We all learn lessons from what we do. However, in relationships or breakups, you might learn your most valuable lesson in life… What was the biggest or best lesson you learned from your first (serious/real) relationship or breakup?
If you haven’t had a relationship or breakup, what was the biggest or best lesson you learned from others’ relationships/breakups? My answer: In my first real and serious relationship/breakup, I learned that I need to have boundaries and that I cannot fix people or a relationship that simply can’t be fixed. I struggled with saying “no” and always putting in too much effort for something or someone that didn't do the same. This lesson helped me navigate through my current relationship with ease.
What was the biggest or best lesson you learned from your first relationship/breakup?
I honestly don't really know if I truly regret ANY of my special relationships that I have had in the past. All have taught me something about myself. All have taught me important aspects of what I like and dislike in a person/situation, etc. If anything, maybe the biggest take away with the one that ended bitter (bittersweetly? !) was: Don't date someone that possessed a DEAL BREAKER for you.
EVERYONE has preferences. Whether that's not to date an alcoholic, a smoker, a single father/mother or person with kids, a gambler, etc etc. They are DEAL BREAKERS for a reason. HEED and heed them well, otherwise, it will be THEE REASON for your break up mainly, if not other things. But then again, LOVE (not to mention life), TESTS YOU AND YOUR LOVE in SO MANY WAYS! LOVE is for the mature. LOVE is for the committed and it takes TWO unfortunately to make things work, additionally.
It's really hard to say. Relationships are difficult usually because there's two people trying to mesh their past, present (and hopefully future) with you. And we all know we haven't been angels. Not by a long shot lol.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Several things I likely would not have without it. First one: My wife left and was viciously evil in every possible underhanded way imaginable. Even including accusing me of molesting our daughter and trying to get me arrested. Setting me up with situations that I completely refused to enter because my conscience would not allow, Stealing my checks out of the mail box, Coming back, taking my credit cards and buying random stuff for people till they where maxed out. Taking all the bill money and then having my utilities all turned off. Giving my phone number out to every site in the internet. And filling our daughters head with some just disgusting lies about me that should not even be mentioned around children. Yet I kept to my principles. Never retaliated. And through all the pain I stayed the course. I would love to send her a copy of my background checks that I constantly have to do for my job. My credit report well into the 800s. And photos of Our daughter and I together just makes her go nuclear. Point I learned. Stay your course and don't let peoples evil influence you, Conquer the evil with the good. For by doing so you heap fiery coals on their head.
Second thing I learned. We are too comparative. We fantasize and create an image of who is the ideal mate. Or adopt one from movies, books, magazines... Then instead of really looking at people and what might make them tick, we compare them to our fantasies. If they don't look just like it we dump and move on. Complaining about their "flaws". But the real horrible flaw is us. Perfectly wonderful people who have awesome traits we never even imagined are just outside our comfort zone are shoulder to shoulder with us and we are blinded by that fantasy image. My x looked at me like that. A woman I dated in another country did the same, And a 3rd I never met in person. All did that to me. And I realized how common it is.
I don't know if it's the biggest I don't know if it's the best all I know is that it's not worth it for me I seem to put myself in the position of trying to help somebody out and then the next thing you know one thing leads to another you having fun together and the next thing you know you're f****** and before you even start f****** you tell yourself don't do it because you know somewhere down the road it's just not going to work you're two different type of people but you don't listen you f*** her brains out and then you do it again and again and she's calling that love because you made her feel a certain way it's not love it's energy the two energies become one it's one of the most powerful most beautiful feelings in the world people mistake that as love so but anyway say what the f*** and you start dating even more and then one thing leads to another and she's living with you you know it's not going to last you know it should have never happened but you allowed it to and then somewhere down the road you're breaking up and she hates you she says you ruined her because you f***** her brains out and she's never going to be able to find another guy that can do that if you do not love somebody 100%, if you're not compatible with them 100%, if you do not think it's going to work 100%, do not be with that person because one way or the other you're going to get f***** LOL
My biggest learnings have been figuring out my red flags and raising my standards.
After my first two partners, I've learned: - Cis white straight men are off the menu, not enough similar life experuences. Fellow PoC and queers only from now on. - Ambition is a must-have. Unambitious partners won't be able to keep up with my life, and I'll end up out growing them. - Lazy bones need not apply. If they don't wake up before 8am daily, don't have the desire to be active, and don't put effort in to their lives, I don't have the time for them. - Have a career. Not just a job, but a field they enjoy and are interested in. They earn enough money to support themselves. I'm into a DINK situation, not being a sugar mommy. - Be passionate. Going to protests and holding strong opinions on topics and principles I share is a must. I refuse to date cowards, now. And I'm better at identifying them (but honestly, if they're queer or PoC, they're probably not gonna be cowards afraid to protest, so I'm pretty confident in point 1 filtering most of these out).
