How do I indicate that I want a relationship without scaring men off?

[Anonymous]

I (26f) am really ready to find The One and settle down + have kids. I want to meet guys who want the same thing and who are a good fit. However, whenever I meet a guy we'll flirt and end up having sex and then he will never call again. I've thought about just saying no to the sex but I'm worried that if a guy starts making moves on me and I say that I don't want sex because I want something serious, this will scare him away. I'm really sad because I was chatting with this guy I met on a dating app and I made it really clear in my bio that I want something serious. He asked me if I'd like to get a room and I said no because I am worried it will end really quickly if we have sex and he said it wouldn't but he'll respect my decision. We went on a few more dates and then we had sex and he stopped calling/texting. Starting to feel like maybe I'll never find the right guy who wants the same things as me and I'm worried I'm sending out the wrong signals or something.

Also I've never had a long term relationship. But I've had sex with so many guys. I feel gross.

[Anonymous]

I used to approach dating like you did (minus the sex, no offense) and hold my tongue a lot out of fear of losing a certain guy that I was starting to like. Then a friend of mine who is a dating coach said to date with intention, and ask as soon as possible what the guy is looking for. I was hesitant to do that, but then she was like what are you so afraid of losing? And it’s true.


When you’re first chatting with a guy, or even go on the first date and it goes well, you start creating potential for the future in your mind. But realize it’s the fantasy you’re afraid of losing, not the guy. Why? Because in that short time he hasn’t proven himself capable of being a good boyfriend, husband, or father. It takes some time for you to see if he’s consistent, serious, and not just putting on his best face in order to get laid. So ask the hard questions before you start getting your hopes up and investing time into him.


Personally I’d rather save myself another body and more disappointment than avoid asking “so what are you looking for right now?” Or “what’s your intentions for talking to me?”. If it scares him off then guess what - he was never going to stay in the first place. You have seen this time and time again. Once you see yourself as the prize rather than the man, then you’ll ask these things fearlessly because your time and feelings become too precious to waste on a guy who’s gonna ghost anyway.

[Sixgunsound]

I’m printing this out to give to my daughters.

[Opinion Owner]

@sixgunsound that’s incredibly flattering, thanks☺️

[DaveJord]

Well there is something to this pattern in you life. So you really have to do some self reflection on that and your self to figure out what it is you are doing right and what it is you are doing wrong.

Sounds to me that you might be attracted to the wrong types of guys and maybe consider what that really means, in regard to what you want vs. what you really need... maybe right type of guy for you is not what you are looking for and you need to start dating different types of men and figure that out?

I for one would never get serious or commit to a girl without having sex first, but with that said you should not jump right into bed with guys. Let me tell you this a guy that just wants sex will not get much further past the 3rd or 5th date with you if he is not seriously interested. He will lose interest and you never should hesitate to tell a guy that you really want a serious relationship and children and that you want to take it slow.

Other then that nugget of advice I got nothing better to add. Dating is hard and even guys meet with failure 9 out of 10 times. And even the 1 in 10 ends up being a dud. Its easy to get discourage and give up, but you know you can't do that either.

[Sixgunsound]

I’m gonna say something that might sound mean but I hope you learn something. You’ve advertise yourself as a village bicycle, and you’re upset that men aren’t signing up to be the one that all their buddies are laughing at because he paid for the free ride?

[Sixgunsound]

When my daughters get old enough to start dating, we are going to have a REAL Frank conversation about men and thought processes and how life works. And it’s going to sound exactly like what I just said. I’m not trying to be a jerk here I’m trying to care enough about you to tell you things about life that I feel really bad your father never told you. He may have done his job as a parent otherwise but in this specific area he let you down and I’m so sorry. I

[Fireguy17]

Maybe think about online dating sites.
The better ones that charge to join.
Not the free hook up sites.
The better sites help cut down on those just looking to hook up for a night.
There still might be a few on any site.
Most people on those sites are looking for or to be in a relationship.
I found my wife on eharmony.
It is a lot of work, endless profiles to look at, first dates, but it worked for me.

[SiberFox]

This is the type of mindset you should have had like 10 years ago. As for how to indicate it: make it the first priority when establishing a relationship, and make sure the relationship is established before having sex. If you don't date to marry, you're dating for heartbreak.

[Aerolyn]

If a guy gets scared off just because you make it clear that you want something serious then that just simply means he's not what you're looking for, do NOT be afraid of that.

[Hardworkingguy]

Well I believe the best way to find out if the person you love really wants to be with you forever is to talk about certain things indirectly to see if he's reactions. Also you might want to pay attention to everything he says if he sees you as part of his future then you know he wants to marry you

[Anonymous]

Don't ask too soon.

[Anonymous]

🤣🤣🤣