Is it right that my mom thinks my boyfriend should always be paying for me and sharing everything with me?

[Anonymous]

I believe that relationships are 50/50 especially these days since the cost of living has gone up and secondly relationships should always involve both partners treating each other equally and taking care of each other and treating each other. Also if a couple is living together married or cohabitating both partners should contribute and there’s a better chance for a relationship to succeed like that and there won’t be any financial strain or resentments between the partners…….. So why would my mom think or expect that my boyfriend always pays for me?

ps - my boyfriend is a total sweetheart and gentleman to me and he’s an honest guy

Relationships are 50/50- mom is wrong

The man should be the caregiver and provider

Updates

1 y

My boyfriend makes more money than me but we both think it should be 50/50 regardless

[Finchie40]

I don’t know how old your Mom is but for the most part , her parents probably told her to find a man that can support her and take care of her cuz back then that’s how things were , Couples could live comfortably off of one income , So your Mom was probably raised thinking that way , There is nothing wrong with it but the reality of it is far fetched these days , To me, it’s better to find a partner that works together as a team over a partner relying on the other to pay for all the bills and all the expenses , the reason being is if something happened to one of you you both will be ok financially for the most part , I won’t date a girl that is relying on me to pay for everything, I rather be with a girl that is independent that can support herself if something happened to me , It doesn’t matter how much money she makes just as long as she has work ethic , Now if I landed a job making a shit ton of money enough to support
The both of us plus the kids , where we could live comfortably , then yes I rather her be at home taking care of the kids and the house , But realistically it’s better that she has a job as well and we work as a team , I dated mooches before and it got to a point where I was living paycheck to paycheck because she didn’t know how to budget money , Most girls have shopping spree built into them , where everything is on sale , shit we really didn’t need , to the point my stress level would go out the roof, to the point I could barely pay for the bills , I felt like I was working for nothing, cuz she would just buy dumb shit all the time to the point I had to put my foot down to her and
Tell her to stop going on shopping sprees , It always turns into a battle and butting heads over money, which to me is stupid as fuck cuz I am very content , I don’t need much to keep me comfortable as long as my bills are paid and I have a roof over my head and food inour mouths and clothes on my back and some beer on the weekends I am ok lol if she wants to go buy things for herself go for it just don’t screw us over , but when it gets to a point that we are scraping by I flip the fuck out lol I have always been a worker ever since I was a young kid I always had a job , My work ethic has gotten me to a comfortable level in life and everything I own is stuff I worked for so I don’t rely on anyone to take care of me
I am perfectly capable of Taking care of myself , when I meet a beautiful girl that is looking for a hand out I kick her to the curb where she belongs , just because she is attractive it doesn’t mean I want to take
Care of her ass if she isn’t bringing anything to the table she is worthless to me , Sadly so many girls today don’t want to work but the ones that do work are already taken or they are selling themselves like prostitution is legal all of a sudden or looking for Sugar Daddies and spreading their legs for any guy she feels she can gain something from , To the point morals is a thing from the past , After my divorce and entering the dating world has been a rollercoaster ride of craziness

[Unit1]

I have mighty respect for you just for forming your own opinion about this and going against outdated traditions.

You're good and practical and have a modern viewpoint about relationships. I like that.

If I have to take a guess, then I guess your mother is most likely stuck in the old times and has not gotten used to how both time and society progresses and how the world keeps changing and societies adapting to it.

[Unit1]

I also agree, that any type of going 50/50 (or be it 40/60 - it doesn't have to be perfectly balanced) comes with the benefit, that neither one feels resentment, used, strained, owed, objectified or any other uncomfortable associations, that naturally would occur.

[Juneberry91]

If your boyfriend is honest & good to you that is more then it’s worth then old fashion traditions that society has set. What do you set, what relationship you want, are you happy where you are. I provided yourself these questions you don’t really need added suggestions or opinions although I would be completely closed off to them just realize I’d recognize that you hold the power whether you will put them into practice or fling it out the window.

