How do I meet the right man? How will I know which man is the right man if I met 3 good ones?

[Anonymous]

I’ve tried dating sites and I mostly seem to keep getting handsome men wanting sex, two of whom used to be friends of mine, desperate current male friends and a lesbian friend wanting a relationship when I’m not gay. I’ve met two good men on the Asperger’s dating site. One is a Scotsman and two are American. Neither are handsome but both have good hearts and seem to want more than sex. They’re not bad looking, but they’ have every other quality I seek in a man. I don’t want straight sex anymore. I want to be a one man woman. Fall in love, marry and have a family.

[MrOracle]

First, in my opinion, finding a real, genuine relationship on a dating site is nearly impossible. You can find hookups quite easily, but most men who are looking for real relationships are NOT on the apps. You have to actually get out of the house and meet them out in the real world.

Second, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to "date" someone long-distance. LD dating is an illusion, and will really just waste months and years of your life on something that 99.5% of the time will ultimately go nowhere.

Third, if you want a real relationship, you're going to have to pick men prioritizing on their morals, values, and life-goals, and NOT on their looks. Men who are handsome can attract nearly ALL women, which means such a man has thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women available to him, and he's likely to pick a younger and prettier girl because he CAN. But a LOT of those men are also not interested in real relationships at all, and are just looking for casual sex, and even the ones who would consider a relationship are so used to having endless choices with women that they are selfish and narcissistic and can't sustain a long relationship.

As a general rule, the men who are truly "relationship men" are men in the middle - the men who are 3-7s, not the 8s, 9s, and 10s, looks-wise and overall attraction-wise. These are the men you need to be looking for and focusing on if a real, long-lasting relationship is what you are looking for. Even then, the 6s and 7s still have some options, especially if they are reasonably successful and have above-average incomes (as a reference, the average adult male in the US makes $48,000/year), so you're going to have to have plenty of things to offer those man to get a relationship - and they have to be things those men value. Obviously they need to have things YOU value, but just as you get to pick which things those are, THEY get to pick which things THEY value, and if you can't provide them, they'll be moving on to the next woman.

I strongly recommend that you only date LOCAL men - men who live no more than 20 minutes from you via whatever form of transportation is common where you live - because you will want to be able to spend lots of time with them, and once the distance apart exceeds about 20 minutes, the amount of time you will spend together really plummets, and this often causes relationships to fail.

Is this more work than sitting in front of the TV swiping on you phone? Absolutely! But it's FAR more likely to result in a positive outcome, while swiping on an app has an extremely low likelihood of success. By definition, dating apps have no motivation to cause successful pairings, because they make money by you spending lots of time in the app. If they find you a partner, you no longer need the app, and they lose money. Thus, they've designed apps to give the ILLUSION of options, but NOT to create much success - and this design has been hugely profitable for them, and not very successful for the app users. Yet, people have been convinced that dating apps are the way to go, because the up-front investment is low. That's a lie and a manipulation, but it makes the Match Group billions of dollars a year, so it won't change anytime soon.

[Iron_Man]

You meet one man at a time and time will tell if he’s the right guy for you you’re wasting your time and the other guys Time by doing a lot of dating all at once this is not the TV show the bachelor.

[Asker]

Thank Christ it’s not the bachelor. I hate that show. Except the bit where a guy got a woman’s name wrong and had to be corrected. That was actually funny.

[Iron_Man]

Right lol

[Iron_Man]

Thanks for most helpful Award

[Guy13]

This seems like a reasonable set of goals and aspirations. Have you tried www.meetup.com ? There are tons of hobbies and shared interest groups there.

[Asker]

Yes Ben. I’ve met lots of men who are obsessed with money and work. They’re real yuppies. I didn’t have problems attracting them, physically, but as soon as I opened my mouth and started talking about my desire to help people, people were dropping like flies. It didn’t help that my friend I’ll call Jack was telling everyone that he works in a sheltered workshop for people with disabilities. Man was I humiliated and furious. Anyway, the Aspies at the dating site are either hot and uninterested, too young or too disabled. The others non Aspie men are boring and pretentious. The first thing I did when I left the Irish pub that night was buy two tubs of chocolate and caramel salted mousse and ate it very fast. Naomi thought it was hilarious. Things like that always are when they happen to other people.

