Boyfriend dumped me due to weight gain?

Question

I gained a lot of weight and now he won’t have sex with me  K looong story short. I (F28) have been with husband (M30) for 7 years. Sex was always really good! For years. When I met him I was struggling to stay thin and kept it up for about 4 years. I was always hungry and worked out a lot but I “looked like a model” his words. He’s in shape, not fat at all kinda runner swimmer body. I think he’s so hot! Anyways, I couldn’t do it anymore and just let go... weigh creeped on but no big deal for a while. Fast forward 3 years and I’m up like 80 lbs. (actually I think it’s more than that now) Now we never have sex. Oh we tried a lot but it got harder and harder. I’ll give you an example of the last few times. I’ll give him oral and he’s good and ready to go and then we start and he goes soft. Try again, same thing. Position doesn’t matter. He’s fine with bj’s but can’t keep it up for sex. Omg I don’t even like getting oral or fingers I just want to be f____ at this point! I can’t remember the last time we did. I like doing him first but need more. I just can not stay unnaturally thin anymore. We love each other and everything else is great. No kids. Help me please!

Miristheiss · Accepted Answer

Ok.

Sounds normal.

Physical attraction is a good part of a relationship. Everyone ages of course. Maybe a little weight gain can be expected but if you do a bait and switch and become a 100% different person... he commits to the hottie and then she become obese and 100% physically unattractive then we've got some big issues.

I know women like to just claim that once a commitment is made a mad is bound to just love and accept everything, always be there, nothing should change, he should see through all the fat and just see the woman inside he fell in love with. If he truly loved her he'd accept ANYTHING. He gets to have no standards or boundaries. If she gets so fat he never wants to have sex anymore then he is bound to be celibate then because he committed to her 5 years ago so he isn't allowed to change that based on the current situation. If she wants to go out clubbing and drinking and getting hit on at the bars... he should just accept that and not be controlling. If he loved her he'd accept her for her bad behavior, if you commit to a tattoo free girl who now has 10 tattoos, he is shallow to leave her and should let something "MINOR" like permanent ink marks that forever change her to be a big deal to him. If she was debt free when the commitment came but now she has wracked up 100,000 dollars in debt, he should see past that and support her in her debt... blah, blah, blah.

If you listen to women talk about men, no man is ever good enough for a woman. Her friends will encourage 1,000 reasons to leave a man and everything is always his fault. Even if she cheats... it is his fault, he wasn't there for her, or he worked too much, or neglected her needs and didn't give enough attention. He MADE her cheat... she is never to blame.

Mates should do their best to provide the needs of their mate and to serve and help each other. They should make an effort to do things that make the other feel loved and try to stay attractive for each other. Stay fit, dress up from time to time, fix themselves up. Not commit and then just become routine, couch potatoes who let themselves go, wear sweats all the time, never court, never go out.

If you've put on almost 100 pounds I doubt he wants you physically anymore. Now he is celibate.

I know western people with their sugary drinks and lay around watching tv lives, processed foods, junk foods, huge portions, eat because they are bored lifestyles deceive themselves into thinking everyone puts on 30-50 pounds as they age. That is a lie. People's lifestyles should involve constant movement and exercise and walking, doing and junk food should be an occasional treat.

If someone let's themselves go that badly and acts as if that is the new them and it is permanent and they are powerless to get fit then I would expect the romantic relationship to end and for them to find another mate who takes care of themself

