My boyfriend is asking for $500... this is a bad sign, right?

[Anonymous]

He's been asking for $500 over the past 3 days and seems persistent about the request. He's explained that this is the first and only time he asked me for money, how it's really for a family crisis and some urgency.

I'm super hesitant and told him no, which he kept replying with an ''Why? You don't trust me that I'll give it back? I will. It's only this one time. I'll pay you back $100 each month''.

I'm starting not to like this. I've never asked him nor anyone for money. He's the first person that ever asked me for money. Is this a bad sign right?

Updates

9 mo

Why is he insisting on it so much? Even though I don't have any financial crisis, $500 still seems too much to be asking a partner for.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

A friend once asked me for $5,000. I said no. I had the money & would've considered loaning it but they had personality issues & I was like I'll never see this money again.

I am putting the above out there because you know your boyfriend's personality better than any of us. However, logically

1) There are MANY traditional options - bank, pawn shop, loan office, his own credit card, etc - he can go to for $500. That he is not indicates he has poor credit which is due to poor money management / not paying bills.

.

2) Almost no real emergency nowadays is solved with $500. If it's a plane ticket, as someone suggested, 98% of people buy plane tickets via credit card not cash. The fact that it doesn't seem he's elaborated on this 'family emergency' is very fishy.

As you don't live together for all you know he owes $500 to a gambling bookie or some other nefarious / criminal individual.

.

3) His insistence for money after you said no is something addicts, gamblers and others along these lines do to family members. It is one of the reason why they're dropped like hot potatoes by more decent relatives once screwed over

#3 is also supported by the fact he isn't going to a traditional option & doesn't have $500 on hand for a "rainy day" supporting the poor money management issues. $500 nowadays is not a lot of money.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

I want to add he's offering to pay you back as he could do with ANY of the options mentioned in #1.

Difference is, is unless you have a written & signed CONTRACT there is NO way you can enforce your loan of $500. It's all verbal and any police/court would throw your claims in the garbage.

Whereas a bank, pawn shop, etc. WILL have a contract that CAN BE enforced if he fails to pay and there's consequences if he doesn't.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

I also want to add even if he texts you he'd pay, etc that is NOT good enough. Some police / courts will accept text messages however the general rule of thumb is figuratively anyone can be using his cell phone & thus can be agreed he never sent those texts.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

*argued he never sent those texts

[Screenwriter]

I don't know how long you've known this guy, but it's clear your finances are separate and YOU are insistent that this is a BOUNDARY that you don't want to breach.

This is one of the two reasons couples break up. Finances and infidelity.

You need to explain to him that THIS IS YOUR BOUNDARY and you're not making any exception. Let him get a loan from his credit union or bank. If he can't, then you're sorry. YOU ARE NOT A BANK or LENDING INSTITUTION.

Maybe he thinks this proves your love. It does not.

If he won't accept this, is it time you break up with this guy. He is unreasonable AND demanding.

[Asker]

We've been dating for 2 years now but don't live together. I don't feel good about giving him money and I'll stick firmly to my NO.

[Screenwriter]

Well, sounds like you have good reasons to NOT give him money, or trust him with yours. Maybe your relationship has run its course and you need to move on. Don't live with him, for sure.

[zeitgeist057]

It's fine that he asked. It's NOT fine that after you said no, he keeps pushing and getting more insistent about it. Definitely do NOT loan him the money now, because if you do, it just gives him the message that if you're not comfortable or don't want something, that he doesn't have to respect your boundary and all he has to do is be more persistent to get you to give in.

I don't know your relationship up to this point, but maybe you've already shown him in other ways that if you say no at first he just has to keep bugging you to change it to yes?

Anyway, if he want's to borrow money and can afford to do it, and is a good risk in terms of if he will pay it back, he should just go to the bank and get a loan. Or a check cashing place, or some other personal loan place. They may take his car or some other valuable item as collateral or a promised collateral. A pawn shop may also loan against some item (s) of value. If he doesn't have anything worth over $500, then I would be even more suspicious of loaning him money. He should just save for 5 months to get what he wants, if he can afford $100 a month. I would offer "Okay, give me $100 each month for 5 months, and at the end of 5 months, I'll give you $500. But if you miss a payment, I'll keep all the money!" lol

[Asker]

He usually respects my boundaries and this is the first time he ever insisted on anything. Even when we started dating (we're now 2 years into the relationship but don't live together), he respected me when I wasn't ready for sex too early. So him insisting for $500 was so unlike him.

