I slapped my boyfriend and felt horrible, what can I do moving forward (he wants to stay together)?

Question

Been dating for almost 2 years, never got physical at all up until last night. We were arguing, he started yelling and wouldn't hear me out so I lost control and slapped him, even though it was gentle (not as hard as how we would slap each other during sex) but I felt horrible. It was out of character of me and I've never been physical before. I know what I did was wrong and there's no excuses for this. I'm usually always in control of my emotions during arguments but I exploded and got triggered because of his yelling. He's been pretty selfish and lacked awareness in the past even his friends and siblings complained about it (we've argued a lot about this but he doesn't realize how his behavior affects his surroundings), always blaming me for every thing, getting angry over little things then telling me that I'm just over reacting and it's all in my head when he was the one that started the argument... so last night I finally stood up to him, called him out on his behavior but I went overboard and resorted to getting physical with him which is very terrible.

He's mostly a great guy and I know I messed up. I told him that I'm willing to take responsibilities for my action and will be okay if/when he decides to leave me. I saw a lot of support groups for abuse victims but not much for the abuser themselves. I've made a vow to never slap or resort to violence ever again especially since it is not in my nature. I felt ashamed and terrible for hurting my boyfriend. So any advice on what can I do moving forward (to help and support my boyfriend) and also to better myself in the future would be greatly appreciated...

TIA! (Also please try to be respectful in your responses, I know I'm a POS, just genuinely need help to better myself)

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Here are some recommendations for moving forward in a positive way:

• Apologize sincerely and acknowledge the harm you caused. Say you understand if he needs space and time to process.

• Offer to go to couple's counseling to work on communication and conflict resolution skills in a healthy way. This can help rebuild trust.

• Reflect on what triggered your outburst and develop coping skills to manage intense emotions in the future. Consider seeing a therapist individually.

• Commit to never using physical violence again, no matter the circumstances. Make a plan for how you'll remove yourself from an escalating argument in the future instead.

• Do not make excuses. Own your actions fully and take full responsibility. Do not blame your boyfriend for your violent behavior.

• Practice active listening when your boyfriend wants to discuss how this impacted him. Resist the urge to be defensive.

• Consider anger management courses or therapy focused on reducing violent impulses. You can learn healthier outlets for emotions.

• Be patient. Rebuilding trust will take time and consistent actions on your part. Stick to your commitments.

• Recognize that your boyfriend may need space or time away from the relationship. Respect his boundaries and reactions.

• Look inward and reflect on what healing or growth you need within yourself to break patterns that led to this. Your own wellbeing is key.

With self-reflection, commitment to personal growth and empathy for your boyfriend, you can move this relationship forward in a positive, healthy direction. I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Peter_Penetrator · Accepted Answer

Is there anything different going on in his life that could be stressing him?

We all reach our breaking point and in the heat of the moment we do bad things. The best thing for me is if I feel like I am going to become violent during heated arguments; I walk away. Normally I choose to sleep at a relatives or friends house so we both can calm down.

I was married for 18 years. Towards the end of my marriage I just stopped talking to my ex. She loved to argue in hopes I would get weak and give in. It took me years to realize that her dad’s side of the family were narcissists. Unfortunately for me, my ex, ex sister in law, late, ex father in law and my ex wife’s two adult children were all also narcissists. Talk about being outnumbered.

Has your boyfriend always been this argumentative? My ex and I argued at the very least of once a week. As I asked at the top, has anything changed in his life that could be stressing him. Is he open minded enough that the two of you can seek counseling? Two years. That’s getting up there close to engagement. It is good he wants to stay with you. But, you have to consider your mental health. If you were pushed far enough to slap him, maybe you need to resort to the old “I need some space”. Maybe that could open him up to counseling.

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

Let me start by saying I think it’s great that you’ve taken accountability for your actions, and realize what you did was wrong, that takes a lot of courage and self awareness. However, it sounds like your relationship is toxic to the extent that maybe you need some space from one another, so you can work on yourself. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear, you are looking for solutions, I understand.

