Unfair ultimatum from boyfriend what to do?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months and he’s never let me check his phone despite knowing I have trust issues from being cheated on, he tells me that checking a phone is looking for trouble, for something to be mad about but I disagree If he had nothing to hide he would let me look.

so I got sick of it and demanded he let me look or we are in trouble and he said “fine, but just know this, you can go through my phone once but if you don’t find anything we are done” to which I asked for a reason and he said he won’t be with someone who doesn’t trust him, so I don’t know what to do what should I do?

Updates

+1 y

Well I decided to call his bluff and asked to go through his phone and yeah, didn't find anything, and yeah, he broke up with me citing "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me and makes accusations without any reason". and then proceeded to tell me I need to get therapy to deal with my trust issues as this will be an issue with every relationship.

[Glenn_lawrence]

Now you may not like my opinion but allow me to share some guy insight. What you are calling a ultimatum is not a ultimatum but a boundary. He is saying he won't be in a relationship with someone that doesn't trust him. Which I can agree with because if you don't have trust in a relationship then that relationship is gonna face so many obstacles that most relationships that struggle with trust issues never workout in the long run. Now the phone thing, Is it safe to say that you only want to check his phone because you may have a feeling that he is keeping something from you? and you are most likely thinking he is interacting with other women in away that would hurt you if you found out? am I on the right track with that?
If I am then I would say that you don't have enough to support him giving you access to his phone without it crossing the boundary that he has in regards to not wanting to be with someone who doesn't trust him.
I would recommend forget about looking at his phone. I tell guys all the time that the moment they feel that they need to go through their girls phone they already believe that something isn't right and should just get out the relationship before finding something that would only cause more pain... trust your gut feeling

[SamIam96]

Get therapy. If it's not his phone, it will be something else. If he works late. Goes out with friends. Spends too long in the bathroom. You'll find something to be suspicious about. You'll never be comfortable with him or another boyfriend until you resolve your trust issues.

You asked what you should do... Apologize for not trusting him. Tell him about your trust issues and that you're going to seek help. And, follow through. You'll eventually be happier. Maybe he'll stick around. From the ultimatum he gave, it sounds like he's fed up. It wouldn't be surprising if he moved on.

[SamIam96]

There are so many unanswered questions... Are you sad about the breakup? Do you wish you and/or he had handled things differently? What are your thoughts about trust, now?

[yucychan]

My advice for you: Grow up.

Yes, I understand you have trust issues from your previous relationship but that's the past. Don't bring your insecurities into your current relationship, it's not fair to your boyfriend. If you can't trust your boyfriend despite him doing nothing to warrant your reactions, then it's on you, not him.

You know he's right, checking his phone is looking for trouble, you are indeed looking for something to be mad about. You won't stop with his phone. After his phone, you will want to find other things to check on. You will check with his friends, family members, work colleagues, his social media etc. There will always be that something.

To be honest, I don't think you are ready for a relationship. So, just take him up on his offer. Go through his phone, and find nothing. Then let him dump you, once and for all, and end the relationship. It's better for the both of you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think he’s being unfair, at the same time I can also understand where you’re coming from. Maybe the two of you could find a middle ground? I was also cheated on in the past but I know that checking my ex’s phone wouldn’t do me any good bc he’ll delete the evidence anyway, which is why I opted to just trust my current boyfriend - the truth always comes out.

Checking his phone is a violation of his privacy, I also wouldn’t feel comfortable having him checking my phone even though I got nothing to hide. Maybe the two of you can discuss a solution? Maybe ask him to just be transparent and keep you updated whenever he goes out?

Also ask yourself, is there anything that he’s doing so far that seems sus? If not, then try and learn to trust him more. He’s not your ex, it won’t guarantee that he won’t cheat but at least you can have a fresh start with him 😌

[Apple1996]

Not sure what to tell you. I personally could never be with someone that didn't allow me to see their phone. These guys that refuse to share their passcode and say they need their privacy just aren't ready for a relationship if they are being that sneaky. There is no secrets or privacy when in a long term relationship and that's just how it is.

[admles]

Yeah that's just controlling. My parents have been married 45 years and don't share passwords or go through each other's phones, they trust each other. "That's just how it is" is BS, maybe in your relationships, but not in everyone's.

[Apple1996]

@admles I've been with him for 9 years. Married for 7 of those. And the fact that he let's me see his phone is trusting. Its not controling in any way. Tbh I don't even look through it anymore since we share passwords I have his Gmail on my phone. Not for snooping but for other reasons like our kids school and housing only emails him so without I'd be lost half the time with my kids and neighborhood updates.

[Apple1996]

@admles back when your parents got married they had nothing to snoop about. There was no online world back then

[admles]

And maybe that's what works for you. If someone does not feel comfortable sharing their passwords, then that is perfectly reasonable.
My fiance has my pin for my phone, but if I ever caught her snooping we'd be having a very long discussion about trust issues and invasion of privacy. My friends KNOW that when they are talking to me, that I am the only person reading what they say. If a friend of mine told me their partner was reading our messages, I wouldn't be talking to them anymore.

[Kerrim23]

Despite your past trust issues, you shouldn't try to interrogate him. It probably makes him feel annoyed and unloved. You gave him an ultimatum too, his was just more forward. I think you should give him a chance to just be your boyfriend, without all of the demands.

[FilmGuy93]

Your boyfriend is in the right here. This isn’t about whether he has anything to hide; your need to look through his phone is symbolic of a deeper problem. You need to work on whatever is causing your trust issues before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone

[CallmeTheKnight]

Sis, your lack of trust is ruining your relationship by your actions. If you require to have access to someone's phone, then you need to get therapy immediately.

Your boyfriend is right for what he told you. He has boundaries and you are definitely too insecure to understand how he feels.

First the phone, then the computer, then the clothes, then the people he speaks to... stop the foolishness

[maximumpower]

Stop accusing him of it.
Had a girlfriend that did this kind of crap the whole time we were dating. I finally had enough and made the crime fit the punishment.
Having her finally get gone was a relief.
For the sake of your relationship, stop this crap.
If you don't, he WILL walk.
-Been there

[admles]

Bwahahahahahahahahahha

He warned you, and you didn't believe him.

This is what happens when you just accuse people of things without any reason.

He's right, get help.

[9inchestrong]

I used to need to check my girlfriend phone. Guess how long it lasted? 10 months. If you don't trust him. Leave him. That's the advice I got, and it is the advice I am giving to you.

[Anonymous]

You should stop being so goddamn nosy and respect other people’s privacy. I hope he breaks up with you. I can only imagine the nagging you put him through.

[nikxxs]

lol he's probably already cleared everything out while ure still thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Tbh guys cheat..
So he will never give you his phone haha our phones are like porn sites haha

[Emanon25]

No trust no life.