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Please take no offense , I am just giving you an honest answer from a male perspective, I am not taking sides cuz I don’t know you or your husband but it sounds to me , Your weight gain is turning him off , why he no longer wants to have sex with you , or is staying hard for you , Sadly a lot of guy’s are very visual when they see a girl that catches his eye , most guys are drawn to a girls’ beauty first , then her personality etc.. so it sounds like he still loves you and cares about you , but your weight gain isn’t doing it for him sexually anymore , especially if he is working out like crazy and trying to stay fit and lean himself , , so the fact that you had given up on exercising and staying lean , is a turn off to him , he is probably noticing other girls’ that exercise daily Like he does , that focus on staying fit and lean basically what he is attracted to when he met you , so if he doesn’t find you attractive like you were to him before, he is going to have a hard time getting turned on by you and please don’t take this the wrong way but there could be a chance that he strays on you if fit lean girls is his attraction , because if a guy is no longer attracted to his girl or wants to have sex with her that is a red flag that he might be up to no good and if that is the case that you need to dump his ass and move on , but if he is still showing you love and respect and wants to stay by your side , you are best to start getting yourself back in gear and start exercising again , if he loves you and cares about you , he will help support you by helping you get back on track , He can’t force you to exercise , only you can make that choice and decision , if you love him and want to keep him by your side you are best to talk to him and tell him that you would like to get back in shape so can you help me get motivated again , Do not say I want to look good for you , or he will feel you are just doing it to appease him , But When he notices you trying to get yourself back on track he will more Than likely support you on your journey which will make him want you again. But only you can make That decision

Rei13 · Accepted Answer

I just want to say that your value is not determined by how much you weigh. When my boyfriend and I got together I was morbidly obese for my height and he normally went for skinnier girls. But we went to the gym together and I changed how I ate (not starving myself) and I lost a lot of the weight. He changed how he ate around me as well to support me (though we do have some cheat meals, it’s not always all healthy). Physical attraction is important for sure and I can see how that would be a struggle when bodies change, but I hope that he supports you in losing the weight by eating similarly to you (as in he isn’t eating a whole pizza as you eat a salad for example) and going to the gym with you if that is what you both decide to do. If he isn’t supporting you then let him go, relationships are a team

sheikalana · Accepted Answer

Do you have any health conditions that make it difficult for you to lose weight? If not you’re just making excuses. You let yourself go and while it’s normal for people to change over the years you should never take things for granted and stop making effort in your relationship. It’s an equal give and take on both sides. Gaining weight in not only about lack of exercise most of the times has to do with what you eat and from your pictures it looks like you’ve been eating way too much. Don’t blame your husband on this is not entirely his fault. You stopped putting some effort and he stopped wanting to desire you. I’m sorry if I’m being too harsh.

AviatorTom · Answer

I'm confused... what's really the question. Do you want yo lose weight or do you want to get fucked? Or maybe both?

You let yourself go, gain weight, and in his mind, that's an I indication that you don't really care... about yourself... or him. Confirmed by your frustration that he won't fuck you.

If you want to save the relationship, you need to save yourself first. Get into a weight-loss program, let him know that you want to do that.

Pinay_ako · Answer

Let him go. He’s shallow and that’s not love.

exitseven · Answer

I used to be fat. I got into an exercise program and trained with weights and later became a distance runner. It was really hard at first but I made up my mind that I was not going to be fat my whole life. I integrated it into my life and started hanging out with other guys from the gym and joined a running club. Since your husband is into fitness you might suggest activities the two of you could do together like bike riding or kayaking that would have an exercise component that you could both enjoy

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

You have a misunderstanding of what "unnaturally thin" means. In that first picture you're not "unnaturally thin" your height-weight appropriate. I do marathons in body armor and I don't eat 4000 calories a day. I've also known people who did gastric bypass surgery and still put on weight, because they just ate more frequently to make up for it and still ate crap, so if you're not going to take any action and accountability than save yourself the money and complications and skip the surgery.

Look at those two pictures. The difference is a 14 year old girl's worth of weight. Decide which of those lifestyles makes you happier, and if you choose the latter, do both of yourselves a favor and break up with him.

I used to be really fat, so this comes from a place of concern and understanding, no matter how harsh it may sound. Looks like you could have used that 80 lbs ago. Good luck to you.

Levin · Answer

I don't mean to be horrible but I'm 5' 11 and around 150 lbs. On the weekend I will work out for 2.5 hours a day. Like we all struggle with some aspect in our lives but that doesn't give us the excuse to give up. I mean, what is the excuse exactly? That your health doesn't matter and a cream cake is more important?