[zeitgeist057]

He can use a bank. It's a bad idea to mix this. I have loaned money to personal contacts but it is a bad idea, I will only do it now with a written contract and real assets collateral.

[pierre7i]

It is absolutely a red flag that he keeps on being persistent, and to tell you he'll pay you back at $100/month without actually asking you what the ideal repayment plan for YOU would be suggests his finances are in a dire straight -- if you do give him the $500 don't be surprised if/when he tells you later he can't manage $100/month and takes much longer to repay you, perhaps he'll even ask you to lend him more !

I would strongly recommend you do not lend him this money, talk to him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable because it's likely to lead to financial arguments in the future, and ask him why he can't approach his bank for a small loan

And if he doesn't like it, and keeps pushing you to give him the $500, then still turn him down and walk away from him ! He seems to be totally disregarding your discomfort and is only thinking of himself - imagine what it'll be like if your relationship becomes committed/permanent, he'll be leeching you for money all the time imho !

[Asker]

Good points indeed. We don't even live together. He works but I'm now assuming he must be in debts, which is already bad. He won't provide any further details on what exactly that ''family emergency'' is. So I'm sticking to my NO. I'm not giving him any money.

[pierre7i]

Good on you ! Hold absolutely firm on this, no matter what !

[OlderAndWiser]

Asking the first time is a red flag, persisting in asking after your initial denial is grounds to say AMF, au revoir, adios, see you later, alligator!

[Paris13]

He Needs to Come Clean with You as to WHY-----He Needs it. If He doesn't Want to Divulge Anything, I'd be Suspicious. If He is Honest, Get it in Writing a 100 a month. But Can You Trust Him to Pay it back? xx

[Asker]

No I'm not giving him any money. I don't feel comfortable about it.

[Paris13]

You Probably won''t Get Paid Back and Once you Begin It, You will Have to Keep Doing it. xxoo

[AviatorTom]

It's not a bad sign, but it is unusual. Why not offer him a compromise. Offer to loan him $100 and see what he says. If he goes berserk, then you'll know his asking for money is a bad sign. If he calmly accepts it, there's no problem.

[Asker]

The fact that he won't explain why he really needs it for, when, to whom nor show any proof of that urgency is already making me thinking something weird is going on. I need a full explanation before giving out money.

[coachTanthony]

Not at all it’s 2023 it’s time women take care of their men.

[Asker]

I've never in my life ased anyone for money. Secondly, we don't live together either. I have my own house. I take care of myself.
I refuse to give him money, esp when he isn't providing me any further details on what exactly is the family emergency about. I don't feel good about giving him money.

[coachTanthony]

I was being sarcastic …you need to run …he’s probably either a gambler a drug addict or terribly bad with money 💰

[Midnight_Kiss]

Don't do it, stick to your guns I made the mistake of loaning a friends partner £1065 to cover his debt because they were expecting a baby, I told him to pay me back £50 pcm from six months after the baby was born, the baby was born in October 2010 he still owes me £815 and has blocked me on all forms of contact, my friend fell out with me for telling her she was liable if he didn't pay as she asked me to loan it him and I only obliged because we had been friends since primary school, however she says she isn't responsible for it as they split up when the baby was nine months old so his debts are nothing to do with her.

[Asker]

That sucks. I'm sorry to hear you never got a large part of your money back. I'm having a bad feeling he won't pay it back. This is the type of thing that destroys friendships and relationships. I don't feel like giving him any money due to the fact that he was persistent after saying no and he won't explain further what that emergency is all about.

[Midnight_Kiss]

The fact he won't explain himself is an even bigger red flag, I at least got them to show me the letters from the debt collectors so I knew that it was for what they stated.

[Adaeva]

That wasn't a total loss. You got an education.

