Am I being too harsh for wanting to take a break from my friend because of the guys she’s with?

[Anonymous]

My friend has never been with a “normal” guy. They’re all either married, drug addicts, addicts to something else, manipulative and well basically “broken”. She thinks she has a duty to fix them but she ends up falling in love and getting herself really hurt. She was r*ped a couple times by guys who forced her and she didn’t do anything because she felt sorry for them. She always comes to vent to me but recently it’s been too much. I’m giving her advice and she does the complete opposite and ends up in a worse position. She’s with a married man right now and let’s just say his current wife has a criminal record. I’m am afraid my friend gets hurt or even killed! The man is 30 years older than her and very clearly is using her for her body but she fails to see that. What should I do? Thanks!

[MrOracle]

You can't help her until (or if) she's ready to be helped, so the only real answer is tough love: tell her you love her, but that she's making horrible, destructive decisions that are going to lead her to real harm, and if she doesn't get professional help, you can't be friends with her anymore. As harsh as that is, it's one of the only things that has a real chance of getting through to her. It may not - there are no guarantees - but you can't force change and you can't be their counsellor or problem-solver forever.

One of my best friends growing up was an alcoholic - his real father drank himself to death at 33, when my friend was 6, and he got it in his head that drinking brought him closer to his father. He was lost to alcoholism for 25 years, but has now been in recovery for over a decade. I wasn't sure he was going to survive, but after 3-4 years of trying to help him, I realized that helping wasn't going to help. You have to cut them off, and hope they figure out on their own, before they die, that they need to make changes. The only hope is that THEY come to that conclusion on their own - if they don't, or they don't do so fast enough, they won't survive, and nothing you can do will prevent it.

[glennos89]

Protect yourself at all times first! If she is to blind to see what is going on she will find out the hard way sooner or later. There is nothing you can do about it sadly. You tried to help her but if she isn't willing to help herself then she will learn it the hard way I guess.

What else can you do?

I dont think its harsh to take a break at all. You tried to help her, you failed because she doesn't want to help herself and now you simply have to protect yourself from this situation so dont feel bad about it

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I had the literal same thing with my best friend. We met when we were 15, she was raped after a party one night at this age and I’ve always felt like the real version of her went into that room and never came back out. I’ve seen her deal with the worst men who treat her like trash, use her, lie, mentally abuse, and she still deals with it. Her idea of love and care is so dysfunctional and toxic.


Meanwhile I’m just like a wall for her to bounce her voice off of basically since she never takes my advice. You’re right about how draining it is, being sick of wasting your breathe and having to pick up the pieces when a man does exactly what you earned her about endlessly. I took a break from my friend last summer, and I still think I need more time. After 15+ years, I’m drained. It’s ok if you need a break too. We can’t keep pouring from our wells and never have it replenished.

[driven159]

find a new friend it is just a train wreck waiting to happen don't get hit by the train move on fast

[Anonymous]

No, it's reasonable

[Anonymous]

Immediately break the friendship...

[Thecubs22]

No not at all!