My boyfriend forgot I had surgery today?

[Anonymous]

Guys I am quite upset. It seems a lot of the time my boyfriend doesn't really pay attention to me, like he's lazy.

He's loyal, gives me words of affirmations and takes me out on dates. He insisted I meet his mum after 3 months of dating and is insisting on meeting my family this Christmas.

He wants to get me a ring early next year too (I think he's moving way too fast but he's trying to be religious I guess. We argued about this countless of times where he says he's going at my pace but I don't feel listened to).

I had surgery booked for today and I told him about it when I found out 2 weeks ago, last week and the day before yesterday. I expressed just how anxious I was and he completely forgot today.

I slept early last night hinting that I had to be up early and he said nothing. I texted him today saying he forgot about my surgery and I'm tired and won't be able to talk and he said 'Sure sleep well <3', no apology or anything.

It was also my birthday a couple of weeks ago and although he called me at 12am he didn't bother to send me a gift but says he wants to.

I feel very upset, can someone please offer me their advice?

Updates

1 y

We are LDR but he comes home every month or so and we see each other.

Updates

1 y

I tried to break up with him, he wouldn't allow it. We talked and he said he wants to work through everything.

[Finchie40]

I don’t really know your relationship with your boyfriend but from what I am reading from your side of things it sounds like you need to end things with this guy immediately and this is the time to do it or you will just be wasting Your time , this is hard to explain , so I will try my best to help you see why I am saying this , also my opinion is just how I am seeing things. The fact that your boyfriend completely forgot about your surgery is your answer to end things and the other

Things you mentioned as well , and the fact that your boyfriend is rushing things is a indication of a huge red flag , Your boyfriend can have this relationship all by himself , the problem is you aren’t really a priority to him , If you were his Priority he would so be by your side during your surgery , so you aren’t wrong for being upset , bottom line , words mean nothing without action , if you choose to stay with this guy you are just wasting your time and missing out on someone that would actually prioritize you , Again your boyfriend can have this relationship all by himself and it will always be about him , truth hurts but you will never experience true love being with someone like this , Words mean shit without Action , Him not being by your side is your answer to kick his ass to the curb , When someone can’t put everything on hold to be by your side they just like the convenience of you , never fall for that nonsense of being used because you are only wasting Your time missing out on what you deserve. I was friends with a
Girl that I was attracted to but she had a boyfriend so I never made a move on her, She would vent to me on how he treated her , and I always took it as this is her side of the story so in a sense I put myself in his shoes and pretty much gave her advice on why he might be acting that way towards her even though I didn’t know her boyfriend and wasn’t trying to break them up because I didn’t want to be that guy that was a rebound like I would save the day. But as a friend I put myself in her and his shoes. Eventually she found out that she had a tumor in her brain and called me to tell me , I felt so bad for her and prayed for her , when she went to the hospital for surgery I sent her a Get well
Card and flowers not thinking that her boyfriend would get upset by it having another guy sending her flowers so I told her girlfriend to make sure her boyfriend doesn’t see it because it could make him jealous and suspicious , Her girlfriend said he never showed up to the hospital to be by her side , which to me was so fucked up , Her girlfriend put me on the phone with her so she could thank me for the flowers and card and then she asked me if I could come see her , I said what if your boyfriend shows up and I am there? She said I don’t care cuz apparently he doesn’t care about me. So I went to the hospital to be by her side , me her boyfriend never showed up After her surgery and everything went well she dumped her boyfriend and showed up to my house in a skimpy outfit to fuck my brains out, we had amazing sex and she confessed to me that I was the best guy to ever enter into her life that actually had a heart. Her and I become boyfriend and girlfriend and we had an amazing time together, until she passed away Being with her has taught me to prioritize your partner no matter what , Love only grows when 2 people remove selfishness and prioritize each other , making each other feel anted and valued , when you don’t have that with someone you are just wasting your time

[Asker]

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend... that must've been so hard.
Thanks for your kind words. They help a lot.

