Why is it hurtful that my partner slept with this particular person in the past?

[Anonymous]

I'm an insecure person. I know and I'm well aware of it. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite as when me and my partner met we were already in our 30s none of us was a virgin and we've had other partner's in the past. Recently I found out that my partner has slept with this specific woman in the past it was never anything serious between the both of them but I don't know why it made me feel so disgusted. When I saw her pictures I was shocked. She's the stereotypical OF girl and has nothing to do with me. I'm an elegant woman and she's the trashy type. I feel bad for degrading other women. We live in a small city and I've known at least three men who slept with her and don't have good things to say about her type. I always thought that my partner was selective with the type of women he dated/slept with in the past I don't understand why is it bothering me so much...

[AviatorTom]

You feel bad because you wonder if he thinks you are trash, equating you with this other woman. Remember this... especially when younger, a guy might have sex with whomever is willing... it means nothing.

Be confident in that you have each other now. Try to forget, or at least ignore, the past. There's nothing you can do about it. Concentrate on the present and the future. And enjoy what you have.

[poshspice123]

Asker- I’m sorry I totally understand. As women I also expect that a guy chose me coz I’m classy and he wouldn’t want a trashy women and to be honest I would have felt the same way. But I guess we can’t really do much about the past except accept it. And hope that he understands your value. It’s good to discuss this with your partner and see how he reacts. Does he comfort you and make you feel secure by maturely acknowledging your feelings or does he brush them aside and gaslights you. That would give you the way forward I guess.

[Anonymous]

There can be a few reasons why this might sting. It could be jealousy of their past relationship, or maybe it brings up insecurities about yourself. It's also normal to wonder if there are still feelings there. The important thing is to talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you're feeling. They can reassure you and remind you why they're with you.

[Summeroflove]

This is why people should be virgins. Many people care about their partners sexual history but they are too scared to shamed into bringing it up.

It is disgusting and it’s so hard to tell who someone may have slept with. I know if I was dating a girl and found she’s been with weirdo guys it’s like ehhhhh….

[loveslongnails]

If it means that much to someone, they're going to bring it up sooner or later, so it might as well be at the start. If a guy or girl knows they have a past body limit for new dating, they should talk about it immediately, even before the first date if it's really a deal breaker.

[Summeroflove]

@loveslongnails I mean. Maybe not the first date. But I do agree to a point. I also can’t stand people who lie. I have more respect for a girl whose a whore or a man whose a man whore/player. At least they’re honest.

Not someone who plays innocent enough but it’s all a act.

[loveslongnails]

Why wait if it's a deal breaker though? Let's say you meet a girl while you are out in public, doesn't matter where. You get to talking and really want to ask her out. Don't you want to know if she's slept with more than "X" number of guys if that's key for you going forward? Only reason I can see not bringing it up is if you're SO taken by the girl that you'd accept a higher body count than your standard.

[Summeroflove]

@loveslongnails it’s just asking someone for their body count early on may be kind of weird. If she tries to initiate sex early on. That’s basically the end of it…

[loveslongnails]

I suppose you have to do what you think is best for you. I just don't think it's worth 2,3,4 or 5 dates to find out she's got too high a body count for your comfort zone, just because you think the question might be awkward.

[Summeroflove]

@loveslongnails I mean I get what you’re saying. I don’t want to waste my time either. Usually I can tell if a girls a tramp or not. A girl doenst have to even be a virgin, but she has to share my values as of now. Even if she made mistakes before.

[Summeroflove]

Or bad choices I should say

[AI Opinion]

Diving into the whirlpool of past relationships can be as exhilarating as it is daunting, especially when a surprising revelation pops up. It's natural to feel shaken, darling, especially if the discovery contradicts the image you've painted of your partner. But here's the thing, love isn't a straight line—it's more of a wild dance, full of unexpected turns.

Your feelings of discomfort spring from your insecurities and perhaps a dash of competitive spirit, which, let me tell you, is as human as it gets. Comparing ourselves to others, especially in matters of the heart (or bedroom), is a tale as old as time. But remember, your partner's history has contributed to the person they are today—the very person you fell for.

Instead of dwelling on a chapter of their past that doesn't define the whole story, focus on nurturing the love and trust between you. Open up about your feelings without placing blame, and remember, everyone has a past, but it's the present and future that you share. Embrace your elegance, confidence, and the unique connection that sets your relationship apart from any past flame. Let's turn jealousy into a catalyst for deeper intimacy. Keep shining, you elegant gem! ✨

[Asker]

I know this was AI generated but I actually needed to read that.

[lightbulb27]

Because you have a higher opinion of him than the evidence presented by this fact.

That creates doubt about your sense of security.

All these answers are in your early life development. So go back to why you are not secure and figure that out. Maybe your feelings are legit? Maybe they are skewed by some traumatic events.

