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Am I the asshole for wanting to go to couples counseling before having a second child? (Page 3)
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No... if you don't want to deal with all of that again then you should not have to.
No, you are not the bitch, asshole or any manipulative word. You have every legal and moral right to ask for professionsl help with your relstionship matters.
I think you need counseling before giving birth again, I am not sure it needs to be couples for you to prepare for giving birth again. You are not unreasonable to be uncertain about or unwilling to give birth again, though, if you choose that route.
Oh boy at that age already having kids... in the early 20s most folks are still kids themselves.
Go to that counselling, before you repent it in the future
My husband and is doctor and we bought our first house over a hear and a half ago… I wouldn’t consider us kids
A house in the early 20s? Wow wonder what country you're from. At my place the average house costs 1.2million €... impossible for a guy to pay right after finishing college.
But, returning to the issue, I'd still advice counselling. It is not selfish if you dont want.
I live in Portland Oregon, USA
No i dont. If he cannot see why you feel like this, it be the only way to make him realise, this..
No not at all. I think couples counseling is a great idea. I hope the two of you figure it out.
You are not selfish for but wanting to go through the trauma again but are you the ass for wanting to go to couples counseling. Him pressuring you to go through a traumatic experience is selfish
No, I don't think so, talking to someone can never hurt. As long as you are open minded about it, it can only give you both more understanding.
have you been to individual therapy for the birth trauma?
Yes.
So how would pair therapy fix your problem? I mean i understand you fear the trauma of birth for a second time. How is couple therapy gonna change that?
Because when you are married and talking about bringing a new life into this world it is a joint effort and having someone who is wiser and more experienced then you help facilitate heathy discussion and questions is a good idea
So your point is that you having another child yourself is it of the question in your view? Or is the point that you can't even discuss with him?
My point is that I want to go to couples counseling to make sure that we’re both on the same page before trying for a second child.
what keeps you from just talking to him?
and what is there to be on the same page about?
We do communicate but why not improve that communication especially before the added strain of a newborn? That's like asking why preventative care is important..
why try fix something that isn't broken? you can only make it worse.
Relationships take time, effort and maintenance and if you aren't willing to put effort into your relationship and look for ways to improve your self and relationship then you shouldn't be in one.
of course relationships take time and effort and you should try to progress as a couple. but why get professional help if there's not a problem?
The same reason go to a doctor for your yearly wellness check?
well cause you can die of cancer, even if it's not yet causing you symptoms. that doesn't appy to any psychogical issue tho.
i mean you wouldn't go to a doctor to get headache medication if you don't have a headache right?
You're missing the point...
what point am i missing?
is your personal therapist suggesting couple therapy?
or counseling
There is a difference between counseling and therapy... the two are not synonymous. You should look it up. That counseling is a good thing, and it doesn't mean there is something broken. Couples counseling helps with:
Improved Communication
Deeper Emotional Connection
Enhanced Love Life
Ability To Navigate Major Life Changes (like having a baby)
Divorce Prevention
Couples counseling is like preventative health care, if you take care of that relationship, and are constantly working on it to improve communication, intimacy, learning skills and tools to improve those things and how to work though the inevitable issues you will face later on, your relationship will better for it.
It's like preventative care, instead of waiting until something is wrong... Studies have shown that couples who go to couples counseling occasionally, are happier, have better sex lives, and are less likely to divorce then those who wait to go until there is something wrong.
i know they aren't the same. and on the topic of communication: if you can't convince me that you need it, your chances of convincing your husband are slimmer than that xD. cause i don't have an ego involved. he does. so i'm trying to make you see his side of the argument. if there's no problem, why pay a professional to fix it. try selling it to me better and you'll have a chance of convincing him.
because men think practically. i mean men die more often than women in parts cause they don't go to the doctor if there's not a problem with their body. convincing them to get caunseling when they don't see a problem is probably not possible.
so really is there something that's not running smooth? is there something that needs to be adressed. it's a cost question too after all. you're paying a professional. so really is that gonna be worth your time and money? try arguing that better by finding practical examples from your life, where you think that not getting this help will fail.
and then also consider that he probably sees a relationship with you as a success he (and you) worked for and by seeking professional help, you can't avoid making him feel like he failed too. and he will probably not agree that he failed.
Oh honey, I’m not trying to convince you I am touring to explain someone that should be common knowledge…
you didn't get my point. convincing me is way easier. because i'm not empotionally invested in your relationship. and you can't even convince me so i was only telling you that not cause you should care about my opinion but casue what you wanna do is gonna be way harder to sell to your husband.. all i see is you trying to fix a problem that don't exist. i'm not saying that counseling won't help prevent problems. and i'm not saying that it can't be beneficial. i'm saying that the act of trying to get your husband to do this preventative measure could damage your relationship and create issues where thee previously were not problems.
it's like breaking a pipe so you can call a plumber, cause a pipe may be broken at some point in the future anyway xD
so like just go and talk to your husband about things. and if you feel there's a problem, specify that problem and then be like "ok i think we need help with this specific problem". that's way easier to get your partner to agree with.
you know people have pride in successfully leading a relationship. and by wanting to get help without there being a problem, you hurt their pride in what they felt like they built. does that makes sense to you?
I did and he did agree, because he knows how beneficial counseling is
if that's so then what's the purpose of asking the question? who said you're an asshole? xD
No one... its a reddit thing
i don't understand why one would even consider negative opinions about shit that works perfectly well for you...
Lol I can see that
i was all the time assuming you were trying to get your man to do this with you. could have shortened this entire conversation a lot by just saying that xD
i think the fact that he agrees and goes there with you is actually a testament to how little you need it xD
Or you could have asked instead of making assumptions….
I never gave birth to a child. But I can see where you are coming from. I wouldn’t want to have to live with putting a woman through what you went through.
Tell hubby it is his turn to give birth!
A person's mental and physical health needs in check before another child is brought in this world. He may lose you due to complications.
Good luck.
Why is he opposed to surrogacy? It'll be your child, just grown in someone else
I also got married young (we were 18) and just had my 1st born at 20... I don't think your selfish at all... I personally would just explain things to him and if he still doesn't get it then know your the one who had the baby not him...
No I think having a female have baby for you than causing your body harm an a a babies life harm
Go... your mental health is not a Joke and it is not up for Debate... take care of yourself 1st... or you can't take care of your babies...
Not selfish at all. However, you will have to talk and communicate thoroughly throughout that process… you will need counseling so it’s a good idea
You seriously have to work through some mental issues before you have another child!
Yeah post traumatic stress is a bitch
Post Traumatic stress disorder shouldn't be treated with drugs in essence everyone has stress and should be treated differently.
I never said it should be…. No sure where that came from
Damn, I’m sorry to hear about the troubles you’ve been having and that you’ve had to endure. I hope your health is better.
I think you should research into why it's bad after giving birth. You should decide accordingly.
counseling or therapy should be mandatory as part of preventative health care.