Why do men put in all the effort in the beginning and then stop?

Question

Men be doing all kinds of sweet and thoughtful things when you are just at the beginning of dating but after a while they stop.
I end up being the one putting in effort, planning trips, dates etc. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the effort overtime.

My husband says “I’m just bad at it” and then asks for help to plan things and with ideas. He apologizes and seems like he wants to take me out too. He will even randomly say things like “I need to take you out to dinner” and then never will.

I want him to take the lead for once. I want to feel feminine and being the one making all the choices makes me feel kinda masculine if that makes sense. Not saying that women can’t make all the choices, but it’s nice when a man takes charge. For example, instead of getting in the car and asking me where I want to go and what I want to do all the time and making me decide on the fly (stresses me out) maybe pay attention to the things I like and then plan based off that. Like “we are going to the beach today put on a sundress” like we’ve been married for 4 years you should know what I like to do at this point. Brings me back to the saying “if he wanted to he would” But that just makes me feel worse honestly.
Maybe I’ll ask him what he would do if he took out a stranger on a date, what mental process would he go through to make that happen and then DO THAT for your wife.
I feel like I’m not asking for a lot. Just do what you did to make me fall in love otherwise I feel like I fell in love with a man who faked it all.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I agree - he's making a big mistake. It's a common mistake - I used to make it myself at one time.

He thinks he's going to make you happy by letting YOU choose - whatever you choose is going to make you happy, right?

WRONG!

I had to learn that what makes most women happy is not HAVING to make choices the vast majority of the time. Most women want the MAN to make those choices. Yes, he wants her input if she has an opinion, and yes, he'll consider her opinion, and, no, he isn't going to ALWAYS cater to her opinion (though often he will), but he still needs to be making the decisions.

Most men ARE NOT TAUGHT THIS - and in fact, we're taught to behave and believe exactly as he's doing now. We are given bad information, and then sent out into the world to fail, often by people with good but very naïve and misguided intentions.

What you need to do is: wait until his day off, and it's 2 hours before his sports ball is on, or an hour after his game is over, and you make him a sandwich and bring him a beer and you kiss him and you say "I've been frustrated by things for a while, but I've recently learned that it's not your fault - I had believed that you must already know something that you've clearly never been taught, and so my expectations were mis-calibrated, and I blamed you unfairly. I apologize for any distress I've caused you about this in the past."

Then, explain to him that it's FAR less important to you that you get to do every little thing you desire (because you've made the choices), and far MORE important to you that HE is taking the lead and making the decisions. Tell him that he should ask for your opinions about "big things" (and do so in advance) - such as vacations or your birthday - but that all other times - routine dates or meals out - he should just go ahead and make the decisions on his own, even if that means that sometimes you're going to eat HIS favorite food or do HIS preferred activity instead of yours (but sometimes, it goes the other way too), and in return, you will smile and be happy and appreciative and not complain no matter which way it goes that day. You'll dress as he tells you to, and you'll go where he takes you. And because he's taking the lead, he'll look so much more masculine in your eyes, that you'll automatically have a ton more respect for him, and that your panties will probably be a whole lot wetter when you're together.

Expect him to have trouble believing that you want this - it goes against the feminist ideology that he's been taught to believe, even if he has no idea where the ideas came from. Assure him that it's true. Explain to him WHY it's so important. Remove the wool from his eyes so that he can see.

You do that, and I can almost assure you that you're going to experience a VERY different man, and you'll BOTH be much happier together.

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

Unfortunately, both men and women tend to change their priorities from consideration for the other to focusing on personal priorities after a relationship is established. Though people often legitimize their actions by saying it is for the family, they are likely to just do what they would do if they weren't in a relationship. Guys might legitimize nurturing contacts and building their business, while women say "these are your kids also, so they will always come first."

Let's say a woman believes what she brings to a relationship is a spotless home. 24/7 she's running around cleaning the house. Her partner sits on the sofa and asks her to stop and spend some time with him. Her response is, "No, I need to give you a spotless home." She may convince herself this is for him, but it is really just for her.