It's weird, because I laid out my life before they started dating me and both knew I was highly active and would be up and at life at 7am at the latest.
They expressed a lot of interest and desire in that, but then totally fucking dropped the ball on it.
It's insane how lazy they were, and how much I put up with it. Definitely not doing that again.
Very similar response. I bent over backwards for my former spouse. Treated him like he was a king and thought our relationship could fix his internal emotional problems. Catered to him. He certainly didn't cater to me!
I also thought I could fix ALL my problems, some of which were medical and required medication. A lot of denial going on. So, can't fix others and sometimes, not even yourself. Have to recognize WHEN you can't fix things and let them go.
If the person isn't willing to work on themselves and their issues, head to the door. Accept YOUR weaknesses and work them out.
Biggest lesson is probably that the word "love" doesn't mean the same for everyone. Everyone has a different love language that when neglected, could leave one feeling truly empty in the relationship. Someone could be pouring their heart out to their SO, and still their partner feel neglected simply because their love language isn't being fulfilled.
This helped me to realize quickly why certain relationships worked so well, and others were a dying cause, no matter how loving I thought I was towards my partner, and vice versa.
If you want to revitalize the flame between you and your SO, never forget what drew you two to each other in the first place. Return to that. Restore that. And, don’t be afraid to make the first move. If the flame between you two is dying, neither of you is going to FEEL like doing what needs to be done. You have to love unconditionally—show them love and care and affection when it’s difficult to do—not because you feel like it, but because you love them and you’re willing to love them through the pain. This is real love. And if they love you back, this will bring back the flame.
Some people aren’t right, some people can’t be helped, manipulation comes in many forms, and not everyone you date or get emotionally involved with will work out for you. My first 2 or 3 relationships were very toxic and honestly I might be traumatized by them and not fully realized it. I only say this because the first guy I dated was manipulative and tried to get me to do stuff I didn’t feel comfortable with, second guy same thing but he cheated as well and was just heartless towards the end of the relationship, third boyfriend was confused and uncertain about himself and me, never forced me to do anything but he wasn’t never confident.
After those three relationships I’m in my current one and honestly I believe that if those past relationships hold any trauma then it explains a lot with how I am with my boyfriend now (we’re good in person but over the phone I find it hard to trust him even though I know he won’t hurt me or anything).
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I never been in a relationship like that which is sad but true. I have had some romantic interests where I have learned a lot. I learned how to treat someone as well as how to be treated. That relationships have to flow. That things can't be one sided. That someone who loves you won't tell you to get better but help you to get better.
The list really goes on. Things are amazing when someone really does love you. Things are trash when they don't.
That never to use someone and never be used. That there are more to a relationship then sex. That is one of the reasons we miss our first crush, love, relationship, etc. Since it was innocent.
Have sex after marriage build a real bond first
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
Yo not become blinded by love and pay attention to how he’s treating me. My first relationship the guy was overloading me with love to the point where I didn’t see that he was talking to other women, flirting with them in front of me, behind my back, being secretive about things, manipulating, gaslighting, preferred social status rather than being with me. I was held by the hair and dragged across the floor (metaphorically speaking) many times by my exes. Im super cautious now with who I’m dating and who I’m going to start to “like”. So, don’t be blinded by “love” or else you’ll end up falling in a huge hole 🕳 and will have trouble trying to get yourself out of that huge hole of emotions. Don’t take any abuse.
When my girlfriend cheated on me back in the 80s I lost my ability to ever fully trust again. I put 100% of my energy into my career and went about my purpose. I have sat and cried thinking about this. No matter the situation. I lost my ability to trust and it never returned. I am around women all the time. I just don't get serious with them.
If she doesn't give enough of a damn to do the simplest things to uncomplicate her own life, and has nothing but excuses for being unreliable with keeping her word with you, it's because she cares too little about her own general welfare for you to matter to her either. She keeps you around because it's amusing. But she doesn't really care. And by the time she figures out that she should, it'll be too late. Don't waste tears on total losers.
The biggest lesson I learned was that unhappy/bored/unsatisfied people will say and do some top tier foul stuff in a heartbeat, all in the name of being happy. It turned out that I was the guy she was cheating on her fiance with; he and I found out about each other at the same time.
In case you've ever wondered if "he/she" is the kind of person who would do "that;" the answer is always yes, and you would be horrified by how little it takes to get them to act on it.
It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with a Narcissist. Don't view the other person with "rose-tinted" glasses.
As long as I was giving her something she had an interest in me. I viewed her through "rose-tinted" glasses and only saw the good. If there was bad, I would make excuses for her or even blame myself.
I do remember the pain and suffering I experienced, but I shoved it to the side. I won't do that again.
I say this to my partner as well, if you love and care about someone you dont treat them or talk to them this way, its heartbreaking. He tells me im wrong because i haven't had enough experience and that my standards are too high. Is he conditioning me to be okay with abuse?
