When is it okay give your girlfriend/boyfriend and ultimatum?

Question

NathanDavis · Accepted Answer

ideally, never... if you come up with ultimatums is because you're already willing to break up, and at least to me personally, that's a point of no return, so I rather work things as a couple right at the very moment when any situation stars as a potential problem

but that wasn't quite what you asked so... I guess if it comes to a point in which the actions of the other are really starting to affect you, and even third parties, because I think that at point you would be just enabling your partner and everyone is now getting in serious trouble so... you have to draw a line somewhere

for example, gambling issues... if they start wasting all of their own money and even acquire debt, well that's their money but if they start stealing from you or others, so they can gamble that as well? this is why I think an ultimatum could be an option, assuming that you already tried many other sensible solutions and approaches first

so, I think it would okay to have it as a last resort... it would be for the best (your own best anyway)

TheorionMage · Accepted Answer

In every relationship there are certain 'deal breaker' behaviors which most often are just 'common sense' and / or disrespectful. BUT... some folk's life experiences (or lack of them!) make them naïve or just plain 'clueless' and for THOSE, if you find their company worth the effort, you give them a 'pass' on their FIRST transgression and SPELL IT OUT.

THEREAFTER if repeated, it was their DELIBERATE choice, not unlike a headstrong child seeing what they might get away with without 'consequences'. Clearly, THEIR maturity and how much they value YOUR feelings determines whether you elect to 'ghost' them~

"Mind over matter"... I no longer mind, BECAAUSE YOU no longer matter! BYE!

somesoul · Accepted Answer

Hi, make him leave the bad habit and ask him if he respects you enough to accept your suggestion. If not, break up as self love should be a number one priority and under no circumstance should you tolerate others flaws if you can't tolerate to have them exist in their life. He should respect you that his addiction is not just harming you but the relationship as a whole. So if he love and respects you, he should make efforts to get off the addiction and if he does not make efforts, my girl time to move on.

Not all men are jerks but self love and respect is important.

FreyaRed · Accepted Answer

Yes. If someone agrees a compromise. You do your part but your partner does nothing it's the only solution to make them clear you won't accept their behavior anymore. Of course you should consider an ultimatum as all-in option and you can afford the lose of this relationship.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

It is okay to give an ultimatum only if you are wanting an excuse to end the relationship under circumstances in which you will feel morally justified. GIving an ultimatum almost always leads to a breakup, so why go through a meaningless exercise? Why not just go directly to the breakup talk?

SkyCastle90 · Answer

In my opinion, ultimatums should only be used if he/she has a lethal addiction with a choice between getting help that is paid for by loved ones or the addiction; if he/she chooses the addiction then the relationship is over.

Outside of those circumstances, I feel ultimatums are just used to wrongfully accentuate demands to issues that have more than one solution. For example, if I have a messy partner who doesn't pick up after himself, do I:

A. Tell him that if he doesn't start cleaning up after himself then the relationship is over.
B. Talk with him and explain how serious this is to me, and make a chore chart together.

Sensible answer is B. Always talk it out first and foremost, and come to a compromise. If you or your partner's first instinct is to give an ultimatum over every fallacy, then the relationship might be abusive and must end for the sake of everyone's mental health.

libsaretards · Answer

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. Ultimatums are a sign of immaturity. A relationship is supposed to be two equal partners. An ultimatum is one partner trying to be controlling of the other, which is unacceptable. If you feel like you need to make an ultimatum, then trust has failed and the relationship is done. If someone tries to make you submit to an ultimatum, then they have control issues and you need to leave. Instead of ultimatums, the correct thing to do is discuss the issue, compromise where possible and part ways when it is clear you are not compatible.

humanearth · Answer

When they can't accept who you are or your kids.

Like if my first wife and a few girlfriends said stop crossdressing, or I'm leaving. My reply: By Bitch, you think crossdressing that easy that someone can just stop and don't you think I tried.

Like a girl I was dating would not accept my sons and told me why don't you drop them off at their mothers. My reply would be again: By Bitch, My kids come first no mater what.

See I was put though this questions in real life, and you know what. Them women left, and long gone. And I still have my freedom to crossdress and have my sons. Because I found a woman that has taken me as me and loves my sons as her own.

Over the decades I have grown to love my wife more as each year passes. We are one.

Little_Bumblebee · Answer

I would say if it's something like doing drugs, gambling, alcoholism, or something like that ruins lives.

In general, I'm not a fan of ultimatums, it shows you're not compatible if it's necessary and the other person might very well be very controlling.

crmoore · Answer

Whenever you deem it necessary. Don't get me wrong, ultimatums feel horrible. But if you're unhappy in a relationship, it's reasonable. Like you obviously shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship you're unhappy with, and if you're unhappy, I'd imagine it's bound to end regardless. So if things don't change and you'll end up leaving anyways, you might as well give them the option/ultimatum. If they say no, then nothing changed, you still end up leaving them just like you would if you didn't give them the ultimatum. If they say "you know what, my girlfriend is more important to me than my smoking/drinking/lack of a job/etc, so I'm going to change."

