Am I the a-hole for not turning off the lights?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have a general rule (as most couples do probably) that the last one to go to bed turns off the lights. Sometimes I forget and this annoys my boyfriend. But most of the time I remember the lights - I know because of the constant fear of the dark I get when I do it. Anyway tonight I got into bed first. Minutes later he gets into bed but has forgotten to turn off the landing light. Instead of getting up, he says that I can do it… when I’m already snug in bed. He gets comfortable and eventually I can’t sleep with the light so I get up and turn the landing light off. But I can’t help feeling annoyed. I just think it’s rude to make someone get out of bed to do something that you forgot. And it’s so simple! Just. Turn. Off. The. Lights. It also gives me mothering vibes too, like ‘it’s ok mummy will do it’. On top of that I just don’t think it’s a very gentleman thing to do to make your girlfriend get up and do something petty you forgot to do. Anyway we had an argument about it and now I can’t sleep. I asked him to sleep in another room but he’s stubborn and hasn’t moved. His stance in the argument was basically that it’s not a big deal because I make him do that all the time. I was at a loss what to say because I would never get into bed and then make him get out of it to turn off the fricking lights. He’s of the opinion that I leave the lights on all the time so it was about time I turned them off. But what he doesn’t see is me turning them off when he is unconscious at night. Uh it’s such a petty argument but I’m furious. The way he treated me in such an ungentlemanly manner, the way he argued (he always does the selfish gaslighting thing which drives me crazy) and the fact that I have to share a bed with him. I’m so irritated right now. Anyone else been in this kind of argument?

[TrueConfection]

Holy smokes! 😂

I wouldn't want to get out of bed either, but there is another way this could have been handled. I'd have got up and shut the light off admitting that I often forget with kind of a "yeah yeah" and smile, maybe point out that I'm such a wonderful girlfriend that even though it wasn't me THIS TIME I'll get out of my nice warm bed for him anyway.

At this point, my advice is that you should just drop the whole subject. You both made your point.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Separate bedrooms and sleeping in the living room is a great solution. My wife, for some reason always wants to be near me, but she snores very loudly. She is also a bed and blanket hog.

To top it all off she has some obsession with cuddling. With most women before her, that was fine. On top of that, I only sleep 4 hours a night while she can easily sleep a full 16 hours. So if she tries to force me to sleep at 8:00 at night... I'll be up at midnight and starting my day.

[Asker]

Have you ever had the ‘switching off the lights last’ argument? Would love some advice on this argument I just had :)

[D_Bone_Steak]

Sort of. I time my sleep to wake up and get kids to school and she's military and has to wake up at 4 in the morning. She had to learn to switch of the lights when she was done looking for her stuff.

In your situation, it sounds like his response was so strong because he's been putting up with something that's been pissing him off for a while. That stacks up and as soon as you were on the other side of the argument it's a much bigger deal for him. It would be kind of hard to argue that you're already in bed and comfy. I'm not saying he's right... but his perception of it might make him feel right.

This is just one of those things you two will have to figure out in order to deal with each other. Just like in my relationship... one of you will have to cut losses, adapt, or evolve how you deal with things.

[TheSpaceGnome]

This is a dumb thing to fight over or argue about, its just lights.

Modern lights are designed to use so much less energy than a decade ago, that literally NO one should care if they accidentally get left on.

Plus what if you have to get up to pee, keep at least some lights on so you don't trip and hurt yourself while groggy.

[Asker]

Well exactly! My boyfriend is convinced that we’re gonna get some ridiculous bill if we don’t turn them off. It’s ridiculous.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Impossible, modern lights use almost nothing for power, and turning them on uses more power in the first few seconds than in the next 10 hours, so flipping them on and off every day wastes MORE power.

[Asker]

Wish you could tell him this!

[TheSpaceGnome]

Even really old lightbulbs that needed lots of power to run, benefited from being left on all the time, as turning a bulb on and off shortens its lifespan each time you do that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centennial_Light

With modern led bulbs, you get longevity and less power consumption, but people keep killing their bulbs by flipping them on an iff constantly, so a 10 year bulb becomes a 1 year bulb, and a 100 year bulb becomes a 10 year bulb.

[TheSpaceGnome]

off*

[Asker]

Thanks for the info. But do you have any advice on who is right or wrong in this situation? Im not concerned about the electricity bill, more the argument we just had.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Regardless of the specific argument, couples shouldn't be getting upset at eachother.

It's never just about the lightbulb.

You two are supposed to feel like you are on cloud nine when with eachother, even when life sucks ass. And I mean the "your life is falling apart" kind of sucks ass.

When something negative happens, you two are supposed to lift eachother up OUT of a bad mood, just by being there and offering love and affection.

if you two don't even feel that way when dealing with something as trivial as forgetting to turn a light off, what does that say?

[AngryCarl]

Isn't there something more trivial you and your boyfriend could argue about? There's a war in Ukraine and the President is a Democrat.

[AngryCarl]

Seriously though, just go to bed at the same time. That way you won't disturb one another.