How do I get my boyfriend to clean up after himself?

[Anonymous]

So for small context, I live with my dad (housing/apartments are so expensive 😅) and recently within the last year my boyfriend moved in. I'm not the cleanliest person but I make sure to try not to leave things a mess. I've tried talking to my boyfriend multiple times about not leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, eating in my bed and leaving crumbs, or even leaving plates in my room that still have food on them. He Will make food in the kitchen and prioritizes eating first rather than putting what he used away and then always says he forgot. He was very nice and offered to take my chore of doing the dishes. But it's like I have to ask every time for the dishes to get done because he waits until both sides of the sink are filled. He does work but he does have time to do them, from the time that I go to work He has four to six hours to himself and most of the time when I come home it's just a new mess for me to get upset about... When I do finally snap he plays the victim and asking why im being so mean.. I don't try to be mean but I just don't know how to get through to him. He's a good boyfriend when it comes to being attentive and supportive but when it comes to stuff like this I'm going nuts.

Updates

1 y

Just to make it clear, he does contribute to the house. He pays Bills, helps with groceries, spoils me lots and is there when my mental health isn't the best. He even lends me money a lot when I need it (I do pay it back) like I said he's not a bad guy he just has a lot of bad habits from when he lived at home because his parents are the same way if not worse. I just wanna know if there's a way to teach him to be a little more mindful of the messes he makes

[Anonymous]

Well he isn't lying, this is simply his behaviour.

This isn't going to change over night and its not going to change at all unless he commits to and makes the effort to change his established patterns.

I think its important to point out to you that he actually doesn't have to change his behaviour as long as he stays in his own space, it's up to him how he lives and you should say all of this to him.

But this is not his space that he is in right now and if he wants to be in the space he is in right now then he has to learn a new behaviour.

Of course the problem is that if you should later live together in an equally shared space you don't really get to tell him that he has to live as you want to live because you won't have the authority to dictate how he must behave in his own space.

You clearly can't live with this long term so this is a deal breaker, the fact of the matter is that if he is not preprared to make a commitment to changing this behaviour for the rest of his life then you have to end the relationship because it isn't going to a place where you can go.

Well, I say you have clearly decided that you can't live with this, that may not be set in stone, I don't know, but that is the alternative, that you accept that this is what he is like and what he is always going to be like and decide whether his other qualities are worth the annoyance of clearing up after him for the rest of your life.

[bean2k21]

You can be a more effective housekeeper if you follow some simple guidelines:

Create a routine: Develop a cleaning routine that agrees with your Master's schedule. Set aside specific times of the day or week to tackle different tasks, such as vacuuming, dusting, and doing laundry, that don't interfere with his video games.

Prioritize: Focus on tasks that are most important and that will have the biggest impact on your Master's well being. For example, dusting off his game console.

Get the right tools: Invest in quality cleaning supplies and tools that will make cleaning easier and more efficient. One of my favorites is that little duster thingy and a French maid uniform

Keep a positive attitude: No one likes some slave whining about her housework.

[lightbulb27]

Is his time spent playing video games?

This sounds like our 13yr old boy.

Bottom line, his training is poor and he will have to be re-trained. He has to recognize the rules and do them, or else he can live outside or in the car.

[Asker]

He tries to use his free time with video games, reading, or catching up on some of his shows. I usually say that I try not to blame him because his parents never taught him how to clean because their house is disgusting so I am trying to train him to be better. I just don't know the right approach. Some things aren't as bad as they used to be but still having some bad habits just the same as his parents.

[lightbulb27]

So that makes sense. He was raised as a slob around horders and he's doing what he was trained to do, which is normal to him.
The video games are a problem, they gain the focus and suck up time (like GAG does) as time dispappears and things don't get done.

So simple approach is write down the rules and those things are done prior to any other activities. Manage to that, reward and thank for good behavior. If mistake, retrain, possibly punish.

Would you believe he's better than some others? It's really sad, but there's a lot of people that should just live in the woods like animals. Hopefully, you can get him to better place, but I must say... this will take time and the stuff ingrained him may last a lifetime in his makeup. It will get tough when/if baby shows up, as it multiplies the messes to cleanup and then you get tired telling him to do things (e. g. he may not take initiative and see things the way you do). A point of friction. I've seen things like this be one stressor that tears them apart... and "he" was a nice guy as well, just didn't clean or tend the house without prompting. It gets frustrating after a while being the parent to a partner.

hopefully you can make it work and he responds.

[slatyb]

You've tried. He doesn't give a shit. Your choice is to keep picking up his mess or send him packing.

[shades777]

I can walk pass a mess and not care until I do some reflecting. Can't speak for him but perhaps he's got a mental block he needs to release.

[Asker]

Would you mind elaborating a bit? How would he release it?

[shades777]

well in my case, a mental block can represent who I want to be and who I am, thats a mental block.

Here's a fun therapeutic activity he can do alone of with you, throw away the things you both no longer need, buy a shredder and shred papers of old documents that might represent the old you, the visual of it all can help to relieve your minds.

[Asker]

I'll have to try it. Thank you for the reply!

[shades777]

I think that approach shows your more about "us", and not so much about "he's the problem", because even if its not even if its true, it more how you approach.

I've been told I'm messy a few times by separate women I've dated and they never came out and said I was a pig, instead they would say, do you want me to clean. And while its great and all, a man has got to want to be cleaner, playing video games and reading books sounds like he likes to achieve goals and receive rewards for goals, and he's about self improvement, perhaps see the long game of which books he's deciding to read, and connect the dots.

[boobliker]

he has to want to do it for himself that is the only way

[Iron_Man]

Take a stand don’t put up with it

[In_Trance]

Set some boundaries
Have a conversation