How to deal with being the other man?

[Anonymous]

Met a woman, in October 22' through work. Was clear we liked each other but our paths crossed once a month or less. Then in march 23 she told me she liked me & wanted to get to know me better. So we exchanged number & messaged, over time we grew closer. We went on some dates & kissed, on the 4th date we had sex. The week after she told me she had a boyfriend but was falling in love with me. Stating that after 15 years with him, they had become just friends in a relationship.

Obviously I was thrown off but had strong feelings for her too, we had a small hiatus but things carried on. I at the time struggled with being the other man. Then in August last year. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore & that either she wants to be with me or him. She ended it with him that night.

Fast forward to the past few months, and almost everything has been perfect. We have been building something positive together. Apart from something I am uncomfortable with, she wanted to stay friends with her ex (who still has feelings for her) I said I don't want that in our life & she said she would resent me if I "made" her cut him out completely.

So yesterday, I'd messaged in the morning & she hadn't replied all day. After work when I saw her, she said she had been so busy with work. Then later on, I saw her ex had been messaging whilst on her phone. I asked to look at her messages with him, she was very reluctant but I could see she had been messaging him all day on and off (there was nothing untoward) but given that how our relationship began. I felt angry that she claimed to be so busy yet messaged him most of the day. I saw red & said some pretty mean things and brought up the past & how it made me feel. It's been pretty rough since then and feel like I've pushed her away. I wish I had done things in a better manner. But am stuck how, I love her & know she loves me but I don't know how to navigate this without sending myself crazy. Any help would be appreciated

[TommyMountainFigure]

I am sorry in advance, because I don't think you're going to like my advice:-

There is literally no way your relationship can survive whilst she has feelings for this other guy and more importantly, she isn't prepared to at least TRY and cut him out of her life.

Triangles when it comes to matters of the heart rarely work. It's not about sex I refer to although that alone has it's problems. The thing is there will always be a part of you hurting and insecure, it will always be the same for the other guy. And you know what? She will never be happy either.

Therefore? my advice is cut your losses and get out before you suffer any more heartbreak, because I'm sorry fella it is only going to get worse for you each and every time you argue!

The way I would deal with it is, and I know it might take guts, but I would say to her. You clearly aren't over him and you may or may not want to be back with him so I will step aside, because someone has to!
In the short term, you are going to go through hell, but I promise you, you will come out the other side of it stronger. A LOT stronger! Not only will you have the moral high ground, but you will be the one who has taken the ONLY grown up decision of any of you, and in time when the dust settles, you will realise just how right the decision was.
I wish you well, I really do.

[OlderAndWiser]

Dude, this chick is playing you. You have been #2 since the start (assuming that there isn't yet another guy in the picture.) If they were "just friends," she would have let you seen those texts with the other guy. Remember, the first time she banged you, she was cheating. She's a cheater and that's what cheaters do.

If you had a friend in this situation, what advice would you give him? I think I know what you would say: "Get your shit and get the hell outta there!"

[Anonymous]

That guy is always going to be around no matter what you do, and they'll end up having sex again if they haven't already.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Aim: Helping navigate the choppy waters of love and trust. 🚤💔

Oh, love, it's like a rollercoaster, isn't it? Ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes, a bit of nausea. Your situation is like a scene straight out of a romance movie, only it's your heart on the line, and those feelings are all too real. Falling in love under unconventional circumstances brings its unique set of challenges, doesn't it?

Now, let's paddle through this together. First off, communication and trust are the twin engines of any relationship. Without them, you're just drifting. It sounds like your love story began with its share of secrets and surprises, so it's natural to feel a little uneasy. But remember, love, relationships aren't just about sunsets and roses; they're about dealing with the thorns too.

Instead of being swept away by the current of jealousy and insecurity, why not try building a bridge of understanding? Sit down with your lady, open up about your feelings without casting blame, and really listen to her side too. It's about creating a space where both of you feel heard and valued. And yes, this will take patience, empathy, and a good deal of trust – think of it as investing in the emotional bank account of your relationship.

Here's the golden nugget - don't let past shadows darken the beautiful future you're building together. Work on forging a bond so strong that old ghosts can't shake it. And hey, a little bit of counseling or coaching never hurt anyone. It's like having a love GPS to help navigate through the fog.

Remember, relationships are about growth, both individually and together. Keep the lines of communication wide open, sprinkle a healthy dose of trust, and who knows? The love story you write together might just be the one that makes people believe in happy endings again. Stay strong, captain! Your ship hasn't sailed yet. 🚢❤️

[Avicenna]

Your relationship started off under false pretenses, and now you're seeing the reverberations of this. It's completely reasonable to expect her to not be friends with her longtime ex, but she won't see it that way since she doesn't respect the normal boundaries of relationships and, more important, she is a cheater, so you will never completely trust her, meaning the relationship is doomed at some point.

[RavVid]

I think that is always going to be a problem in this relationship sad to say.

She was in a relationship with a boyfriend and decided to cheat on him with you (without telling you). You know she jumps ships, so that is always going to a possibility/likelihood.

[JesseP1nk]

She cheated her husband with you, and you thought she won't do same shit to you? She always gonna be that way. People like that always gonna have drama and that late in her life she is not gonna change. Only question is why you wanna hang around that shit storm. Cut ties with her and move away.

[Staximus]

You should have never let yourself go involved with that kind of woman. You should have asked her right away if she had a boyfriend. When she said yes you should have bailed out. With that kind of woman there's always going to another man in her life, either from the past or in the future. She can't make up her mind. She's searching for the next best thing and the search is never over, because there's no such thing as perfect.

[Lochlan]

That is a terrible start to a relationship. You must be staying from a feigned ego boost of her scuffling from a current relationship to be with you. Even if it began without your knowledge, you chose to stick around like a parasite.

[Flatmanlewis]

Allow me to water this all down:


Question: “How do I develop a trusting and respectful relationship with someone who is not trustworthy or respectful?”


Answer: You can’t.

[Huntingnfishin]

Gonna have to move on man. She probably always loved the other guy more or she would have left him for you. She was just having cake and eating it too. Sucks man but time to go on with life and with women

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're in a complex situation. It's important to consider everyone's feelings and boundaries involved. Have you had an open and honest conversation with her about how you both feel and what you both want moving forward?

[Asker]

For sure, she told me she is going to tell the ex that she won't speak to him anymore. I want to feel like I won't have happen to me, what happend with her ex. But I guess that's part of having to trust?

[Hellraiser1984]

I'm always the other guy. It hurts a lot and I feel used and angry about it. I gave up on love because of it. I don't trust women anymore and won't even talk to one unless I have too.

[CuriousMufuxka]

She's playing you for a fool literally! Dump the crazy and heal your wounds over time.

[Anonymous]

Watch the movie The Other Woman and do to her what they did to that guy

[laly520]

u gotta move on

[boobliker]

I have always walked away

[handsomelad70]

Recovering after getting beaten up?

[HateyouxD]

Fake asa story

[HateyouxD]

Ass*

[serious_miss419]

What did you expect?