, and setup... basically a tridate. Get the two of them to basically go on a date with eachother, almost having you as a third wheel. There will be a silient (or very loud) fight over you. During this, you may need to referee. You are the goal after all.
Ideally, one will submit to the other, but we are stubborn. However, this will give you a rather nice opportunity to compare them sidebyside, and be honest to both of them about it.
And, if they make any amount of sense, once you choose one over the other (or NEITHER, and both is not an option. They will coup against you or eachother, they want someone to themselves)
Ideally, they would leave you be to him. Likely interrogate him, but if they pass his check (of likely being better than himself) then... you'll be fine
However... on the note of how to deticate youself to one person...
That, is a much tougher question, oddly.
I think i agree with what someone else said, your literally addicted to... eh. Lust moreso than love but... eh. You never had someone that would really want to deticate themself to you. That... ironically enough is how the problem started, im guessing. Love rehab :P.
Beyond that... i dont think men can give you decent advice to avoid cheating EXCEPT if theyve dealt with it before. We just (or... maybe just me) want to handle one person at a time. However, this is likely the reason why guys dont talk to girls much-- due to the small, tiny problem called lust.
Oh okay. I think this is the first reply that suggested having them actually meet together. One is actually long-distance but yeah. I don't know. In your second comment, you're saying the best people to ask would be people who've dealt with cheating before, that makes sense. I feel like no one will admit up to it though, that they were tempted.
Well. Im the first to present this idea, because im pretty sure it only has about a 50% chance (rabdom guess, just picked a number showing my confidence in it) to actually go well. Maybe a bit better for a 3 way voice call ( or video ideally if everyone is willing)
Cheating is normal.
Everyone cheats but very few have courage to accept it like you have.
So, Bravo!
Now, in your situation, you should take both the chances one by one.
For example, you can live with X for sometime and recheck your compatibility with X and the level of your urge to be with someone else.
Similarly, you can stay with Y.
If while living with X, you miss Y and while living with Y you don't miss X then chose Y.
And vice versa.
And if you still feel craving for someone else then leave both of them.
Thanks for the advice!
I think it's funny how people sit here and act like cheating is one of the worst possible things you can do. There's wayyy worse, such as slicing someone's child up and eating them, but whatever floats your boat. I think that you actually admitting to your faults is very respectable. Most people can't even do that. My advice to you is to explain the situation to both parties. You may take the chance of losing one, the other, or both, but that's the risk you take. I guess it also depends on if you're actually in a relationship or not too. If you're just dating, then eh, who cares. If you're in an established relationship with the two, then it's a problem. At the end of the day, it's your choice. Just hope all goes well.
Thank you so much!! Also what do you mean by dating vs established relationship?
If you are dating to "test the waters" or if the two of you are official.
I really wish i could give more advice, but all so can say is therapy.
I personally struggle with being OUT of relationships, I am always in relationships, even if I just got out of one a month ago. I do this because I love the attention, not sexual attention, but positive and genuine attention to my personality. I never got this type of love or attention from my parents, so without it I feel neglected. So, I went to therapy and figured that out.
I think therapy, and finding the root of WHY or WHAT causes you to cheat, will definitely help you. I wish you luck, girl! I know you can get through this.
didn't realize therapy would help out with that specifically that's perfect!! Thank you so much!
Self control, self discipline, honesty, accountability, and respect. From what you wrote it would appear you possess non of those qualities. Until you are able to be faithful, honest, and respect the person you are with you should not be in a romantic relations ship.
You wanna get better, the first step is honesty.
Great reply.
Thanks for your honesty. Self-discipline/control, honesty, accountability, and respect. I will work on each one of those.
Cheating and money are the 2 main reasons people kill each other. You're really playing with fire here. People's feelings are not something to be taken lightly. If you actually care about a guy, you will tell all the other guys to piss off. You should tell both of them, get dumped, and then find a new guy who is worth not cheating on. If you have been having sex with both of them, they will never forgive you no matter what they or you say. Might as well start fresh so they don't hate you and you can live with yourself in peace.
That's scary. Okay hm. Thank you for your advice. I don't think anyone has bought up the life-threatening danger of cheating yet which will definitely serve as a preventative.