It’s important that both partners contribute into thier relationship, Finances and household. It’s also good to know that life does not work 50-50, There will be times We’re medical will put you in a position of doing 100%-80%, or let’s say you get laid off/ or you work less to push more through school he will be in the position to be a 75%.
Being in a relationship and then a healthy one will reveal itself in those times when things are not 50-50 due to circumstances & obstacle that come that call for change & adapt. It’s in those moments where will you find yourself doing more when you know that they’re down & they do the same for you that you have the best partner ever that won’t complain about the temporary off set of the 50/50. It’s so good to feel understood.

[Anonymous]

In your age range your mom is probably old school, maybe 50s or 60s and dated in a time where a man’s courting style and general approach towards women is a lot different than one it is now. Some people still believe the man should take care of his woman, I grew up watching all my uncles, dad and grandpa showcase this. Things aren’t quite the same anymore though, and nothing is wrong with 50/50. In my current relationship it’s a bit of both. My boyfriend insists on paying and the only way he will let me is if I really push for it, but that’s just who he is a person. I’ve also dated men who let or expect me to do my part, whether it’s alternating who pays for what and when, or whatever. So it’s really what works for you.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is not a matter of right or wrong. Your mother's atttude simply reflects her opinon, which is consistent with the opinions and atttudes of others in her generation. You realistically can't expect her to have any other attitude, but. . .

Your mom is projecting her wants and desires on you. This is your relationship and you need to find what YOU want in a relationship, not what your mother would want. ave you talked to your mom about the differences in your expectations and how her attitudes are not your attitudes?

[DubiousIntentions]

Why do you mods feed these trolls?

[OlderAndWiser]

@DubiousIntentions If this user is a troll, it is not obvious to me.

[DubiousIntentions]

Which is why people leave this site.

[OlderAndWiser]

@DubiousIntentions Yes, of course, it's possible, but what makes you think this is actually a troll?

[DubiousIntentions]

90% of anons are trolls.

[OlderAndWiser]

@DubiousIntentions I agree that most trolls do so anonymously, but I don't think 90% of all anons are trolls.

[Avicenna]

She needs to mind her own business, even though she thinks she's being helpful

[NNLocke]

If at all possible, try to keep things 50/50 even if one person makes more. Money in a relationship is always tricky, and even people who think being taken care of sounds like a good deal may end up coming to hate it.

With my ex-wife, things started out pretty even, but over time, my career took off and hers didn't, so I ended up making a LOT more than she did (I still make about 4x what she does). I ended up paying for everything, of course, and after we had a kid, I ASKED her to stay home. She barely made enough to cover child care, so it made the most sense to me for our kid to be raised by his mom, and it seemed like that'd be better for her, too, rather than work all day and still parent afterwards (which was no picnic for me, either). I didn't mind paying for everything and didn't lord it over her - I diverted 10% of every paycheck into her account so she wouldn't have to ask me for spending cash, and said yes to basically anything she asked for.

Despite this, she ultimately grew to resent the perceived power imbalance, which eventually became real. She went through what I still think was a midlife crisis - she wanted to go out and party despite having a 2 year old, and despite having spending money, she ran up thousands on her credit cards and hid it from me - by the time I found out, it was 8k, which I had to handle (though she assured me that she would pay it back... Somehow). Because of that, and other similarly irresponsible choices, I gradually had to behave more like her father than her husband - taking away her cards, stopping her from making mistakes that would effect me or our kid, staying home with him while she went out. I hated it - I greatly prefer an equal partnership, regardless of who is making the money. I like to know I can rely on her, and she on me - that's the whole allure of relationships for me. What could I do, though? We'd agree to rules and she'd break them and just say "sorry". When your partner decides they DGAF, the only thing you can do is leave, and it was very important to me that my son not grow up in a broken home (like I did).

Unfortunately, she came to resent what she felt was her lack of agency, and ended up having an affair with a friend of ours who had just had his wife run off with some other guy - I had started having him over a lot so he wouldn't be lonely, and they ended up "falling in love". I guess in order to feel better, he needed to do the same thing to someone else, even if it was the guy helping him.