As for your relationship, well, physical attraction is important. I'm sure you love each other. But if a girl is going to put on excess weight, I'm just not going to be physically attracted to her.

blueonblack22 · Answer

This is a tough situation. Very tough.

I’ve had an old saying that you should never hold someone to a higher standard then I would not hold myself to.

Did your boyfriend let himself go and gain weight too? And if yes was it 80lbs? Or did he maintain while you got big. Also did he encourage you to exercise (while doing it too?). Or did he just say nothing.

You put him in a very difficult position. He probably felt damned if you or damned if you don’t whether he stayed with you or not.

But I couldn’t expect a woman to stay physically attracted to me if I lost my looks for reasons I could control (mass weight gain). Hell men can’t even expect women to stay attracted to then for reasons they can not control (balding, unexpected financial crisis, etc.) Women reject men for reasons men have little or no control over all time.

But this is tough.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

I'm sorry to hear about this. I know it's hard to stay at a healthy weight. That said, Id go to therapy with your husband and a nutritionist to help you stay at a healthy weight.

Being morbidly obese isn't healthy for you period. Being a normal BMI or close to it should be the goal. That is for health purposes because as you age it is even harder to maintain and lose weight so you should want to be healthy. Not unhealthy skinny. Were you under normal range of BMI on the before picture?

If it's not clear I'm not trying to shame you. I struggle to maintain my weight but for me it's worth it for my health to struggle and to continue to work hard at it. I'm not getting any younger so I chose to struggle and win. You can do the same. It won't be easy but with support and a nutritionist you can do it.

As for your husband.. like I said therapy is needed for both of you.

Kaamraj · Answer

You are responsible for every morsel of food that goes in your mouth hence every kilo of weight you gain or lose. Any relationship between a man and woman is based on exchange of physical and emotional intimacy from the woman's side and resource provisioning form the man's side. If the man fails at his obligation that is finances then the woman doesn't miss a heartbeat in either leaving him or divorcing. However if the woman fails to uphold her end of the deal, why should it be different?

slatyb · Answer

"Anyways, I couldn’t do it anymore and just let go... weigh creeped on but no big deal for a while. Fast forward 3 years and I’m up like 80 lbs. (actually I think it’s more than that now) "

Did you discuss this with him at any point? Did you imagine he wouldn't notice, or wouldn't care?

inhua · Answer

is he your husband or your boyfriend? husbands divorce. boyfriends dump

Grovermint · Answer

Honestly, you need to decide for yourself whether he's important enough to you to change or if you should get a divorce. Only you can do this. Weight loss is doable, but if it makes you miserable, get a divorce. He can't change what he's physically attracted to.

DextroShade · Answer

Gaining 80 lbs is completely unacceptable and I don't blame him not finding you attractive anymore. Women who do this to men are the worst. You getting fat is equivalent to him becoming broke with no job. It also shows that you don't respect your husband or even yourself. Unless he is homeless he deserves better.

Here's what you should do: apologize to your husband for letting yourself go to this extent and cut out any and all carbs such bread, pasta, potatoes, and sugar.

JSmuve · Answer

Jesus Christ I thought your "before" picture was your "after" picture until I scrolled down. I can't believe your before pic was when you were 21. You look mid 30s in it at least. Anyways, ya. I don't know what to tell you.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

You're obese in the second image. You need to lose that extra weight or you will end up with serious diseases. Gastric bypass or other surgical or medication options won't work and will also causes diseases.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

I don’t know what to say. I’d recommend bringing toys into the bedroom since he can’t stay hard for you.

Staximus · Answer

Have some self discipline and just stop eating so much. Count calories and don't eat or drink more than 1500 a day. Cut out sweets, soda (including diet soda), white flour, etc

pink_blah · Answer

Is he planning on divorcing you specifically because of your weight?

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Is this a boyfriend or husband? And has he actually dumped you or is it just your sex life has stopped?

Unit1 · Answer

Have you considered liposuction and reducing the amount of sugar you consume? Also check if you're prediabetic.

supercutebutt · Answer

He's a jerk. Get revenge by eating him. Problem solved. :)

Boyfriend dumped me due to weight gain?

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