The thing is, mending a relationship cannot take priority over your mental health, and when you two are constantly arguing to where it heightens so much that you want to lash out, it rips apart any progress you make to better yourself, since your relationship in itself is a trigger. It’s can’t be just on him to end the relationship, not when you know deep down it’s for the best at this point in time. Take some space from one another, and if you’re truly meant to be, it will work out in the future,

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Accepted Answer

Start going to a therapy, I’ve been there…

I felt so guilty, I did my best to pay back with kindness for my aggression, I became absolute best version of myself for him, always understanding, forgiving, kind, patient.

I wanted to be my best version to compensate for the guilt I felt.

It never stopped.

I started feeling grateful that he stayed with me after all.

And that’s where our relationship went downhill.

He started complaining that I changed, that he missed me when I was heartless, that he loved me more when I was not so patient and when I was myself, even if I wasn’t so kind.

All in all, it ended.

Please, go to therapy and take care of your emotions, so you can be 100% certain your emotions won’t take the best out of you and you’ll never ever touch another person.

Never.

Try to adapt ways for expressing aggression, without physical aggression.

I wish you all the best.

I can feel your pain.

AviatorTom · Answer

You apologize to him and beg forgiveness. And make sure you never do it again.

Your boyfriend showed excellent self-control in not hitting you back when you hit him. There are no such guarantees in the future.

WillNye · Answer

You aren’t a POS everyone makes mistakes. What is really important is how you are reacting based on your morals. You are aware of how bad it was to do that and show remorse. That is a huge factor on how you move forward. It is unfortunate that you had to learn or actually realize how inappropriate this behavior is through direct experience, but it is experience nonetheless. I know how it feels to want to resort to inappropriate actions when you don’t feel heard nor are given any option to progress. Always remember there are ALWAYS other options. If the relation is getting you to the point where you feel the need to use a subtle violent tactic in order to stand up for yourself it might be a healthy idea to contemplate moving on from the relationship. However, I understand neither of you want to do this. Moving forward you should keep in mind that the affects of this incident could be long lasting and even showing up in subtle ways through his behavior. I’m sure you have already apologized and verbally reassured him that it wouldn’t happen again. You could also work on toning down how intensely you get during arguments prior to the slap. BE CAREFUL not do this and have your maturity taken advantage of in the process by him. It is clear from the way you both argue and the opinions from family and friends that more discipline is needed from both sides. You should discuss as much as this as possible. Yes you made a mistake but it doesn’t mean you are a horrible person or that you need to step down and become more submissive in order to fix anything. Keep standing your ground, create boundaries and if all else fails you should exit the relationship maturely. I hope it works out for the best!

EricSummer · Answer

You see your mistake in using violence which already goes a long way to improve down the line. I like it that you are not seeking excuses when explaining your behavior.

The courses for perpetrators of domestic violence are often called "anger management". For now you could monitor your behavior and see if it really does not reoccur. However, if it does be ready to enrol right away. You will then need some help.

If you want to have kids in the future it could be a good idea anyway to learn anger management techniques. Do not underestimate how very angry children can at times make a parent. I trust you would not want to be a parent whose hand has a tendency to occasionally "slip".

This way you can feed two birds with one scone (the non-violent alternative for killing two birds with one stone).

Alli39 · Answer

Maybe try therapy or couples therapy? Even if you don't have some kind of mental health thing going on, you probably are dealing with a lot emotionally to resort to physical violence and it might help to have someone on board who can help you figure out what's going on and why you're having more extreme reactions to things.

Either way, definitely sort out some boundaries and de-escalation techniques for future conflicts. And this may sound odd, but if you ever have this kind of reaction (or even the inclination) again, I'd suggest being the one to end you your relationship. If whatever is happening between you too is enough to result in a physical altercation, you might want consider if you guys are really good for each other. That, of course, would be an extremely difficult choice and one I hope you don't have to make.

You clearly made a mistake, but it seems like you're doing the right thing.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

You were doing great up until "but I exploded and got triggered because of his yelling." However you feel is on you. Nobody can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your actions regardless of anything he was yelling about or if he's the biggest a-hole on the planet. If the latter is the case, dump him. If it's not, that's on you. If you yelled at him and he hit you, I'm sure you wouldn't like it.