In short, the ultimatum doesn't yield more bad potential results, but it does yield at least one positive potential results.

(Granted, that's arguable, as you could say the ultimatum could make them more upset with you than they otherwise would be, but I'm speaking from a broader perspective, here).

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Greatly depends on what it’s about, however for some things it can be anytime.

i have a habit of relying on the Magic floor for doing my washing.

i have been given ultimatums a few times lol

Washing basket or bin lol

DaveJord · Answer

Its okay at any time as long as you fine with breaking up with them over it.

Honestly if you feel you need to issue one of these ultimatums, then they are probably not the right person for you anyway. I suspect that even if they responded well to it, over time they will secretly resent you for it. As a general rule its not a good thing to have to do, and if this person was your real soul mate you wouldn't ever feel the need for it.

SaoirseS · Answer

When one or more behaviors becomes intolerable, usually after a few talks and gentle warnings. In simple terms, when enough is enough.

I had a boyfriend once who thought it was funny to go into my sock drawer and mismatch my socks. It was the first time, but not after that it was no longer funny. Despite a few warnings which he did not heed, I gave him an ultimatum. Leave my socks and other clothing alone or face a quick death. His remains would never be found.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

It's never okay.

I was given the 'I demand this or divorce' ultimatum once.
I don't know why women think that a man is going to react positively to it.. it boggles the mind.. but yeah, I told her "F. U. That's my counter-ultimatum".

If we allowed the ultimatum then that means we give up a piece of who we are. Not this guy. Cheers

AviatorTom · Answer

Ultimatums (which are a form of threats) are rarely useful. The person giving the ultimatum is generally already convinced that the other person should just give in. And the other person is generally convinced they didn't deserve the ultimatum. So, in the end, no one wins and the ultimate was useless.

Conversation and communication is a better way to resolve whatever caused the reason for an ultimatum.

horatiohornblower · Answer

I'd say if there is a relationship ending issue and you want to give them a chance to correct the issue. Rather than simply ending it. You're giving the choice to correct it or not correct it.

Although I wouldn't put it in the form of do this or else. Leave it at explaining the issue and omitting the consequences. You know what the consequences are and can break up if the problem persists.

ohshee · Answer

I mean I'd rather get a box of candy or a shirt or something

I think if it's gone that far then things are probably close to the end I still think about the candy or something would be good but if you're unhappy you're unhappy and if it's unfixable it's unfixable how about an aquarium socks underwear

genericname85 · Answer

well if you give your partner an ultimatum, i think you missjudge your position. you're in a relationship. that means you have expectations. and if those expectations aren't met, you leave. you can not demand that your expectations are met, cause you are not entiteled to that. an ultimatum would be good for a situation where you're actually entiteled to that.

annabananna · Answer

I don’t know it depends. Like saying if you kill someone I will break up with you is totally understandable. If you say something like if you don’t take me shopping I’ll break up with you that’s not healthy. In other words if you just do it to control the other person it’s not ok.

This_Is_My_Opinion8 · Answer

When you reached a point where you can't take it anymore. Not when you are angry. No. It must come from a place of love and sadness. When you really want it to work, because you love her, but can't deal with whatever it is.
Of course it can't be a major part of her personality that you dislike, or deny her something that's really important to her. I'm that case, if you can't deal with any of that, just leave.

Screenwriter · Answer

When they're doing something illegal that will get you, them or both of you in trouble.

When they're physically, emotionally or verbally abusing you. Tell them to stop.

Otherwise, ultimatums are generally a "Never."

ShadezMcgee · Answer

Ultimatums are typically a manipulative tactic one uses as a method of control. If one is using it, the relationship is on the brink of failure. If you are at this point, be ready with contingency plans to support yourself.

exitseven · Answer

When their behavior is something that you can no longer tolerate. It could be flirting with other guys, drug use, lying or other behaviors that are incongruous to your values. Either they shape up or find somebody else.

Anonymous · Answer

The only time to give an ultimatum is when you want the relationship to end but don't have the courage to be direct and initiate the breakup yourself so you can convince yourself later that it wasn't your fault. It's a passive aggressive and self-deceptive way to ask for a breakup, because giving someone an ultimatum is just begging for that person to flip you the bird and walk away.

Prettygurl12 · Answer

When you're willing to follow through with the outcome. 99.99% of the time they're a death sentence to a relationship so...