I learned that when you know something is off, you better listen to it. I did, I even had dreams about her before it happened. I saw my ex cheat and what I was instructed to do in when would wake up from my dream, and what I would find. Also, at that time I was in a lot of pain because of her. She was a narcissist and I was a fool to not think of that. I was exposed to the truth about her. Which gave me the strength to end it.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I don’t even remember lol 😂
Maybe “To Not Give Out All My Cards”. To be more mysterious, more secretive. To not tell him my entire existence/ life when getting to know him. And allow him to SLOWLY keep exploring and finding out on his own.
Ufff... First thing: online relations are not for me. Second: I learned that I need sex—or a sexual relation. A sexless romantic relation is a straight up NO. Beside all I mentioned, I learned that an unsolved problem in a relation will be a growing problem; and a growing in this context may not be solved, due to important differences in values.
The biggest lesson I learned from other people's breakups is that no one is loyal. So you'd better make damn sure that the person you're with actually loves you -- and means it -- until you go "all in" with them.
Also, most people are only in it for themselves. And they are "fair-weather" lovers.
And don't take anyone seriously if they try to "assure" you of something. Because a lot of people make promises that they can't keep.
I have only had one boyfriend. He was very open-minded and my type (physically and mentally). I refused to have premarital sex with him. I have learned that if I want to marry my type of guy (handsome, sensual etc.) then I will have to lose my virginity before marriage. It is so hard for me to accept it. How many men will I have to sleep with before I find someone compatible? I am afraid of becoming a slut.
I just wouldn’t sleep with them till you feel ready. I waited a whole year before sleeping with my Ex girlfriend we ended up dating for 7 years but the relationship failed since she had a lot of mental health issues she won’t get help for. A lot of men won’t wait till they get married since a lot of women they have dated have proven it’s not worth waiting for. I waited for marriage a few times then got stabbed in the back cheated on or the girl slept with the very next guy.
I’d say it has taught me to be more selective of who I choose to date. Never to stay in romantic relationship with someone just because you don’t want to hurt them because if you develop feelings for someone else, it’s not fair to the both of us to stay together. It taught me to never date anyone again who has anger issues.
My last relation is the one I'm in but what I learned from my previous break ups. That we will be treated equally. Just because we don't agree on things doesn't mean it has to become an argument. Respect eachothers opinions in the right way. Never go to bed angry. I've been married for 7 years and only 2 arguments in the whole relationship
Well, I haven't broken up, so this is something that my first relationship that I am still in has taught me. A human who isn't biologically related to me can love me. I say human, because my dogs have always loved me, but it's easy to get a dog to love you
I learned never settle and have high standards go for the guys you actually want. don’t go for the low end guy... because you can still fail and what you don’t want so might as well go for what you do want.
I learned that putting more effort into a relationship than your partner doenst work, you can't compensate the others lack of effort. Learned that the hard way
Never force anything... Every relationship has difficulties but if always or most always you are marking an extra force... This is not your place... Get away... Move on
There wasn’t really a lesson to be learned from my first one.
I mean the relationship wasn’t bad we didn’t have any issues nor did we end on bad terms or anything. It just kinda fizzled out on her end.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
Something really terribly. I will share this anonymously. I was in a relationship where I got cheated on twice. After the second time, I became really insecure about myself and became toxic. I started becoming untrusting of her and would be doing toxic things like checking if she was really at work or if she was talking to other guys. The relationship failed and I learned to never get back with a cheater or be a second option the hard way.
Never be too nice, nor put anyone on the pedestal. Relationships are about leverage and unequal partnerships. The person who is more willing to walk away, holds the most power.
I learned that most people suck, on all levels. Men, women. Doesn't matter. Many people are just horrible beings. But don't give up. Many people are amazing too.
Never get married without a prenuptial agreement. If she refuses she is pretty much admitting that she wants the option to steal from me if we divorce.
I lost myself who loved and cared and prioritize all others... now i am bitch who don't care about anyone and yess now i first see if i am happy and at peace
Long time no see WhatTheHeckkkk. And my first lesson wasn’t a healthy one. I had to learn self respect because I let myself be used just because she was gorgeous.
Never get hurt in an bad accident. But glad it happened (not the accident) eventually found someone much much nicer and latter she because my wife. We are still very happy together.
I learnt fuck all because I made the same mistake again. But in theory I learnt that if you tell someone that something is bothering you and their reply isn't I'll sort it out, it's fine to leave.
That’s actions speak louder then words, that people do change , to always put yourself first, that love isn’t always enough to make something work , to put my mental health over anyone I’m dating , that in the end a promise means nothing.
first relationship: avoid drama queens. first serious relationship: avoid women bent on marriage based upon their biological clock, rather than your (collective) well-being.
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