How to deal with a relationship where your SO isn’t affectionate or intimate?

[Juicyred921]

My boyfriend is a great guy. I love him to the moon and back, and I know he loves me very much. But he has always had issues with intimacy and being affectionate. He had a terrible childhood. He was never shown affection as a child. But I crave affection and intimacy. But he’s not that type of guy. He basically treats me like a friend. We have sex every once in a while. But no kissing other than a goodbye peck. Occasionally we’ll hug. Halfway cuddle every other day. And sex is only blow jobs and doggy style quick sex. And that’s it. Nothing else. I know he’s under a lot of stress right now. So it’s not a priority. And he did say he’s willing to French kiss me again one day. But how do I deal with this?

Updates

1 y

We’ve been engaged now for 6 months. When we got engaged. He needed my help. He was in a situation. And he says it made him realize what he had with me. And he was going to show me more love and affection. But like I said, that was 6 months ago. Nothing he changed. But he’s stressed and depressed. His medication doesn’t help. Should I wait till things get better?

[Finchie40]

I hate to say this but you should really reconsider this relationship, I know you say you love him but the thing is your wants and needs won’t be met and it’s just going to get worse , just because we love and care about someone it doesn’t mean you have to be with them , You can love and care about someone after you let them go , Just from what you are saying in your question , you are in a relationship with a selfish person , someone that only really cares about themselves , by you Accepting the way he is and ignoring your wants and needs is eventually going to catch up to you and you will eventually realize you are only hurting yourself , because it’s going to start feeling like a one sided relationship , I so want to write a book on this considering I been in this type of relationship before , to realize I was only hurting myself and being used as a convenience, being with someone that isn’t as affectionate as you and doesn’t want intimacy as much as you is the worst relationship to put yourself into. It always ends badly, because 1 partner is sacrificing more than the other. The partner that isn’t getting their wants and needs met becomes a walking punching bag because you won’t feel valued by your partner because they just like the convenience of you , you start to believe that things will get better and they will eventually see my love for them and they will change , the thing is they won’t change , they will start resenting you and start playing a victim and turn the tables around that you are in the wrong for wanting that intimacy and affection, when really they are the piece of shit, When someone truly values you they will fight to be by you , the fact that this guy isn’t French kissing you just shows he doesn’t value you , he has no real passion for you , you are just his convenience, and is taking advantage of you , I hate to say this but basically you are just a piece of ass to him , especially if he isn’t making love to you , putting you in doggy style position and having you blow him is not making love if he is doing that to you all the time , when a guy loves and values you he wants to get lost in your eyes and hold you on his arms , passionately kiss you and kiss every inch of your body , making sure you are getting off before he does , making you feel wanted and valued , once in awhile he might put you in kinky positions to spice things up but majority of the time he wants to make you feel valued and wanted , that’s how you know a guy is really into you

[Finchie40]

His excuses and blaming his past for the way he is is just a sign that he truly doesn’t value you , He cares about you but he doesn’t truly love you , I know this is a tough cookie to swallow because I been in this type of relationship before to end up getting my heart shit on , When you have to beg for intimacy and affection that is your answer to leave and move on , you should never have to beg someone to want to be affectionate and intimate with you , if they truly value you , then that isn’t an issue period. Ignoring your wants and needs is eventually going to make you resent them, Love only grows when 2 people remove selfishness for each other and make each other their number 1 priority , never settle for anything less , Or you will just be a convenience

[Juicyred921]

I talked to him about it. That I want more affection and intimacy. And he’s says we can work on it. But I do understand that the situation were in now is stressful and there’s so much going on. We’ve been through a crazy hard year. It’s left us both stressed out, anxiety up the roof and frankly kinda depressed. We went through more this year alone than most people go through in a decade. Right now, I know he’s in a funk. His mental state is not good. So once he gets better, we can start to work on us.

