Is it ok to turn old-fashioned and withhold sex after 2 failed relationships going nowhere?

[Anonymous]

I'm currently dating my 3rd boyfriend for nearly 7 months now. Nope, we haven't had sex yet (no sex until marriage) and we're not living together. I'm 26 and already made it clear my goal towards having a family before age 30, that I'm dating with intention.

I tried the so called modern dating, moving in together and seeing how it goes. It failed. Both men ended up getting too comfortable, giving excuses for not progressing things and kept saying ''one day''. Then one of them kept focusing on the sex part too much and we stopped doing on dates, spending actually quality time and it seemed going nowhere. I think old-fashioned dating had its purpose. Things were made for a reason; so the girl doesn't waste time and isn't still dating (and childless) at ages 30+.

After wasting my time, failing twice and realizing I don't have all the time in the world to date forever, is it ok to have changed the strategy to old-fashion dating?

[Anonymous]

You’ve been dating for 7 months, you have already withheld sex so far, and obviously you are not living together, because what guy would put up with ALL of the “downsides” of living with someone in a committed relationship, without the upside benefits of sex?
Look, you need to live ur life in the way that makes YOU most happy, but if what you are doing NOW is not considered “old fashioned” what IS old fashioned? Moving to Amish country and buying a horse & buggy? You have found a guy who loves you enough to wait 7months for sex, knowing that he isn’t getting any until the wedding night, and you are asking strangers if you should treat this saint of a man even worse by playing games to “get him” to marry you! Maybe talk to him, have a conversation and see if his goals even line up with yours.
Also, if the “old fashioned” way was designed, created, or just happened that way “so the girl doesn't waste time and isn't still dating (and childless) at ages 30+.” And if it worked… how come you are rocketing towards 30 and still have no fiancée? Most married couples wait 5yrs before having children, so they can have time to just be a couple together and get to really bond as husband & wife, as well as get ready financially to prepare for the struggles of the financial strain children put on a marriage! So you are WAY past your target date of kids B4 30+. Good luck, but I highly doubt that playing emotional and physical head-games with this guy will speed up his asking you to marry him!

[LazerBean]

That's how I dated and honestly it made things so efficient and simple.

[Asker]

yeah now I think old-fashion values had a reason, had a purpose. Then people started changing to modern dating and it's not working out.

[MrOracle]

It's fine... as long as you are a traditional woman in all of the other ways too. You don't get to decide to be "modern" when it benefits you and "traditional" when that benefits you - at least, most men wouldn't be having that. I certainly wouldn't.

I applaud you for taking your relationships seriously, and for focusing on a marriage and family at the optimal time, rather than waiting until you are 30+ to even start (which is way too late). I think doing this is going to vastly increase your chance of having a good marriage and a good life.

I just get REALLY tired of women wanting all of the benefits of being traditional and of being modern, while avoid the responsibilities of both - and I'm not saying you're doing that, because I have no possible way to know what you are doing - I'm just saying that if you want your relationship to last, you need to pick a lane and stay in it, and accept the responsibilities that come with whichever choice you make.

[Asker]

Honestly I wanted my first relationship to be a successful; for it to lead to marriage and have kids with him. I really thought I would repeat my parents' stories (they were each other's first, they had sex but he still proposed and married her), that beautiful one of a kind tale. It didn't happen.
Then after the 2nd relationship failed too, I changed my strategy with my 3rd boyfriend.

[MrOracle]

I believe you. Unfortunately, you were taught feminist ideas even if you don't realize it - those ideas are everywhere and are the standard "rule" today. But those ideas don't work in the real world, as you discovered. As I said, I suspect you're going to have far more success with your more traditional model - but it means finding a traditional man and you being a traditional woman. Your feminist brainwashing (that we ALL have had) has to be recognized and overruled when we get tempted to run back to it when something doesn't go perfectly.

[Sixgunsound]

Old fashioned practices stand the test of time for a reason. Your grandmothers were a lot smarter than most people today give them credit for.

