Finally being in a relationship has made me realize that I have "polyamorous" disposition. How do I talk to my SO about this?

[Anonymous]

We married at the age of 27. We were both the first person either of us had ever dated. I had the first inkling that I would like polyamory when we were cuddling one evening and the thought crossed my mind that it would be really cool if you could be this close (physically, emotionally) with everyone (everyone who wanted to anyway). I have attempted to talk about this with her which has generally made her very upset. We are both from religious backgrounds that generally frown on poly-type relationships (Christian). Since our marriage I have had a number of significant paradigm shifts concerning my understanding of my faith that already have made her nervous about our future. These pertain to money and property (I believe I ought to devote my labor to those who cannot repay me for it, i. e. I don't want to work for money) and self defense (I won't defend myself). As evidenced by my question here I have also had shifts in my understanding of sexual and marital ethics which I have not been able to talk at length with her about. She is insecure about her self-worth (she still sometimes winces when I tell her she's beautiful) and any conversation that circles this issue however cautiously makes her worried that I don't love her anymore and that I want to move on to someone else. Of course I do love her and at the end of the day I don't think I'd pursue relationships with others if I was convinced that there would be no way she'd be okay with it. But I feel that I can't really put that question to rest in my own mind unless I first tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling on this subject. I'm primarily interested in the perspective of girls: how could I approach this in a manner that would be least upsetting? Guys, if you have been in a similar situation, I'd like to hear how you've handled it and whether it was successful or not.

Thanks!

[razelove]

Throwing in my two cents, most people who "do poly" do so for a period of time and then don't anymore. My wife and I had several other partners, all female, living the dream for, I don't know, maybe 4 years? It isn't that I'm forbidden from seeing other women or anything, it's reality. We have kids, it takes a lot more effort to find unattached women at my age then when I was in college, especially those who would be down being in a poly relationship rather than having a ONS or NSA deal where I won't ask them about their status or them ask me about mine until further in.

From your description, it sounds like your girl has serious self esteem issues. You could probably get a threesome out of that, if you try to push further and put your attention on another woman, you're most likely going to ruin your relationship, and her though. It's far easier to get sex than a relationship, and generally most women are more understanding if you pursue sex rather than a relationship if it has to be one or the other. One takes much more time, effort, and attention than the other. All that has to be at the expense of something else in your life, family, work, you name it. Chances are it isn't going to be super for your wife if you're spending that on another woman though.

That's just my experience though.

[Anonymous]

It's important to approach a conversation about polyamory with your partner with empathy and understanding. It's normal for your partner to feel upset or threatened by the idea of you being interested in other people, so it's important to be patient and understanding as you navigate this conversation together.

Here are some tips for approaching the conversation:

1. Be honest: It's important to be honest with your partner about your feelings and desires. Let them know that you are interested in exploring polyamory and that you want to have an open and honest conversation about it.

2. Listen to their perspective: It's important to listen to your partner's perspective and concerns. Hear them out and try to understand where they are coming from.

3. Be patient: This conversation may take time and multiple discussions to work through. Be patient and understanding as you navigate this together.

4. Be open to compromise: It may not be possible to fully explore polyamory in your current relationship, but there may be other compromises or solutions that you can explore together.

5. Seek outside support: Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can provide support and guidance as you navigate this conversation with your partner.

Remember, it's important to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding for your partner's feelings and concerns. It may not be an easy conversation, but it's important to be honest and open with each other as you navigate this together.

[Asker]

I am attempting most of this presently and we are doing marriage counseling. Confounding me though are that she will often get angry and shut down constructive conversation very early into a topic (not just related to this one) and that she will call friends or family to reinforce her position anytime she dislikes what I think. The one time I came close to getting most of my thoughts out she called up several family members and friends on both sides whom from our background you might guess where not approving and I ended up in interogations with several of them during which I ended up walking back most of what I had said because I couldn't handle the social pressure.

[Opinion Owner]

It sounds like there are some deeper issues at play in your communication with your SO, and it's great that you are both seeking counseling to work through them. However, it's concerning that she shuts down constructive conversation and turns to outside sources to reinforce her position. This can make it difficult to have open and honest communication in the relationship.

It may be helpful to discuss this behavior with your counselor and explore ways to create a safe and supportive environment for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. It may also be necessary to set boundaries around involving outside parties in your conversations, as this can add unnecessary pressure and make it harder to resolve issues between the two of you.

Remember that communication is a two-way street, and it's important to listen to your SO's perspective and feelings as well. It may take some time and effort to work through these issues, but with dedication and commitment from both of you, it is possible to build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

[Nikki1989]

You should be able to talk this out.

[Asker]

Perhaps, but how? She has a much shorter temper than I do and it tends to act like a brick wall for many conversations I've tried to have with her on a variety of topics.

[Avicenna]

You should be able to tell your partner directly since you've been together so long. Be prepared for a negative response.

[RobT312]

Hey man hope things get better. Sounds like your wife has self esteem issues. Talking about poly probably just makes that worse. Lots of jealousy can come out of poly so be aware of that. My fiancee and i have a third mutual friend in bed from time to time for threesomes. It only works because we are both confident and our relationship is strong. With our succesful threesome there was still a little jealousy!!
if you get to a good place and you are both comfortable with your desire then id say yes.. try a threesome or poly. If not, then id avoid at all cost as it will crush your wife

[lightbulb27]

"honey... have you ever wanted to take the weiner shnitzel out of the saur krat and put it into pasta or a bun"?

I really have no idea, good luck, not my world.

I say pick an "ice cream" and stick with it. It's freakin' ice cream, it's good, stop trying all the flavors, you had time to do that in early life if that's what you wanted.

[Anonymous]

No getting around this man. You're going to have to tell her. And give her my phone number just in case she decides this is a deal breaker. 😉😆

[Iron_Man]

Go to a professional sex therapist A Christian one and beat this