Ended FWB… did I make the right choice?

[Anonymous]

I was friends with benefits with this guy for a couple months. I knew I liked him from the start but he just exited a multi year relationship so he wasn’t in the mindset to enter anything new.

i would sleep over, he would cook for me, cuddle, take me out on “dates” (he didn’t call them dates but involved restaurants, comedy clubs, breweries etc which he always paid for, and even even paid for me to get my hair done at one point).

a couple days ago, I realized my feelings were getting stronger, and I wanted more. I asked him how he felt about me over text, and he told him his feelings are going to remain on a purely platonic standpoint.

after this, I essentially confessed and told him I like him and I want more, and that I need to stop sleeping with him if we’re going to continue the friendship. After a series of sporadic texts and back and forth, he told me he’s okay with the friendship without benefits, but wants some space from me and for me to focus on myself.

i offered to talk in person, and he said “it’s okay”. I offered again and he didn’t reply. I feel horrible about it. Did I make the right choice? Is it likely he will come back if I stop talking to him completely and work on myself? I wonder if I should’ve have said anything.

if I made the right choice, what do you guys think the best way to move on from this is? Should I still try to be friends with him? Go no contact? I’m at a loss for what to do

Updates

1 y

He ending up messaging me saying “I know it’s been a minute, unsure if you’re done talking with me. But I’m in a gift shop (he was travelling on vacation), and wondering if you’d like something”. I saw the message super late (like this was 15 hours ago) because I was really busy with work super tired and had his messages muted. What should I say? I don't know if should ignore if I’m trying to indisputably end the situatuonship

[MementoMori777]

Yes the right choice doesn't always feel like it, meanwhile the bad choices always feel right, at that point if you liked him and he didn't like you, it would lead to obsession considering you like him but he doesn't care about you leaving you maybe trying to start controlling him and stuff and him constantly hurting your emotions simply cause he will most likely sleep with other women and you'll be sleeping with him as well but him sleeping with others will still effect you, now you can take the time for yourself that he gave you to move on and get rid of those feelings for him, trust me that it would have left you in a void if you kept this one sided bond going.

[Asker]

This helps, thank you so much

[MementoMori777]

💯🙏

[Asker]

Do you think I should try to be friends with him after I give myself some space to move on?

[MementoMori777]

I wouldn't think it's the best idea cause if you caught feeling for him once, what makes you think it won't happen again?

[Asker]

Right, I agree, thank youuu

[MementoMori777]

Np💯

[FilmGuy93]

Yeah... I mean... it sounds like you want more than he can give you right now. Ending things was the healthy way to go. Although, the responsibility is on YOU to come back to him. You have no business waiting for him to come back to you.

[Asker]

Thank youuuu. What do you mean the responsibility is on my to come back to him? I should approach him when I’m ready to be friends (if I even should be friends)? And why should I not leave it in his court to come back, if I want something more?

[FilmGuy93]

You have to approach him when you are ready to be friends again (if that ever happens). The reason you can't wait for him to "come back" is because he isn't the one that left. You walked away. He can't "come back" because he never left; he doesn't have the ability.

Does that make sense?

[Asker]

Yes this makes sense, thank you!
Im also thinking of the case I will never be able to be just friends (will always have feelings). I also communicated to him that if he ever wants anything more than just friends, he can reach out and we can try. Was that fair of me to say and would that be a likely possibility given I communicated I ended things due to wanting more with him?

[FilmGuy93]

That was fair for you to say, yes. I don't think it's very likely that he will reach out to you to have something more though. His feelings about you are going to change as he heals.

[Asker]

Gotcha, meaning his feelings will likely diminish? Even though he said he only had “platonic” feelings anyways? And the best thing I can do if I want to still try for “something more” with him is for me to reach out after some space or just leave it be/give up on that entirely?