[Asker]

yeah all this living together seems like all it did is made it easier for unlimited sex and pointless relationships heading nowhere after 2 years. It changes nothing and there is no progress. It's a dead-end and he always has one foot out the door... he's the one benefiting from it. I'm not.

[20yearsolder]

I didn't read the second two paragraphs, it's okay to do whatever you want sexually, if that's waiting until you're married, as long as your man agrees to those stipulations it's perfectly fine. Are you blaming the other two failed relationships because of sex? Sex was so bad that you had to end them?

[Asker]

I think sex had something to with my 2 failed relationship and then doing the modern ''living together'' thing. They got too comfortable. They would've kept me as a ''forever live-in, childless girlfriend'' if I didn't snap out of it and got out.

[HighValue]

Getting married BEFORE living together is a big mistake in my opinion. You don't really know someone until you live with them, even if you date them for years.

3 relationships in 7 months? So what, you expected to get married within a couple months of dating? That is way too soon for anyone that thinks long term and doesn't just make quick decisions that they will likely regret in life.

I am betting that the first two guys were probably the type that did hook ups/casual sex in their past and that is why you had sex with them early, but the other guy wasn't into casual sex so you make RULES for him only. That is how it usually goes when the woman really doesn't want someone and in her mind she is "settling" for him and is disappointed to have him.

[ElementoP]

Bam!! You hit the nail on the head brother. Nuff said on this matter

[Asker]

I don't want to continue dating forever nor do the ''lets see who this works''. I want a husband and kids, not a boyfriend. All cohabitation did wasted my time into dead-ends. It's a way to prolong a relationship (to continue being childless.. that's against my fertile years) and to delay forming a family.

[WindAtMyBack]

It's OK, but...

Waiting until marriage for religious or personal reasons is one thing. Doing it as a "strategy" is something different. As a strategy, do you really know whether this strategy will work better than the other way? Not having sex can still fail. Having sex can still succeed.

Not having sex will filter out guys who ONLY want sex. It will also filter out guys who want sex, but DON'T ONLY want sex. There is a huge difference between the two. There are a heck of a lot more guys who DON'T ONLY want sex than there are guys who ONLY want sex.

I totally understand your strategy and why you are doing it. And yes it's OK. But is it the best strategy?

Also, the average age of having a first child is increasing. In many countries the average is over 30. There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting at an older age, especially if that increases your chance of finding the right person.

[Asker]

But I've been wanting a family for a while now. I feel ready for a child.

[WindAtMyBack]

I understand that. But you also need to good man for yourself and a good father for that child. Part of motherhood is giving the child a good father.

You still have plenty of time.

[Kicks98]

Always follow your instincts... If u feel you are right no problem... Believe me there are a thousand men out there that you can find someone who is looking for the same as u.

I rejected myself to don't be honest about what I want... I decided to have a friend with benefits and guess what... Today I'm with a broken heart and feel bad to share my sexuality with someone who doesn't take care of me at all

So... It's better find someone who is really interested on you and better that you can share with him personal projects and more.

Good luck :)

[Asker]

I want to believe that the 3rd time would be a won. I can't afford to waste time on nothing. If after 7 months without sex the relationship is still good, he's always available on the weekends (nothing has changed) and we get along with our parents then it's heading to a good direction.

[Anno2]

"Then one of them kept focusing on the sex part too much and we stopped doing on dates, spending actually quality time"

So u want to marry a guy hoping he doesn't do the same thing because u already married him? No wonder divorce rates are high.

[Asker]

I don't mind having sex often once married. I already had commitment by then so it makes sense. What's not ok is worthless hopes, promises and lots of sex and years later still no commitment.

[Asker]

Both of those men started acting more like a friend/roommate with benefits than an actually serious boyfriend that wants commitment and form a family.

[spartan55]

Sure, if you think that will produce the results you want. Keep in mind you can 'date with intention' all you want, but that doesn't make the likelihood of meeting your goal any greater. I notice all the issues were from your boyfriend's... did you need to improve anything?