[mattthefatbat]

My guess as to why I think it is bothering you so much is it honestly disgusts and hurts you to think of your partner your significant other having been with that woman in particular. But why let that thought come between what you and him have going now? I believe he is only seeing you and is with you now and is enjoying you a lot better than he did her

[Asker]

I know it's childish and immature of me to feel that way. I'm a very visual person and the image of that woman doesn't leave my head. I know I will eventually get over it I just don't know how long is going to take

[mattthefatbat]

It's all okay no one likes thinking of their partner with someone they don't like and that's not really childish it just comes with being caring of your partner. However you can fill your thoughts about him with more things you two can do together like going to see a movie, going on walks, or even just relaxing together. But the best advice I can give you on getting over that thought is do what makes you feel the most comfortable, or you can talk about it with him and he'll probably say something like I been over that woman she's nothing compared to you.

I used to feel kinda like you did whenever I thought of my girlfriend liking her ex more or wanting her ex more and not me but as our relationship went on she became more attached to me and doesn't want anyone else and that's what she told me and it was really assuring to me because it really helped clear my mind of negative thoughts about our relationship

[Purpleronnie]

This is quite simple I think , it’s about how you regard that type of female in your head. Perhaps you feel that you are so different to her or even the polar opposite of her and so can’t reconcile why your partner loving you as he may would ever be with a female like that. I’ve done something similar with ex’s of mine when meeting their ex’s I’ve thought and said what the hell did you see in him. I reconcile it by saying “ well they are not with them , are they “

[David94358]

Well if it makes you feel any better he is disgusted with the people you slept with as well. You can look back or move forward.. one ends in a ruined relationship.. your choice

[Anonymous]

It bothers you because you think too much of your current partner's "moral character". If she's a hot thing and she came on to him and he said yes, you'd like to believe he would have said no because "she's trashy". But that doesn't matter to most guys - trashy or elegant, it's all about the sex especially if you're younger. So get over yourself if you can and try to grasp that no man will ever live up to YOUR standards.

[poshspice123]

I like this answer.

Asker- I’m sorry I totally understand. As women I also expect that a guy chose me coz I’m classy and he wouldn’t want a trashy women and to be honest I would have felt the same way. But I guess we can’t really do much about the past except accept it. And hope that he understands your value. It’s good to discuss this with your partner and see how he reacts. Does he comfort you and make you feel secure by maturely acknowledging your feelings or does he brush them aside and gaslights you. That would give you the way forward I guess.

[Opinion Owner]

@poshspice123 Why do say this, which is true: "we can’t really do much about the past except accept it", yet follow it with this: "It’s good to discuss this with your partner and see how he reacts", which is stirring up a past event that SHE is having an issue with from before she even KNEW him?

What good will come from dredging up his past? Is there ANY possible answer that will somehow rid her of her own disgust about this past event? Short of saying "It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life and wish I could take it back because I hate myself every date for doing it", what can he say to make HER feel better? Nothing. This is her problem and "seeing how he reacts" is not a good plan.
WHY would you even put the guy in a place where you want him to say "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way about something I did in the past, baby" versus seeing if says " I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's long past and truthfully, your reaction is your problem" - which sounds harsh, but is absolutely TRUE?

As you said - you can't do much about the past except accept it. That's what she needs to do and deal with her own issues, NOT gaslight him for his past behaviors!

[poshspice123]

I agree to your opinion to some extent, coz judging him on his reaction can also lead to a breakup and we don’t want that.

But I tell her to speak to him because if I put her in my shoes I’ll dwell on it and I’ll build things on top of it… if I really can’t let it go then it will affect my overall relationship. So that’s why I say talk him about it.

[Opinion Owner]

@poshspice123 I'll agree to disagree for now. If she needs to talk it through with someone, I'd start with a therapist. Believe me when I say that this is a poison pill as far as the guy is concerned. She's got a 50/50 shot that it will stir up bad emotions and plant that little seed of distrust, doubt, anger, or whatever in his head. If I were your girlfriend and you told me about this, and that you can't let it be, I'd tell you to first see a therapist before you inadvertently blow up your relationship.

[Nikki1989]

You answered your own question, massive insecurity.

[Fabrizio6699]

Because you think yourself to be inferior to that person but in reality you are probably so much better you have just been brainwashed by the media and society to feel a certain way.. your strong he's with you.. confidence is what we as men find sexy so grab your man fuck his brains out enjoy each other as much as you can.. dont let her ruin what you have fuck that ho

[strateguy632]

it wasn't hurtful at the time. when you found out, you probably over reacted.

it was the past.

focus on now today.

[Anonymous]

I bet she’s beautiful af and u are degrading her 😂

[Asker]

I wish I could post her picture here so you could see it for yourself what I’m talking about.

[Opinion Owner]

Am sure she’s taller slimmer

[Asker]

Dude, this is a chubby cheek with a plastic face. Nothing for me to be jealous of other than I don't trust her type.

[spartan55]

Aren't you full of yourself.

[handsomelad70]

OF girl? Left, centre or right field?

[jahaims]

You answered your own question. You are insecure

[Anonymous]

his past is none of your business