She's 34 I'm 34, and I thought she was the one. We had 2 years together, I cooked for her, made breakfasts, treated her with kindness and respect and always gave her the space she needed. The last 3 months she started acting funny, devaluing me and being very judgmental on my character. I distanced myself a bit but thought things would change. I was focusing on myself and house projects before winter hit and she finally started bringing up that I need to be more caring, hear her needs and spend more time together.
We found out it was ADHD that caused a lot of the issues and my lack of experience in healthy relationships. She said she could give me a few months to work on things and go to therapy but then 2 weeks later she asked for a break because of her own depression and loss of connection she felt and hoped we could work things out.
I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks so i reached out, the convo was cordial. Another week later and my therapist recommended I send a letter to her addressing all of my issues and how to better fix them. I told her how important she was to me and that i love her. I did that and sent it over text, the response I got back was terrifying. She said she's going to be honest and that letter was a lot, it had so many "I" and "me" statements and was selfish of me, she said I sent it without her consent and she felt emotionally bulldozed, that I didn't consider her feelings before I sent it. She kept repeating that I didn't ask and had no consent to do so. She said it should show me how much i still have to learn.
I told her i was just keeping her in the loop about what i was discovering during therapy to improve and thought we could check in during the break. She said she doesn't know when or if we can get back together or when or if she can forgive me for the hurt I caused her and she needed to heal. That the text was "all about YOUR Therapy and YOUR issues", and was not for her. She said she didn't believe I loved her. I am devastated.
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It sounds like you’ve done a lot for the relationship, but she’s not communicating clearly what it is she wants. She says you need to be more caring; you cook for her, treat her with kindness and respect, so what does she mean by being more caring? She wants to spend more time together, but yet takes a break. So which is it? Space or togetherness? She wants you to hear her needs, and yet doesn’t say anything for 2 weeks.
You expressed to her that you love her and care about her in your text, and she turns it around and calls you selfish. I have never heard of someone wanting consent to receive a loving message. That’s not normal. Not to mention the fact that she has been devaluing you and judging your character harshly. I think there’s something going on that she’s trying to keep secret, and is trying to make you out to be the bad guy in order to make herself feel better.
So a few of the issues she brought up I fixed, she said she felt more like a friends with benefits than a girlfriend. I started paying again for times we went out to eat. She said I hadn't taken her on a date all year, but what we were doing I thought was together time. She wanted something different I guess. Caring as in making more effort to see her and her daughter. Due to my career I'm away from home, and dame with her, we would get together when we could. The last 3 months I was remodeling the garage and getting work done before winter. This really pushed her over the edge. Then said I have some mental health things I need to deal with, "ADHD" and said she would give me a few months to show progress, but two weeks later she said we need to put things on pause. That was before the holidays then I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks. So I do get her side now, I was unable to see what she was asking. But she only told me all this 2 weeks prior.
If this was really that serious, you will be seriously talking about it and not sending meaningless texts to each other.
I tried, but she never would talk face to face with issues, she was afraid of her emotions. I always offered but she would always text issues. She broke up over text too. I was the one who actually called after the break up to discuss things but she could only give me 15 minutes. The whole consent thing has me nervous to even try talking it out again.