Rejected by my close friend but still want to be friends with her. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

So me and this girl have been friends for a couple months now and the last month or two my feelings grew for her. Before I had feelings for her we were super close and saw each other at our worst moments. She open up to me about so many traumatic things in her life (SA, Suicide attempts, self harm) and I did same with her. Back in August she left for college and I was devastated but decided to text her every two weeks to make sure she was okay. Most days she was fine but some days she pour her heart out to me when she was struggling with her mental health since she is bipolar and off of meds. She came visit me a work recently and before she left I told her I love her and she blew me a kiss. That was stuck on my mind a lot along other things (her just calling me babe, love, baby, and sweetheart out of nowhere). So I final told her I had feelings for her and she said she only ever saw me as one her closest friends. After I ask for some space and she still wants to stay friends which I want to because I do care about her a lot. She brings so much happiness in my life and only thing I want to see is her happy even if it meant with someone else. I made her promise long time ago that I’m not leaving her side no matter what happens, but it’s hard stay friends with someone you have strong feelings for. What should I do, I don’t want leave her and ruin our great friendship but at the same time my feelings are making it difficult. How do I get rid of these feelings for her and move on so we can keep our close friendship.

Updates

3 mo

Thank you guys for all your opinions. I may not agree with everyone but I do appreciate taking your time and giving me advice

Updates

3 mo

Also make things easier for me I decided take vacation this month and go visit all my friends in San Diego

Updates

2 mo

So it’s been awhile and honestly everything has worked out pretty well. It was awkward in the beginning but we were able to get over it. We both still genuinely care about each other a

[Flatmanlewis]

Okay. So, you aren’t going to like my opinion but it’s honest and from a place of authenticity. Follow me along and try and track my points, which are very abbreviated.


1) She is mentally and emotionally unstable. She is not likely capable of a healthy relationship at this point. She needs meds & more importantly, counseling. Yet, like many women, she wants the security of a boyfriend in her life for scary nights, pep-talks, or male-validation.


2) You probably liked her as more than a friend, and saw girlfriend hopes in her, from very early on. You see in her everything you wanted in a girl and we’re satisfied to be ‘close’, no matter what the means were. You reasoned if once she saw how important she was to you, and how much you cared, you would ‘win the girl’. Sadly, this isn’t how life always works.


3) Women can read men and she could sense your underlying motives. She also, equally, got the ‘nice guy’ vibe from you which she KNEW she could use to her advantage. She could give you enough female attention to keep you doing things for her (taking advantage of your desire for something more from her) but would still have the freedom to live her own life and leave you in a ‘reserve’ position in the background. Without any physical affection she led you along with “babe, love” and other such terms of endearment.


4) You threw out the balance by confessing to her your feelings and now she has no choice but to address this issue she thought she had arranged to her benefit. Not wanting things to advance into a relationship she can only try and get you to commit to keeping the same place in her life while offering nothing more in return.


My opinion: No self respecting man can love a woman and yet see her with another man. Saying “…I just want her to be happy, even if it’s with someone else…” is a sad statement which belongs in either a Lifetime Original movie or some chick flick where the ‘nice guy’ wins her in the end.


This woman took advantage of you, even if you don’t realize it yet. You cannot have a friendship for long with her. Ask yourself, honestly, are you going to be okay with her on a double date and knowing the man next to her is going to go home and bed her? Are you going to be okay with her not taking your calls at night because you have fallen into a distant third or fourth place behind her man and the life he’s sharing with her? In essence, you will be allowed (at best) to fill this neutered role as a boy friend, when you want to be a boyfriend.


Why do I think this? Because I’ve had the pleasure of knowing some very beautiful women (both professionally & personally) in my life in and many of them had these ‘boy-friends’ on the fringes of their life. They all fit a pattern and they all carried the sadness of being so close to the only thing they wanted but never actually being able to taste the fruit of their desire.


Then again, I could be wrong. We all interpret what we see through the lens of our own life experience.

[smne35]

First off she should be on her meds that's a serious condition to live with and being off her meds is not good maybe you should check in more that twice a month, but that said I understand how you feel and having that kind of connection with someone, the openness closeness able to be yourself without judgement is a wonderful feeling and not many people really get to experience this, but you just have to be patient because she's dealing with a lot, school adjusting to new unfamiliar environment, and people, while who knows what battle is raging in her with her imbalance why she should not be off her meds, but I would just continue as usual give her some space on the intimacy front, allow things to settle with her she is aware of your feeling and if you continue with it right now can chase her away, maintain the friendship that's important right now and I'm sure much needed more than she may be letting on, just be patient be there for her always and I'm sure the feeling is mutual she's just dealing with a lot and once she finds a balance will focus on taking things to next level,

[SueShe]

When friends suddenly stop being just friends and start involving feelings, then usually, it is the end of the friendship, exactly because of the reason you invoque.

You have feelings for her that she does not reciprocate and that is the one major factor that will destroy a friendship. Friendship becomes incompatible with the one-sided feelings.

You need to take your distance and forget about this impossible friendship because it will never be like it was before you confessed.

What you should do? Give her the space she needs and let her make the next movement. If she wants to remain friends with you, then she will make the first move. Good luck.

