Hi, I've (32) been with my girlfriend (34) almost 2 and a half years.
She tells me that she has this emotional need. This involves me needing to regularly ask her deep questions, inquire about her past, tell her about mine etc, otherwise she doesn't feel fulfilled in the relationship regardless of anything else that we do. Every so often is fine, and I have done so. But she says she needs this weekly/bi-weekly, and that I must initiate the conversation. Yet when we have these conversations, she proceeds to dominate them. I have to listen, if I do anything wrong (interrupt when I shouldn't, say the wrong thing etc) she gets angry and shuts down. It has become such a focus of our relationship, and I am finding very difficult (like I am always walking on eggshells). Personally I don't have much emotional stuff that I want to talk about, and usually when I do it happens organically. If we go 3-4 weeks without having these chats she often critiscises me and calls me a robot (no emotions). I state that if this need is so great, that she should initiate these conversations and choose the subject she wishes to address at a time when she feels like having one. This seems sensible to me but she wouldn't have it, told me that I should want to do it so show that I care.
She has previously told me she has a fearful avoidant attachment style and this need arises from this. I myself am pretty secure in my emotions and find this situation tiring and frustrating. I go from feeling I may be broken in some way (as I don't have many needs that I cannot meet myself) to feeling her demands are too much. I believe if she wants this need met she should either put in the effort to initiate these conversations, have some of it met my friends/family, or start visiting a therapist. What I am asking is, is this demand/need of hers a healthy thing? Should I be better at meeting it? Or are we just too incompatible in this area to make it work?
What Girls Said
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to go deep in a conversation, but it should happen more naturally and not be forced. It’s possible there’s something she’s dealing with that she hopes can be resolved by talking about with you instead of with a therapist. It’s also possible she’s anxious about how serious the relationship is or is not (read: has the subject of marriage been brought up?)
Has it been like this all throughout the whole relationship or just recently?
Hi, yes it has been like this since our 3rd month together. She has mentioned past traumas to do with her childhood and previous relationships but hasn't divulged much information. Personally I feel a trained therapist would be the best person to talk to, but at the very least if she wants to talk to me about it she should initiate the conversation.
People like her are a great example of why it’s so very important to heal from past trauma before getting into a relationship. She’s never fully recovered from those things, and as a result you’re paying for what another guy did which is not ok. You’re right, therapy should be at least worth a shot. But if she has no desire to take care of her mental health then honestly I’d break up if I were you. I’m sure you love her but walking on eggshells is not right.