[Asker]

Oh mustn’t forget the pub night with my bestie where we were surrounded by Indian men in polyester shirts, seeking a shag. Dinner out my arse. The noise was unbearable in the bar and the number of snobs wanting a shag and Indian men was.. well, it was bad. I made snide remarks about them to Naomi and we ended up eating Japanese and frozen yoghurt at Town Hall.

[ShiftingMonke]

I'm not suggesting you settle, but holding out for every single aspect of what you currently desire might be a fools errand; especially since have the struggle of a dating is finding someone who wants you just as much.

Even then, in a long term relationship, you will both change. Slightly, yes, but you will both change, and you can't guarantee you'll change together in the same direction. What you once enjoyed, you may grow to hate after a few years. So being malleable is probably more favorable.

[Asker]

I see the wisdom in what you’re saying. Basically, don’t settle, personality wise, but be willing to compromise on the less important things, like choosing the intelligent, sensitive, ordinary looking guys over the hottest guys when they’re stupid, only after sex or unstable, when I’m not a supermodel or model myself.

[Asker]

I’m not gorgeous. Or rich. I’m just an ordinary person myself. Vaguely pretty. Intelligent, kind.

[ShiftingMonke]

I'm certainly not going to comment on your level of attraction; I'm just saying, I got married young. My wife was also young. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did truly love her. No one could convince me otherwise. But things change, people change. We grew apart and eventually it failed.

My love for her was no less genuine; at that point in time, she was who I wanted. Then we both became persons who we no longer loved as we did.

You are right though, the hottest guys now may be looking pretty rough in 20 years. You've gotta play the long game if you want a long term relationship.

I'd prefer a ugly woman who is intelligent, funny, and generous over a supermodel with the intelligence of warm pudding. I think most decent men would agree. Besides; even if you're a supermodel, giving the average guys a chance nets you massive bonus points and they'll think they won the lottery with you.

[HappyWoman34]

I’m just garden variety style pretty. But it seems that the hotter guys often are the least stable. Not always true of course.

[ShiftingMonke]

@HappyWoman34 (me, being mid to low attractive) hear, hear! All the hot guys are nuttier than squirrel shit, I concur!

[HappyWoman34]

Yeah, the ones I’ve met were. The rest are married to rich/beautiful women.

[HappyWoman34]

They get married, have a perfect marriage, with perfect kids and live in a perfect house with perfect jobs and live happily ever after. That’s why I avoid affluent beachside suburbs. Inevitably, my friends and I feel fat, dumpy and wrinkly compared to all the princesses gliding along the street and princes, that look like perfect Barbies and Kens. All of us get a bit jealous.. lol

[ShiftingMonke]

@HappyWoman34 the plastic barbies deform and melt in the sun.

Just saying.

[HappyWoman34]

Lol true

[HappyWoman34]

I’ll try to remind us of that next time we’re in those areas

[ShiftingMonke]

@HappyWoman34 do it.

Also; did Ken have the Kung-Fu grip? No, he had boat shoes and weak little flippers for hands. He was great for reshaping your investment portfolio, useless at everything else.

No, G. I. Joe was where it was at. All combat knives and real simulated shaving stubble and PTSD, that's where it was at.

What as the original question even about?

[HappyWoman34]

Lol you’re amusing😊. It’s so true, too.

[ShiftingMonke]

@HappyWoman34 I'm glad you noticed! You earned a follow, welcome to the shit show!

[Asker]

😂👍. Take a bow, shiftingMonke

[ShiftingMonke]

Thank you for noticing! I hope you were entertained as well!

[Sunssong]

Create a list of characteristics that you want most. Point out the top 4 characteristics and then measure your dates up against them. When picking someone you are looking for predictability. Habitual traits are predictable. A person's past many times tell you their habits.

[Fireguy17]

you will just know when it is the right person.
As to where do you go to meet them good luck with that one.
I have fallen facefirst and found the right person by pure luck, and I have done on line dating, eHarmony and found someone as well.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆 good luck.