Is she testing me and how do I pass?

[Anonymous]

There's a girl from work who for a year we've been openly flirting and kissing eachother but not much more. But one day in her car things were perfect and i think we both realised that we liked eachother. Things were a bit awkward for a bit and she became a bit distant but we reconcilled and admitted our feelings and began to date. Neither of us were looking for a relationship and her last 2 treated her awful.

Things were going well, she told her mam about me, she told me her dad would like me, we began hanging out a lot and becoming very personal with eachother and it was genuinely the best dating experience i've ever had, she really cared. She began to become stressed at work and i'll be honest, the relationship was so good that i became an overthinker and scared. I thought her being distant was her losing interest even though it was just stress, i began trying too hard and suffocating her to where she said i was irritating. Things were a bit washy and i was upset because i felt like i was trying and she called me whiney. She made a few attempts to slowly open back to me but i was far too eager and she shut down again each time and said i never let her get a word in. She would roll her eyes and get annoyed with me all the time (completely fair) and then told her friend she's over me.

Since then i began to act like i did before hand, make brief comments but left her alone and done my own thing. She has started to talk to me again, laugh at my jokes, look at me when i'm in the room and stand close to me and we even started texting again. I feel like she is giving me another chance to prove my emotions were a once off and not the norm, but now i'm stuck overthinking again. I asked if she wanted to hang out and she made up an excuse not to and i realised i've asked too early. Her giving me another chance to me shows she really cares but i don't know how to pass these tests. I feel like if i go distant it will end and if i try i'll be too much. WHAT DO I DO?

[quaranta]

She gave you the strategy already. She clearly responded to when you were doing wrong, and when right. So yeah, the strategy is to stay back and go distant, exactly. It won't easily end if she is actually giving you another chance, rather, it will end if you get clingy again instead. Plus you're at the jobplace so you'll keep seeing her, you won't disappear from her sight. You should really absolutely stay distant and play hard to get. This is the only thing that will perhaps raise your value again to her eyes, as if you're someone who can move on, can keep his stuff together, can mind his life with valuable things enough to not depend on her existence, and easily/quickly. This is what you have to demonstrate. Be busy, elsewhere, mostly unavailable, but never revengeful, always chill and smiling, accessible sometimes.
You have a rare opportunity here, I think she is concretely giving you another chance because if she reached the point to tell you straight you're irritating her and whiney, well that means you were really really bad and usually these things remain marked there, you never get "forgiven" after behaving like that usually, but she opened the door again anyway, so play this chance very well.
The problem though, is that now she knows how you potentially are, in negative, and will spot traces of that easily, like she did recently when refusing your request to hang out. If you requested that the first time, she wouldn't have a problem, but now she "knows" what's potentially behind and she doesn't want that side of yours anymore. So you have to work double hard to completely, completely and without a single mistake, hide your insecurities. It will be very difficult to do because it goes against your nature but that's the way.
So far if you've been whiney and clingy it probably means you're used to face conflicts and discomforts by using victimism or anyway trying to make the other person feel guilty, and this is an extreme turn off for anyone on the planet, you should really change this style for the good course of any relationship in the future, there are other ways to communicate problems and even insecurities, other than working on them by yourself.

[Asker]

Last night she was texting me still and for the first time in weeks stayed awake until 3am to text me and was replying within minutes. Because she hasn't done it in so long I wondered if she was texting snother guy and I was just filling the time. However this morning I noticed we are best friends on snapchat so she's definitely not texting another guy (her friends already told me she wasn't) and she seemed to enjoy my flirty indications but didn't take part in reciprocating. I made one comment that I felt she took as needy or such when I was being sarcastic instead and she backed off. So I think you're definitely right. How will I know though when the time is right to ask her to hang out again?

