Recently, i have noticed that i am falling into despair there is this feeling inside me that i want to cry but im afraid doing so might sever my relationships.
Sometimes I can't control that my past from controlling my mind
Sometimes i have a hard time expressing myself
Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve this world
Sometimes when i think about people i can't seem to think logically and its like a black hole for my thoughts
I've actually tried to kill myself (2 times when i was 13 , and 1 time when i was 15)
(The last time i told myself that i will every day as it is my last day, and i have to accept my place in this world, maybe ill be forever alone.)
I feel scared
I feel so misunderstood
I feel miserable
I feel out of place
I feel like im losing the consistency of my mind
Sometimes i would ask why god would give me the ability to speak several languages, have 2300 elo in chess, good at mathematics (i did calculus when i was 14)
, i learnt 5 coding languages, and i also have an extremely sharp memory, I could read for like 4-5 hours maximum would be 9hours.
But not a companion who would help me in my darkest hours i will always be alone talking to me myself.
I don't know but why i am struggling in this regard i consider myself to be extremely intelligent (for some reason i can even imagine numbers in a graph...) but i seriously struggled with relationships.
I don't know how to cope with it, do you have any suggestions, and maybe tell me more about your personal insights and experiences.
Updates
5 mo
I was also attractive. Im not gonna show my face but even in attractiveness apps i score about 93-97%And i kind of looked like a younger version of Omar borkan mixed with burak deniz
What Girls Said
Listen if you a relationship makes you feel low, it isn't the relationship, its a curse and only you can bring yourself out of it. Many people might suggest many things to not feel low of yourself, well some of them actually help.
If you feel like ending yourself, ask yourself "Am I gonna be a loser and just end this?" or " will I be a person which a mother tells her son to be like?"
I know your strong, keep going.
Therapy and stepping out of my comfort zone worked for me.
Thanks for your response, I will seek for therapy and see how it works. The thing about me is that i am mostly normal but whenever my mind just thinks about people and relationships its drives me insane.
That's when i start to become self-destructive.