Have you tried to improve yourself for someone? How did that work out?

[lilyanony1]

I was desperate to keep my boyfriend interested so I tried to improve myself to keep him. If he thought I was putting on weight I altered my diet.
When I was too skinny I stopped swimming as often.
It fucked with my head, my body and my self esteem...
He wasn't a good man. He played with me because he knew just how much I loved him.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok... yea, he was NOT a good man. I have never tried to improve myself in hopes of gaining or keeping someone's interest. Nobody should do that. If you find yourself wanting to make "improvements" that you otherwise wouldn't make... to keep your partner happy, consider that a red-flag every time.

Glad you got out of that relationship. 🙂

[lilyanony1]

There was a lot of negative things going on in my life at that time. And as nasty as he was with his comments and mean behaviour. He was the only person that told me he wanted me around. Its such a mind f*** to be treated that way.
My self worth was at an all time low. Even now I've reconnected with a half sister and although I've made it clear I want to get to know her and her kids she doesn't really bother she waits for me to make contact. I feel scared but it would be reassuring if she invited me to meet, you know.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes that truly is a mind-fuck! I am so sorry to hear that you were in such a dark place. I can absolutely appreciate where you're coming from with your half sister. But I can also see where she might be coming from too.

If she's got whatever going on with her life, and is busy with kids, and blah blah blah I can see how taking a minute to reach-out to her half sister who has expressed a desire to reconnect can get lost in the shuffle. I also have no idea what sort of relationship you two had prior to losing touch. That's going to matter too.

I can also for sure see how it would me SO MUCH to you if she did reach-out to give you that assurance. I can also see how it can be especially difficult to continue to be the one to reach-out, when you're in such a raw and vulnerable place.

I guess what I mean is: I am sure your half sister would make an effort to reach out, if she had any idea just how much it would mean to you for her to do so. She doesn't quite realize what her lack of reaching out is "saying" to you. I don't think she intends to "say" that to you.

I think that in the case of your sister, it might be worthwhile continuing to be the one doing the reaching out--at least for the next little while, until you've reestablished more of a relationship. I think that, if you're able to reconnect with her and reform a relationship, it will be worth what you have to go through to continue being the one to reach-out.

[lilyanony1]

Well I'll be honest with you.
My father was a very silly boy. He was with her mum first but cheated on her with another woman. They both ended up pregnant at the same time. I think my brother is born march she's born the July.
Anyways things happened and she kicked him to the curb so much so she was raised by a English (white man) and if ever she asked her mum about dad she refused and acted like he was dead.
I spent 19 years of my life with my dad and learned of his messy behaviour through sight and what my mum told me. (why she stayed I don't know)
Anyways there's 6 of us in total we're the only single kids for my dad. Although she has brothers that she grew up with there's always been that question. I think it's painful for her as I really know him but equally don't. If I really revealed exactly who he was which she kind of got a sense of because of his stroke and hospital drama I think it would taint the possibility of him maybe being a decent dad to her.
Don't get me wrong my dad did try to help however he could but he was always preoccupied.
You know.
So I'm the thing she probably envys and dislikes at the same time (and I get it's not with malice) it's just emotion since she probably questions why she wasn't good enough or something. Although thats probably me making an assumption but honestly despite her stable upbringing she's insecure if not as insecure as I am..

[SteveSmith1985]

Well I think that you're maybe making some assumptions at the end. But what I think is key though, is that you recognize that this is something that's "emotionally complicated" for your half-sister (regardless of exactly how she feels about you and everything).

So since you realize that it's not easy for her to reach -out either, try not to take it to mean anything too significant that she doesn't. If she's said that she's interested in reconnecting, then I would imagine that she is. Still, considering how complex this whole thing is for her emotionally, try not to be too discouraged by her lack of initiating contact. Keep trying (when appropriate) and hopefully once you get over the initial 'gap' and get to know each other, things will become easier for her, and she'll start reaching out too

[lilyanony1]

I hope so, and I wasn't trying to be rude it was an observation and the things she's said to mum over time. But I hear you.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh no I didn't think you were being rude! I just didn't want you to misinterpret your half-sister's actions/inactions because you had made an assumption about how she was feeling. But, I was also thinking that you didn't have much to base that on. I didn't realize that it was based on things she had said over time. Since that's the case, it's way more reasonable for you to talk about where she's coming from... because you're not even assuming. You know! Sorry about that 🙂

[lilyanony1]

It's OK. Life is strange and being a parent makes it 10x harder. You really have to consider so much. I think my father would have been a better dad if he had kids at a later stage. 19 was very young to start and being forced to settle with a woman he didn't want to be with, I think was the trigger to so much mess. (even though he cheated). I am glad that younger men are more careful and better at protecting themselves from these problems.

