Can you be sexually attracted to someone and think they are nice but not want to date them?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused and sad because I’ve been dating a guy and he said he didn’t want to keep dating me but if I wanted to have sex without dating we could and I asked what had made him change his mind and he told me “I’m sexually attracted to you and you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met but I don’t think we would get along in a relationship because our music tastes are too different.” The thing is I don’t think I’ll find a lot of straight men who share my taste in music so if this is a deal breaker I’m probably not going to meet anybody

[Jamie05rhs]

Yes. This does happen. (A lot, actually.)

"The thing is I don’t think I’ll find a lot of straight men who share my taste in music so if this is a deal breaker I’m probably not going to meet anybody." I think you should tell him what you just told us. I think this is a very valid point! That you have a unique taste in music and that there really aren't a lot of people in the world who share your musical tastes. It's not just him. I think this will maybe allow him to see things from a different perspective.

I KNOW that for people who are very passionate about music (like me), music is VERY important to us. So I do understand how he feels. (I kinda feel the same way myself. I have wrestled with this issue. I one rejected a great girl because she was into shitty music, and I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision or not.) But maybe there are other things that are more important. And maybe we need to pick our battles. I don't know.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for the MHO!

[ManOnFire]

Unfortunately it is extremely common for people to be sexually attracted to someone but not want to date them. Both men and women. Even for me as a demisexual man there are a handful of women I know that I would have sex with but not be interested in dating. But I think you should stop seeing him and don't let him try to sleep with you, even if you think doing it will make him love you. Walk away from that.

As for your music taste, it probably isn't that hopeless. Men I think are more varied and surprising than women, and we tend to listen to some pretty interesting (and sometimes weird) types of music.

[coachTanthony]

It's your overall package. When a guy sees himself long term with someone music wouldn't be a deal breaker hell he would embrace the differences.

[Pinay_ako]

Yes you can be sexually attracted to someone but don’t wanna date them.

[AviatorTom]

Of course, that's what a friends with benefits is.

[DarkWinterNights]

Sounds like someone with a lot of options. He likes you, he enjoys the sex but there are other women he’s interested in pursuing. You can wait around for him, but he won’t respect you and he’ll likely never be satisfied. I suggest finding someone who will enjoy you for you.


The music was definitely an excuse and a poor one at that… though- what type of music do you like?

[Asker]

Thank you, you made good points. I think he’s not totally over his ex too and he likes to flirt in general and maybe he was put off by the fact that I was so into him. I don’t know. I’m really shy/low key but I like listening to extravagant divas haha like Beyoncé, Cher, Diana Ross, Madonna, but I mostly listen to them when I’m by myself or I like to listen to music while I clean or am multitasking. When I was with this guy we listened to the kind of music he liked and he got frustrated that I didn’t know any songs by the musicians he liked but I was willing to learn about them

[DarkWinterNights]

Oof. Not Madonna!

I kid. But really I don’t think it has to do with your taste in music. I think you’re probably right about his ex. If he’s not totally over her or she did some damage on the way out he may not be keen on getting serious again for awhile and your interest maybe turned him off. If so, you probably didn’t do anything wrong, just wasn’t meant to be.. sorry 😕

[Fireguy17]

Yes, speaking for myself in my younger years, I slept/had sex with many women that I wasn't interested in dating, but they were pretty, good/great in bed, so sure if I could get laid I was happy to have sex with them.
Now just to be fair I may not have been their first choice either, or they may not have wanted to have a relationship with me as well.
But I was available, safe, not bad in bed, made sure they were always well satisfied, but they may have not liked my personality, life stye, anything, but if the wanted to have sex I was there.
It might be the same way for him, not saying anything bad about you or your personality, or he just likes to keep a "haram" so when he wants to get laid he has options.
Not all guys are like that, but there are quite a few that are.

[Ironic_Method]

Certainly. There are plenty of attractive, wonderful women out there that I won't date simply because we don't have enough in common. I don't think music tastes is necessarily a dealbreaker, but hobbies are for me.

[Asker]

Thanks, that makes me feel better that it’s not because I’m not good enough-he’s from a different ethnicity/background and his interests are very different than mine. Personally I like people who are different than me but I think a lot of people look for people who are more similar

[Ironic_Method]

People do tend to do that for relationships as it's easier to coexist if you have things in common. People are also naturally resistant to change. If music is super important to him, it makes sense that he'd want someone with the same tastes.

[Asker]

Some of the answers said the music thing is just an excuse and it might but now that I think about it he is constantly talking about music, his ex was a musician of the genre that he listens to, he plays an instrument as a hobby. I like learning about music but unfortunately I can’t share that passion with him. I’m kind of sad that I’m a pretty stereotypically feminine woman which isn’t a bad thing but I find it hard to relate to men because they don’t usually share my hobbies. At least I’ll always have a large group of female friends even if I don’t have a boyfriend

[Ironic_Method]

That's also why a great many relationships fail. Two people find each other attractive and maybe share some similarities, but they need to share some things to do together (and apart) to make a relationship work.