We got divorced, and they've been together a few years now. There's no power imbalance over money there because he's some wannabe surfer burnout who has lived with his mom since his wife took off (years now). We're all around 40. I keep things amicable for my kid's sake (joint custody), but truth be told, I'm pretty bitter about it - I haven't sought out another relationship and doubt I ever will. It looks like she truly prefers being with someone who makes LESS than her rather than more. I wish our incomes had stayed even, but she wasn't willing to invest personal time in learning more or going after better jobs, so it was inevitable unless I accepted being stuck making 40k forever. Since I'm not some pookah-shell necklace wearing mama's boy, that wasn't enough for me.

If you DO end up making more than your partner, keep in mind that not everyone WANTS to be taken care of. If your partner isn't hungry for advancement, but you are, and they're a highly independent person, you could run into problems down the road if your success makes them unhappy.

[Asker]

Wow that was some good for thought right there…. so both partners have to be on the same page and should aim to both make an equal amount

[BullShark]

To put it simply, yes, your mother is in the wrong here. Your boyfriend (or even later on your husband if you guys plan on tying the knot sooner or later) is not your personal credit card, and I'm glad you're one of the few people who believe that relationships are a 50/50 thing instead of being a one-sided affair where one partner does everything while the other one simply leeches off of them.

Even though a lot of us men love providing for our partners and spending money on them without ever letting them know about it or bragging about it, we do love it when our partners care about these little things and try to make an effort in the expenses, even if it's something small like paying for the bread and eggs for the next day.

It's like I saw someone in one of those inspirational videos once say; "you don't deserve to be treated like a queen if you don't treat your man like a king. If he pays for the movie, you can pay for the snacks. If he pays for the dinner, you can pay for the drinks/dessert. If he pays the bills and gives you and your kids a roof over your head, the least you can do is be a good wife and a mother for him".

[Anonymous]

It is not necessarily right or wrong for your mom to have her own opinions about relationships and finances. However, it is important for you to communicate your own beliefs and expectations to your boyfriend and to establish a mutual understanding of how you will handle finances in your relationship.

It is not uncommon for different couples to have different approaches to finances, such as splitting expenses equally, taking turns paying for things, or pooling resources together. The key is to find a system that works for both partners and to communicate openly and honestly about financial matters.

It's also important to remember that relationships are about more than just money. While financial stability is important, it's equally important to have a strong emotional connection, mutual respect, and shared values and goals.

So, have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you both want to handle finances in your relationship, and don't be afraid to set boundaries and expectations that align with your own beliefs and values. And while it's always good to listen to advice from those around us, ultimately the decision about how to handle finances in your relationship should be made by you and your partner.

[BarryLiverstone]

She’s both wrong and right. Because he makes more money and is your guy he should be providing for you and on that point I do agree with her. However you still must contribute to the relationship both financially to cover bills and also in other ways. Regarding the costs of living in the same condo it’s on him to pay the mortgage but because you live there you can pay a portion of it and also split the bills. Having money he is able to take you out and buy you gifts to show his affection and take care of you but you also can use money to do the same.


Where you can lean on your mom for advice is how to use this time to set up a financial plan for your future. If you are planning to get married and start a family then talk to her and get ideas on how to budget now vs into the future and what responsibilities you can expect 5 and 10 years from now.


Reading your other question about your mom suggesting he rents out his condo that could be a part of talking to her and better understanding how that was a suggestion for your future.

[Jdjfjcjj]

He would be foolish to support a woman who is not his wife or at the very least engaged to be married with soon. This often creates expectations and a dependence that can actually go against not is it him but you too. In cases where living together, y'all can do 50/50 or pay a percentage based on income. Either can be argued but personally I think living together most often results in the relationship eventually failing.

Only thing I believe it's fair to expect men always fund is dates but I think it's fair for them to expect the girl not slack on the getting dolled up

[Asker]

I think it’s foolish to support someone who isn’t serious about you or having a future with you…. also if people are married, shouldn’t both partners contribute for house bills?

[Jdjfjcjj]

If they married, and both working, yes of course.

