I have no hand in the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Hello! Here’s the situation.

I’ve been seeing this girl for a little over 6 months now. I’m 23 and she’s 21. This is my first ever serious relationship (I’m a virgin) but this is not hers. She’s had 2 sexual partners in the past and 2 pretty serious relationships (one lasting 2 years).

Something that’s been bothering me is that I feel like I have no hand (power/leverage) in the relationship. I know that she cares about me and loves me but she doesn’t show it super well… or at least not like she used to in the beginning. Also, I constantly feel like I’m in comparison to her Ex. He was a big violent, aggressive guy that abused her but she also used to have sex with him and live with him (they even were trying to have a baby).

She treated him super well and gave him everything she had and he was from what I understand, unappreciative. She doesn’t do that for me and she tells me that she won’t go that far for a man again. Even though, I do my very best to treat her like an absolute princess and give her whatever she wants.

It makes me feel bad that he basically used her and got everything he wanted even got to c__ inside of her (excuse my language) but I’m over here doing all I can and getting a shell of who the person is. Even when we get to the point where we’re having sex it won’t feel worth it in my opinion because she’s already done all this stuff with him.

It’s like we got the same thing but for two completely different prices. That hurts me. With girls in the past who didn’t have such a extreme past it didn’t feel this way. I really do love this girl too. She’s just done so much that it leaves me powerless in the relationship because it’s like, “been there, done that” and if I truly decide to go, she tells me that she “can’t imagine starting over with someone else” but I have a feeling that she’ll just wait for him to come out of jail and go back to him. I don't know.

I’d love some advice/takes on this. :)

[shades777]

To be honest you should with your gut on this one, nobody likes to feel less than whether friend or girlfriend, ideally is better if a woman keeps her past her past and not comparing you to someone else, its also ideal that she's head over for you.


there's nothing more masculine then making a stand especially on your beliefs. A girlfriend does not get a past to disrespect, sometimes the strong thing to do is to walk away so someone better can walk in your life.


You can attempt to change her into what you want or
you can find another girl whos a lot closer to what you want.
If your already hurt from this girl perhaps a clean slate is best, but if you believe the juice is worth the squeeze then by all means

[Asker]

I don't like to feel less than. I don't like to feel like I don't have any control over the relationship. I don't like comparison to the ex. I don't like that she likes me one and day and doesn't want me the next. I've played it by ear for a very long time. I think that the curtain is calling my name. I want to take a stand on my beliefs. She shouldn't be disrepecting me or looking at me like I'm nothing. Sometimes you have to leave the room clear for someone else to walk in. TBH, I wasn't even interested in a relationship when she came into my life. We were friends and we really hit things off and turns out she liked me and I liked her.. we tried to see if we could make things work but she's put me through a lot of heartache.. especially considering that this is my first ever serious relationship. Changing her would be an uphill battle I think. There are other people out there and you shouldn't be with someone because you have a scarcity mindset. I just wish you didn't act this way or have this past and that she would never contact that person again but unfortunately, that isn't the situation. I think that she herself is worth the squeeze but with all the extra stuff, it's too much.

[Anonymous]

Don't waste your time with girls who have been abused. That advice will be frowned upon, because sure, they deserve love too, but they have a lot of underlying issues that will taken out on you in a lot of ways. Mostly indirectly, but also in ways that you already mentioned.

They won't admit it, but they have way too much healing to do, mentally and emotionally, before they're ready to be a decent partner again. She will suck you dry my friend. And not in a good way

[Opinion Owner]

Especially if this your first relationship. Very bad way for you to be introduced to the world of love

[Asker]

You're very right. This is a pretty bad way for me to be introduced to the world of love. She can't seem to leave the ex alone. She compares me to him and and I'm pretty sure that if he wasn't locked up right now, she'd be reaching out to him to see what he's up to. She's always curious as to what's going on in her life. Abused people need a lot of work before they're able to do relationships properly. She doesn't want to leave him alone. She keeps talking about talking to him for closure and talking to him to let him know that she's mad at him. I don't think that I deserve to be in that kind of a space because I honestly do believe that I'm a good guy to have. It has been sucking me dry and leaving me drained. It's funny I spoke to a friend of mine about this recently and he said the same thing, "you're feeling drained". So many little issues that arise and make you out to be a bad guy.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah fuck that man, you dont deserve that. There's too many girls out there that will treat you like a king to put up with that.
Sounds like she has Stockholm syndrome anyway

[Asker]