For example my partner must play games and must have physical touch as a love language. It rules out all these otherwise wonderful women, but I know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't be happy otherwise.

Good for both of you for knowing what you want and can and can't put up with.

[RedInnocent68]

Sounds like the guy’s a bit immature. I mean, sure, we’d all love to sleep around with no accountability, if we could get away with it… You sound pretty cool. From a straight guy who loves, Beyoncé, Cher, and Madonna.

[Asker]

Thank you! I think it’s a good sign when men appreciate women singers-if a man ever puts down my music tastes again I’ll assume he’s just closed-minded

[DextroShade]

He's lying about the music tastes being the reason he won't take you seriously because if he told you the real reason you would likely get offended and not have sex with him anymore.

[Asker]

I think you’re right. I’m wondering if I came off as too intense because I was the one who originally had a crush on him for a really long time (a mutual friend told him I was interested in him which is how we started dating). When he told me about the music tastes I told him I was open to listening to the music he liked and I started to listen to more of it to discuss it with him and he said “that’s just it-you’re willing to change yourself for me and you don’t have to”

[DextroShade]

Men who are worth a damn like it when women intensely desire them and are willing to change for them, so either he lying or there is something wrong with him.

[MementoMori777]

Sounds like an excuse, he wants sex without commitment, it was never about anything else than sex, his intentions were always sex, he had no proper reason to say why you weren't a good match with him romantically, he just wanted to have sex with you.

[TipsyFr]

you absolutely can I get along great with women I find attractive, we can be great on a platonic level but in a relationship they have at least one of my dealbreakers. That being said different taste in music would never even cross my mind in fact I like the idea of someone having different musical tastes, refreshing to listen to something I wouldn’t normally listen to.

[Guido]

What you described isn't sexualnattraction. He just wants to keep having sex with you with no commitment of a relationship. He's let the relationship run its course but he wants the benefit whilenhe looks for someone else. When he finds that person, you will be out of the picture with no bebfits.

Best option is to send him packing now.

[patrick994]

You can be attracted to someone sexually and at the same time not want to commit to a lasting or stable relationship, if you also just want to have sex, that's fine, but if you want something more, I recommend that you break off the relationship.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Sexually attracted if she's hot and nice? Yes, but I also wouldn't have sex with her if we didn't have the same preferences in music, video games, art, subjects, etc.

She has to be sexy, nice, commited, AND compatible to get sex from me.

[magiusX26]

me personally, no. as to people doing that, all the time. thats called a hook up. his music tastes excuse is just that, an excuse. reality is he just wanted sex to begin with, seen you wouldn't without a dating situation, he felt that was taking too long though so threw out a partial truth in hopes of sex then leaving. the partial truth veing his desire for sex (and possibly how nice you are) . point being you got played.

[HiveBee]

The number one thing that will turn me off about a woman is the guys she is attracted to.

She will be perfect and amazing but then I see that she's interested in a certain type of guy than I can't fuck with her.

[Asker]

Do you think you would be put off by a woman you thought was attractive and nice but her music tastes, tastes in movies etc were different?

[Sasha0426]

I say good riddance. He obviously only wants you for sex because, despite different tastes in music, he wouldn’t care what you listen to. If he wants someone with the same music taste, let him go find someone else.

[provokeesmokee]

Dude it ain't your music taste. That's a copout reason, lol.

But yes, you can absolutely be sexually attracted to someone you'd never want to date.

[Asker]

Yeah, that didn’t sound right haha. I’m imagining his friends being like “hey whatever happened to that girl?” and him responding, “she likes Beyoncé. It could never work out!”

[provokeesmokee]

I mean, if he's that against Beyoncé, sounds like he made the right call, lol.

[monorprise]

What is your music tastes?

Also why is that a big deal? The older you get the less music you listen to, and the less you care about any particular kind of music.

[Asker]

Yeah, I think music is much more important to him than it is to me. Like when we were dating it was important to me because it was important to him but overall it’s not the music itself but the memories that come with it for me that matters. Like my grandma was a really big fan of singer called Teresa Teng so whenever I listen to her songs I think of her. My mom really influenced my music tastes too and she really likes Cher and disco and Whitney Houston, not stereotypically male macho things to listen to lol but I’m open to learning about and listening to other kinds of music

[monorprise]

If that were true he wouldn't have dumped you on the account of musical tastes. So either your not open or he didn't dump you because of music.

[Asker]

He said he didn’t want me to have to change myself for him

[monorprise]

He obviously didn't have to if you didn't care about music, as you and he almost certantly will care less and less as you get older.

[thatshydork]

If a guy sees your music tastes as a reason not to date you, he’s not worth it anyways.

[thegreenyogi]

Of course you can. I think you could say it's about being objective and impartial when it comes to who you choose to date especially if you have a clear idea of what you want and you're very in tune to your instinct that is telling you yes or no.