Is he being controlling and manipulating?

[Liz95]

I am 26yrs old, i’ve been in a LDR with my boyfriend for 4.5 years now…About a week ago I mentioned to him that one of my favorite Dj’s would be performing in August…I simply commented that to him and he immediately told me not to go…I really want to go and see him perform, the idea was to go with my sister and one of my girl friends…he told me that if i choose to go, to consider myself single. I brought the whole situation up to his attention and told him I didn’t appreciate him acting that way…I expressed to him how i was feeling about it and i am not the type of person to cheat, I just really wanted to see the performance and have fun with my sister and friend but he continued to tell me that he was not going to be with someone who will follow that path, that he is happier by himself…mind you, i dont ever go out…

[maixmilo]

Is this the first time in the past 4.5 years he makes you feel like he's trying to control you? I just don't understand people who feel like they are entitled to make decisions like these for their partner. I mean they are allowed to share how they feel or what fears they might have, but they should never be able to have the final say.

A little backstory, I suffered from separation anxiety a couple years ago and my fiancee got the opportunity to go on a vacation with her cousin. She would be gone for a week. Now I was all over the place emotionally and my anxiety was sky high. But I realised me feeling this way was my problem and not hers. She should take this opportunity and have a great time. I dealt with being alone for a week and she came back all happy with amazing stories to tell.

What I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter what kind of problems he thinks there are or what anxieties he has, if you feel comfortable with going and it makes you happy, and to be surrounded by your sister and friends, go for it and have a great time. You shouldn't let his words or feeling have such an impact on your life that you'll be living the way he wants you to.

[Liz95]

There’s been other occasions in the past like, “oh don’t wear those panties” bur never, “oh you can't go to a “club” I tried reassuring but i shouldn't have to defend the person that i am just because things dont go his way…and i appreciate you sharing your story, it just sucks cause damn this is not what i had pictured

[maixmilo]

I just can't think of a single reason as to why I wouldn't be happy for my partner if their favourite DJ came to town and she wanted to go and see them. Like please go out and have a great time! Heck if I like them I'll go with you if you want and if I don't go alone or with someone else. It's all about trust and wanting the best for someone.

And if he's simply stating that he doesn't want you to go and that if you do you're single, then I'd really start thinking about how much love he actually has for you if he could breakup so easily. I mean ofcourse it's a manipulative thing to say, but these kinds of words shouldn't be used this way you know?

[Liz95]

And with the whole panty situation at first i thought, thats weird, but kinda makes sense, i didn't want him to feel some type of way so i stoped wearing a lot of the ones i already owned…i feel like i left the window open for more controlling to continue…

[maixmilo]

It usually starts with small things. One of my exes was really controlling, she was sweet and caring at first but then small changed happened. No you can't go there because I'm not feeling well. You were at the store longer than I expected what did you do? Manipulative people usually start with small subtle things. I was living together with that ex, so it was more extreme. I guess in this situation you could see it as a win that it's long distance. He really can't do anything about you going or not you know? And damn girl where the panties you want, like come on, that's just petty shit.

[Liz95]

I agree, it starts with the little things, i dont get how people are like that smh. It’s very petty, my father is not even like that with my mom, why should i have someone do that to me…im done with that, the whole “club thing” did it for me, im going with now my two sisters and two friends there's nothing wrong with that

[maixmilo]

Yes!! Go and have a great time, and don't forget your crown queen!👸🏼

I know decisions can be hard and feel heavy, but you should be proud ❤️

[Liz95]

Girlll thankyou soooo muchhh for all of your words you have no idea how much this means to me 😭🙏🏻

[maixmilo]

Hit me up anytime you feel like talking. Glad I could help you ❤️

[Liz95]

Thanks love i appreciate you sooo much 💕

[yucychan]

He hates DJs that much?
What's his problem?
What path is he talking about?
You are just going to a performance with your sis and friend. Does he expect you to stay at home all day? That you are only supposed to be going out to such events with him? Then tell him to f*** off.