BareTruth · Answer

In general it’s a bad decision to give an ultimatum because it comes across controlling and manipulative. Now if it’s something serious like they are drinking too much or they keep choosing to be around very kinds of people who are detrimental to you then it’s ok

Anonymous · Answer

If you actually mean it. You are allowed to break up whenever, but don't threat with it if you won't follow through. Your partner might like you less for it though, so just a decision one have to make if it is worth it.

Adam1978 · Answer

Ultimatum is the last warning before breakup. So if the relationship is going down the drain you can give them a last chance.

Honesttguy · Answer

When u dont want to go any further the way it is. When u either want to nreak it off eight now or something has to change now.

TrueConfection · Answer

When you're prepared to accept the ultimatum you give. Most partners won't play and will call your bluff.

lilyanony1 · Answer

When you really have had enough. And you know that unless they agree to the ultimatum you really are leaving,

sheikalana · Answer

Probably when you think there's no other option but to give them an ultimatum. When you've had several conversations about something you don't like and they don't give two f*cks about it.

JasM0 · Answer

When things are at a tipping point and there are emotional and physical consequences.  Cheers

AdithyaR · Answer

Never. Ultimatums are never good for a relationship. If something's bothering you that much, you should probably just leave rather than expecting them to change for you.

Mikeysoda · Answer

When it comes to important things not being met consistently after communicating the issues. Important things such as your safety and needs.

cookiecrusher · Answer

Ultimatums are fine when you set your boundaries. They are not fine for manipulation and control.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

It's ok to give an ultimatum when you're 100% sure you want a break-up afterwards.

Agape93 · Answer

When it becomes obvious that they won't change on their own

dustybiker · Answer

No. I wouldn’t want one and certainly not going to give one.

Fireguy17 · Answer

only if you are prepared to follow through with it if they say no. Otherwise you have just set a bad precedent.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Ultimatum doesn't work that greatly , it leaves a dent in your relationship. Mostly the ultimatum giver repents it later , even though he might be right

worldscolide · Answer

I would say never, that's just not OK. If I felt the need to give my wife an ultimatum it's a sign there is something seriously wrong.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

If she's doing something that might be negative to our relationship or if someday she comes to me and act like a feminist especially that she knew from the beginning that i'm an ANTI FEMINIST...

AndrésC64 · Answer

It depends on the ultimatum and whether you are really ready to lose the person. Personally, I don't like ultimatums. I don't think many people do. So you better be sure about it.

TheBigGuy9 · Answer

When it gets to the point of where you are so disgusted it doesn’t even make you mad anymore. When you are no longer happy sleeping in the same bed together. No more sex. Gets fat.

slatyb · Answer

Okay? Whenever you are serious and will follow through.

AMA_ImAnOpenBook · Answer

In my opinion, if an ultimatum is necessary, then you aren't right for each other. Ultimatum=denial that the relationship is already over.

whosDmann · Answer

Depending on the ultimatetum.. u gonna have to stay in your lane.. we are just boyfriend and girlfriend

RebeccaBI2000 · Answer

I am extreme about keeping my house clean. I hate dishes left in the sink. I would force them to get disposable if they always leave them in the sink.

Tonita91996 · Answer

I think I am good with being alone too many people can't make up their mind what they want and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong from keeping the relationship.

admles · Answer

Only if you’re prepared for a breakup afterwards. It has to be for serious stuff, like drug abuse etc Stuff like a proposal deadline, or demanding passwords, never acceptable.

AnthonyJ01 · Answer

Giving an ultimatum is looking to end a relationship. This is how it is going to be or else we are done.  It was the same with my ex. Everything had to be as she demanded.

Hypnos0929 · Answer

When their decision affects you. Anyone who calls ultimatums immature just don't think about the point of a relationship.

LordOfThePines · Answer

When you have tried to get them to behave better in other ways but they refuse to do so or simply disregards how you feel.

imfreeze95 · Answer

On occasion, are they engaging in destructive behaviors that are hurting both of you? Or breaking the law?

Pterodon · Answer

When you’re ready to follow through with your threat

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

If he or she does it regarding a potential marriage then I think its fine. No need be wasting people's time.

msg999 · Answer

Why is most of your questions are about men and women relations, gender discrimination, women's status on society e. t. c?

Anonymous · Answer

When you want to break up. Because that's what is going to happen.

pizzalovershouse · Answer

I don't believe in it not less their cutting you foen or not willing to compermise

BeachLuvR97 · Answer

Why not just get it over with, and break up? Why drag it out?

jasco · Answer

What is a ultimatum? Why would i need to give her one?

ArtHelm · Answer

When you decide that your feelings are more important than theirs.

Ratpack60 · Answer

When you feel it’s necessary and you have no other choice

When is it okay give your girlfriend/boyfriend and ultimatum?

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When is it okay give your girlfriend/boyfriend and ultimatum?

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