[quaranta]

I'd say let her ask you to hang out instead, or to give you really really obvious hints she wants (like mentioning things you could do when you'll hang out, mentioning an event she wants to go but there is nobody going with her, etc). The more you play hard to get, the more she will put her effort instead.
I told you, as soon as you make a mistake, she notices instantly now, because she learnt. You have to play it completely without any indulging, any time you feel too good with her, shut down and trust that investing in longer reply times, shorter answers, unavailability, will make her closer soon. Try some times to get convinced of that, so that when you get the results you start associating it to an actually working technique. It takes to put a lot of trust in advance that you won't lose the chance in that way but rather, you increase them.
I'm not a fan of this because this is playing games but at the moment it's the only way.

[Asker]

She has started to mirror my response times (if I take 30 mins she takes 40, if I take an hour she takes 2) however again she was texting me into the early morning and replying instantly. She has been more invested in the convos again and when I end a conversation she now starts a new one and things are starting to look really well again. However one thing I've noticed is that suggestive/flirty texts which she use to love and get into is something that at the moment she ignores or declines. Is this a sign of her not being attracted to me anymore? Or is this just because it would be wrong of her to sext me so easily again? I'm really happy with the recent progress made so I just wonder how long until we can get back to that part

[quaranta]

If she isn't responding to your flirts, you should take a step back and let her refill the space, let her be the one who initiates flirts and let her suggest about meeting by herself... If you don't let her chase you because you keep reconfirming your ready availability and interest, she won't desire you (usually you desire what you don't have, but at the moment, she knows she has you). Also you don't make "progress" in her mind just in one day, you see this in this perspective because you have a massive crush and can't wait to conclude something but in her mind things are definitely more slow paced, so wait maybe 1-2 weeks before seeing concrete results you can rely on, from her side, to say "ok this is actually progress"/"ok this is not going well", or not... Otherwise you get enthusiastic and fall in the same trap again.

[Asker]

We worked together today and it started a bit awkward, but then when I started to talk to her about something I could see the smile in her eyes during our brief convo which has been missing for a while. Through the day she seemed happy to talk and even began to tease me and initiate conversations too. All was looking to continue being promising and she said she'd give me a lift tomorrow. However when we started work she was asked to stay 2 hours overtime to help out and she agreed, but when the rest of us were going home it was evident her mood had dropped. She had mentioned earlier in the day she'd like a brownie and on my way out one of the chefs asked me if I wanted a spare brownie before he threw it out. I figured she told me earlier she wanted one and she was a bit down so I gave it to her but she seemed annoyed by it and told me to take it myself. I must say I get she was a bit down and she was also feeling ill so her reaction makes sense, but it deflated me I won't lie.

[quaranta]

Well because it looked like you were so desperate about her you instantly found a brownie for her as soon as she manifested "oh hm I want a brownie", and given that to her. I'm afraid you're not understanding how granted you're making yourself look like, to her... Well all I have to say, I said it, then if you're blinded by the crush you have I can't help more than that... Beware to not burn your chances this time.

[Asker]

So since this she began to get happy talking to me at work, began to tease me and come walking around to find me and joke or chat. We text a lot more until since and I made a flirty joke and she responded with "you wish" and although she didn't reciprocate it, she didn't ignore it and instead text more often and replied more. I thought maybe it was daft but she's only become xloser again. She texts me all day every day, responds quickly and will now even reach out to text me first and when she stands beside me, there's clearly no social barriers and she quite literally just presses herself against me to talk.
It feels like I have her back minus her return flirting, but it comes across now as she's toying with me because once she slips up she knows it's back on. Today she found a new job and handed in her notice. I joked that I'd miss the lifts home and she said she'll at least be able to hang out with me more now snd to me that was her giving me another chance. What do u think? Because your help has been masisve

[quaranta]

If all this happened because you took steps back and tried to not look granted to her, then keep doing that, let her dive into her interest for you and to keep refilling the space you leave behind, let her do the work. She will. As much as you pull away, she will put her effort, and more.
The more someone "invests" in a person, the more they get interested, so let her do that while you keep yourself a bit busy/away.
She already talked about hanging out so definitely she is considering another chance, but wait before asking her our. The ideal thing is: let her ask you! She knows already from time that you want to hang out, so she knows all she has to do is to ask you, when she wants. She knows you'd accept so she wouldn't be shy about that. And the fact she mentioned hanging out means maybe she is figuring out she could want to, so let her get there...