[maximumpower]

Longevity of a relationship does not depend upon whether someone puts out.
Withholding sex (using it as a weapon) doesn't work.
If it's that important, guys who get fed up with the carrot-on-a-stick approach will just go elsewhere.
If its not important, they won't.
Think of it as a conversation - would you rather be in one where you're looking at the clock or one where you're so engaged that the time flies?

[Asker]

The point is I don't want to end up being a 30 year-old childless, single woman or another single mother either.

[maximumpower]

Nothing wrong with being childless until 40.
Don't let your biological clock override your common sense.

[Asker]

But I actually do want kids and why not soon while I'm still fertile? By 40, it'll be too late for me and even if I get pregnant by then, there is a chance it won't be a healthy child either.

[Asker]

I'm taking my role seriously by now before it's too late.

[Shamalien]

You can’t make a guy wait till marriage after giving it up early in other relationships. Does he know your history? I would wait for a virgin, otherwise, forget it. I mean a few months I’ll happily wait, in fact I’ll even make the girl wait 3 months, bur 7?

ladies, if you expect a man to wait till marriage, be a virgin, then you’ll actually deserve that

[Asker]

No he doesn't know and hasn't asked. He doesn't want to know the past, just the present.

[Asker]

I want to form a family. What's so wrong about that desire. I wanted that with my first relationship but it failed. So your suggestion is continue doing what failed for me and endlessly dating and dating, boyfriend after boyfriend and no husband?

[Shamalien]

I don’t believe in putting out fast, I think that was your issue. He’s waited 7 months though so he’s clearly respecting you, how fast did you put out in your other relationships? And if he doesn’t care about your past…what? Are you sure? If he’s serious he will care about that

[Asker]

With my first, I lost my virginity after 5 months and with my 2nd boyfriend after 3 months.

[Shamalien]

Well you’ve always waited an appropriate amount of time then…so after 7 months with this guy, you probably know whether he is worth it or not right? Like he’s waited 7 months that shows he’s not in it for sex

[Anonymous]

It's true, the old saying that women are the gatekeepers to sex and men are the gatekeepers to relationships/marriage. These days men are taking their gatekeeper responsibilities much more seriously than women are, and women like you just get left behind.

[Asker]

Well I was younger on my 1st relationship (19 years old) and really hoped for the best. I thought things would worked out just like it did with my parents. They were each others' first, they had premarital sex but still married her. In their case, sex had no affect.
So I really thought I could repeat their story, be in a relationship, have sex and it growing towards commitment. Nope, it didn't work.

[Asker]

So it can be confusing. My mother already gave him sex before marriage but they still got married 2 years later. So why did my father opened his gate even after getting sex? Was there more to it or just a different time?

[Anonymous]

Old fashion dating was the best model by far. It did have a very important purpose. It wasn't perfect, because nothing is, but it was far better than what we have today.

Unfortunately, that train has left the station and I doubt it will ever return. Women have put themselves in a very difficult position indeed. They have made sex too cheap and marriage too expensive (for men), and western society as a whole has been irreparably damaged as a result on so many levels.

[Asker]

Indeed. I regret even wasting my time in taking a women's studies course in college and following my friends' ideas about modern dating. One of my friends (we were 19 years old at the time) actually told me herself ''we're now equal to men''. No we're not when it comes to having a limited time to form a family and have healthy kids. All this modern and freedom for nothing, worthless teachings. If I had continued listening to all that and proceeded with the modern dating, I would've been another single (with or without kids), 30+ year-old woman.

[Asker]

What I've noticed is modern dating all it did is made it easier for more men to have a friends/roommate with benefits relationship without even telling the girl that... meanwhile the girl thinks she's a girlfriend just because it's his ''girlfriend'' by title.

[blissinanarchy1]

If you had sex with men before me, I’m mot waiting until marriage to have sex with you. I got self respect. If you ain’t giving me the loving, someone will.

[Asker]

No problem. You can walk out the door if you're looking for sex and a temporarily relationship that'll lead to a break-up later on.