All I know for sure is that I don't like this feeling. Granted, I did meet her coming out of a messy breakup with the guy. But she kept clinging to me and reassuring me that she wanted to be with me and that she liked me very much. Things were just so good. March was an amazing month but this month of April has had its up and downs and all the little cracks have been showing. I don't know what to make of the situation. I think that things have simmered down a little bit. I'm going to play things by ear and I hope and pray that things end up working out because I'll be honest, I really do love this girl. I think she's amazing aside from the past and the ex. If she never contacted him again and didn't bring up the past, we would for sure be married already lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Well hopefully she gets over him soon, my guy. It could take a year or two, depending on the girl, but being with you should be enough to drop him out fo her mind forever. If only it worked that way...
I've been in your shoes before, but she was with him for 7 years. That's a lot harder to get over

[Asker]

That’s heavy. She was with this guy for 2 years. She doesn’t have much of a social life outside of me. She doesn’t enjoy being around her family so she was really attached to him until I came along. I dunno what’s gonna be the final straw. We started off as just friends that spoke all day everyday. We then started doing LD because she lives in a different state and I’m planning on making a moving over in June. Hopefully we can get things back on track before then.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh ok, LD changes things a little. She'll get more attached to you when she's actually with you more

[Asker]

I think so too. I think that a lot of the stresses and worries as stuff will go away once I touch today in CA. It’s just getting to me that she isn’t being as affectionate as before and moving a little funny but I think everything is going to be okay then. Thanks for taking the time to reply and have a great day :)

[Opinion Owner]

You too my friend. Hope it works out

[Asker]

Wait one more thing, did things work out with you and the girl? If not, why? (Only if you’re willing to answer ofc)

[Opinion Owner]

They did work out. She got over him after about a year lol.

[Asker]

I sure hope that's the case for me.. today she was really hurt that another person walked out of her life. She started looking at old messages between her and her ex and she said that she wishes that she could talk to him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are feeling insecure and powerless in your relationship with this girl, and that her past experiences with her ex are causing you a lot of anxiety and discomfort. It's understandable to feel this way, but it's important to remember that everyone's past is unique and it's not fair to compare yourself to someone else. It's also important to remember that the way someone behaves in a past relationship doesn't necessarily reflect how they will behave in a current or future relationship.

It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Let her know how you feel and what you need from the relationship, and ask her to share her own thoughts and feelings with you. It's possible that she may not even realize how her past experiences are affecting you, and having an open conversation could help you both understand each other better.

In any relationship, it's important to have a sense of mutual respect, trust, and communication. If you feel like you don't have a hand in the relationship and that your needs are not being met, it may be worth reassessing whether this relationship is right for you. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and to be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want and need from a relationship.

[Asker]

It's not fair to compare myself to anyone else and I don't like compare myself to him, it's her that's comparing me to her ex. What you're saying is true.. how a person behaved before doesn't mean that they'll act that way now. It's just a shame because the way she acted before was good but it was for a person that wasn't really appreciative of it and I would love it if she would act that way towards me.

It's hard for me to mention this concerns because she knows that I don't like it so she dances around it but I know that this is still on her mind and it bothers me. No, she knows that it affects me and it bothers me and it's been slowly been surely making me lose feelings for her. I don't feel like I have hand in the relationship and at this point, I can't say that I would be angry if things were to come to a close. What you're saying is right, it's important to have mutual respect and I feel like she hasn't had that for me. I've tried my best to be patient with her and to be understanding but at some point, something has got to give. Assessing if this relationship is right for me.. that's really good. I like that. Thank you

[Opinion Owner]

You’re welcome. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and uncertain in your relationship, and that you're struggling with feelings of inadequacy and comparison to your girlfriend's past experiences. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend about your concerns and to work together to establish clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship.

If your girlfriend is comparing you to her ex and it's affecting your emotional well-being and the health of the relationship, it's important to address this issue directly and assertively. You have a right to feel respected and valued in your relationship, and it's important to set boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior and communication.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether this relationship is right for you, and whether you feel that your needs and values are being met. It's important to take the time to assess your feelings and priorities, and to seek support and guidance from trusted friends or professionals as needed.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are, and that healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and communication.

[warsevf]

Well i never had relationship in my life but its not 50/50 or 70/30, it is what it is.

If you linger on her past, you are missing out on patience. Be patient as much as you can first.

Just because she is saying it doesn't mean she won't do it. She might be traumatized by her past, be gentle but don't be too gentle either

[Asker]

I'm not saying that it's hard for me to wait. I'm saying that I don't feel like I have any control over the relationship and I'm pretty much at her bidding. Whatever she wants goes and what I want is whatever because she feels like she gave away too much of herself in the past. It doesn't feel fair because I treat her better than the last guy did :/