[RobT312]

If you are doing it for yourself as well, then i think it works. I have done it to better myself and also impress the person i love. Im not talking about things that change me, just little things like accomplishments, working harder, looking good, etc that i want to do anyways but she gave me the incentive to do it

[menina]

That is so f****d up! I'm glad you were able to realize that he wasn't a good man. That's not something you do when you love someone.

I've never done that. If someone loves you, they will accept you the way you are.

[dustybiker]

If we change ourselves we become something they didn’t fall in love with. Probably smarter to ask if they even want that out of us, first.

[lilyanony1]

Fair enough. I've not needed to do that with anyone since. I've not wanted to either.

[dustybiker]

I wasn’t nitpicking. Just speaking generally.

[lilyanony1]

It's OK I didn't think you was. Just letting you know

[NathanDavis]

I've been working and improving for myself and on myself... but never did it for others, well not someone in particular... I've done it for myself and everyone in my life as a result, and I did it because it was absolutely needed and a must, certainly not to impress or to be liked by someone

it's just a natural process of life, to me anyway

[TaureanBull81]

I have yeah with an exGF and thought I'm pretending to be someone when I'm not and so was glad when the relationship ended.

You shouldn't have to change for anyone when you know you're a good person 😊👌

[lilyanony1]

A lesson I learned the hard way.
He was nasty and made nasty comments. He constantly put me down subtly and overtly.
He wasn't a nice guy.
Im glad you realised who she was. It took me 11 years to wake up from my nonsense.

[TaureanBull81]

People like your ex and mine will never change because deep down they're insecure and have mental health issues.

The main thing you're free from his control and can restart your life now 😊👍

[lilyanony1]

Indeed indeed.
I had a lot of therapy over the years.
I realised that abuse is something I'd been dealing with from a young age.
In forms of neglect, manipulation... Consequently I was like game of chess for him. He saw me coming from a mile off...
Thank you for being so kind. All the best going forward. X

[TaureanBull81]

You sought out help and realised that you needed it so hats 👒 off to you because many people do not.

Karma will come full circle 🔵 for your exBF... you wait! Someone in the future will treat him very poorly.

No worries @lilyanony1 and you're welcome to keep in touch.

[lilyanony1]

You know the sad thing is I never wish him any harm. I think he came from a broken home, I think he may have been abused himself or at least shown that's how to treat a women. Whatever his issue I actually hope he learns to do and be a better person. Noone else deserves to be treated that way. And if he truly did love me at all in his twisted way, him seeing me move on and prosper in life should be significant.

[TaureanBull81]

You can only hope that he seeks the help and support he needs and realises that he's lost a good woman by his side.

A good guy will snap you up in the future 😉

[BLP11520]

Lifting weights diet and exercise recently has made me slimmer and stronger. I have an issue with blood pressure. No booze, watch the salt recent doctors visit and I still have to take medication. My BMI is excellent I have been told I work too hard, workaholics run in my family. I am trying to be more friendly in 2022 which has actually bit me in the rear end, but I am learning who my friends are.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, once. It taught me to NEVER do that again lol. It wasn't all bad though because it got me to take more of an effort in my appearance. And when you feel better about yourself you hold your head higher. I did find myself being approached by OTHER women because of it I think.

[Fireguy17]

nope, I try to improve myself for me.
That way I am who I want to be, not someone who isn't who they want to be just for someone else.
That never works.
You either like me for who I am, or you don't.
It's just that simple.

[Redstang88]

Not at all at her request, but I my last ex definitely made me want to clean up my act and get my shit together. We both had changed we wanted to make, she definitely inspired me work a lot harder at it

[DCowboy4747]

Yes I have and it blew up in my face. I was not happy trying to be the person she wanted me to be and in the end it wound up shattering the relationship.

[Massageman]

Not really. It's seldom- if ever- recognized anyway.

[OddBeMe]

My first girlfriend made me redo my entire wardrobe.

Out with the Jnco jeans and in with the Ralph Lauren. God bless her…

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I want a woman who wants me the way I am, and not for a woman who wants me to change for her.

[Anonymous]

Judgmental people will judge you no matter what.