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Ever since I was a little girl, When and if I catch feelings for someone, it freaks me out. As if I am stuck in the same room with a bear and I need to find a place to somehow get out and stop myself and them from developing any more feelings.
What’s wrong with me?
Is it common to fear being hurt by someone you care deeply about? Yes! Everyone feels this way. It's part of the human experience. But everyone has a different tolerance or intolerance to this feeling of vulnerability. And some people, like you, even fear developing feelings for someone, and will do everything to avoid even the chance of this happening.
This was interesting, your response to someone:
"Before my ex moved in with me I was freaked out. My ex said- You are not allowing me to love you, I want you to allow me. I’ll stay with you if you allow me. I won’t touch you until you are ready. So he moved in. Then my anxiety went away as we lived together and I was really happy. Past 1 year after break up I have been feeling scared and anxious just like I did at 21."
So, you're aware that what scares you could also be good for you. And that there are rewards and dividends possible. And you're going back into therapy. Good for you, girl.
It hurts like hell when someone breaks your heart. Why does it hurt so bad? Because humans are a social species, not designed or fit for total isolation (despite what many may claim.) We need a community. We need appreciation. We need love. And isolation used to cause death (a bit less so nowadays, in this more organized and service-rich society, but loneliness is being studied at length, and it is actually a cause of death), so, said a psychologist I read, it feels like we're dying because evolution (and our amygdala) has taught us that connection = survival. And can bring great joy at times. And comfort in hard times, times of need.
We can't always convince another person that the bond we share is good, and right, for both of us. And when they choose to leave it, you don't know how you're going to now I've without them. They grew into your life, and you into theirs. It feels like they live inside your heart, occupy a space within it. Maybe that's why, once they leave, it creates a void, and that part of your heart feels like it dies, decays, and becomes brittle. So, you learn to self-protect. You don't want to open yourself again. It hurts too much.
But if we never did, never do, we'd live lonely lives. Never connecting with anyone is more sad than heartbreak. And heartbreak is almost unbearable sometimes. But we measure, and remember heartbreak. Loneliness is more difficult to. It's like the difference between acute pain and chronic pain. And it relates to how the body stores trauma. And memories. But make no mistake, they both cause pain, and are a loss. One, of what you had; the other, of what will never be.
You have to risk sometimes. Not impulsive, random risks, but carefully calculated ones. You weigh the odds, the risks vs. rewards, then make a decision, and go with it. And you can't berate yourself after, if it doesn't work out. You have to sometimes trust people, trust possibility. The most common lament on death beds is the chances people didn't take, didn't seize. They don't regret the things they did, so much, because in those, was bravery. And bravery is something to be commended for.
Thank you, that was such a deep, inspirational and understanding answer. I appreciate it.
I reread what you wrote and it brought me the tears… 💕
Thanks for making me feel so understood.
“But make no mistake, they both cause pain, and are a loss. One, of what you had; the other, of what will never be.” It felt close.
Your question being "is it common" to be scared to have feelings for someone, simplistically raw as it be, deserves a such response : yes. Plenty of us have some anxiety heck even fear about being overly attentive to another person to the point of showing vulnerability-if it gets to that.
Normal human sentiment, in my view.
Well... I'm not sure about feelings in general, but I'm sure wary of developing unreciprocated feelings. Mutual feelings are fine and natural, though if we're talking about romantic feelings, they are supposed to fade away after 3 years (so it's not like the madness is incurable, it actually cures by itself). Unreciprocated feelings might be considered natural as well, but they are truly damaging to the affected person's self-esteem, so they are definitely something to be wary of (and I wouldn't really want to treat this kind of fear, as it's actually beneficial).
I had someone flirting and staring at me but because im wary of a lot of things i didn't respond, only to realise later i did really like him but then he didn't reply to my message so now im left wondering untill if possible that i might see him again
It makes perfect sense to me , when you attach yourself to someone you are creating a massive vulnerability , and that's a massive risk to take , you want to trust that person , but how much can you really trust them? So the feeling that you begin to feel , although intensely positive , has also a massive possibility of negativity , and that's all a bit frightening , thus it makes you push back and try and find something wrong with them.
Yes, I am tired of that though. I thought I kept that fear in the past. It’s still there though. I am about to start the therapy to help me deal with that anxiety, there are very few things that scare me and I don’t want love to be one of them.
Thats a reasonable goal and I would think a very good idea , when you are betrayed by someone , you also have the thought that your own poor judgement was also part of the issue. I like the idea of therapy , I didn't think that the Chinese had many options when it came to Phycology and therapy?