[FilmGuy93]

I don't know if "diminish" is the word I would use. It's not that the feelings necessarily decrease, they just change. The reason he connected with you romantically was because you satisfied some need he had after his breakup. As he heals from that breakup, his needs will change. I don't know if the connection you had will satisfy those needs.

[Asker]

Gotcha, that makes sense, so the best thing would just be to wait and see anyways for what happens, but still on me to reach out after a while

[FilmGuy93]

Bingo. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Just move on. Other men will come your way, they always do.

[Asker]

Right, thank you so much. Do you think I should try to be regular friends with him once I moved on?

[VikingWarLord]

Never have ONLY ONE friends with benefits.

Always have a few of them so you don't bond with any ONE of them.

[Asker]

That’s good advice, I just always don’t like feeling so like, promiscuous haha

[Anonymous]

Yes you did. These arrangements never end well for both parties. Somebody always gets hurt

[Asker]

Right.. lesson learned. I needed this reassurance :)

[spartan55]

You might have had a shot if you didn't tell him over texting...🙄 Terrible choice.

[Asker]

I know, I asked to talk in person repeatedly and he shut it down, saying “no explanation needed”. I still ended the conversation with asking for a chance to discuss in person. And he didn’t respond. Do you think things may change if he gives a change to discuss in person? Or should I just forget about it now

[spartan55]

It sounded like you brought up talking in person after the bomb dropped, correct?

[Asker]

Technically yes, did I ruin things and would there still be a chance to explain in person? I asked him how he feels about me and when he answered (the only platonic answer) I said okay, I may need to make some changes, but we can discuss. He asked me what these changes were and I answered (which was the “bomb”), then there were a few text message exchanges and I said I would like to explain everything in person but he kept saying stuff and I just kept explaining more. The conversation ended with my apologies and saying I should e asked to discuss in person from the jump and would still like a chance. What do you think?

[spartan55]

I think that horse left the barn for good.

[Asker]

Gotcha, tyy

[Shamalien]

You want more than he does and if you’re getting too invested and he cannot or will not reciprocate, then you need space from eachother

[Asker]

I’m definitely getting too invested. I agree, thank you so much. After we take “space”, should I try to reach out and be friends after moving on? Or leave it in his court to reach out

[Shamalien]

You shouldn’t worry about that right now. Maybe after a bit of space friends without benefits will work, but more than likely y'all end up in bed and you’re right back where u are now so take space and focus on yourself.

[Asker]

Right, okay understood. Thank you

[Shamalien]

You’re welcome. I’ve been in the man’s shoes before and it’s a tough situation as he probably does like you but just doesn’t see a future so he won’t date seriously. It doesn’t have to be a tragedy though. Cherish the times you had and have a mature conversation about the ending where you can both express what you need to and wish eachother well

[Asker]

Right, I appreciate this, thank you so much. He likely doesn’t see a future with me because he doesn’t like me enough though right? Not being of mental space

[Shamalien]

When a man is acting like this, it’s generally because he’s made up his mind and he’s not likely to change it so I wouldn’t hold out for that possibility. Who knows what the future will hold but don’t speculate

[Asker]

Gotcha, this helps, thank you. I agree. So best is to just remain distant for now

[Shamalien]

Yupp

[SawerBrown]

Sounds like you need a new boyfriend. I'm available. Lol

[Sabretooth]

Waste of time, anyway.

[Asker]

Exactly!!

[Sabretooth]

it'll also create problems in the future--particularly. for future children.

[Asker]

I’m on top of removing any possibility of children haha, but fair point

[Sabretooth]

gotta find a balance between living in the now and thinking of the future

[Asker]

Right!

[Sabretooth]

you're one of the few girls who understand that. teens years are the most crucial years of your life.

[Sabretooth]

also, avoid men who fall into the alpha male stereotype. contrary to popular belief... they're not effective leaders.

[Sabretooth]

you watch Dateline?

[Asker]

No I don’t hahah

[Sabretooth]

Last one was a very difficult case.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter.

[Asker]

Right