Am I doomed here?

[Anonymous]

How can I best handle my current dilemma? : my friend who I’m crushing on pretty hard, wants to remain friends with her ex who treated her very poorly, and I’m worried she is trying to rekindle their relationship, and as a result, won't give me a chance for fear of losing our friendship. I’m also told that the ex is no longer any kind of issue because they are not talking anymore. I should add that a mutual interest was expressed but the timing is not ideal because her relationship was somewhat recently ended.(2 months or so.) I really really dig this girl, and we have been hanging out a lot and then there’s times where we don’t really see or talk to each other for a couple days as well. I just wish I could prove to her that I would not give up our friendship if we tried a relationship when she is ready for it, and also that I don’t want to nor would I ever cause her any more heartache than she’s already had in her life, I want to give her heart a break so to say…..

[lightbulb27]

you both go to a therapist and see if that person can sort it out, because this is a cob webb mess already. Easily fixed... in reality, won't be.

In general, it's high risk because the underlying issues and ensuing growth has not occured yet, so she's stuck on him. You will not be able to pull her out of it without her decision.

Easy answer... she needs to cut him off completely and for good and get help to sort herself out emotionally (e.. g. what's going on, why hooked on him, whats the truth, let it go, heal the wounds). You need to figure out why you are stuck on this person and what the underlying attraction is... it could be bad or good. That help you decide. Do you like to rescue wounded birds, or something else?

This is just the start as relationships evolve.

I've coached another in a comparable type of arrangement such that they know what is going on, it's predictable. However, they don't listen and growth is slow. Understanding what is going on is not that hard. Getting people to make the hard choices and produce growth is difficult, if not impossible at times.

[OlderAndWiser]

You can candidly reveal what you feel in your heart now, but if you get in to a relationship and it fails, you can't promise what you will think or feel at that time. Right?

I'm not against trying to have a relationship with a long time friend, as i think the idea has much to commend it. But perhaps you are appraching it the wrong way. There are some women who will strongly resist if you tell them you want to date in hopes of developing a relationship. But if you start spending time together, doing date-like things without referring to it as a date. . . they will develop feelings and, when the time comes, they will fall into your arms.

However, be careful that you don't end up being her rebound.

[Asker]

She has outright told me that she would never use me as a rebound like that, and I told her I wouldn’t want that, and that I would rather genuinely give a relationship a chance between us than just being friends with benefits or a rebound or whatever

[jennifer_bloom]

Your making up lies about being interested in a girl while disrespecting her by telling thousands of people online that she volunteered to be in an abusive relationship, was that necessary information to your question query or do you secretly hate her and want an excuse to malign her online? And if you lied about being interested in her, maybe you also lied about her abusive relationship.

[Asker]

I’m not lying about being interested in her at all, and all I said was that she was treated poorly in her previous relationship….. you’re coming at me as if i posted a full detail description of what happened or even so little as specifics about what she had been through……. why would you assume I am lying about this though if I went through the trouble to make a post here? Not everyone online is a troll you know.

[bobalife]

Give it time and space to let it be picked up naturally and when she’s ready.

[dudeinohio]

No win situation. Friends with an ex is a deal-breaker for me.

[laly520]

yes so doomed

[Asker]

What makes you say this?

[Anonymous]

Why do u like her

[Asker]

She’s just such a beautiful person both inside and out…. Really though it’s her personality/ just the kind of woman she is that makes me like her