[Asker]

Alrighty what if one partner is making more than the other? Is it still a 50/50 contribution? Or should the higher income person cover more than the lose income person?

[Jdjfjcjj]

If they married, they should have figured all this out beforehand.

[Asker]

Ya agree it’s good to discuss financial arrangements before living together so that there’s no surprises

[megabamse]

I am 100% sure this question is from a person in the states. Around here we don't pay for our dates, we pay each for what we got. Because around here woman earn just as much as men and sometimes more. So why pretend we are from 1950s or something? Once the relationship is established and you live together then only thing that is splitt is electric, rent or bank loan for the house, tv, Internet, some insurances and food. Some vacations. But almost everything outside of that is a personal expens. So if she wants shoes then she buy shoes with her own money, not from the shared account, if he wants a PS5 or what ever then same thing. Don't come here with this bullshit that men are provider's, its not 1950s anymore

[Jdjfjcjj]

I could not be more against the contemporary form of feminism but playing devil's advocate only on the dating aspect and whether men should pay. All that clown paint, extensions, fake eye lashes, serums, and Brazilian, and all the other crap do cost a hell of a lot more then the deodorant you hopefully remembered to apply.

This really isn't why I believe men should pay for dates though but just something to consider I guess.

[Asker]

Where are you from? I’m actually from Canada not the states lol…. and my personal opinion is that a couple should split the bills 50/50

[megabamse]

European here. We only Split household bills if living together. Or dates, especially the first few dates.

[Friendlybro79]

As boyfriend/girlfriend you are not married. Your approach is better but why at your age are you having your mom in your ear? You're an adult. She is entitled to her opinions and your job is to do what makes you happy.

When you're married I think you should share your life together and it be one pot, but the rate of divorce is insane and I could understand some men being apprehensive since they typically are the ones that lose our in divorce. That said if you like to keep your money separated or get a prenup if that day comes then go for it.

As for dating one person is not entitled to the other persons money. Regardless of who makes more.

[holdem4884]

There's nothing wrong with your b/f paying more if he makes more than you do, that's actually appropriate. However, both partners should contribute and take care of one another as best they can. Good relationships are partnerships and that only happens when two people work together. Financial support is only one aspect. You may be able to provide more emotional, psychological, or intellectual support.

Money makes some things easier but it doesn't truly make anyone happy. If what you say about your b/f is true, he sounds like a good guy and you're mother appears to have the wrong focus.

[hahahmm]

Yes & no. If you want to aim low in life.. or just get what most of the women you know have, then shoot for 50/50. If you want to have high standards and get something high quality then make yourself worth it to a guy to go extra for you. Most women today aren't worth it. A guy giving only 50 is his way of saying you're not worth more. It is what it is. You can't expect a guy to give you more just because you're female tho. Oh, no. It's going to cost you actually providing what we used to call traditional values. It was easier back when people didn't want to be in endless series of short term relationships and thought marriage (to the right person) was important cause you had fewer people aiming low.

[molonski2]

Mom is wrong , she probably has best intent but her view comes from a bygone era , your view is correct , and you need to be Independent anyhow , I always encouraged my daughters to think this way , and from my first serious girlfriend all those years ago ( I was 19 , she was 17 ) , we always paid half each , and that was exactly how she wanted it too.

The only time this may be different is if either one of you is making plenty more than the other , but assuming similar 50/50 for sure.

[ChillaxingLove]

Do what keeps your relationship strong. Unless you’re like 12 your parents shouldn’t get involved in your personal relationships only to give advice when asked. They could ruin your relationship if they interject themselves in the middle.

for me personally, taking care of my wife is a joy. Boyfriend and girlfriends not so much sense at anytime you could break up. you guys confuse things by living with each other so things get blurred. You act like husband and wife but without the commitment.

Honestly 50/50 as boyfriend and girlfriend is ok. But husband and wife that goes out the window because sometimes someone will have to sacrifice for the benefit of the relationship.

[integrale77]

The way I see it you should be willing to go 50/50 all the time but he might feel like paying the full bill for you.