[Finchie40]

That’s the thing if he is suffering anxiety and depression getting that help is a long shot , my ex suffered the same and she went and got help but it just sugar coats it for a little until the meds stop working and then you are back to square one , being with someone that suffers anxiety and depression puts a toll on yourself , trust me on this , it slowly eats ya alive to the point you will need to be put on meds , so be careful and really think long and hard if you want to continue being with someone like that because they will eventually stab ya in the back and then you are even more devastated , my ex ended up having an affair with a con worker and I busted her , her excuse was she was going through depression and anxiety and she felt it was the right thing to do to release stress , I said well cheating on someone that gave you their heart relieves stress? I said good luck to you cuz I deserve better than that and filed for divorce , Best thing I ever did considering I was finally relieved from her depression and anxiety, because they always play the victim

[Andres77]

Takes two.

see a therapist. If he’s not willing to give you basic affection, that’s going to be issue eventually. I’m not asking for a reply but if he won’t french kiss you then the likelihood he gives you oral sex is like…ZERO. Are you going to have children with him? Are your kids going to grow up starved for affection too? There might be damage inside of him. I’m not saying he’s like this because he’s a jerk. I’m saying he’s like this because he’s broken. You love him. That’s awesome. Use that love to get him the help he needs to overcome his past and be a normal affectionate husband and father. Don’t use your love to enable your suffering and just expect your kids to suffer through it as well. I promise you, you will get tired of watching your kids disappointed when daddy doesn’t hug them. You will get tired of listening to your girlfriends talk about the hot sex they had over the weekend.

face the issue NOW! Get him help. He’s not ready for a relationship because he’s not capable of giving to the relationship what is necessary.

hard choices await, young lady. Don’t suffer needlessly when there is help available now.

I hope you find what you need.

[chrissykerdock]

well he's interested in blowjobs if i were you i'd fellate him often as possible... a girl can get used to giving only blowjobs i know i have at times in my life... love is love even if it's only blowjobs... don't be embarassed by that.

[Juicyred921]

I do give him blow jobs whenever he’s in the mood for it. He loves them and I always leave him twitching. Lol. But all we do is doggy style, blow jobs, a peck kiss goodbye, hugs every once in a while. He says he’s just not into making out. And his medication makes him not horny. He used to be a sex manic before he started his medicine. We used to do it almost everyday. But now I’m lucky to get any once a month.

[dustybiker]

That is going to take it’s toll. Especially if affection means a lot to you. Don’t waist either of your time if you don’t see getting past it. It’s not fair on either of you.

[Juicyred921]

It does mean a lot to me. I’ve honestly never had intimacy or affection before. My ex of 15 years was very cold to me. He’s was very abusive. So I always wish for what other people have. But maybe I’m just not meant to have it. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

[chrissykerdock]

nothing's wrong with you your just in a bad situation is all

[coachTanthony]

Sounds like you are settling and making excuses for him along the way. Take out all those excuses and most people would say you deserve better. So that's my recommendation. Take out those excuses and ask yourself if you deserve better? Deserve more? I would hope it's a yes. Or do you want a guy in your life you will always say..."oh he's great... but?"

[Juicyred921]

I’m not sure if I do deserve more. This relationship is better than my last. My ex was very cold. Zero intimacy, zero affection, abusive and mean. He made me feel worthless. To the point where I was either going to try to leave him or just kill myself.

[hahahmm]

Ikr. Exactly.

[coachTanthony]

@Juicyred921 Drop that loser and go get therapy.

[Crafteroon]

Talk with him. Tell him what you want. Tell him you understand his situation, but also wish for things to change. Don't make it an ultimatum, don't give a time limit, but tell you want him to put effort to it.

Depending on his answer you might see an improvement, but he might also decline. At that point you can either admit that you are fine with how things are, or cut ties completely. Also think how things are now, and how they might be a decade later. If things don't change, will you be alright 10 years from now?