[Finchie40]

Yes it was very hard , one of those things that makes you look at life a whole different way , why it’s important to love the ones you got because before you know it they could be gone ,. To answer
Your update , Don’t do it , don’t fall for his manipulative tricks , he already showed his true colors by not being by your side , It will be a
Matter of time before he does that to you again , trust me on that , You deserve better , you are just wasting your time. with someone like this sorry to say

[Screenwriter]

Hon, you'd better RUN THE OTHER WAY away from this guy. "He wouldn't allow" you to break up with him!!! Not only is he an asshole, he's a controlling asshole! Just ghost him and cut yourself off from him. Block him on phone etc. This bodes ill for your future. Get a restraining order if you need to. He sounds like the kind of man you'll need one to keep safe from. I don't think he's religious at all. He doesn't respect you and those who live walking the good path respect others. Find a good therapist and get away from this disaster. Please. For your own good, sanity and happiness.

[Asker]

Thank you guys

[SteveSmith1985]

Well first of all, I hope your surgery went well. I hope you're feeling a bit better now than when you first got home.

I think it's perfectly fair to be upset. My jaw actually dropped open when I read your question title. There's really no good excuse for a boyfriend to forget his girlfriend's surgery. That's true even without all the reminders. But, the very worst part of all, was the lack of apology for forgetting!

That's... really messed up. I have trouble picturing the guy who would react that way AFTER you told him he forgot about your surgery. At that point, how can he not have an "ohhh shiiiiit!" moment when he feels awful for having forgot?

I can actually give you some advice. I don't know anything about you, or him or your relationship aside from what you wrote here. Nevertheless, it's painfully clear that you need to slow things down.

He's not listening to you when you explain the pace you're happy/comfortable with the relationship moving. It's not a valid option to LET him 'not hear you' when you're telling him the pace at which you want things to move.

This is maybe the most important thing for you to "speak up about" in your whole life. You're talking about moving too fast... to get engaged and get married. That's not something you want to fuck around with. It's pretty important so far as "life" goes. It's important enough to make sure "what you want" is factored-in.

Additionally, you're going to want to fix this whole "not being listened to/heard" thing with ANY guy before you get engaged to him.

You need to have a long talk and explain what it is you want, and make sure you're heard.

That is my advice. (also sorry your boyfriend acted like a dummy today) Good luck 🙂

[NavyblueTacos]

this is a great answer

[SteveSmith1985]

I hope it helps. You really do need to have that talk and make sure he hears you. Hope you're feeling a bit better today (with both the recovering and the boyfriend)

[NavyblueTacos]

I hope she does as well, if thats what you mean :)

[SteveSmith1985]

@NavyblueTacos that is exactly what I mean!

It's funny. I was confused when looking at my feed. I don't know why exactly, but I really like your screename. I thought to myself "how do I not remember noticing that wicked screename when I saw the original question?" Now it all makes sense. Thank you. 🙂

[NavyblueTacos]

Hahah thank you !

[Asker]

Thank you so much.

[SteveSmith1985]

@itsalyssaagain No problem. Hope you're feeling better, and that you two have worked this out

[SteveSmith1985]

@itsalyssaagain

This is abusive.

"I tried to break up with him, he wouldn't allow it. We talked and he said he wants to work through everything."

That is not how a breakup works. He can't not 'let you' breakup. If he tries, that's an abusive partner. It's literally textbook abuse. I hope you leave him. He has no say in the matter, if you make the decision you two are breaking up. This is fucked. Get out of there. (DM me anytime if you'd care to talk)

Your update is upsetting

[Asker]

Thank you

[SteveSmith1985]

@itsalyssaagain you're welcome, but... have you managed to leave him? If not, have you got plans to? (I hope so)

[Asker]

I don’t know. I feel so lost

[SteveSmith1985]

I think we should have a chat. Would you be ok to talk over messaging?

[Asker]

Sure

[SteveSmith1985]

@itsalyssaagain I can't message you until you 'accept my follow'. But, if you message me first at the same that would be great. I look forward to chatting 🙂

[OlderAndWiser]

Why are you still with this guy?

[Asker]

I am afraid I won't find better.

[OlderAndWiser]

That is a poor reason to stay in a relationship.

[Screenwriter]

OOooF. Cut to the chase!!! ahahahahahaha!!!

[Screenwriter]

You need to work on your self-esteem! Why wouldn't you find someone better? He doesn't sound like any prize in the first place. .. Doesn't listen to you etc... Get a grip girl. Kisses.. And listen to Older and Wiser.