[blissinanarchy1]

So why would you decide now to wait until marriage if you had sex with other men? It’s not fair to him

[Asker]

I actually wanted marriage and kids with my 1st boyfriend (the one I lost it to) and he lied about wanting the same thing. I've been strung along so after failing yet again with my next boyfriend (doing the cohabitation thing), logic tells me I need to change my strategy.
I don't want to end up a 30 year-old childless woman dating forever nor a single mother.

[Asker]

I really thought my first relationship would be a success because of my parents' successful story. They were each others' first, had premarital sex but he still proposed and married her. I wanted to repeat their story but it failed.

[JustADudePlayinADude]

It is your choice on how you date. Just be aware that it is the guy's choice on how they date as well. If your ideas mesh well, then great. But if they don't, and a compromise can't be met, then don't be surprised if it doesn't work out.

[FilmGuy93]

You can make whatever choice you want to make; that's perfectly fine.

[Keepitreal007]

Building a relationship outside of sex is always a better foundation. You’ll be better for it. Keep strong.

[Subarugirl]

Absolutely, it is your body and it is your choice. You aren't withholding sex you are choosing not to have sex, no one is entitled to your body.

[mr4435669]

Nope

[Subarugirl]

@mr4435669 what?

[Asker]

Yes indeed. Too many men get too comfortable with sex and living together; they promise you everything and supposedly claim to give you everything... but don't give you the most important thing; commitment and kids.

[AmeerX]

I think you are on the right track. I did say I look for a girl like that too

[Anonymous]

No. This is the way slot of women learn.

[Asker]

What the hell? So is only being in 2 long-term relationships that failed a sloot to you?

[Asker]

For your information I didn't sleep around. I had hope either my 1st relationship or 2nd would progress further. It failed. So I'm changing strategy. I'm not doing cohabitation anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

Lol typo that was supposed to read "lots".
No. But you're a woman. Regardless of how logical you MAY be. You tend to be won over by guys that touch you emotionally in the right way. Guys with ANY real experience KNOW that you just need to tell her what she wants to hear and you're in. Sure at some point she may wise up and realize you're not serious. But typically you've already slept with her by then.
This is why I said this is lots of women learn. Some learn fast. Some learn slow. Some... never learn. And they just grow old and bitter.

[Asker]

oh ok. Yes I had enough of ''promising a future thing'' and living together with a boyfriend. I'm no one's ''love of my life or beautiful wife'' without any ring and a date set for the wedding.
So with this 3rd guy, I set the rules this time and it's no sex till marriage. Since many men go for what benefit them the most (sex and no marriage), I'm going for what benefits me the most; marriage first then sex lol.

[Opinion Owner]

I think that's a good way to be. I wish ALL women would do that. It's the women that DON'T that make it hard on every woman. Guys do this s*** because they can and most women today make it easy for them. Sex should be the LAST thing a guy learns about you. I wish you luck in your endeavor.

[Asker]

Thank you. The irony is it was a different case with my mother. She and my father were each other's first. They had sex during their relationship but he still followed through with his words, promised and they got married two years later. That had me puzzled for the longest. If supposedly there is some truth to the ''why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'' how did my father still married her?

[Asker]

Was my mom lucky there?

[Opinion Owner]

OK maybe I sent the wrong message with my post.
A good man, a man of character will ALWAYS be a man of character. But making a guy wait basically gives it time for the predators to show thier true colors. It hopefully separates the wheat from the chaff.
You think as a guy I,(we) don't go through this with women? I go really slow with women. Because like you, I want to know they're the real deal. And it has cost me MANY relationships. Apparently your parents just chose well right off the bat.

[Opinion Owner]

This is NOT full proof. You still have to vett the guy. A slimeball with smooth words can still date you and wait, wait to sleep with you. Promise to wait till marriage. All the while he's cheating on you with someone else. Maybe multiple someone else's on the side.
Basically what I'm saying is you have to turn off your heart and use your head mostly. Which I know is counter to our instincts (especially women). But oxytocin (the love hormone your body secretes) lies to you! It makes you feel things that are not logical. We don't use our heads when we're in love. All the more reason to be distrustful.

[mr4435669]

Delicious.