[Asker]

So this is going to be her last week working with me. SInce my last message we kept texting and she starts conversations more than the other way with me now and she began to return my flirting.

The other day she took me home from work and we decided to talk about it. I apologised for being suffocating with her etc, she listened and laughed and added her own parts. She said that she wanted to say she thought i was being needy but she was afraid id be offended or argue it and we'd fall out and she was worried and decided the best approach for herself was to go cold until it levelled out and then try again, which is what was happening the last few weeks. She said that because we text for a year and had so much fun together all the time that she was happy to forget the 3 bad weeks between us and try again if i could promise not to be needy or clingy.

She text me when she got home and it was fine, the following morning she gave me a lift into town when she was going to work, she went a bit cold at the end but then she text me about 20mins later in work and we text the rest of the day. We were meant to go to the beach on Friday but went for a walk instead, it was fine and funny but i was very tired and off form. The following day at work she had a massive smile when she seen me walk in but then was cold with me the rest of the day and then yesterday she was in a great mood with me, always laughed at what i was saying. After work we were meant to go somewhere just to cuddle basically but we were both far too tired and decided to just go straight home.
I'm probably overthinking everything because i now definetly have been given a second chance and dont want to ruin it but what should be my approach now? SInce she admitted she wanted us to try again she has stopped being flirty at work. I presume this isn't a "start again from where we left off" and more like a "start again from the very beginning" kind of thing

[quaranta]

She is still telling you the exact strategy to follow, this is bless, she is telling you precisely to not show signs of being needy and clingy, and that she wants to level things before proceeding. That's very clear, she is telling you basically to be more cold and distant, like she is, so that she doesn't pull away.
That means: showing you're good with your own autonomy, you mind your own business with serenity with or (especially) without her, you aren't instantly available to talk every single minute, you aren't always responding to her inputs, you don't flirt and ask out at the very first occasion every time (don't look like you are granted to her), etc. Same as before, the "problem" is always the same, the chance is the same, and she is giving you again instructions...
The more you stay on your own and cold, the more she compensates with her interest. Just stay back and let her build more, the more space and indifference you give, the more she will invest to compensate, she literally told you she wants to try again, so...

[Asker]

So today was her last day at work and so the last day I will ever see her without it being planned. We've got on quite well recently and there are 2 older work colleagues that are like parents to her and she offered to take all 3 of us home on her last shift. For weeks I expected her to cry saying goodbye to them because the 4 of us were like a little unit. She gave them hugs and said goodbye.

When she dropped me home she didn't have an interest in doing anything together and I accepted that not enough had changed. However I started to talk to her telling her what she meant to me and how grateful I was to meet her. She broke down in tears, held my hand and we kissed... twice. she was squeezing my thumb and playing with my fingers and leaned into me to rest and talk for a few minutes.
However despite all this she still remained coy and what happens next. She said she'll consider going on another date when I said we should hang out soon she just said 'she's gonna try hang out with everyone or we could all just hang out together.
So now I'm curious what my next step is, she's never been one to commit to future activities wirh me, and didn't commit to making plans together, but surely being the only person she cried for and her holding my hand and giving me a kiss are good indications?

[quaranta]

Well if you kiss and she flirts with you, she is into you, but here you aren't telling anything new, she likes you and gave you instructions already, risks are the same so don't be clingy and let her come closer by herself, same things as I said already... It's not 1 detail that changes everything, the trend is the same and the suggestions to give are the same type...