[Asker]

Thank you…I guess I’ve just had really bad experiences when it comes to relationships. He’s the best I’ve ever had 🤦🏻‍♀️

[OlderAndWiser]

You need to keep trying. There are plenty of guys better than this!

[Asker]

Thank you

[Screenwriter]

Unless you're 60 and you've had dozens of boyfriends and he's the best, I wouldn't throw in the towel for HIM! Heavens. He's no prize. Yuck.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

My advice is that I've never heard a story like this where the marriage ended well without a shaman eventually getting the couple to trip balls together in their 40's

I think that you need to really, really think about what the good and bad qualities of this guy are, and ask yourself if you can live with those qualities for the rest of your life, locked in with kids.

Because a divorce sucks. It sucks bad for everyone. As in your kids won't be able to comprehend how bad it is for you and their father and you guys won't be able to understand what you're putting your kids through.

So really try to envision the natural progression of your relationship with this man and what you would have to do to make it work without assuming he's going to change. Assume you're going to have to change because he will change very little and to be honest, he sounds like the kind of guy with a mind that goes a mile a minute and gets overwhelmed.

So I'm sure he's going to value you, but ask yourself how you want to be valued and if just being loved in of itself is good enough for you. Because it's not for most people and they don't always realize it until it's too late.

[Tanisha69]

Girl this guy is showing a lot of red flags. If you continue with this relationship you will have no one to blame but yourself if things go badly. I would suggest at the minimum you need to sit him down and have a long talk. To be frank if this were my situation I would consider ending things. Just too many warning bells... a boyfriend is NOT supposed to forget his gfs surgery. Especially without an apology. Are you sure he's not screwing around on you? If not he is at least very insensitive.

[Asker]

He's coming back soon, I'll talk to him about in person.

[Máiiréad]

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he really respects how you feel. You don’t feel listened to/heard.
It concerns me how he didn’t even ask you how you were feeling. Saying he “wants” to send you a gift but doesn’t? What the heck is that?

Just from you asking this question, I know you are unhappy in this relationship... he doesn’t sound like he values/appreciates you. It is up to you on how long you are willing to tolerate feeling this way.

[Asker]

I am unhappy but afraid I won't find better.

[savagewolf22]

@maiiread

Very well said but she is blind in love she doesn't have balls to take stand for her self-respect.

[weysally]

rubbish, don't think that way, you seem a sensitive you lady, and I bet the boys would que up to date you, it's not about the birthday gift, my husband and I have never given each other a birthday present, it's what happens the year round, little things that mean a lot, take us, I could take a bath, I hear a knock on the door, my husband brings me a nice cup of tea,

[Asker]

@weysally That's so sweet and thoughtful

[savagewolf22]

Absolutely she is beautiful guy will go on knees for figure like her

[Screenwriter]

Anyone who forgets a small gift on your birthday and can't remember you're having surgery, minor or not, is some kind of fuckup. Says he "wants to" send you a gift? And why does he call you at midnight? An ordinary morning call the day of the birthday seems good enough. And the smallest thoughtful gift: a rose.. ... is enough.

The fact that you say he's "rushing" things and doesn't listen to you are serious indicators that this isn't the person for you.

[Screenwriter]

Ohhh.. Long distance. The death dealer of relationships everywhere. Well, of course he forgot. This is the third reason to not continue with this. A relationship requires presence. Not visits. If you aren't both in the same town, living in close proximity, you can't carry on an intimate relationship via phone, text and email.

I spoke with a man who lived 25 miles away and THAT was too far. Who drives 50 miles to go on a date? It's not doable. Weather, gas costs, illness, work, school, medical appointments will all get in the way. You have two sets of friends. You can't hang out as ordinary people do: see a film together, go out for coffee: all these are how friendships and relationships build.

[Asker]

I also think that's a major factor into why he wants to become serious quickly. He wants us to be in close proximity to each other. You're right though...

[Screenwriter]

If it's not happening naturally, there's no way to force this by a jump to a wedding. You should date casually and regularly. If you can't, then this isn't going to happen. LDRs are terrible because they truthfully can't be maintained unless you've known each other in person for years. The basis has to develop naturally. With LD, this isn't possible. Meet someone who is THERE. Who isn't is a rush. so you can relax into a good relationship.