What I meant was might as well start fresh instead of staying with one of them. That way one of them doesn't hate you and also so you're not living with lies and deception on your conscience. If you were both cheating on each other, then it's like a fair trade and easier to forgive. Do you really want to be laying in bed next to somebody you love 20 years from now, feeling guilty about the times when you were fucking somebody else behind their back?
Or maybe you need to be in an open relationship where you both just agree to being ok with cheating on each other? How will you feel if your boyfriend says "I'm not coming over tonight. I'm going to go out with this other girl tonight". How will that make you feel? You will be doing the same to him. You can both just treat each other like you don't really matter to each other, like you have been doing to these guys already.
Yeah im not really sure. I'd like to say I wouldn't care if he did things with other girls but I feel like I can't truly be sure until I would be in a situation like that.
There is no secret.
It usually depends how content a person is in the situation he/she is currently in.
It will not even matter how many partners you have had. If you do not see any contentment it may contribute.
Also, as time passes when we meet people ofcourse the butterflies will eventually always fade.
What is important is how much you would choose your partner regardless of other people interested in you or are attracting you.
Wherever we go, there is always going to be a person who is good looking, attractive, or even try to capture our attention but that loyalty has to start from you or it will always be rocky.
The only way one settles down is when she/he finally finds the right person you would like to struggle with.
Relationships are not just about butterflies.
My best advice is to come clean with them both. If you are VERY lucky one of them won't kick you to the curb, and if you acknowledge that that is exactly what you deserve, then you will feel lucky if they don't. I'm not trying to be down on you, but that is a very standard reaction.
That being said, moving forward, you need to grow up a bit and realize that relationships take work and commitment. Part of that work for some is remaining faithful. For others it may be communication, and for others it may be in the bedroom, trying to be open to new things...
Remember, you can only control you, but you can control you.
Good luck, Hun, and I hope it all works out
I hear you, thank you for the advice.
1. You don't want to stop cheating. You want to stop getting the shitty aftermath and hurt feelings
2. Most girls who serial cheat have deeper issues to address that no one can diagnose beforehand
3. If I were to offer any "how to" it would be to get a hypnotherapist or therapist that is familiar with hypnosis to help you diagnose where it comes from and provide methods to resolve it.
Alright thanks!
Or any form of professional therapy for that matter.
Congratulations you took the first step.
Admiring you need to change is often the hardest part.
Your next step should be to identify your ideals. Try to figure out if either of your current partners fit those ideals or could grow to fit that ideal
Thank you and ideal as in what would my perfect partner look like? This is the first reply I'm specifically mentioning details of the partners but one is a little clingy. The only thing aside from that that I don't really like about him is I don't feel like I grow around him which is what I kind of wanted. Like he's not ambitious and I think I'm attracted to ambition for some reason. When I'm working he often pulls me away from my work or asks why I don't do something more fun instead. But he has everything else.
The other guy I've been with for longer. It's a long-distance relationship, I've never actually seen him in person. He is nearly everything I want, I think. He kind of discourages me a little bit too when doing work but not as much. He's pretty ambitious. I think the problem is I got bored in the relationship. Our conversations were almost the same every day, us asking how our days went. We haven't done anything together in a while, but he is more ideal.
I would get professional help if I were you like counseling, therapy, etc. It's good that you feel bad now about what you did. That's a start and you're on the right track. I can tell you're not a sociopath or a psychopath. Everyone makes mistakes. We're all human. Try to ignore the trolls (probably easier said than done). There are a lot of them on here unfortunately.
HERE HERE!!! 🥂
Yeah I got them on some of my other questions too in the past before. I don't know why they would waste their time commenting dumb replies to things. But yeah I'm glad I asked cause I definitely wouldn't have thought of therapy if I didn't post this.
Glad I can help.
@Asker I hope I was able to as well.
That's what she said
Yeah both of you guys helped thank you so much
@Asker You're welcome.
You're probably trying to make up for daddy issues or your mom may be a whore and you've adopted some of that personality.
