Why do broken girls go back to abusive guys?

[Anonymous]

I met this girl when she was in a bad relationship. They have a toddler but aren’t married. She confided in me and I helped to find her resources to leave and start new. Rather than do that, she falls in love with me and we talk about having a life together. When I’m away on a trip, they break up and we talk about her moving in with me, but before I get back, she goes back to him and he finds out about us. He forbids her from talking to me again and so I never saw her or talked to her for the most part of a year. She reached out here and there, saying “we miss you” but nothing came from it. I held on to hope all this time. A year later, we see each other and she acts like she never had feelings for me and says a relationship with me wouldn’t be sustainable. When saying goodbye, she told me she loved me. Now she reaches out every couple months but it’s just as a friend like we never had feelings before. I’m devastated and wonder why if that can even be answered. I have the resources and ability to give her a good life, I love her, and we get along so well but she won’t break from this guy no matter what. It kills me.

[IslaTheWitch]

Because what is known is better than unknown. And I write from my own perspective, as I was in a long-term relationship with an abusive man.

An abusive man has specific traits, and it's easy to navigate between mood swings. It's easy to predict what would work and what won't.

Meeting a normal guy is scary. He acts differently and unpredictably. He is nice, which means he wants something. He doesn't show negative emotions, so it's extremely hard to guess what is happening. He is caring, and it's hard to predict when he will change his behaviour. And when he does, it would hurt as hell.

[Asker]

I’m so sorry you had to go through that experience and relieved you were able to get out! I think you explained this perfectly. After a time, you know the signs of when the abuser is changing his mood, and so you learn how to handle the situation or prepare for it at least. I tried to be calming and tender with her so she could feel safe and after some time she told me she loved me, but then tried making moves on me. A year later after we saw each other again, she told me she still loved me but a relationship wouldn’t be sustainable. I said I respected her decision but am still grieving and can’t be friends because it’s painful and her situation is preventing us from being close. She then asked me if I wanted to copulate with her, to which I said I loved her and would wish to marry her, but she insisted I answer her question. I share this because I wonder if she was looking for an excuse to say “oh that’s the reason he’s been nice, just wants to use me”. Any thoughts on that? She was giddy after that and suggested us doing things (which didn’t happen). Maybe she’s seeking validation? But as I’ve pulled back, she’s gotten upset at me saying she needs my friendship. It’s not like we get to talk or see each other anymore.

[IslaTheWitch]

Hard to say what she was thinking. My wild guess would be she wanted to find a known pattern in your behaviour.

You have to keep in mind one thing. People in such relationships are calculating. They have no other choice.

Just keep in mind that being in a relationship with such a person is hell. I did many stupid things before I started therapy and was ready to meet someone new. If I had engaged in a relationship earlier, I would have hurt many people.

[Asker]

That resonates because the guy has a child with is a narcissist and always thinks that everybody else has an ulterior motive to whatever they do. I think he’s conditioned her to be that way, too. It makes me sad because we spent so much time together before, I always treated her with respect, and then she was the one to make the moves. So for her to try to discover if I have a different motive is heartbreaking.

I was told that as well a relationship would be tormented with the trauma of what she went through, that she could even resent me. She did tell me before that she needed to heal before she could be in another relationship, to which I told her I fully support that, but she continued to try to be with me and then went back to the father. Now she’s someone else I don’t know and I’m seeing what it may be like. I appreciate your input, I’m sorry it’s from personal experience but you are helping to give me a real understanding of how she is. She still deserves love, but I’ve done what I can and now it’s starting to be at the expense of my heart and mind and it’s crushing.

[Malwi93]

I also have that Kind of an experience and i agree w that

[Asker]

@Malwi93 I’m very sorry for what you’ve had to go through. Care to share your thoughts? I fully understand, however, if you choose not to.

[Malwi93]

I replied to Isla. Familiarity is exactly why i stayed

[Malwi93]

U Gotta get a New House etc. All that uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

I'm truly sorry to hear that you've been through such a challenging and emotional experience. It sounds like this situation has been very complicated, and people's emotions and decisions can be difficult to understand. It's possible that the woman you cared for may have her own reasons and complexities in her life that are influencing her choices.

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and happiness. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings and concerns. However, it's also crucial to respect her decisions and boundaries, even if they are difficult for you to accept.

If this situation continues to cause you pain and distress, seeking support from a therapist or counselor could be beneficial to help you navigate your emotions and make decisions that are in your best interest.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your considerate reply. I think you are right in that there are dynamics of her past that I do not know or fully understand that influence her choices. What’s just so hard is to love someone and see them choose what isn’t good for them, even when you’ve offered a way out. I’ll have a chance once more to talk with her but then I think I must say goodbye, it’s been too destructive in my life. I have told her that I respect her choices though I may not agree, but that I can’t follow her because I still love her but her choices prevent me from being in her life. She’s gotten upset saying she needs me as a friend, but she’s made it impossible to be friends.

[Opinion Owner]

It's clear that you care deeply for her, but it's also important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health. It's a challenging situation when you want the best for someone, but their choices don't align with what you believe is in their best interest. If maintaining a friendship is causing you emotional distress, it may be necessary to take a step back for your own sake.

It's a difficult decision, but sometimes setting boundaries and focusing on your own healing is the best course of action. You can express your care and concern for her, but ultimately, individuals have agency over their choices and lives. If you feel that stepping away from the situation is the right choice for you, then it's important to take that step to protect your own well-being.