There's a saying, when apologizing, nothing before "but" ever counts.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

The fact that you are acknowledging that there was no excuse to get physical, fully apologized and are taking full responsibility for your actions is a sign of very high emotional maturity. You sound a lot like how I am. Very good for a long time, but everybody has their limits. I do suggest seeking out a therapist to help vent and learn some techniques to control your frustrations. I didn’t think it would’ve but going to one for a couple years really helped me.
That said, it does sound like your boyfriend has a habit of being argumentative and dismissing of your opinions and point of view. This isn’t normal or sustainable either and needs to be worked through if you want to have a good, health relationship. I think some couples therapy was a good idea. But if he’s completely against it…it’s going to cause more problems in the future.

Wonderingguyy · Answer

Good on you for being so apologetic and recognising that what you did was wrong. You’re boyfriend can hopefully see how regretful you are and how bad you feel, and hopefully that works in your favour! Just keep doing nice little things for him showing that you want this to still work out between you, and if you can do something a little bit more dramatic to show him, like join a support group for abusers (I know you’re not a full on abuser and you don’t have to stay for long) but this action itself would show your boyfriend how serious you are about what you did, and the fact that you would be making yourself go to that will show him just how sorry you are. Good luck 🙂

Anonymous · Answer

I think that a lot of the talk about domestic violence these days has people over-reacting.

There's a big difference between a woman hitting a man and a man hitting a woman. A man is usually much stronger than a woman, which is why it's worse when a man hits. A woman hitting will do little damage, and if it goes too far the man can defend himself.

Should you have done it? Of course not. But you don't need to beat yourself up about it too much. You've already apologised, you realised you went too far, just don't do it again.

Billlewis · Answer

I think the first thing you need to do is give yourself a break; despite what some of the 'virtue signaling' crowd will tell you, there really isn't anything wrong with a woman slapping a guy's face with an open hand. My guess is that if you found it necessary to slap him, he probably deserved it, and you shouldn't dwell on it. I wouldn't be surprised if he admits later that he thinks you did the right thing.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I slapped my chick the other night. Fighting about something stupid and then she decided she needs to go wake my kid up (our kid). I calmly grabbed her and pulled her into the other room, and slapped her. "Leave the kid alone" and I just left and started playing video games. The argument was over.

The next morning I said "You're lucky I didn't throw you down the stairs" and she agreed. Haven't heard shit about it since. I think she just understands that the kids need to not be involved in our stupid spats. It's a line, and if she crosses it, I will pick her up and throw her into some furniture.

She can chew me out all she wants and I am emotionless. Involve those kids though and you'll probably be what I use to remove the ceiling fan.

Viktor001 · Answer

You can go to therapy but from what I can see and as you said his siblings and friends then he is bringing the worst out of you because he is affecting his surroundings with negativity and instead of taking responsibility he blames others, sounds like he is a narcissist to be honest.

I don't know you or him, I could be wrong but it's just what I am picking up from what I read.

Anonymous · Answer

It sounds like this was toxic way before it became physical. The slap was a manifestation of all of the other non physical toxicity. The fact that he wants to stay together after that, and that you are also remaining with him shows that neither of you are actively moving toxicity out of your lives, but instead unwittingly inviting it in to stay.

sheikalana · Answer

You need to apologize and show that you genuinely regret what you did. Reassure him that this isn't going to happen again. Take accountability for what you did. Violence is unacceptable.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Tell him you’re sorry and you’ll never do that again. And mean it! Which it sounds like you do.

236color · Answer

You do realize if you were a man, you could be in jail right now.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

No excuse for domestic violence. You're lucky he dosen't go to the police. You need help to control your anger.

gduffey83 · Answer

Own up too it, don't make excuses or feel the need to over explain, he's a tough guy I'm sure, if it were me and I knew you felt bad and actually acknowledged u did something wrong I'd be quick to let it go.

Anonymous · Answer

just apologize and dont do it again. You are lucky he reacted the way he did. I did the same to my ex and he spanked me smh

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know. I would have dumped you. It doesn't matter how mad I am, I would never hit my girlfriend. It's never even been a thought that crossed my mind. I expect the same from her.

Meropatrick · Answer

Support group for abusers? Wtf abusers r s strong enough to support themselves.

I slapped my boyfriend and felt horrible, what can I do moving forward (he wants to stay together)?

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