It's easy to focus on others and complain, yet until we focus only on those things within our control, we'll never get where we want to go. We have the power to influence others with our actions, but demands will only make them more resistant. Though it's important to accept people as they are, rather than assume they'll change for us, no one is forcing us to stay in a situation that doesn't work for us.

sheikalana · Accepted Answer

If a men acts like that means he’s not the one for you. Players will do anything to get what they want and when they get it they simply loose interest because it’s not a challenge for them anymore. A man who’s truly interested and has the intention to keep you around and eventually make things official will stay consistent.

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

people just get comfortable once they settle.

Miristheiss · Answer

That is one of the keys for relationships to last and thrive long term.

BOTH parties should keep courting each other and romancing and dating each other.

Often BOTH parties will LAND their mate, WIN their mates heart and then stop. Goal achieved. No longer any need to put in the effort.

Many long term relationships that keep the passion going are those in which the two keep courting each other. They stay fit and in shape and dress nice and they keep going out on dates and have quality time doing new things together, they keep trying new things and have new experiences together.

Landing your mate and then coming home everyday and turning on the tv and watching tv until bed, gaining 50 pounds, never going out, never experiencing new things dressing like a bum and falling into a boring routine... that is how passion and excitement die.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Because it takes a huuuuuge amount of work to do all that stuff and we have our own lives to live. We're trying to impress and wooh the woman in the beginning, but we just get burnt out. You get to feel cared for, special, seen and heard; but we have to do all of our normal life stuff and now we also have to figure out how to make you happy.

You said it yourself; making those decisions stresses you out. It does the same thing for us.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

It's exhausting for men as well. Try planning everything and getting a lukewarm response or a woman who complains about where you go. In the end you just give up and let her decide to try and make her happy. My last girlfriend complained about every date, she "just wasn't feeling the vibe of the place". And then we'd go where she wanted. You see my point, guys get just as frustrated.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Because women set it up this way. You make guys jump through 100 different hoops to win your heart; and by the end of it all, they're just exhausted.

It's the same concept with jobs. If you make the candidate do a million different things just to get the position, then once you hire them they'll be worn out and they'll only want to do the bare minimum.

luvstoned4him · Answer

Not men alone but some women too. They get too comfortable. You gotta still "date" your partner even when you are married to keep the sparks alive. Go out on dates, give gifts, throw surprises, compliments... the works. Relationships require work.

KelleyNice · Answer

Because a new girl a guy hasn't had is better than an old girl that he has had. Otherwise, it is because of the "4 fs" as explained by guy in another GAG post--find 'em, feed 'em, f***, 'em, and forget 'em.

HighValue · Answer

It often comes from them wanting or asking to do an activity and then her saying that she doesn't want to. Over time those "no's" add up and the guy just stops trying.

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

The same reason you dress in your Sunday best, and present yourself as the ideal worker during a job interview, but when you get the job you drop down to a manageable level.

Wubs3000 · Answer

Women do it too its the person not the gender
Your husband just sounds like he doesn't want to make you do something you might not want to do, and he isn't super confident about it. Just literally show him your post and it would help

Anonymous · Answer

Because in the beginning of a relationship men put in all the effort and women just lay back and do nothing. After a while we get so exhausted from busting our asses 24/7 to make you happy that after a while we get tired of doing it and we don't care anymore.

Anonymous · Answer

Both sexes put in a lot of effort at the start and show their best sides. It's very difficult to maintain this as you settle into normal life.

Acted fake seems a bit strong. Chances are you acted differently and had more focus too.

melanieeeB · Answer

They wanna reach their goal and as soon as they do, bye...

Andres77 · Answer

This might offer some insight

BarryLiverstone · Answer

Because you are not requiring him to keep doing it.

monkeynutts · Answer

It's the pussy mountain, you climb it to the top. t the summit, you got to sit back and smoke a cigarette and down a beer.

Dnc_21 · Answer

Because they get fed up of women playing hard to get or simply not appreciating what they do...

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Perhaps because women turn into super bitches after the ring goes on.

VaasMontenegro · Answer

Big mistake by him, women never know what they want. I bet when he would take full charge and ignore what you "want" you would start complaining again😂😂 #CertifiedWomanMoment

Anonymous · Answer

Because we have to return to reality of working, bills, etc.

TheFlak38 · Answer

You're not putting any effort. That's why men stop. Stop bulshitting us.

Why do men put in all the effort in the beginning and then stop?

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Why do men put in all the effort in the beginning and then stop?

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