I feel more respected when my girlfriend say "how much do I owe you for *****" I'm more inclined to say "no worries I got this"

[Bricealan]

Some of my prior relationships have been 50/50 and it does help when you are going places that are pricey. Others, do not want to pay any part of expenses and for that reason, we cannot make 'long trips out of the country etc, because I cannot afford that luxury on my own.

I am in agreement with you with sharing the cost of 'big ticket' things if you really have a good relationship with the man.

[Sleeper07]

You should help in some areas, offer to pay sometimes. But as a rule of thumb if he is the only breadwinner he should pay for everything. This is natural in long term monogamous relationships.

[Asker]

My boyfriend makes more money than I do but we both agree that it should be 50/50 regardless even if one person makes more

[Sleeper07]

Ultimately it's about what you want.

But eventually if by some chance you end up becoming a stay at home mom (strictly hypothetical), are you okay with being financially dependent on him? Would you follow his decision making 100%?

Would you both be okay with him giving you money to buy whatever you want? It's important to discuss these things and be honest about how both of you feel about certain topics.

[Asker]

He likes his independence and prefers if we share stuff 50/50…. which I believe is the fair thing to do these days considering that the cost of living has gone up

[midnightmoon05]

Will he and you take turn feeding your future baby 50/50 of the time and make a chart for such duty?
Will you two also chart who will do the poop diaper and peep diaper 50/50?
Modern relationships go downhill for these “equal”
We are not equal…as women… we need our men to support us in some ways…men need some to support them in other ways…through love and compromises.
If you are not planning to have a family/kids… do as HE wishes.
Think about what your relationship should look like in 5-10 years. .

I would have drop that guy after the first date.

As of now…I am the bread winner. My hubby is a stay at home dad…no such thing as 50/50. I love that he takes care of the house, kids…etc… I help on weekends…it’s an “equal” support system with love.
Good luck to you.

Listen to your mom.

[Lolitaaa77]

Well ur mom is right.. don’t make your man get used to seeing u paying for him.. he is the man.. u should be supporting him being good with him looking beautiful for him.. but do not ever pay for a man and do not be a gold digger either! But if ur man’s financial status not good u help him but minimize ur needs.. don’t insist on going to luxury hotels and restaurants.. u can walk get inexpensive food etc. give him gifts on birthday or when u see something would make him happy.. every once in a while you can buy him some food and eat together or take him to a restaurant u can afford.. anything else you gonna make him spoiled to the point who wouldn’t make an effort for you and he is gonna search for a woman whom he is gonna feel his masculinity with her by paying for her giving her gifts. So ur mom is right. Listen to her.

[Asker]

Once in awhile we treat each other on special occasions and he pays for me once in awhile…. the rest of the time tho we each pay for our own things…is that good or bad?

[Lolitaaa77]

Not bad but For example if you do your home so it’s normal that you both invest on things you gonna share if you are officially together, if it’s not let him make effort and pay more than you but as i said don’t sound like a gold digger.. it’s just your right as a woman to be pampered and spoiled and that’s all.

[Asker]

So until we move in together he should cover almost everything. You’re saying?

[Lolitaaa77]

Yeah that’s exactly what I mean

[findacure4wokeness]

If one is looking after the kids and house then the bread winner can pay. But this is outdated a bit because it's hard to live off only one wage these days. fairness has to be evaluated case by case but before marriage and children 50/50 sounds about right.

[EaterPeter]

Relationship are never 50 50. You make your own rules. Mom may have some merit. I would try to further the discussion and try to see where she is coming from. And you would put your point. Final decision should be yours. Most women are ortho or still believe in hunter gatherer theory whether they know or not. Means they prefer not to pay. Or they are not happy when they get to pay. at least one dating site supports last statement hence dating sites give free membership to women and charge men only.

[KostasKouvalis]

She sounds very old school. My mom is the complete opposite. I believe if you're in a committed relationship, it shouldn't be one sided, because at that point you're taking advantage of the person.

[Asker]

Ya I thought so it should be 50/50 if it’s a committed type of a relationship otherwise you’re just using the person

[Asker]

On special occasions we treat each other and occasionally he does pay for me and he does let me bathe and sleep over at his place on weekends and he has gotten me gifts on special occasions as well….. is this a good arrangement?

