Do you feel guilty when you ghost people?

[Anonymous]

This guy i’ve known for years keeps messaging me. It’s never been romantic from my side but I know it has from his. We didn’t speak for like a year and a half or so because i stopped messaging him because he would take banter to a whole different level and wouldn’t take me seriously when i told him to stop.
In that time i was seeing someone who i adored so much but recently split because the LSR was too much for my mental health. it’s really been tough and me and this guy i was friends with just happened to slide in my DMs.

I told him straight away i had just split with someone and was in no place to start dating anyone for a long time and that the only thing i want is a friend. He said he respected that and would be my friend.
But he never truly respected those boundaries as he would continue to flirt with me and make sexual suggestions, claiming they were just a joke. I did just ghost him, but i feel bad because he messages me wishing me happy holidays for every occasion and he remembers to much information about me from years ago.

I guess i’m feeling bad for ignoring someone who takes so much interest and remembers more things about me then almost everyone i know, but i can’t handle his disrespect of my boundaries. Just wondering if anyone else ever feels this way, or if i should be easier on him and ignore his flirtations.

Updates

4 mo

LDR (long distance relationship) not LSR sorry

[blueonblack22]

Alright you did directly communicate your intentions so I can respect you for that. You told him where you stand which is better then what most women do nowadays. Most women I know in this situation prefer to play dumb because they fear losing attention if they are honest with the guy.

However you need to fully understand and accept that no straight man is going to seek out women just “to be friends with them”’. Especially when they dropped strong hints they were interested like this guy did. Never. It’s a huge waste of time, resources, heart, money, etc for a man to be in the friend zone. Men and women sometimes become friends via mutual activities (school, work, etc.) but men don’t ever go around “looking” to just to make platonic friends with women.

However this guy was an idiot to verbally accept the friendzone. That was a huge mistake. He’s being disingenuous because he think the can get out of it. It’s a common young man mistake. He should have responded with:

“Thank you for being honest but I am looking to date. But I can respect your position. I will let you be but if you ever change your mind feel free to hit me up.”

That way he would be honest about where he stands, respect your position and ultimately respect himself. He would have to accept that you might not ever reach out to him again and that’s fine. But if you did reach out then he would know you were interested.

In the future just be honest about where you stand but please do not ask “can we just be friends?” to guys who express interest. As innocuous as that question sounds it’s disingenuous as well. Reason being he won’t be able to turn off his attraction to you like a light switch. You know that. And let’s be honest you liked the attention he was giving you. You are not entitled to that and it’s a huge opportunity waste for him.

Just don’t ask that question. Instead say “he so so. You are a decent guy but tbh I am not interested in dating. I would like to be friends but I would understand if you might feel differently. I do wish you the best though”.

[Asker]

but surely if i liked the type of attention he was giving me i would have led him on? I made it clear from the get go that i was going through a breakup and did not want to date, i said to him to not wait around for me to be ready because i don’t see him that way. I think i said all i could say, and i don’t think it’s my responsibility to educate young men and what friendship without romantic expectations is. Isn’t me saying ‘no’ enough?

[blueonblack22]

You did the RIGHT thing directly communicating to him in the beginning. Give you 100% kudos on that. That’s better then most girls. I’ve met grown ass women in their 30s who won’t speak up out of fear of losing a so called “friendship”

But again is there for him to gain by being in contact with you or vice versa? A real friendship will never be possible.

I would give him a final text saying “Hey so and so. I wish you the best but I am not interested in dating. I thought I made that clear but you made me uncomfortable. That’s why I blocked you earlier. But this is my last text. I don’t think we should no longer communicate”.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, I kinda get where you're coming from with both sides of this. On one hand, you don't wanna lead the guy on or disrespect your own boundaries if he's not respecting them. But I can see how ghosting would still hurt his feelings, even if he brought it on himself a bit too.

Maybe the kindest thing would be having one last direct talk with him. Explain clearly that you care about him as a friend, but his flirty comments make you uncomfortable and that's why you've been pulling back. Tell him the constant reminders about how long he's known you are sweet but also kinda cross a line, and you just need space to move on from your last breakup. Say if he actually wants to be friends, he needs to respect your feelings the way you've asked repeatedly, without excuses.

