Did I betray him?

[Anonymous]

My SO and I have been together for 7 years and we have a child together. The last year has been the worst we have ever gone through although the relationship has been extremely rocky from the start. I’m honestly starting to think we have a trauma bond with one another. He is extremely mentally, emotionally, and has at times become physically abusive.

I know how bad the relationship is, but I have no support, no family, and he has essentially made it impossible for me to leave. Anyways the betrayal he is referring to, is that I secretly had an abortion and did not tell him. I found out I was pregnant immediately, I was 3 weeks 6 days along and I decided to take the abortion pill that starts your period and sheds the lining.

I feel extremely guilty and ashamed of myself and very sad but I knew my birth control failed and I knew I was scared and couldn’t stomach bringing another innocent child into this life. All I could think about was killing myself so I wouldn’t have to endure the abuse from him while taking care of another baby.

When he found out he threw a chair at my head and then later came back and said he was sorry and that he wanted to work it out because he loved me. So I’ve been trying and trying but I don’t know what to do. He yells at me everyday about what I did and how I was selfish and I just take it because I suppose I was selfish, I was thinking about what was best for me and my body and my mental health and the fact I already have a child to take care of.

He says he will never forgive me for it but wants to be together and that he just needs be to support him and his feelings and I’ve tried. He doesn’t want to be touched, kissed, hugged, or told I love you. He keeps saying I need to be positive for him. And I don’t know how or what to do to I guess ease the betrayal and help him….

so I guess, do you think this is something that is unforgivable? Is there a way to mend the brokenness?

[quaranta]

Holy shit, this is insanely extreme... You must leave, because not only you're so manipulated you're "on his side" against your own self, but you are letting him destroy the childhood of your kids as well. And this is YOUR responsibility, because you decided to give them this father, knowing how he is. They don't have any way to escape because they are kids, they don't know the world. You have to rescue them, as soon as possible, or they will grow up either spoiled or violent and abusive too (against you as well), pretty much granted.

It's not possible to recover your relationship and it's not true it was rock solid, you were rock solid in resisting there, while he was trying with all his possible efforts to destroy your psyche and the relationship itself.
Love is care first of all, he says he loves you because it means he "wants" you, as in he wants his slave to stay there. Where is the care? Connection, complicity? Where is the you? Why is this "love" giving you the opposite of what it should, like feeling cared, understood, supported, encouraged, safe and happy? He is just manipulating you with words (and he succeeded).

The relationship was over already when you were so scared of him you had to hide the fact you had an abortion, which underlines a very insane level of disconnection in that relationship, and a complete lack of trust. But a relationship is first of all made of mutual trust and can't work without that, and when it's so broken to that degree I don't think there is much else to do here. I don't think even couple therapy can improve this situation, to be honest.
Plus, not only he can't change any time soon without any therapy and willpower (that would anyway take at least 10 years to start seeing small improvements, which doesn't even mean a healthy situation), but you even fuel him, you believe him, you reward his games, you think you are even guilty, as if you even owe him something or have to feel guilty at all, or even find acceptable that after all this he requests you to be positive at him. And what you are doing here is asking us to help you winning back an abuser? Sorry but really nobody is going to side with him and to help you getting even more abused, by playing his guilt trip game.
Further, doesn't he recognize by himself why you had to protect babies from him, avoiding giving them an abusive father? Does he somehow consider himself a proper nurturing parent or some wild shit like that?
Maybe the real reason he is offended is because he KNOWS the why you had to have an abortion, he KNOWS he is a horrible person and he is offended you had to take measures against that. And is trying to make you feel guilty, to not feel guilty himself, because you are his trashbin. This man will absolutely never bear any minimum responsibility over any situation, set that on stone.

For your own safety, but especially for your kids, you have to escape, it's not true he "made it impossible", you're his ally in destroying yourself and that is why you say that. There is for sure a way but you refuse to take it in consideration. That is why you need to reach out external help here.
To escape, you don't need money. You need to call an association for women in your city, they listen to these problems and were created precisely for cases like yours. They can offer you a series of options to pull you out, even legal actions if you will, but also temporary safety until you find another place to stay. In my city they offer you a "secret bed", which means you can stay there for free, leaving any trace of you behind, and starting your next steps from there. If you can write on this website, you can also search the closest association in your area. Then you meet them while pretending to go for grocery, and if he tracks your location you meet them at the supermarket parking.

Please believe very hard that the average man is miles far from how your man is, and the average relationship as well. It's totally realistic to see the chance to get a relationship without yelling, violence and abuses, but probably you've been brought to think this is what you deserve and that is distorted as hell. This is at least not what your kids deserve, for sure, because they didn't ask to exist and they couldn't choose their father. You could.

[quaranta]

Oh and if you can't find services for women there could be family-consult centers, or associations for kids who come from a troubled past, or for disability (they are usually in contact with all these social services), where they can at least start managing your kids with some options like psychology sessions for them, activities to keep them away from home, and orienting you to useful contacts.

[Anonymous]

Honestly that relationship is beyond repair and you need to make a plan to get out. You’ve got a child to protect and this man sounds dangerous, he really does. There are women shelters and other outlets, check out the show Maid on Netflix, it’s based on the real woman’s story and is super motivating what she did to get away from her abuser.

[RavVid]

I think he had a right to know and it was betrayal. But you need to end this relationship ASAP. Just get the F out with your baby - there seems to be a first one.

[Guy13]

I am sorry that these things are happening to you. I hope it settles down and maybe talking to God may be helpful for you.

[LazerBean]

Smh what a shit show. You should have taken yourself and your kids to a shelter years ago. That said, if I had a kid with someone and they aborted it, I don't know if I could ever look at them again.

[Jdjfjcjj]

If I was him I'd definitely feel betrayed and would in all likelihood leave