Lack of intimacy because of anxiety. How can I help him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has struggled with anxiety his whole life and in the past 2 years it has progressed to panic attacks before stressful situations. It makes his skin so sensitive and he can’t stand to be touched. I’ll lay with him. We’ll focus on the feel of the floor, the fibers on my shirt or anything else nearby And talk through what he’s feeling until he is breathing easy again.

For years before the panic attacks started we were a very touchy feely couple, he always has his hand in my back or thigh or around my waist. We still hold hands but it’s not the same. He used to initiate often and I never turned him down. Then, after the panic attacks started He stopped initiating and stopped touching me. He gives me more bear hugs than lovers hugs and doesn’t touch me below my elbows. It’s like something broke in those first few months after the panic attacks started and I can’t put it back together. It feels like I’m suffocating because I can remember what it felt like before all this started and it hurts so much.

I understand anxiety affects your love life but It’s not the same even when he is not concerned about about anything. It’s like that desire in him has winked out. Has anything similar happened to anyone out there? What did you do?

[AmandaYVR]

Beautifully written.

No, I haven't experienced this. But I do have a lot of experience with people with anxiety and panic attacks.

I don't mean to diminish your experience, or the logical connection you have made here, but if you remove the anxiety element from your story and situation, this could also sound like any other relationship. (Such as being past the honeymoon stage, being very stressed at work or some other situation, just to name a couple.) He doesn't feel good, and his body is expressing what his mind is tangled up in.

Maybe the bear hug is an attempt to feel something, or to relieve and push out the tension from his body.

His anxiety sounds severe.

I don't know what to suggest, but it seems you shouldn't focus on his lack of intimacy toward you, as he has his hands full already and although I know you want to be there for him to make him feel better, you also need to be careful that you don't become another task or issue for him that he feels inadequate to deal with.

Sounds like he needs therapy. Has he ever tried?

If he doesn't want to do that, go back to basics with him. Maybe ASMR, as something gentle to focus on when he's lying down or in bed trying to get to sleep. Or a nature sound machine. He should exercise or walk to work off his angst during the day. Petting animals is supposed to lower heart rate and calm nerves. Avoid stimulants, cut out caffeine entirely. Eat healthy foods that stabilize, like vegetables and lean proteins.

You didn't discuss his work, but that might be something he needs to tackle, and change.

Good luck. Best wishes to you both.

[Summeroflove]

Ask him what you can do. Also encourage him to have professional help if he doesn’t already.

[Robert_]

This sounds like a problem that requires professional help.

[BJP21]

Have take a cannabis edible. In the right doses it can mellow him out.