If he still brushes it off or keeps pushing past that, then I think you're fully justified going no contact. But at least you tried one more time to make your boundaries crystal clear before totally ghosting. And he can't say you didn't give fair warning then. Maybe with some time and space apart, things could be different down the line if he learns to respect you. But your comfort is priority one here - don't feel bad about what you need to do for your own well-being. Hope it all works out okay!

[Asker]

Thanks for your reply, this is super helpful advice. I appreciate that you can see both sides and see where i’m coming from. I guess it makes me question the whole can heterosexual men and women be just friends

[Oliverlogan263]

For real, this is exactly why that whole "can men and women just be friends" thing is such a debated topic! Situations like yours show it can definitely be complicated.

On one hand, yeah of course people of different genders can be platonic pals. But there's always that risk of one side catching feelings, especially if they've known each other a long time already like you guys.

I think it's possible, but both people really have to be committed to keeping it 100% friendly with no hopes of anything more, you know? And be open to talking through any blurred lines before they become issues.

Easiest thing is if both are attached to other people already so there's no confusion or temptation. But for singles or newly singles like you, that "friendship" line can get real blurry real quick once feelings get stirred up again.

Only you know if trusting this dude as a legit friend is worth it. If you feel he's not respecting the boundary now, might be better to take some space for good until the dust settles from your breakup completely. Gotta protect your heart first luv ❤️.

Whatever you decide, don't feel bad - you did your part communicating clearly what you need. The ball's in his court now to prove he can be a real friend or not at all. You got this!

[blueonblack22]

@Oliverlogan263 I got a feeling this guy will NEVER be content with “just being friends” with this girl. He would just be torturing himself and wasting time/effort if he tried that.

I am normally very anti ghosting. But this guy was being disingenuous when he said he was okay with the friendzone. Both to her and to himself. She’s not going to change her mind either when it comes to not wanting to date him.

She misses his attention. But she actually did the right thing ghosting him in this particular situation. She was direct earlier about where she stood. He wasn’t and pushed on those boundaries.

QA you need to seriously ask yourself why you “feel guilty” for ghosting him. I think it’s mostly rooted in you missing his attention vs. how he feels. He isn’t going to be able to automatically turn off his interest in you anyway. That’s obvious. So what’s the point in staying in contact with him? If he really “accepts” the friendzone from you he is going to be very miserable with himself. Trust me.

[Asker]

hi thanks for the reply. i wouldn’t say i feel guilty because i miss the attention, i went a long time without speaking to him or either of us having any involvement in the others life. I think i feel guilty because he continues to reach out to me despite said ghosting, but i can’t bring myself to respond, because it’s not the first time i’ve felt my boundaries were dismissed. I feel like if i respond, i’m allowing this tedious cycle of ‘getting my boundaries crossed, ghosting then reconnection’ to continue.

I think it’s because i’ve known him a long time, and he continues to try that makes me feel guilty. i’ve told him already i’m not interested, and i’m not sure there’s anything else i can do. Blocking him seems to harsh.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

If I don’t feel bad they’re not meant to be in my life. The people I do kind of feel bad about ghosting are probably supposed to be in my life at some point just not right now. When they come back like a ghost there’s some sort of unfinished business. Only one managed to resurrect itself from the dead, which was impressive. Just to give a general idea I’ve ghosted family and a 15yr friendship (to be honest there were a lot of layers and they had it coming.) I haven’t thought about them since unless these conversations come up.

[DreamCrescent]

ghosting is for someone isn’t getting the message and you want nothing to do with them. or when you’re not int he state of mind to have a real chat with someone about why whatever it is isn’t working.

so that’s all fine and good. but i wonder why you’re feeling guilty about it? surely it can’t be the first time you’ve ghosted someone? unless deep down you like his advances but feel like you shouldn’t like them?

just a thought

[Asker]

i’ve definitely ghosted people before, they tend to me random people i’ve met on a night out most of the time. i think i still feel guilty when i ghost them, but not for too long really

[DreamCrescent]

so unpack your guilt is what I’m trying to say. seems like your emotions are trying to tell you something?