[Asker]

Thank you for your support and advice. I should edit my statement, we stopped being friends when we fell in love, but even then she couldn’t break away from the past. She’d like things between us to be where she can just call me up to vent and then go back to her life. She doesn’t want me talking about things. I would forfeit a life with her if she’d get help and start new. But I can’t be just friends. It’s more than that and she’s thrown it away. So yes, I’m setting boundaries to, as you say, protect my well-being. Thank you for your thoughtful messages!

[ken2023]

Dude please go to YouTube - tons on advice related to what you are going through. Men avoid the situation you are in... as it's not your child and if u invest time, money and bond with that kid u will have no legal basis u stay connected with that kid if u break up. You need to ask yourself, do you want to find an amazing woman whom cherishes you and then have a family with her or do you want to be a simp and raise another man's child when this woman clearly isn't able to make good decisions. They had a kid together... she is using u just to put pressure on that guy. She keeps contacting u as woman like to keep their options open... it's cruel and no self respecting man will ever waste time on such a woman... only simps will. I don't mean to be harsh... but I have learnt few things the hard way and want my fellow men to not make such mistakes.

[ken2023]

Check out YouTube for Jordon Peterson, Hamza, and so many others helping men build a strong mindset and live their best lives. Do not be a knight and try to save these woman... you are being the typical "nice guy"... a man whom cannot get a single girlfriend and so is settling for a woman with kids that too is in an existing relationship. Watch vids on what a simp is and work towards being the best man u can possibly be brother.

[Asker]

Hey I appreciate what you’ve said very much. I appreciate the cold truth about it. It started out as us meeting and through a series of occasions of seeing each other, she felt she could trust me enough to confide in me what was going on and then I tried to help her. Then emotions and feelings increased. I was weak but now I’m at the point where I ask myself, “is this woman acting and making decisions in such a way that demonstrates the kind of character I want in a wife? If this woman is the mother of my children, is she capable right now of making good choices and using sound judgement for their benefit?” And the answer is no. I love her but she is not meeting the requirements to be my wife.

[Asker]

I don’t view part of the experience as wasting time. I think there was a moral requirement to offer help. And over time we got along so well. But that was when I didn’t understand all the dynamics, and as soon as she went back to him, it’s been over, I don’t initiate contact. I let it go. She’s the one that keeps reaching out, but only to vent nothing more. So I’m moving on, I did what I could. Also, I do like Jordan Peterson and other similar speakers. Thanks again for the caring advice

[desidoll]

Most of the time, women who stay with abusive partners tend to come from abusive household. They can’t tell that they are actually being abused because that’s what they are familiar with as a child. They have been acclimatised to the toxic behavior and were taught to obey. Another reason is this guy has probably manipulated her for a long time that she doesn’t think she deserves anyone better than him.

[Asker]

That is very true, thank you for your input. I am pretty sure that is the case with her. And yes this guy has manipulated her for a long time. When she met me, she felt like I was the first in her world to see the disfunction. Later on as we got closer, she did tell me she felt that I deserved better than her, I told her she deserved my love and was worthy of good things and I offered her my life. It’s strange, she could recognize the abuse, she was receiving my assistance in helping her start a new life, yet she crumbled in the end and went back to this guy and our relationship evaporated. She’s told me at one point she loves me, but she’s not capable of saying anything more. Just avoidance

[Joshydavid25]

"They can’t tell that they are actually being abused because that’s what they are familiar with as a child."

I disagree, she needs some responsibility for her actions.. She's smart enough to know her situation, and know that she's being abused.. I think most people in abusive situations are smart and discerning enough to know that something is not right and they don't like the situation.. Butt, going into new territory would probably be uncomfortable and a shock to them.. It's kinda like a soldier who comes home and has to get back accustomed to civilian life.. She's just so used to it that anything else is uncomfortable, and she'll have to get used to it.

[Asker]

@Joshydavid25 I agree and that’s where I was perplexed by her choices. She knew things were bad, that’s why she reached out to me. She knows I have it together and offered her a way out either with me or on her own. And after all that she goes back to the abuser. I guess because she knows how to navigate through chaos, but my peaceful home I guess was unsettling or unfamiliar. Good example you make with the returning soldier.

[Joshydavid25]

Most definitely.. She's too attached.. You're doing the right thing.. It's best to give it some time and let yourself be sad over her, and then find a healthy woman especially since you seem to be doing well for yourself..

[DextroShade]

This is why you should never take baby mommas seriously. She is still with her baby daddy, even when she isn't. The reason she still talks to you is because she is keeping you around as a backup in case the baby daddy leaves her or dies. You need to have some self-respect, stop being a cuck, and block her on everything. Focus on improving yourself so you can find a girl who doesn't have some other guys kid.

[dudeinohio]

Abuse is the only attention they get and they equate it with love. I know... weird.

[Asker]

I totally understand and yes it’s incomprehensible and sad. She’s told me I deserve better than her, which means she accepts the pitiful life she has because I think most of the men her life have mistreated her. I think I was the first to treat her with real love and that’s foreign to her.

[dudeinohio]

Yes. They go back to what they are used to.

[jahaims]

Your brain is comforted by the familiarity of the abuse when you have certain traumas.

[Asker]

That’s very true and so tragic. I think she has suffered numerous times in her life from bad men, and I think I’m the first who treated her with respect and real love. But that is unfamiliar to her. When she was with me, she wasn’t playing chess with these toxic people and the peaceful environment of my home was strange I guess. She seemed so happy though and more like herself. She just couldn’t stay away from him. As you said, there’s a comfort in the familiarity of the environment, it’s what she’s grown up in and a new life with me or by herself is unimaginable

[sheikalana]

They're addicted to the toxicity or don't know any better.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you just have to mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

The same reason she chose him in the first place. She ain't too bright.😆

[Fuentes]

Stupidity