Either way, this is entirely a you problem. You're still of able enough mind to know you're wrong (most deny it to themselves) so it's all in your hands to sort yourself out.
Okay, childhood trauma. I've gotten a few replies saying that. To be quite honest, I don't know. I think my family has treated me well? But my sister also has relationship problems, like she often finds herself in abusive relationships. I think it's because she doesn't stand up for herself and she tolerates it thinking he will change soon. My parents are divorced. Aside from that, I can't really see where my parents would have gone wrong. But I will say I have an anxious attachment style if that sheds light on anything.
I think you are taking it too seriously , just take your time , keep doing both , then if and when the time comes , that you think its " one or the other " just address it then , you have no need to put yourself under such pressure , you are young , you are free to do as you wish , just go gently dont listen to any bs lecture , and just keep seeing them both. No big deal , just keep going , and put no pressure on yourself. Take acre..
No Rules , no rules indeed.
What if I'm sure they were probably assuming we're in a monogamous relationship though?
I love your update! Let us know how it turns out. From my experience, there are a lot of women who get into the position of being with more than one. I like your honesty, and I hope the men don't go out there and bad mouth you. You are doing the right thing.
Thank you so much. This has truthfully been hard.
"one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious
.."
It sort of seems like the relationship is based on attention, in the end it's you who has to think.. and maybe because you're sort of lying to both of them you can't be yourself with either
Interesting quote, this is food for thought. I probably am unhappy alone. That's definitely something I'm going to work towards.
(hope your hopes define your actions and not your fears, maybe : ) )
Do you know the reason why are you cheating? There must be a reason try to figure that out first. Monogamy is not for everyone just like polygamy is also not for everyone and that's okay you just need to figure out what you want for you life. I know you feel bad and ashamed but once you figure what's best for you and be honest to yourself and to your partner (s) you'll feel relived afterwards. All the best.
Thank you so much 💗
If you haven't yet defined the relationship, then it's not cheating.
If you HAVE defined the relationship, then you need to take a moment to reflect on that and realize what it means. Allow yourself to be at peace with the fact that you have FOUND someone and he is now yours. So appreciate that and respect it. And show him the love and respect he deserves by being faithful to him.
I hope this helps! :)
This is well worded, thanks!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Hmm what do you mean by defined relationship @jamoe05rhs
@Jamie05rhs
@Aakash_Hangargi It means you say "You're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend," "We're a couple," and/or "We're dating."
Thank you again for this again as well as your help. I'd like to say like in every relationship the intention behind the conversation has changed. Like it's not all about me anymore it's more about them too and being a true friend. One where you know they're being nice for you and not so that you can just see them as nice.
Whose intention changed? Yours or his? And did the intention really change, or was the your perception of the intention that changed? Like, first you thought it was something (incorrectly) and then you realized that it was something else.
Here is my opinion. You cheat out of fear of being alone or hurt. You’re not cheating to hurt anyone. You might be filling a hole in your heart. Don’t settle for half the man you need in your life. Figure out who you are and want. Forgive yourself. You can’t change your past but you can change your future choices.
More like filling a hole in her butt
Thank you for your advice and encouragement!
@donnny2367764 technically correct, but doing so does the above.
(Also... pretty sure she did state she usually avoids sex. *shrug*)
why the fuck, don't you tell them your just dating, man I don't date two at a time, but the ones I known who have.. just say we are just talking.. okay one says bye and you can be with the other one.. that or you need a guy who can take you out as much as the two half asses you are with
the easiest answer is to say I have a boyfriend already.. and no the best buy guy is not looking for a hook up , you should seriously ask him about the computer you want or you're gonna pick the wrong one.
Hm okay. One thing though, when I would be about to say "I have a boyfriend" I'd fear the opportunity I'd me missing out on, with the other guy.
Sounds to me like you have an unfortunate habit of using men for some kind of significance and perhaps excitement. And if you're using someone, you're not loving them. You're not in a romantic relationship, you're in a relationship of ussery that just looks romantic.
And honestly I think you should not get into a relationship any more until you have this fixed. Until you're willing to totally commit yourself to one person and one person alone. And I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of past trama behind that. So maybe get that worked out with a therapist as well