Is it ok for my boyfriend to go and tell his friends our problems?

Question

So we’ve been together one year, and let me tell you it’s been a journey. A lot of up and downs. He’s been in relationships before where as I haven’t, he’s my first ever boyfriend. So I will give him credit, I do have a lot to improve on to be a better partner. I think the first year together is always the hardest because you’re getting used to each other. Anyways, we got in a little disagreement recently and he mentions that all his friends (who I met only a handful of times) don’t like me. I’ve never gotten that vibe from them and can’t think of a reason why cause I’ve always been respectful and chill. He tells me they know about all our fights and our personal issues and so then the fight escalated into a bigger problem. He says they see how I treat him too…and that now even his coworkers which he barely knows that well don’t approve of me based off hearing about our fights. My boyfriend has done a lot of toxic things to me that my friends know about and have never judged him nor talked badly about him. And I don’t go airing out his dirty laundry often unless it’s something I really need to vent about. So I guess my question is how do I go about this information in a healthy way and do you think it’s ok for friends and family members, coworkers to be in his ear about me this much? Do I have a right to be upset?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It’s hard to give a definitive answer because to me, a guy venting to his friends about his relationship problems is no different from a woman venting to her friends about her relationship problems. The problem is that if all they hear about is the bad stuff, then the opinion they’re going to form is going to be negative.

What are some good things going on in your relationship? And I mean good things worth bragging to friends about? You and your boyfriend need to take a break from being combative with one another and work on developing the good stuff. Arguing is inevitable in a lot of relationships, but you need to change the way that you argue. It’s not you vs. him, it’s you and him vs. the problem. You both need to be on the same team.

provokeesmokee · Accepted Answer

Yes, it's normal and okay.

It sounds like either your boyfriend's friends are ride or die for him, have his interests only at heart, or he's misrepresenting the scale of your arguments.

But it's normal and valid for him to vent to his friends.

I'd recommend you two go to couples counselling. Get an expert in there instead of relying on biased friends who aren't going to be neutral or unbiased.

Maybe he needs the counsellors help understanding how what he says to others affects how they see you. He might not even realize how bad he's making you out to be. Or worse, he likes making you into an enemy to his friends.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

no, it's a mistake because they will... unless they have more balls to call him out on his stuff, agree with him and discredit you. it creates bias. they know him but they have never dated him. that is different!

it is hard for him, where does he go to vent and work out issues?

He has to learn to filter, address issues with you, have a couples mentor you trust to share with.. something like that.

a challenge... because noone is perfect and we all have flaws... you are finding some.

you are "adult" for reaching out and trying to address relationship issue in reasonable way. I doubt he gets it, very easily or quickly. he probably things everything should be easy.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

No that's one of the biggest mistakes that people do because once they do that then their friends start judging start picking sides

And that's not really fair because all their hearing is one side and hearing that person vent.

And then they start telling their parents what's going on in their life and the same thing happens they're only hearing one side of the story and they start judging

That's why in a relationship you make it the best you can possibly make it and you work out your problems with each other it's nobody else's business

But it's the same time it's a learning tool you either learn from it or you don't

crossdressingrihno · Answer

I think it depends.
Obviously you don’t just go complaining every single day but at the same time people do need somewhere to go about it sometimes and if your not approachable about the problem then they will go somewhere else.

Also remember love isn’t the only important thing in a relationship. Theirs a lot of utilitarian things involved as well. As an example who your friends are and how involved they are in your lives. You might like hearing it but friends will always be important parts of the equation on both sides.

Giddyup · Answer

I would not and typically never have. Personal relationships are personal to me. Sure, some random things come out, but for me that is often months or years after.

On the flipside, I've been with women and have been married where they discuss everything with everyone. And when doing so with the wrong people, it can affect the judgment by the story teller. And that can lead to outcomes neither party hoped for.

Proceed cautiously, some growing up might be needed, and this relationship might just be a start.

Harness · Answer

It obvious, Anonymous, that you understand that your boyfriend's behaviour, for someone who had already been in a relationship before, no matter how you behave, is immatured; he certainly didn't take anything away from his old relationship.
What kinds of friends tell a guy that they don't like his girlfriend -duh its his girlfriend not theirs... Your boyfriend hasn't understood privacy in a relationship. He's just not there yet.
How you will cope with this I don't know, I suppose it's left to you now... But one thing is certain you will never be able to forget his indiscretion.

AmeerX · Answer

I think you two especially he is being immature here.

Discussing with one or two close friends is different from telling the entire friends circle. If I was hin I would keep my mouth shut about relationship problems. These things are for you both to solve and should not involve anyone else. Asking advice is different from making it gossip of the day. That's not going to end well if he can't keep things in control on his own.

You do have a right to be upset but once you two make it a competition about who is right or more right here then your problems will start to rise. This is not a popularity competition

jahaims · Answer

Only read the main question. Talking to your buddy about your relationship and talking shit about the relationship aren't the same. If his whole friend group knows about private relationship drama that isn't cool. If he vented to his friend a bit that's fine.

Anonymous · Answer

no that's not okay. never involve anyone else that's not in your relationship (aka, YOU and HIM). it's no one elses business. i get asking for advice, but still you shouldn't. just talk to your partner if things are causing issues. please stop venting to your friends, and he needs to stop venting to his friends...

HelpfulWoman · Answer

You literally tell your friends about the relationship. Don't be blaming his because yours don't have a backbone to tell you how they feel about it. If it is truly toxic, this is more telling of your friends than anything else.

HitsyHonesty · Answer

It is okay. Close friends are people you know for quite a bit longer than the partner in your relationship. They have been with you through thick and thin so asking for support or advice to your friends is a normal thing to do. Gossip however isn't!

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Nope. You told your friends, he told his. You're both in the wrong, so you can't be upset about it. You got a problem with him you talk with him, as he should with you.

Lisia · Answer

Wow you do have the right to be upset! And I relate to you. Say that you don't respect him telling all of you guys's business to other people. If he doesn't respect that, he's an asshole.

sheikalana · Answer

No, I don't think he should go to his friends. I don't discuss my marriage with my friends. My relationship is between me and my husband and no one else's business.

prakhindev92 · Answer

Women has a judge panel to decide her future with that man , why can't a man tell his problems to a friend and get some peace , certainly you are not giving it to him , one thing leads to another , that's the nature of it , accept it

Heolurt · Answer

You have no right to be upset, the ones who run to their friends first over any issue are generally women so, I guarantee you did before he did so I'm going to say if you don't like it then don't do it either.

spartan55 · Answer

They aren't in his ear, he has a big mouth and it is a problem in your relationship.

Benplus10 · Answer

Who else would he tell? Don’t you do that with your girlfriends?

WhitneySnow · Answer

That’s totally his right. And it’s your right to talk to your friends about him.

exitseven · Answer

I would not like this. I keep things private as a rule.

aquamarine321 · Answer

Normally that’s what almost all females do tell someone outside there relationship, so I guess it’s okay if bfs do it too

BigDog1989 · Answer

Women do it with their friends ALL THE TIME. I think it's ok for men to do it too. IF she's GOING TO

Anonymous · Answer

Of course it is. Especially since women are known for telling shit to all their friends.

Is it ok for my boyfriend to go and tell his friends our problems?

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