They don’t. I have a therapist back in my country, I went to her with the same issue at 21, because I really liked a guy that I met on a birthday party and when we met casually I was fine with him. But as we started texting and he asked me out, I got freaked out and didn’t date him until after 3-4 months when I was already leaving to China and I said “Screw it… Let’s go on a date with him, before I leave to China.” I went on a date with him and it went very well, it was our 4th time of meeting and he wanted to have a relationship but I was already living to China.
Then I had a short-term therapy during my long distance relationship and after my break up with my ex, but I stopped it and got on GaG instead.
I feel like I mustn’t have stopped.
I can get to talk to her online, therapy in my own language would feel much better than any other languages.
Opinion
19Opinion
u Have you ever loved a romantic partner?
Yes, I had loved someone very deeply, didn’t even imagine if it’s possible for love to be felt that deeply and gently. Loved him a lot.
That was when I was 22-26. After break up my old fears resurfaced.
You are afraid of simply having the feelings, afraid of loving someone who doesn't love you in return, or you are afraid of loving someone and having love taken away from you?
I am afraid initially, I don’t say and nor do admit my feelings to myself.
The last time I realized I loved my ex, we were already 6 months in a relationship, I was in a flight accident and only thought that I loved him when I thought I might not have seen him again.
I thought “What if I die without telling him I love him too?” And that’s the first time I realized and admitted to myself that I loved him.
After which we moved in together and lived happily haha
But now he is your ex. What happened? Feel free to DM if you would prefer.
We broke up due to a very long term long distance during pandemic, which was enforced to us due to China’s politics of not allowing me in and not allowing him out for up to two years.
It’s no longer a painful memory for me, I feel thankful for the chance to have loved someone and for his understanding and patient nature. But I am happy it’s over.
I am over him.
The fear of catching feelings though has always been in me and it still is.
I understand why that wold cause you a problem. You picked a good guy, you loved him, he loved you, and it ended because of circumstances entirely beyond your control and neither of you was at fault. That must feel very arbitrary and unfair.
Was there someone earlier in your life - not necessarily a romantic love, but perhaps a friend or a family member - who you loved and the relationship ended badly?
That’s right. You understand it exactly as it is.
I don’t regret having him as my first love. He was the most decent guy who loved me and gave me an opportunity to open myself up in a safe and a loving space.
It felt very unfair. He said that it was none of our fault that the life ended up being very cruel and unfair to both of us and that he truly loved me.
I understand it was to the better that it ended, as we grew very sad and unhappy in the end of a relationship and it became toxic at some point in the last 8 months due to the growing unhappiness caused by the circumstances we couldn’t change.
But other than that, I am thankful to have been loved the way he loved me and to have been given a chance to love the way I loved him.
I do still believe in love and think I will experience again, if only I let my fears go.
So you need for a new relationship to proceed very slowly?
I am not in a relationship but I do realize I have rejected too many guys since the break up, up until now. So I was wondering if I am back to my old avoidant patterns.
What my ex did was that he took it very slow, he was patient, understanding and forgiving to me, he told me he thought of giving up a few times because I was so difficult to impress and he thought maybe I wouldn’t open up, but then he thought that I was very sweet deep down and that he wanted to make me trust him. So he didn’t give up on me. Which is wonderful because I sabotaged that relationship every way I could do at the beginning.
The relationship though, ended up being very rewarding for both of us, with him proposing me at the end.
How often do you contemplate trying to reconcile with him?
Nope, not a few times, he said he thought of it once. 🤭🤭
Never. I don’t contemplate us getting back together. He has a new relationship and he called me when I got my leg broken me and he cares for me a lot, so he wanted to help. But I thanked it and didn’t accept the help. We are no longer together and he has a new relationship.
Are you building a wall between you two to avoid thinking of that as a possibility?
Nope. I was willing to give it a try but he thought it was better for both of us to start from a blank page. I respected his wish and understood it. I hope he’ll be happy. He said I was the love of his life and he might have regretted it forever, but he wanted to go on the life without recalling the pain we have both been through together. We decided it was better to end it.
It was more of his choice as I am not the one to give up.
He called me everyday after break up, asking me how I was feeling. And that it was okay for me to cry by his side. That he was hurting too. But I wasn’t going to show him any more of my tears. Last time we talked I told him I am happy with my life and I hope he will be too.