[KostasKouvalis]

I agree with both scenarios. Or pretty close to 50/50. That is completely reasonable. I feel as your boyfriend, he should treat you occasionally. And vice versa

[Asker]

Yes that’s exactly what we do- treating on a special occasion. For example on my bday he spolied me and on his I took him to his favourite restaurant

[KostasKouvalis]

YES! I think that's how it should be

[Asker]

Just as I thought! Fair is fair lol

[alice55]

I'm surprised to hear this i thought you were a conservative you sound more modern on this take here, in my family the men always told me to find a rich man to take care of me so I don't have to work or just have a relaxing laid back job.
I think traditional relationship are better with a provider and one who stay at home to take care of everything like this the person working can just relax when coming back home is it a lot simpler and relaxing to live this ways than both working and contributing financially.

[KostasKouvalis]

@alice55 That's how my family is, and my mom said she would have preferred to work actually. And that's funny, because I thought you would feel the opposite at least to a certain extent. I know you don't like people who take advantage of you and neither do I.
My mom always jokes that I should find a rich girl. I think if she's doing housework and raising kids, it's fine to an extent. But she shouldn't expect him to take her to expensive restaurants or on trips and pay for her everytime. My mom jokes about me getting a rich girl, but she also says to get a girl who will pay for her own plain ticket and hotel room. I cam still maybe make a justification if she's saving money. But I don't know. My cousin and uncle dated/married gold diggers. I personally don't like gold diggers. And you shouldn't marry someone just for their income. These relationships are usually toxic and not genuine.
Maybe I feel this way because I don't make much myself. Maybe if I were rich, I would feel differently. I'm a little greedy when it comes to money. I certainly don't want to be paying for everything, at least if we're only dating.

[KostasKouvalis]

I'll admit though, at the same time I do like to spoil women, so I don't know how I would in a relationship. Maybe I am a simp, IDK😂 But at the same time, I don't like to work, so she can't rely on me as the only source of income😂

[alice55]

I'm talking about the normal traditional relationship men going to work and the woman staying home to raise the kids which is just the basic of relationship, in France nowadays men say they don't want to provide cause they don't want to get used but when it come to taking care of the kids or doing house chore they do nothing, so the women end up working a full time job plus doing the job of a stay at home mother and thus work a lot more while the guy just do nothing except doing his job (they don't even know how to change a tires ) so in those case I find that it's actually modern women who get used.
I never talked about rich relationship for this just a regular man working a regular job with a stay at home wife, rich couple is a totally others type of relationship.

Marrying someone for their income is not toxic if both know and are ok with it, plenty of old ugly guys get with pretty young women and they're ok with it cause they know if they weren't they would only be with ugly girls, they chose this kind of relationship cause they prefer it and the girl also like money over anything else so it's not toxic it's just kind of like an arrangement both find benefit in it.

Also finding a rich person in France would be a miracle considering everyone if poor now because of Macron. Even with so much promotion everywhere everything is expensive and salary is shit here. Everyone have a minimum wage job except politics and CEO.

Personally even if I wanted to pay a date I couldn't because I have litterally no money I end up being in overdraft nearly every month so

[alice55]

We neveu know how we are until we enter one really XD
Who like to work honestly? XD

[KostasKouvalis]

@alice55 That's completely reasonable. That's how my house is, and I feel what you're saying is completely reasonable. 🙂
But who wants to work double? I agree that housewives often don't get the appreciation they deserve and the tire thing is actually kind of true😂

I feel that's different then what the poster was asking and completely reasonable.
I'd rather have her taking care of the kids.

True, but that's pretty messed up though 😂

That sounds about right right. My dad read an article that said Europeans hate being asked what they do for a living, because a lot of them are on unemployment. There are people in their 40s who don't have steady jobs.

But I was watching some videos on the Riviera yesterday and prices there are no different then they are in California. France actually doesn't seem as expensive as before.

I'm sorry about that ☹️
There is this perception in the States that France is full of rich people.