How to be the ideal girlfriend/wife material?

[Anonymous]

It's my first time being in a relationship; while some people say first loves don't last I really want this to work out. I know you're not supposed to change yourself for a guy, but improving to be a more suited to eachother is okay. So how to be an ideal girlfriend (generally speaking as everyone has their own preferences).

What's the right amount of clingyness? I'm a little clingy, I like to be around my boyfriend a lot. Even if we're not necessarily talking, I just like being beside him.

What's the right amount of effort? I don't want my efforts to seem overbearing or burdening to him. I do pack him lunches and do cooking as I like cooking. I don't mind being there for him on-call. I like to be the person he is comfortable ranting to about his day or sharing his problems with, but I don't like really sharing my own problems. Because of this I thought what if he feels it one-sided. That's not the case, I'm just more of a private person (with him for now).

What is right level of submissiveness?
I don't want him to think I'm boring or just follow everything he says, but most of the time I genuinely just agree all what he says and my nature is a little shy so I don't like taking the lead in intimate situation. I do take initiative in sweet, or cute gestures of affection like hugs etc. Overtime will me being like this become boring for him tho?

I'm not so shy and I don't worry this much about every little thing in real life; I don't know why I'm just so shy and nervous around him. My MBTI is ENFP - all my freinds would describe me and the loud, confident, unpredictable person of the group. Both at work and in Uni teachers and superiors alike have complimented me on my confidence and independence but I don't know why I'm so conscientious and self-conscious around him being in a relationship.

[caring__1]

It is challenging being in a relationship for the first time, as you have no previous experience you've learned from. Just keep your eyes open and pay attention. Learn what works for your partner and what doesn't. Don't focus on what you believe should work. Never say or do anything you wouldn't want others to say or do to you or your loved ones.

Be the best you you can be rather than attempting to be something you're not. Learn what he sees as your assets, and do your best to enhance them whenever possible. Connection is important, but never smother the other person. Subtleties tend to have more significant impact (and more enduring) than extremes. Never expect of another what you're not willing to freely give. If you hold back, he'll start holding back, also. Be assertive... not passive or aggressive. In other words, let your thoughts and feelings be clearly known without pushing them on others. The more we invest, the more we have to lose. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to potential pain also allows yourself to enjoy special moments. Balance is very important in all aspects of life (including playfulness and responsibility; mutual respect and consideration; independence and dependence, etc.). Be an active, equal partner in all areas and make sure both of you always feel safe, secure and special.

Don't copy others, assuming they wouldn't do it if it didn't work. You'll see a lot of dysfunctional patterns around you. For instance, understand that criticism will never lead to a positive result, even when you legitimize it as constructive criticism. Seek out a professional who can teach the two of you effective communication skills, for, other than self-centeredness, dysfunctional communication leads to the most conflict in relationships. The best relationships are those where both prioritize being both student and teacher. Learn all you can from your partner, and clearly share your own truth with your partner. Never expect others to change for you. Make the most of what exists rather than focus on any personal sense of entitlement. Never expect of others what you're not already bringing to the relationship. Relationships are to be enjoyed, so enjoy what you have rather than live in fear.

[Anonymous]

The answer will be a little different for every guy. The question you need to ask is what makes a woman valuable to men. Most women today seem to have lost sight of what men actually value in a woman, and what makes a woman an ideal and desirable mate.

Sex is obviously a very important factor, so your ability as a lover is a huge factor. But that has always been the case. In the past, it was expected that most men would not have access to sex until they were married, which is clearly not the case today, so women need to think hard about what other things they bring to the table that make them valuable as a mate.

Beyond sex, many or most women seem to think the things that make them valuable to men are the same things that make a man valuable to women. That's true for some things, like being loyal and kind, having a good personality and showing respect and appreciation for the opposite sex. But their mate being highly educated and having a great career are NOT nearly as important to men as they are to women. In fact, sometimes those things can be a negative thing rather than a positive one because they can get in the way of a woman having the things that really ARE important to men.

Here are a couple of good articles on what men and women are valued for by each other and by society as a whole. They are very different things.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/interactives/strong-men-caring-women/

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2017/12/05/on-gender-differences-no-consensus-on-nature-vs-nurture/

In spite of all the changes in society and gender roles in recent decades, men and women still (and always will) want and need different things form each other. That's never going to change because we are wired differently at the genetic level from thousands of years of evolution. Our world is very different than it was thousands of years ago, but our genes haven't changed and we still find the same basic traits attractive in men and women as our counterparts did long ago. Women want strong, confident, dominant and capable men. Men want kind, caring, nurturing and submissive women. There are of course exceptions because everyone is different, but those things are still true on the whole. I realize those are controversial statements but they are true nonetheless, and truth is all that matters here.

It shouldn't be a mystery to anyone what makes a woman an ideal mate/wife material, but if you want facts, don't ask a feminist.

[LaNc3L0TT]

It is your first relationship and my advice for you is just to enjoy that time and to HAVE good time. It all comes with time and experience in relationships or even with one but longer one. As I said don't overthink or overdo to much because you might end up putting yourself and boyfriend under big pressure. Just go step by step and everything will come naturally for you.

[Anonymous]

Don't over think it at this point or get too far ahead of yourself. Just be yourself, get to know each other and see how it goes.