[Liz95]

He claims i shouldn’t be going out to “clubs” if im wanting something serious with him (as in marriage)…it’s ridiculous and he actually broke up with me

[yucychan]

@Liz95
Good for you. You don't need such rubbish in your life.

[MrOracle]

I see both sides here. I fully understand your position, but let's be real - those shows are absolutely synonymous with drinking, drugs, and anonymous sex. As a DJ and a concert-goer (388 shows to date), DJ shows are the most extreme of all.

Millions of girls have stories about how they went to a show, got drunk or high, and then did crazy things that they usually regret doing. I understand why he would have some very strong feelings about that.

In the end, this is just one of a million reasons why LDRs don't work. If he could go with you, it would be fine, but when one partner goes out socializing when the other isn't present, that is always going to be a source of tension in a LDR. That's why, unless the couple is married and it's a job assignment or military deployment or something along those lines, you should NEVER get into or stay in a LDR. They just don't work.

[Liz95]

I get where you’re coming from

[DavidRaul]

he's so dumb and seriously have trust issues. Why couldn't he trust you when you have put your trust in him. This type of man doesn't deserve you who make a big deal about some thing. Just go watch your concert and have fun, just leave him be. Try finding a better man , who trusts you. he's going to be too controlling when you move in.

[Liz95]

At first I thought i was overreacting by getting upset but no, it is gonna get far worse…he’s not even here with me and its like this already?

[DavidRaul]

No actually you weren't overreacting. It was normal. I mean why would he not let you attend that concert. That means he doesn't trust you. Its gonna get worse beleive. I am sorry you water 4.5 years on this man

[DavidRaul]

*wasted

[Liz95]

This sucks

[DavidRaul]

Yeah i know. But you have to move on. Its better to judge people in the beginning before getting into a relationship. Take care

[Liz95]

🙏🏻Thankyou, likewise

[Koalamate]

You will hate him and yourself if you don't go.
Go if he's insecure and wants to breakup with you over that screw him. A long distance relationship for 4.5 years must be rough and honestly to long to be long distance in my opinion.
He said he's happier by himself.

[Liz95]

He broke up with me, it’s insane but it is what it is…I don’t think it’s hit me yet…a relationship like that is very hard…but when we would get together it was the best…idk

[Koalamate]

That's hard im sorry but I think you will be happier now once your over the heartbreak.

[litty]

Very controlling behavior. What he doesn't seem to realize is that you can always go and not tell him and there is not a damn thing he can do about it, so he should've just trusted you.

So now you need to think to yourself is the relationship worth keeping if you have to lie to him to enjoy things you like or do what he says at the expense of your own freedom. What choice is there?

[Liz95]

see and i rather be honest with him, and for being honest i get this? the relationship isn't worth keeping if he can't see and understand how he is being controlling even though he denies it

[Twalli]

Does he let you go out regarding other things? It doesn't matter if you don't. You need to realize that the DJ issue could be a lot bigger for him than for you. If he stops you from going out in a lot of areas, then it's controlling. Otherwise you have to realize that his views on what is too sever is different than your's.

[Liz95]

he doesn't want me going to the gym, he doesn't want me to wear certain undergarment even some clothing…yes he is controlling and the whole going out thing is crazy…he’s gotten into an ugly behavior when id go out years ago but stopped because of it…its been like three years since I've been out like that…im going with my sisters, i dont see anything wrong with that…i wanted to go see a performance now go look for a hookup

[Twalli]

So he's controlling and it's probably not really the DJ

[Liz95]

exactly, it was never the DJ thing, its just him being able to say what i can or can't do…i Love and respect him, but like i told him before we stopped talking was (my sister is getting married in September) “so if my sister decides she wants her bachelorette party at a club what am i gonna do, say i can't go cause you dont let me?” like wtf

[Straight2thepoint]

The f is ldr. Look this goes for everyone!.