[Lliam]

It's a vague reason. And even the fact that it's a round number ($500) is suspicious. I mean, it's not like "I need $480 to get my sister's car out of impound."

I wouldn't do it. People have taken the money and run for less money than that.

Doesn't he have any credit cards? Can't he get loan from a bank?

This doesn't sound good.

[Asker]

It is suspicious. He has a job and I assume he can pay it himself but for some weird ''family emergency'' (he won't explain further what the emergency really is) he needs the money.
Then again I don't really know if he's in debts or not. We don't even live together.

[ArrowheadSW]

Looking through this thread, I see that he can't really even give you a specific reason for this except that it is some vague family emergency. So that makes it weird. The fact that this is the first time in the 2 years that you've been dating is somewhat of a plus. But the fact that he sprung this on you without specifics makes it questionable. Does he make a decent wage at his job? I wonder why he doesn't have any money saved.

[Asker]

Well we don't really share our wage information and don't live together but he works and we live in our own homes so I was assuming he was able to take care of himself and handle his bills until he asked for money.
I'm sticking to my NO. I'm not giving him any money.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

$500 today, $5000 tomorrow & you’ll never see your money again. As for me I’m a friend when I’m a friend & when it comes to money I’m not your friend & I’m not a bank as well. Tell your boyfriend if he wants the money tell him to ask his employer for an advance in salary & if he is unemployed good luck.

[Asker]

yeah this is what I'm afraid of. I've heard that once you give them money, they'll never stop asking for more later on. Good point.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Unfortunately your boyfriend is going to have to man up & get his shit together & if he needs the money that bad he’s going to have to get a second job or a payday loan. What is the family crisis?

[Asker]

He won't tell me what the family crisis is. He didn't want to go into further detail.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

If your boyfriend will not disclose what the family crisis is don’t give him anything. You are in a relationship with him, he asks you for money, tells you it’s for a family crisis & when you ask he doesn’t tell you. To be honest something is fishy here & to be honest if you see a future relationship with with this guy good luck.

[Adaeva]

Other than a nominal amount such as $10, lending money to friends and family is not wise. Tell him, "At this time, I can't afford it but I might be able to spare $20 if that would help." You could ask for a promissory note due within 6 months plus attorney fees, if required for collection, along with a lien on his car." That was you can collect or repossess his and sell his car at an auction to get your money. However, if you take that very reasonable precaution, you will make him very angry.

Therefore, tell him "No and it is not open for discussion" or better yet, I suggest breaking up with him. You don't need that problem and you don't need a boyfriend that will never pay the debt.

[Exterminatore]

To be clear, he’s not asking you for money, he’s asking to borrow it.


Don’t know why he’s so insistent. I’d tell him to take out a line of credit and he can pay them back $100 a month.


Which brings me to the next thing. If he’s unable to qualify for a credit card or bank loan then he must have poor credit which would indicate he doesn’t pay his debts.


Bottom line is you said no, you’re uncomfortable with it, and he should respect your boundaries.

[Exterminatore]

I’d further add the fact he has no emergency fund for himself also indicates he manages money poorly. A $500 emergency is not a big one. That’s practically chump change these days. I can fart $500.

[BoopBoopBeep]

To add to @Exterminatore 's wonderful post... additionally if there is some "family emergency" and nobody in his family can come up with $500... red flag.

That you don't even know what it IS outside of "family emergency"... red flag. You want my money you don't get privacy. Try that ist at a bank. Hi Mr. Banker I need a loan for 10,000. What for? I don't want to talk about it. GTFO. I'd have less issue if it was significant money. $500 doesn't fix very "emergency" things. That'd be a pretty low deductible (but not unheard of) on insurance. I loaned my ex 25 or 30k one time for a business venture, but we had a contract to back it up and she was good for the money, just didn't have it in liquid assets and the market was raging so liquidating sucks. This guy wants installment plan for $100 a month? This ain't walmart layaway get your broke ass a job.

[Exterminatore]

@Boop

Thank you and you have some excellent points yourself. You are quite right. $500 doesn’t fix too many emergencies.