[DannyUk2017]

"Show him", Talk to him about it... None of us born "with the gift" of "Loving a woman", i was in Orphanage, i never knew how to hadle a woman/relationship, but i had learned, slowly, soon i had discovered that "letting a woman to play in bed", letting her to guide me, through what she's in to, letting me to show/do things (fetishes) that she likes, could end up to even orgasm/climax even before having intercourse... For some reason that gave me some spiritual/emotional satisfaction/pleasure, since then i always Tend to a Woman's first needs, then i will have mine, makes life/sex more 🌶🌶🌶, and intriguing at the same time, plus i always throw some fetish/kinky bits and bobs, from time to time...😉

[Keepitreal007]

Oh man. That sucks. So I’m in a similar situation with my wife of 26 years. We don’t have sex that much, probably more than you (once a week or two) and she rarely does oral so you’re awesome for doing that. But here’s the thing, it won’t change. I thought my wife would change and she never has. You can’t change someone. You can only change yourself. So unless your willing to change and not need those things you’re in for a long and hard marriage. You may love him which is great but if he loved you he’d let you go knowing he can’t give you want you need. It will be hard but overall you will be happier finding someone who can give you that. Good luck.

[hahahmm]

I bet he thinks similar about you... "She never helps me move 250+ pound appliances. She hardly repairs plumbing, electrical... let's not even talk about cars. I can barely get her to hand me a tool from the toolbox & even when she does it's always the wrong tool."

Anyhow, if you don't like it then leave. It's not like you're engaged or married. It's not like he felt it's worth giving you a ring and/or you didn't think it was worth asking for one.

[Juicyred921]

We are engaged. I take very good care of him and I do help him fix his truck. I do whatever he needs me to do to help him.

[hahahmm]

I think you're lying because no woman on earth calls her fiance her 'boyfriend'. Nice try tho.

[Juicyred921]

Lying about what? We are engaged. We both posted it on our Facebook. We agreed to get married next summer but he says he still wants to properly propose with a romantic gesture. I’m just still not used to calling him my fiancé. It’s a weird word.

[hahahmm]

1. You never said you were engaged in your original post. You're the first woman in human history who called a fiance her boyfriend. 2. It's not a prize for a dude who NEEDS YOUR HELP to ask you to marry him. That goes against eons of human history too.

[Juicyred921]

So your saying I’m just being used?

[hahahmm]

I'm saying 1.) every woman who says she has a boyfriend & later says she meant her fiance is suspect. It's been shown lots of times that these women are spinning a story. Like they have some reason to pretend to be engaged when they're not. But for the sake of argument let's say you're telling the truth... then that means you got picked by a guy who needs you to rescue him. Ask yourself why you are drawn to guys like that & what makes you feel like he'd be a good husband. I'll tell you.. because you don't think you can do better. And also because better guys aren't offering you a ring. I'm not saying you can't change. Just saying this is what it means.

[hahahmm]

And yeah, he's looking to use you. Maybe because he's a con artist or maybe he's just a sad loser who feels desperate & needy.

[Smoothing]

Unfortunately in such situations, you have to be prepared to initiate while at the same time being gentle with him. It seems you understand him which is a good thing. If you really like him, you have to let him grow on you. At some point, he will begin to catch up and be more intimate with you. It will happen but at this stage, hug him more, cuddle him more and when ever you get the chance, snog him. He will give in eventually. You clearly have already broken through some barriers as well.

[Smoothing]

You also look old enough to know what you want. You wouldn't have been engaged to this guy unless you felt he was worthy. Don't let anything cast doubt in your mind now. You recognise a problem, you find a solution and act on the solution. Also if it is possible you may suggest he gets some therapy for his intimacy problems.

[Juicyred921]

I have suggested therapy. He’s considering it

[Smoothing]

That is also a good thing. I wanted to suggest that before but I was cautious. Just in case it he took itvthecetong way and it fires back in your face. Also, I don't know how severe his issues are. Some times the issue is so mild that you can help him get over it yourself. But you would have to be prepared for the fact that he may be get attached to you more than any body in his life. Which can be a good thing as long as it is a healthy attachment.