"Break up the relationship if u don't the way it's going. Don't be stupid and argue when the fukn world is full of people, that may deal with ur ass"

[Liz95]

Long distance relationship

[Liz95]

Very straight to the point, i appreciate you

[Belgie]

He is being an insecure asshole. Call his bluff. You can do better.

[Liz95]

Very true

[Waldoe]

he is showing you his "true colors" he thinks that you "MUST Obey" at all times... is that the life you want?

[Liz95]

Of course not, that is not what i want for me…and as much as this hurts i blocked him from everything, i love him but i am not going to live like that either

[Waldoe]

I am happy that you have the strength to walk away, the Right man will come along and he will Love and Respect you, not want to Control you

[Liz95]

I appreciate you, and i truly hope 🙏🏻

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Break up with this idiot. Your relationship won't get any better going forward, in fact it's going to get worse.

[Liz95]

He basically broke up with me already…I feel like an idiot after giving this person so much of my time…simply because I didn’t “obey” him

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat the same mistake twice.

[Liz95]

You’re right 🙏🏻

[In_Trance]

What was it like when you were physically together?

[Liz95]

It was amazing, they were literally the best days of my life…. he always told me that he saw marriage with me and so did I…

[Liz95]

I genuinely believed that he was my soulmate

[Anonymous]

How far do you and him live from each other and how often do you get to see each other due to the distance?

[Liz95]

he lives in florida i stay in texas, and about twice a year sadly

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah because I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend since last year and she lives like a little over an hour away from me

[Liz95]

you're so lucky an hour is not bad at all, he’s almost 20h away

[Opinion Owner]

Ya but her work schedule makes it difficult for us to see each other often and she seems asexual

[Liz95]

awe hope it gets better between you both

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I'm hoping so, if things don't work out when it comes to sexual stuff then I've sometimes thought about going to an escort or sex worker

[Xtendable]

He’s definitely being controlling. Are you happy with him?

[Liz95]

When we were in good terms of course, but not when it gets to a point where he’s putting an ultimatum onto me…He’s very controlling and when i told him that he straight up said that he is not

[Xtendable]

Sounds like he considers you as a possession, which isn’t that healthy for a relationship. Everything will be on his terms, unless this is a behaviour disorder that arises now and then

[Liz95]

I honestly feel the same way…

[Xtendable]

And for him to give an ultimatum clearly indicates that he feels insecure in himself and possibly the relationship to try to leverage what control he thinks he has

[Xtendable]

Did you meet him in a similar environment?

[Liz95]

Oh i agree i believe he is very insecure…I mentioned to him about to weeks ago how I wanted to start going to the gym, and he got upset…he said i can go to the gym when we are finally together.

[Liz95]

We met through a mutual friend when he was visiting

[Liz95]

There’s a lot of things…like I couldnt wear a certain type of panty cause then he thinks im trying to impress someone? I dont ever go anywhere, just work and home…as if I have the need/want to meet anyone smh

[Xtendable]

He is so afraid of losing you! Does he want to lock you up until he becomes available? Its crazy to do that to someone

[Xtendable]

He seems a bit conservative too

[Liz95]

He always told me that I am the type of woman he’s always wanted…and tbh he has gotten into religion a lot…I dont mind it but i feel that he’s gotten much more worse since he started ( his mom is veryyyy religious)

[Liz95]

I’ve always felt that he was afraid of ever letting go…but then why did he…I don’t want to live a life where I can’t have a voice …and as crazy as it seems I dont want to imagine a future without him…but i dont want this version of him i refuse to live oppressed

[Xtendable]

I know you don’t want to imagine a future without him, but maybe allow yourself to imagine a future where you are free to wear what you feel is right, to go and listen to music just because you like the dj, to go to the gym because you’re investing in your long term health goals

[Iron_Man]

Have you ever met in person yet

[Liz95]

Yes we have

[Iron_Man]

Good then work it out

[Liz95]

I’ve tried…I love him so much but there’s been other things, and I believe that it will just get worse over time

[Iron_Man]

Keep trying go for it

[QuietRunner]

leave him

he's too controlling

[Liz95]

Hi is 😣