Am I wrong to leave after 5 years?

[Anonymous]

We were together 5 years and I recently told him I want to go on a break since i dont think he's ready to be married. I can tell he's been warming up to it and he's said he'll look into rings but it still seems like he's not super into it. For example, when people (family or friends) bring up marriage, he starts avoiding the question and looks visibly uncomfortable. I've also overheard a phonecall with his friend (I was in the room) where in response to his friend asking if he'd marry me this year or next, he said, "I don't know about that". We had our 5 year anniversary in Aug and just got back from a 2 week overseas trip. I'd told him months ago I'd be out soon if I didn't get a ring but now I feel like I should've kept waiting? He's saying he would've done it for sure in May of next year before our leases end but I don't know.

[BCRanger10]

This is just me, I think you'd be better off leaving. For one thing, this relationship is five years in and for another, you had to give him an ultimatum. Those two things in my assessment don't add up to good things in the future. Plus, he's also giving different answers to different people.

Marriage ought to be a free decision by each person and I don't see that being the case on his part. Yes, the conversation should happen and each person's intentions should be clearly stated. And yes, family and friends do have a legitimate interest and are also right to bring it up. It sounds though that he either outright doesn't want to or he's hesitating.

[Asker]

Yes, he's hesitating and when I ask why he says, "it's a big decision". Which it definitely is but now he's saying he's ready. And now I'm hesitant to accept it because of everything

[BCRanger10]

I see. For all I know, he could really mean it. I'd be lying if I said my own wife and I didn't have a similar experience long before I proposed to her. Earlier in December 2018, we were on the verge of breaking up. Just a couple of weeks later on NYE, I proposed to her. We're also both faithful traditional Catholics, so our understanding of marriage is, shall we say, not in line with most others'. Suffice it to say, sometimes people do need that jolt. But then again, we were also together for about a year and a half, not five years.

All other things being equal, if I were closer to your situation and knew you personally, I'd likely still agree with your original conclusion to "take a break" (which, for the record, means actually breaking up in my mind). I'd hate to see someone have to start over again, let alone after five years, but if you want something specific and definitive from the man you're with, then you ought not to waste each other's time.

If I may ask, what has him being so hesitant? Are his parents divorced?

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing. His parents are not divorced. They're marriage actually seems good from my perspective. His reasoning for being hesitant is that it's a big decision, it's more important to me than him, and that he doesn't have too many married people around him (friend-wise)

[Asker]

He's said before that he didn't want to be the first of his friendgroup to be married. (Ridiculous I know) thinking back, I should've ended it when he said that.

[BCRanger10]

Yeah, that is kind of silly. I suppose there are worse things that someone could think or say about not getting married, but I do agree with you still. Marriage is a great thing and with so many people forsaking marriage these days for whatever reason (and this will have a wider and unpleasant cultural impact going forward), someone has to set an example.

And also, please forgive me if I'm prying too much, but this would help me in giving a better assessment of the situation. Does he view pornography on a regular basis and does he have any kind of sexual past? Sorry, but I promise those details are relevant and important.

[Asker]

No to both of those. We met when he was 20 and I was 21. I don't believe he had too much of a past before me besides a few people.

[BCRanger10]

Okay. I was just trying to see if that might be playing into his hesitation at all. Sorry if that was too intrusive.

[Asker]

That's alright! I'm still unsure of why he's hesitating besides that it's a, "big decision". I asked if he'd be willing to do couples therapy to get to the root of or problems. If he really wants to be together

[BCRanger10]

And what was his response?

[Asker]

He said he'd do a session. I've told him I want to stay on break while doing so.

[BCRanger10]

I see. Well one way or another, I still think taking a step back from this relationship and allowing each other some time to assess what they really want is a good step to take.

[lightbulb27]

I was the same way. I had my hangups, I'm better now married.

Just take him down the the ring shop... shopping... and dont over think it. pick the rings you want, and just do it rather than make a big project out of it, and announcement, and all that. just do it, slowly he will be ok with it.

at some point he's ok or you'll know you have to move on.

[Haha456]

he's probably just using you until someone better comes along. Free sex, free companionship is the reason why he is still stringing you along without any goal of anything permanent. Guys mature slower than women. This is why guys tend to play around while girls want to get married.

[Faith18letsgo]

I think leave. If no marriage is a deal breaker for you it’s a deal breaker.

[boggboss]

At this point yes u should leave it seems u are putting a lot of pressure on him to get married now when he seems reluctant or not ready which is bad because even if he did it would be for the wrong reasons

[chicosuave]

marriage is obsolete. just get over it and live your life. Why to you want a wedding anyway? do you want that fairy tale wedding event? is that the only reason why

[Asker]

No, that's not the only reason why.

[LazerBean]

No it's not wrong of you, but you should have figured this out at least 3 years ago.

[In_Trance]

you're projecting. that's a douche move

[Asker]

How am I projecting?