[Juicyred921]

I know he’s already attached in some way. He tells me he gets anxiety when I’m not around. Not in an untrustworthy way just misses me a lot. But I think his lack of intimacy comes from childhood abuse. He lost his parents at an early age. Then was adopted by a sister he never knew who physically and mentally abused him.

[FilmGuy93]

Voice my displeasure, and if things don't change, move on. I'm not a fan of Rollo Tomassi, but he made a great comment one time that a woman needs to be a compliment in a man's life, and I firmly believe that's true. A woman needs to be a compliment to my lifestyle, and that includes providing each other with the physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment that we need.

[Staximus]

Get rid of him. There's something wrong with a guy that won't have sex any other way than doggy style with a woman. Why would he not want to see your face and kiss you while having sex? You deserve real love. If he's never had sex with you face to face and never ate your pussy, I'm betting he's a homo. Go find a real man.

[Juicyred921]

He says he’s never been into kissing.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't count on him changing. It maybe he'll eventually melt into your arms as he learns more about himself and relaxes. But my guess is if he's not all over you now, I doubt he'll change.

Which means you'll need to live with it and that is not easy. Your children will be a distraction so maybe you won't care for a while. But eventually, you'll need to face it.

[20yearsolder]

Tell him exactly what you need, you need to talk about this. You need to tell him that you love him very much but you need to be touched and held and kissed and hugged. To make love not quickie sex.

[20yearsolder]

Wait for what? You're making excuses for him. Unless you want to live the rest of your life without being shown affection, you probably should move on. I understand you love the dude but you also got to Get what you want and need

[Juicyred921]

I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. He’s perfect in every other way. And I felt with a 15 year marriage before that was worse. He also wasn’t intimate or affectionate. But he was also abusive. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just can’t get those things. Maybe it’s cause of the way I look.

[20yearsolder]

What do you assuming is yourself? Well it definitely is you because you're picking the wrong guys. Has nothing to do with your appearance. He already told you that he was raised in abusive family. Basically he doesn't know what affection is. It's not something he's comfortable with. Maybe over time that will happen but you have to make the decision whether you want to be with this man for the rest of your life. Knowing that the affection is probably not going to happen nor will the intimacy that you desire

[Juicyred921]

I do want to be with him. I just hope over time that being in a healthy relationship he will get more comfortable. If not it’s ok. I’ve lived without it before. I’ve actually never had it before.

[20yearsolder]

And that's what bothers me, you've never had it before and you're willing to stick with someone that may never give it to you. That's sad to me

[Juicyred921]

Maybe I’m just one of those people that don’t get things like that.

[LazerBean]

You dont. You find someone who isn't broken. If he won't fix himself, or even try, or recognize that he even has a problem, then you certainly can't fix him either.

[ArrowheadSW]

I would suggest professional counseling. This is something to where you feel depraved of the intimacy so it is something that will continue with you if nothing is done and you continue with the relationship.

[LiamSawyer]

That's a hard question to answer as you deserve intimacy and satisfyingvsex as well as good comforting cuddling I love all thse things and really don't know what to say. Perhaps he needs to speak to a professional.

[maximumpower]

You stated it's not a priority, then insinuate that it is.
If you need more affection, let him know.
If you're not getting enough and you're plainly not going to get it from him, then your relationship needs work.

[AngelOfLight258]

Just initiate affection more often and if he's hesitant tell him I need more out of this relationship.

[es20490446e]

Just give him 9 seconds hugs, till he realizes they feel good.

[Juicyred921]

We do hug every once in a while. Nice long ones.

[Monica1984_]

Maybe he need to see a therapist or take time off. If he doesn’t you’s might have goes separate ways.

[ElementoP]

Awe poor thing. You got yourself a real keeper there 😉

[Creampieanalguy]

My girlfriend is the same, she has been mad in to intimacy with previous partners but not with me. Does she just not want me or is it that she feels settled and doesn’t feel she needs to make the effort?

[Zygum]

Don't be so proud, when he will get other girl, and fed up from one taste, he will kick you and have new taste of new girl

[Juicyred921]

Proud?