[bobalife]

I think you’re doing the mature thing by giving yourself space and respecting her. It’s gonna be hard but the best thing to do is reserve those feelings to not get deeper and hurt… if she ever change her heart, great… but don’t hold onto it because I am sure there will be another great girl who may be waiting for someone like you too :) take this time to heal. I’m glad you value the friendship enough to handled it so well. Not a lot of people can do that… so I applaud it a lot.

[AviatorTom]

Chances are, there's nothing you can do. If you try to be her platonic friend, she's going to suspect, deep down, that you're hoping for more, and that is not what she wants.

Best thing to do is chalk this up as a learning experience. Don't push her away but don't try to be her friend. She may decide it's okay to be friends, but that's her decision, not yours. And don't be surprised that she never decides that.

[Avicenna]

Talk to other women and make sure she understands that you'll be able to be a platonic friend

[Asker]

I told her that the friendship means more to me than relationship with her. I told her I just need space right now since I don’t want my feelings for her to ruin our friendship. Good thing is she kept telling me there is no awkwardness on her part so that makes this process easier.

[Avicenna]

I think you're handling it about as well as you possibly can and I hope it works out for you

[Asker]

Thank you

[mobiusforniner]

Having been in this situation, I will tell you that, if you do indeed love her- as in TRULY love her- you let her go. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but true love is... letting go- not of her physical person per se, but of what YOU want.

You see, if her happiness actually matters to you like you say it does, then you must see the big picture. You must realize having one-sided feelings will only be an anchor, an obstacle, a constant reminder dragging her down. Is that fair to her? Do you want her to feel sad when she finds a boyfriend and then seeing you depressed or jealous?

So you hold on, not for her, but for YOU.

How can you help her achieve her goals or help find her true happiness if you're both feeling trapped? Love is not being trapped. Love is freedom. Love is liberation. Love is UNCONDITIONAL. It's putting someone else's need before your own, even if that need means you never seeing or touching them ever again.

So, you make the choice. You will know you're doing the right thing, because it is ALWAYS the hardest thing to do.

Learn the power of unconditional love, and you'll grow to be a better person.

[Anonymous]

My advice with you is get some space for a time. 3 to 6 months maybe. Tell her you're still friends but you need the space for a time. If she's truly your friend she'll understand. If she's truly your friend she'll still be your friend after those 3 to 6 months. But what that 3 to 6 months does is it gives you time unimpeded by her presence to de-program your brain. You need time to convince yourself you're JUST FRIENDS. Because right now your brain doesn't believe that. And she has flat out told you that.

I've went through this before my man. It took me about 6 months. If YOUR friend is a true friend they will be cognizant that you had feelings and go out of her way not to do anything g to suggest any connection beyond friendship. The woman I knew COULDN'T do this. Because she enjoyed my attention too much. So she'd come onto me anytime she felt attention starved or lonely. I ended up eventually having to end the friendship because of it. And she stalked me for 2 years afterward because she still wanted my attention. But she wasn't being fair to my feelings. A friend does not exploit a friend like that.

It's could you still got her back. But now you're going to find out if she has yours.

Good luck. Let us know how it comes out.

[DextroShade]

Bruh this is pathetic. She just likes using you as her emotional tampon in between getting fucked and chucked by Chad and Tyrone. You already giving her the boyfriend experience but she won't give you the girlfriend experience so it's time for you to find some fucking self-respect, man up, and move on with your life. This entire "friendship" has been a massive L for you and would only hamper your efforts to find a girl who actually likes you. This whole experience should prove to you that you can't and shouldn't just be friends with women.

[gayesblog]

That's simple... Give yourself and her some space first. Respect her decision and focus on healing. Then, gradually rebuild the friendship, showing that you value her as a friend above all. :)

[Asker]

That’s why I’m trying to do. The good thing is there is no awkwardness on her part because that what she kept telling me. I did let her know after I confess that the friendship does mean more than relationship with her. Also I told her to know that me being there for her and me doing nice things for her was never to get relationship with her but that just how I am with everybody I care about. Right now I’m thinking of reasons why it wouldn’t work and telling myself would I want to be with someone who doesn’t like me right that

[Asker]

What^

[Staximus]

Bipolar people need to be on their meds unless it's very mild. I know 2 bipolar brothers who were customers at my old job. When they were off their meds they were fucking insane and getting arrested all the time for doing stupid crazy shit

[Asker]

Trust me I talk to her about it with her, but since she can’t drink when she on meds she stop taking them. Her mood switches are just random and she doesn’t talk to people about it but me. At some point I left it and decided for her to find out the hard way.

[GregorSamsa]

"Suicide, self harm - she brings so much happiness in[sic] my life"

[loveslongnails]

If you care about her, stay friends. Sounds like she can use a good friend. As you get older your romantic feelings will fade, especially when you meet another girl you're hot for. LOL

[WhitneySnow]

Just try to sublimate your romantic feelings with feelings of close friendship

[WhitneySnow]

Update: Great!

[sheikalana]

Respect her wishes. You can’t force her to like you.

[Nikki1989]

You man up and stay her friend like a big boy.

[Asker]

Honestly I decided to stay her friend, I just need space so my feelings can truly go away and we continue friendship how it was before I started liking her. I rather have her as a close friend than nothing at all. Plus I know she cares about me so I’m not going up and leave.

[Twalli]

If you truly love her, her happiness and wellbeing is the most important thing to you

[musclesimp]

Fuck her sister.

[Iron_Man]

Remain her friend

[KrakenAttackin]

She is using you as an emotional tampon.