I do not like /agree with new boyfriends boundaries, are we doomed to fail?

[Anonymous]

Been seeing this guy for a few months and it's going so well. We both feel that there is potential for a serious, long term relationship here.

We've both been screwed over before, so I proposed we sit down and have a chat about things in relationships we consider boundaries / red flags.

The first one he brought up was cheating and we both agree that it's a zero-tolerance thing, which is great.

However, his next point really struck a nerve with me. He said that he does NOT believe in sharing passwords / PINs and going through each other's phones. He has had too many problems with girls who deliberately looked for stuff to get angry about, things from BEFORE they were together, and just not respecting his privacy in general and so said he will never again be in a relationship with a snooper and will NOT be giving his passwords out.

This kind of bowled me over because I am the complete opposite, I feel that couples should share everything and have complete openness to show they trust each other and that they are trust worthy, and we got into an argument about this and he REFUSES to budge even slightly, are we doomed, how can I bring him over to my side? I"m a firm believer in no secrets or privacy, when in a relationship you are ONE, there is no "mine", just "ours".

[AviatorTom]

Your disagreement over sharing things is common for men and women. There's an old saying that, in my experience and that of my friends and relatives, is mostly true...

In a relationship, there is "ours" and there is "hers", there is often very little "his".

Maintaining a sense of privacy and individualism is perfectly okay, and you should learn to accept that. If you don't, or can't, then you may have a hard time finding a serious relations hip with anyone.

[TheCulprit]

Dr K has a really good talk about this on anxiety/trust issues. I thin it's part of a guide he sells as a psychiatrist.

Personally I wouldn't share those things with anyone for safety reasons, what if they do something bad with that information when they're angry? What I might tell him is to think about you when doing things in daily life, there's a saying in Spanish "Don't do good things that look like bad things". Ask him to think about your feelings and not do anything that might make you feel bad, such as commenting "You look gorgeous 😍" on another girl's photos, maybe him touching other girls in the face or hands might also make you uncomfortable. If any such things happen tell him "I feel uncomfortable by such and such" and if he loves you, or at least feels empathy he will try not to do that again. On the other hand, if he does not care about your feelings let him go.

[nspencer]

Hmm so I see both sides honestly. If his previous partner was a snooper and didn’t trust him and blew up over small things and he was innocent then it could be something he honestly resents a partner doing. Probably something he should let go of though and realize not all women do that. The fact you say girls plural though is more of a red flag to me. ALL girls he has been with has done this? Typically when anyone says all their exes have done the following to me it is probably BS and he could be hiding something. I would say try to talk to him and have him elaborate more on the cases. Sometimes trust issues in relationships stems from a place and it is not a persons fault per say. It’s just about communication.

[admles]

Going by her post he didn't say "all", he just said "Girls", so that just means a minimum of two, and I've been there myself and my fiancé doesn't have my passwords (there's literally no need for her to have them) but she does know my PIN to my phone, so maybe OP and her boyfriend can try that.

[nspencer]

@admles yeah I think she just needs to talk about it with him. Any questions she has or things she wants to try she should be able to at least have a conversation with him about.

[Summeroflove]

If you can’t respect a persons boundaries and privacy. Maybe there is stuff on there that is super personal he doesn’t want you to see. As your new boyfriend. Maybe he has family matters in his texts he does not want you to see.


If you don’t trust him and he seems like the kind to cheat. Leave him.


Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. I do not let people into my phone.


That or. What if he has work stuff on there.



Couples should share everything. Even if you’re new. I don’t agree with this.


Because if the relationship doesn’t work out and someone turns out to be a bad person. Then they use everything against you and share everything personal about you. This comes later on when things get more serious. Yes I agree.


But not the first.

[xColinx]

I don't think it should be a 100% black-and-white rule in either direction. It's another one of many many things that comes with time & trust in a relationship. I don't see any reason to try to force the issue with something like sharing PIN/passwords. If y'all were married and he was being dodgy, that would be a different situation.

[admles]

He is 100% in the right.

A good, trusting relationship means you don't need your partner's passwords, and demanding them means you don't trust them from the start.

"Going through" someone's phone also means you are literally looking for something to be upset about.

You need to learn to sort out your trust issues if you want to be with this man.

[slatyb]

"He said that he does NOT believe in sharing passwords / PINs and going through each other's phones."

That's normal. I wouldn't do this for anyone. My wife and I have been together for years and we don't share passwords.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should ever share passwords with anyone since some people don't reveal their true psycho colors until later and can use it against you to seriously ruin your life over nothing. They should always offer to log in themselves and show them what's inside though

[Anonymous]

two thinks 1. he cheated on his ex's before that's why he has a no password tolerance. and 2. for me i wouldn't give my password out either. i have way to many sensitive government data on there for anyone to access especially some broad who's just a girlfriend not even my wife would get that kind of information if i ever do marry. the only time she would get that is when i'm dead

[NathanDavis]

any relationship that lacks genuine trust for each other is doomed to fail... yes

[Anonymous]

He's got somethings to hide I guess.

He agreed to zero tolerance on cheating, but without his pass code you're never gonna find out if he cheats anyway.

[BJP21]

The whole phone thing is an issue if he has nothing to hide. You're already tapping into his insecurity he might as well come clean.

[Rockstarrrrr]

Yeah.. Not compatible

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Would you tell him your SSN?