[Asker]

I see…

[Screenwriter]

I hope that makes sense to you. And I wish you good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Honestly I can get the feeling to a degree. My supposed closest friend has forgotten mine 2 years in a row now. And it really hurts that she did so. Not to mention I sent what was bothering me in a message as our friendship hasn't really been there for a while now. Some of its my fault but more on her as she hasn't made any effort to try to contact me in a year. But then forgetting 2 years in a row. And then not reading the message at all just sucks.

All I can say is talk about it with him see where that gets you.

And I'm sorry he did both of those. He should have made sure to remember to check in tommake sure you were okay and maybe even a message before plus. He shouldn't have forgotten a birthday that just makes you feel unimportant and that. I hopemyour okay and you could enjoy your birthday though.

[Asker]

I really recommend dropping friends that don't reciprocate your energy and effort. I felt the loneliest I had ever felt in my entire life when I had rubbish friends. After dropping them, it's like entering a new chapter in my life and now I am assertive about my needs with my other friends. You don't have to stick with them even if you've known them your entire life.

[Opinion Owner]

I honestly have considered it. I don't have many friends and struggle to make them so I'm going to try and have that friendship repaired. As in some parts I am responsible. But I would at least want her to acknowledge where she was wrong. I have some stuff of hers I still need to drop off including her birthday and Christmas gift. I tried to ask if I could she wants to pick them up so it's easier on me. But tbh I don't want my family near this as they have been on and on about how I need to be making an effort to maintain friends.

Essentially I was making her feel stressed about spending time with me. As I always was apologising for bothering her or my anxiety getting the better of em. But she in someways caused that as it's always been me to contact her first. And honestly I've never had many friends last long they normally move on from me.

[Opinion Owner]

Or I have left as it wansnt good for me anymore.

[Asker]

Make new friends. It's completely normal to be meeting new people and evolving at our age. I felt so bad for dropping my old friends because they've all I've known my entire life but I've accepted that I've outgrown the friendship and it's negative energy holding me back.

[Opinion Owner]

I'll try but honestly it does scare me. I'm 23 and honestly have no idea how I made friends or how to do so. All my life I moved between groups either when they stopped caring or when they drove me off.

I will try though.

[Asker]

It will happen naturally when you put yourself in more and more social situations. Take it one step at a time :)

[Opinion Owner]

Tha k you, your very kind to say that.

[Opinion Owner]

It's okay to want to work through it. But from your wording it suggests that maybe he wouldn't accept a break up which is slightly worrying.

[Asker]

It is a bit worrying but he says it’s cause he loves me

[Opinion Owner]

I mean that would make sense if he hadn't forgotten and down player all fk it. But it depends on your feelings and all of that.

[Asker]

We broke up so all good haha

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sorry that you lost that partnership but I'm glad you broke up with a bad partner. Sounds weird I know but hopefully it makes sense.

[Asker]

Thank you. It’s alright I’m actually feeling good about it! Obviously I have my dad moments/days here and there. But I’m happy with my decision :)

[Opinion Owner]

That's really great I'm happy for you. You deserve someone who cares about you and makes an effort I'm sure you will find them as well.

[NathanDavis]

it is time to call it quits, do not waste more time nor more of yourself on someone who does not even have the minimum care or courtesy for you... as simple as that

you should be working on caring for yourself too, because the main reason why he does this to you is because you let him do this to you

[RealMarek]

Odds are strong that he won’t change. I see a lot of reasons for concern here and they all sum up to: he doesn’t listen to you. You can do better. You might have to meet a lot of different guys before you find the right one, but there are men out there who will treat you well.

[RealMarek]

I aaw your update: “... he wouldn’t allow it.” Well, that’s a red flag. It’s your choice, not his! If you want to break up with him you can do it. If he won’t honor your decision that’s proof that he doesn’t respect you.

[Rockstarrrrr]

That's just awful... When my friend had surgery I couldn't sleep the day before and kept checking on them even though they had many other people around... you're his girlfriend and he also claims he " loves " you and wants to marry you.. And he doesn't care that much about something like that? Even other stuff like your birthday? okay, you probably already know this is not good...