[msc545]

@BoopBoopBeep well said

[Yannishka]

Ask him exactly why he needs it. A specific reason and a detailed one is what you need. And if you are willing to pay, don't give him the 500. Pay for it yourself, in person.
That way you paid and helped him, and he can't do anything shady with given money.

[Asker]

He won't specify what the family emergency is exactly about. I'm not giving him the money.

[Anonymous]

You know your relationship better than anyone else so no one can answer this better than you.

Personally it would gut me as a man to have to ask my girlfriend friend for money. Even if she was willing I still wouldn't want to do it. I don't know this guy. But if asked and my girlfriend said no that would be then end of the discussion for me. Why is not relevant. She said no.

I am concerned that he said "you don't trust me". Even if he really feels that way, that's a guilt trip move. No guy or woman should do that.

I know what my answer would be in this situation but I'm not going to tell you because this is your relationship. But hopefully I gave you a little to think about.

[Anonymous]

lol i've been with my parter for almost 7 years and ain't no way i'm giving him $500 when he can make his own money... have him drive uber eats for a few days or a week and he'll get the money himself or at least close. it's really not THAT hard. there are ways...

also, did he even explain the urgency? or did he just call it "some urgency" "family crisis"

if you were really that close to your boyfriend, wouldn't you know his family issues?

[Asker]

Nope he didn't explain further. I'm not giving him a single penny.

[sheikalana]

I don't know about your relationship but to me that doesn't sound good. I've had someone asking me for money in the past and he never paid me back. I'm not saying the same is going to happen to you but is just a heads up. The fact that he keeps asking and insisting doesn't sound good either. Next time he asks tell him you don't have that money and tell him not to ask you for money again.

[Asker]

I have a bad feeling about giving him money. I never had anyone asked me for money before that it seems weird to me. We don't even live together so I don't think it makes sense giving him money.

[EmyyWolf]

LMAOOOO!! That’s why you don’t choose a broke guy. 😂😂😂🫵🫵

I would never. The women who can get pregnant are the ones who need resources not the the man!! 😂😂😂

What a joker that guy 🤡🤡🤡🤡 I would break up right there. Time to open the Instagram DMS. 🖕🖕🖕🖕

[richardcory]

The only condition where I think you should consider it is if there is a specific emergency that can be fixed with $500. Like "my father is in the hospital and I need to fly out and see him. They don't think he is going to make it" sort of thing.

A generic "emergency" could be anything. So I don't think you shoudl give him the money

[Asker]

yeah he won't specify. I'm not giving him any money.

[Anonymous]

I know several people I've been longtime friends with in the tennis industry who are VERY well off. 1 is a former world #4. Another is a 2 time USTA National Coach of the Year. I know them because we all have the sport in common, as I was once a national juniors tennis player. I've been homeless on the sidewalk. I've NEVER ONCE asked them for any money, or to go to them and put me up. I've had to adjust, readjust, sacrifice, get treated like shit, freeze people out... and guess what? Now I've moved up, and am NOWHERE NEAR that situation. A few things. 1. I don't have friends for the purpose of panhandling. I have them because we share common interests. 2. No one wants to hear my sob stories and I already know that. I dug MYSELF that hole AND I GOT MYSELF OUT OF IT. It's MY life. Your guy can't hack it. It's that simple. I don't want someone like that by me in a challenging situation. They won't make it.

[FreyaRed]

"Is this a bad sign right?"
yes

Do you want lose a friend? lend him/her money. I suppose it works in relationship either. If he really likes you he will accept a no as answer and swallow the bitter pill, if he starts to complain you wouldn't see this money ever again if you decided to give it to him.

[msc545]

Do not lend money or borrow money from anyone, and particularly from anyone who is a friend or lover. It can easily destroy a relationship.

In this case, the fact that your boyfriend is asking you for money is indeed a bad sign -if you refuse, it may end your relationship, and if you agree, it is still very likely to end your relationship later on.

[Meropatrick]

I dont respect a man who asks a woman for money. A man is able to work and earn for himself. If he is asking a woman Especially a woman he is dating he ruined his image. Bcs he is supposed to be the provider. If a man can't provide and protect then he lost his role in the mating field