I did love him too much to ever wish any ill to him. But I don’t want to ever get back to him. We broke up 1 year and 3 months ago. He’s the past and I will have a future. I can hope that the next person I’ll meet will be as understanding and patient as he was. But I don’t want nor do I plan to ever get back to him.
He had me and he gave up on me. I won’t accept him back.
However, sometimes I think it was unlucky for him to have me as his first girlfriend, because he didn’t have anyone to compare to me. And I think I was very loving, caring, loyal, adventurous and devoted. I suspect, not many of his future partners will match that. He always told me that I was the best girlfriend he could ever dream for.
I think we both got lucky to have had each other as a first love. But life goes on and I believe the second love is going to be much more mature and fulfilling.
He also said that I set a very high standard for him as to what a lover should be like. I don’t think I was that good, as I now realize a lot of my mistakes.
So, I think it was good we broke up, so I could work on them and use my past as a lesson to not make same mistakes.
I love developing feeling for someone. It sounds like you have a fear of commitment with your anxiety. It's really sad and I hope therapy works for you.
There is always the risk of a breakup as you discovered however there is great happiness when you open your heart and let someone love you and you love them. It's those feelings that make us who we become in life.
I love it too. You can love something and still be scared of it though.
I think therapy helps kind of, because I addressed to my therapist with the same problem at 21, and managed to let my guard down and get into a long-term relationship in 5 months from there.
Right now I am not interested in relationships, but since my leg is healing from a fracture, I was thinking to heal my mind as well.
The mind needs to heal just as much as the physical body.
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and have a lot to offer in a relationship, but you need to get your anxiety under control. If I were single and a lot of years younger, I would be interested in meeting you and pursuing a relationship with you. You intrigue me, and I find that an attractive quality.
you are highly sensitive, you fear something... either intimacy or separation?
Deep lies can occur very young, when we are not able to process it.
separation is the problem. Seek Christ in your heart. Find source of the wound and healing for the inner child.
yeppers, there are always the trust issues, and what if I get hurt?
But at some point, if you do not take a chance, you will be safe, but all alone.
Getting hurt sucks, but it is part of life.
You get over it, get stronger and get right back out there.
Yes because you're making yourself very vulnerable to another person. So its why you wanna make double sure you do it with someone truly special and who cares/loves you.
I think it’s the happiest option for me to be on my own.
My friend's stepdaughter was like this until she moved in with her boyfriend, now she is more normal. Her mom is not very affectionate and didn't tell her "i love you" very often, and her dad abandoned her at a young age
I am same. Before my ex moved in with me I was freaked out. My ex said- You are not allowing me to love you, I want you to allow me. I’ll stay with you if you allow me. I won’t touch you until you are ready. So he moved in. Then my anxiety went away as we lived together and I was really happy. Past 1 year after break up I have been feeling scared and anxious just like I did at 21.
Should be. Feelings can overwhelm logic and cause one to make really bad choices.
But, why are other people not scared?
Very common since it makes you vulnerable to the other person if they know about it.
How did you overcome it?
I thought so. My impression on you is that you are mature and brave about expressing how you feel. Something I wish I can be too.
Something I’m not familiar with. I haven’t intently sabotaged myself when I liked a girl I wanted to date, not merely just go through the motions. I didn’t really think about it and it just happened. See it, ya go for it. Try not to complicate things too much if circumstances will allow it.
I don’t think my ex would have appreciated it if I’d messed with her like that. We wouldn’t have enjoyed the time we’d spent together if I had. I think she liked that I was decided.
I'm not sure if it's common but I do know it scares the shit out of me for sure. I think I'm personally scared of being heartbroken again and the fear is some kind of self protection for that to happen ever again. But it really sucks 😔
I don't think that we're afraid to catch feelings. What we fear are the possible negative outcomes that follow..
It's very common, but it's probably also something you would benefit from trying to work passed.
Yeah its normal. Just remember to never get feelings for anyone ever:)
@Altheavas 😭😭😭🤣
Sounds like you have a very very very strong desire to attach yourself to someone.
No!! If I do, why do I do the opposite 🤣
I catch feelings for little things like the car that's in front of me on a highway.. and get sad when the car goes a different way.. so it's fine
You are insane and female. A perfect influencer for today's generation!
Well, I know I am not very sane 🤣
I just have anxiety though, I am getting back to therapy this week.
Yes it is common
Very common. Especially if u are afraid of being heartbroken or to be took advantage of again
Only if I see red flags at the same time then I’m like very aware of how sideways things can go.
Yes, of course. Afraid of being hurt.
Nope its idiotic... that's life suffering and happiness
Yes, it is.
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