[Curiosity2006]

Was this a cosmetic surgery? If so, it could be he doesn't approve of it and thus probably his carelessness. Just guessing.

[Asker]

No it was a health one.

[Curiosity2006]

Then that's messed up XDDD
Sorry, meant weird. Something's off don't you think?

[Asker]

Definitely is... I was so nervous as well.

[Curiosity2006]

Any suspicions of him not being faithful? If you know what I mean.

[Asker]

Not at all

[Curiosity2006]

Nor is he overwhelmed by work / studying? Merely suggesting.

[Asker]

Yes definitely overwhelmed with studying

[Curiosity2006]

Well, studying can be a pain in the gut. Especially high education. At one point one can say to hell with everything, which is understandable. This could be 'one' of the reasons why it slipped his mind.

[Asker]

I guess so. It could be :/

[Curiosity2006]

If you genuinely wish to separate, he should respect that! Do you still want tofix things up (say like 20% of how you feel) or did he purely and utterly force you into keeping it together?

[Asker]

He said some really nice things to me and he said he loves me and that’s why he wants to work things out. He said whatever happens we go through it together not alone.

[Curiosity2006]

And are you okay with that? I mean, it's really up to you. The thing is, the word you employed "allow it" is rather deep and harsh. He Does Not get to force you into something you don't desire, is what I mean. As oppose to disagreeing politely and offering possible solutions.
Why do you wish to break up with him I wonder?

[Asker]

I guess he really just didn’t allow it. He insisted we stay together because he’s in love with me and doesn’t see a future with anybody else but me.

[Curiosity2006]

Alrighty, apparently you're approving of that then. Since again, he doesn't get to coerce you into anything.

[Asker]

I really don’t know. I feel lost

[Sparkie460]

I think next time you are together with him you need to sit down and talk to him heart to heart. Tell him exactly how you feel about his actions towards you. I think the saying " out of sight out of mind " is true. He doesn't see you all the time so you're not on his mind all the time. I think if you were closer things would be different. He seems absent minded.

[Hardworkingguy]

Well if your boyfriend forgot about something as important as a surgery for you I think it's a clear sign that he doesn't really care about you and you should probably find someone better because if a Man loves a woman he will definitely be worried about her safety and well-being

[sheikalana]

Girl, most men don't pay attention or don't care about what we say.

[Asker]

Exactly my issue... this is the best guy I've dated.

[courtney06]

Run for the hills. He sounds like someone who will keep treating you bad then dump you and try to make you think you did something wrong. Get away and don't look back.

[Wise4myage]

Not good, he is treating you like an after thought.

[Asker]

Whats an after thought?

[Wise4myage]

It means your second choice to him.

[Asker]

Whats first choice?

[Wise4myage]

possibly some other girl.

[Asker]

Doesn't seem like it... he's pushing me into marriage.

[Wise4myage]

I don't see that.

[exitseven]

Yes, I was in the hospital for almost a month and my girlfriend never even sent me a card. You should dump this guy. It will not get any better.

[dustybiker]

Doesn't sound like you are his top priority. Is that worth dating?

[Mangospacho]

I remember being with someone who never cared about these kinds of things like when I was sick. That’s why she’s my ex.

[Mangospacho]

Your boyfriend not allowing you to break up with him sounds like a toxic relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're dumb enough to understand his behaviour.

[Asker]

I don't but he insists he's in love with me.

[Opinion Owner]

You're 25 believe in your intelligence... don't get fooled by sweet words.

[Asker]

I don't believe he's in love with me and when I asked him why he loves me he said he's not good with words. But he wants to marry me and he kinda forced me into meeting his mum and wants to meet my family. What does he want?

[Opinion Owner]

Did you spread your legs for him?

[Asker]

We are waiting until marriage.

[Opinion Owner]

From how many years you know eachother?

[Asker]

Since July of this year

[Opinion Owner]

Just 4 month & ldr?
And you guys are planning for marriage? Are you fucking crazy?

[Asker]

I think he is!!

[Opinion Owner]

Than why you're giving him hopes? Dude you're playing with fire

[Guardian45]

Hhhmmmm. My spidey-sense is tingling! I DON'T like what you're saying. I think there is more to this story than he is telling you!