[Asker]

I continued to follow your advice and she began texting long paragraphs and ask me about my day (however once it would reach the point to where i'd start feeling like she's showing strong interest she would always pull back for a day or two as if to not invest herself too much). We went to the cinema together last week, i never called it a date or anything but once we arranged a time and film she went distant for a day or 2 like she seems to do everytime she shows interest or commits, but on the day we had a great time together. Afterwards i asked if she wanted to go on a legit date and she said "i'll have to see when i'm next free because i'm going to be busy the next week or 2", i know its probably not a big deal, but i wish she just said yes so i knew i was actually making progress. She then said she would give me a hug instead of a kiss because she had a bit of a cold and it would be wrong of her to give it to me. 2 days later our friend group were going for lunch and we decided to meet up before everyone else to go around town together and she asked me to meet at the hotel i work (where she left) and so all her friends seen us together. at lunch she laughed at all my jokes to the group, asked me some questions and she would kick me under the table and said to one of her friends at the table "you went to the cinema with him, if you go to the cinema together with a guy its a date" so she considers us going to the cinema a date i take it too then. Anyway like clockwork she has been distant the last 2 or 3 days which always happens she begins showing more interest.
I know it will still take time which i have, but i'm not sure how to take it from here. Have you any advice?

[quaranta]

Does she start being distant when she shows interest only, or, is it when she detects you are taking her interest as a green flag to proceed with next steps? I think she detects very easily at this point that you have an "agenda" that is much bigger than hers if any time it's you asking for a date or showing anyway how you are always ready to take things further.
In any case things aren't still safe and she keeps giving mixed signals, I think you should keep going as it is now waiting for her to just take more and more initiatives. If she isn't speeding up enough maybe you could mention new girls you are talking with (although this is "playing games" a bit more), but not as potential dates, just as friends of friends, colleagues, like, a friendly and funny woman somewhere who catched your attention but not in a romantic/sexual way, just in a casual, "social" way. To give her the hint you have new female contacts time to time, even not real new flirts, but, to trigger her to think she should hurry up before you start flirting with any of them.
However, at some point, you invested already so much that I think if she is still on and off for the next 2-3 months then at that point you should give her an ultimatum and ask her what she wants and that you either start actually dating or stop everything because you can't stay permanently in this limbo clearly, it harms your mental health at some point.
So I think the options are: you trigger her to hurry up, or, you keep waiting in the same style as now, or, when you'll have enough, you give her an ultimatum.

[Asker]

We talked about it last night and she said that she's "emotionally unavailable" and that she's really confused and doesn't know how to feel because she likes spending time with me and likes me but doesn't feel mentally ready yet to be 'tied down again'.
She said that she can't give me what I want yet and its not fair for her to lead me on, and rhat evwrytime she does start to feel something she pulls away because she's scared and not ready to let me in again but wants to tell me when she's ready if I'm still single.

She went on to say that previously I was able to take her walls down and she felt no expectations and was happy with how things were going and she was feeling ready to let me in, but then when our friends got involved etc she felt pressured and that a relationship was the main topic which scared her and made her pull away, then when I showed I cared she thought I was needy and that scared her that she was going to hurt me. She said that since we don't work together anymore she can control our contact to stop her liking me and that the spark has faded, but she thinks it'll come back but she doesn't want pressure on it. She said she wants me in her life and she wants to do things together and she wants to come over and watch a few movies together in my bedroom soon but also just wants to be friends so there's no forcing anything and no expectations for her emotional state to change.
She seems to want to try again but also not actually try again but organically start from scratch and hope the feelings develop without our friends knowing

[Guy13]

She is testing you.

[Guy13]

She's already two Crazies. She needs a man that can handle a little stress... with some backbone... one that can endure through adversity. This is why she has given you another chance. You figured out what was not working and fixed it..."he did that for me... he's serious about me and thoughtful". some point you are going have to command a date (Man-Up). If that freaks her out then there is a legitimate REASON her last two relationships went bad. There is always a 50%/%0% blame when relationship goes bad. Do not forget this !!!