Have you dealt with irrational jealousy?

[NZGirl07]

So I'm in an almost 2 year committed happy relationship, but at times I still struggle with jealousy. I was cheated on in my first relationship and since then I've always had jealousy issues in relationships. I've worked on it for the past 2 years and improved a lot, but it hasn't gone away. Things about my partners past bother me, his ex's, any sexual history, even thinking of him drinking and at parties in the past makes me uncomfortable.

I've put in so much work to improve and stop having massive outbursts, constantly going through a partners phone etc but at times I still get triggered.

Has anyone else dealt with this and have any tips or experience to share?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you should have to accept lifestyle choices that are considered mainstream or normal if at your core they bother you. If you hold yourself to certain standards of behavior, you have every right to hold your partner to the same standards. I went through years of training myself to accept that all men watch porn and will have female friends and that even if I don’t think it’s right and have no male friends or watch porn, that it’s just too bad for me. There’s something wrong with me. Well guess what? Not all guys are like that as I’ve come to discover. So if his lifestyle is making you uncomfortable, move on. Your boyfriend should make you feel so confident in his loyalty to you that his past becomes irrelevant and in the present you have zero doubts. You should be able to imagine him in a room full of naked women and trust nothing would happen. If you can’t, there is a problem.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you trust him in a room full of naked women?

[NZGirl07]

Hey there. Thank you for your comment. I agree with all your points. I definitely trust him so much. The issue is more irrational jealousy, and it isn't about his lifestyle currently, since we basically both work study and spend time together, but more about the past. It's hypocritical since I've had ex's and experience too but it still has bugged me at times. He's a really transparent boyfriend, since the start he give me his phone password and showed me unprompted if a girl ever tried to message him or hit on him and tell me he was ignoring them etc. I trust him in any situation, it's just my own brain can be my enemy about the past and feeling upset.

[NZGirl07]

*gave me

[Opinion Owner]

Ok that’s really good to hear! Maybe I can help you then with overcoming his past. Do you want to PM me? Or what are some things he has done in the past that bother you?

[Opinion Owner]

What I have done to cope with exes with pasts far more colorful than my own has been to embrace their experiences as part of shaping who they are today. One of my exes for example was much older than I was at the time and had had a threesome with other women, done anal, had sex in places I hadn't and in general just had much more experience than I did, but when he opened up, he was able to shed insight into each of these experiences, the circumstances surrounding them, where he was mentally at the time, which he regretted and which he did not, which helped me to ultimately see deeper into his psyche and past. At the end, I felt as if I had gone through everything with him which helped me to not feel jealous at all. He still was very immature in many ways, and I did not spend more than a few months with him, but he possessed more wisdom in his middle-agedness than other, younger exes of mine which I appreciated.

[NZGirl07]

That's really interesting to hear. I think I've sort of done the same thing with my partner, as we've shared all details of our past and discussed how it shaped us, what we regret etc. Luckily I've got to a point where I'm usually not jealous day to day, it's just an occasional thing can trigger me.

[Opinion Owner]

Is it related to o exes’ physical appearances?

[NZGirl07]

Hm more just feeling that he's less mine because there were others before me, feeling upset he's been with a few more people than me, and perhaps being angry at him for having flings in the past since I don't really respect that type of life.

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t respect those who have flings either. It’s certainly not me at all either. but the beauty of flings is that these girls were likes flicks on the radar, one night and then gone. no real intimacy. sex and go. I’ve tried to see them in the past as no different than the guy masturbating to porn. the urge arises, he goes as quickly from point A to point B as possible, and then moves on. so in that sense, it’s almost better, because there’s no strings or baggage attached for him with these people.

[Opinion Owner]

a main thing that would be a concern to me in a guy’s past is if he had ever cheated or had a tendency to do so. that right there would be a problem for me

[NZGirl07]

That's true. To be fair to him as well he did briefly date a few of these girls and had some type of involvement with the few of them. I agree, he's never cheated on anyone which is very reassuring.

[Opinion Owner]

do you have a strong sense of why they broke up? did any of them dump him instead of him dumping them?

[NZGirl07]

Well the main girl he saw unfortunately decided she didn't want a relationship and spread very false and harmful rumors which has affected him a lot. It is a very terrible situation for him, and a very nasty girl. Another girl dumped him as she seemed to want an open relationship. I think the rest weren't so important. But one girl did cheat on him which he found out after sadly.