[Paris13]

He could Have Stayed a Friend in the End. Someone like That I'd Feel Bad About. Normally, No... Maybe if Was An Ex. lolxxoo

[Avicenna]

Yeah, I think people do feel guilt most of the time when they ghost

[RingOfFire]

The answer is not to ghost them but to write them a message honestly explaining why you can't talk to them anymore and saying goodbye and making it clear that you will not be able to correspond with them again or respond to their messages. That is the moral high ground in a situation like this.

In the case where the other person did not mean any harm, such as it sounds like this one is, that is the right way to handle it. And then you can block them if you don't want to see their responses.

In some other case, where the other person has been clearly abusive and unapologetic, it's a different story. No reason not to just block and ghost them.

[Anonymous]

No I do not feel guilty about 'ghosting' the two women I happened to be in relationships with.

When I found out they were cheating they were out of my life the same day, there was nothing they could say in mitigation, I cut every contact point they had for me, Phone, Email, Social Media, even told any 'friends' we had in common not to contact me about them, and any passwords they'd seen me used were changed that day

Anything they'd left at my apartment was boxed up and left with the doorman (he was told they were no longer welcome) if they showed up.

If I happened to see them on the street or one of the places we used to go they were ignored.

[ByronWolf]

I’ve never ghosted anyone. If the person can’t behave in respectful way especially after you have attempted to set clear boundaries. Just end it with a direct message that discusses your position and how they have been disrespectful and not respected your boundaries. The end it and it’s over. If they contact you again block them.

[JTPeterson]

I never ghosted anyone but speaking from the person who keeps getting ghosted I hate it when that happens like just say if your not interested in that person romantically if that’s how you feel then just never talk to them again

[Asker]

but that’s exactly what i did. i told him i wasn’t interested and was going through a tough time and was only interested in being friends. it was him who didn’t respect that boundary and continued flirting and making sexual remarks, and acting dumb when i called him out on it

[JTPeterson]

Then just tell him that your done talking to him at and be upfront don’t just ghost him

[Account]

I feel guilt for many things. Many of those were/are things I didn't have control over. Surprisingly ghosting is not amongst them. I don't feel guilt about it.

[McKellar]

If I ghost someone or some people, it's not intentional. If I have multiples of things going on during the day, week or possibly month,... I'm extremely occupied, and I can't get to those people who have messaged me just yet. I will message them, they just need to hang tight for me and be patient, and I will get back to them. Then again I need more time for many things these days.

[Biancam13]

Yes I do, ghosting isn't kind unless they're being abusive or like a stalker and you have to ghost them

[wiltingrosepetal]

No. My friends know I'm a bad texter. I'll dip from conversations the moment it becomes boring. Usually end up ghosting people for hours to days

[v1a2h3]

You are talking about my experience. only i am the guy. I have also talked to her for two years with a year of silence in between. And she exactly told me that thing about remembering. Believe me the whole experience is suffering on his end. Dm me if you want us t exchange insights

[lightbulb27]

yes and I've done that over decades before ghosting was invented. I'm just not good at focusing on conclusions and should learn... as I know others that were and I respected him.

[IslaTheWitch]

No idea. I don't ghost people. If I don't want to speak to someone I'm quite blunt about it. The block option helps as well.

[litty736]

My answer is no because my mental health comes before some of these problems people.

[Strong_Warrior]

Same thing happened to me from two different girls. I hate girls like you. You type of girls are the reason why i hate womenn

[Asker]

Hi just wondering what urged you to say this- is the reasons you hate women because we have boundaries or because you can’t respect them?

[Strong_Warrior]

Dont ask me question. Look at your own behaviour. Stop ghosting men.

[Asker]

i hope you find some inner peace and happiness

[Strong_Warrior]

You are a bad girl who ghost men. Shame on you. This is a disgusting behaviour. Also you are manipulative and narsist.

[Nikki1989]

You know you can block him or even better disable messaging on your phone.

[Yoursweetgirl]

Kinda, but then I remind myself why I ghosted them and don't feel guilty anymore

[KittygosMeoWW]

Sometimes, I’ve just learned to be alone a lot so I kind of forget sometimes.

[Booklover_90]

Not really. If I ghost someone, it’s for a good reason.

[naughty_hunk]

i have never ghosted anyone. instead many did to me. it is understandable. they will have to move on at some point in life.