How Do I Get Rid Of My Submissive Mindset & Personality?

Question

I will be completely transparent and say that I was born and bred to be a submissive and subdued woman. There is something very freeing about relinquishing control to another, especially an alpha male. Please do not misunderstand, I really enjoy loving, nurturing, and pleasing others as an empath but it can be incredibly draining and unfulfilling at times. It just feels like I am constantly filling up everyone's cup of love around me and now I no longer have any love left to pour into myself.

I see now that it has become a bit of a burden. My submission to the male gender feels so natural and that really pisses me off. It's like the patriarchy and their agenda has been embedded into my core since birth and it's incredibly frustrating. (It's systemic)

So my question is, how do I get rid of my need to submit to male authority? If I cannot remove the urge to be subservient, then what should I do to become more independent and free?

In all, I want to silence the part of me that wishes to serve man and I need guidance on being more independent and assertive with my needs and wants.

Detailed answers are always appreciated if you have time to write it out! Reading is my favorite past time 🤓📚

Updates

8 d

Update! Crisis is over!

I put this situation into God's hands and he made his judgement. Being submissive or subservient to men is not the problem. It's my inability to maintain boundaries with those men. So I am focusing on maintaining better boundaries so that I can enjoy being hyper feminine without shame, fear, or guilt.

Like, why should I feel ashamed about wanting to feel pretty? I think all girls want to feel pretty and there's nothing wrong with that

Thank you all for your help! 🌹

Massageman · Accepted Answer

I suppose I could say to let some guy beat it out of you, but the seeming logic falls a bit short in practice on that one. Summary - - - Build up a series of small successes, and go from there. "detailed answer" - - - >>> Years ago when I taught Time Management, I'd have students list a project they wanted to accomplish. "Can you do that in one step?" I would ask. "No", was the typical response. "Then keep breaking it down into smaller and smaller parts until you CAN complete each part in ONLY ONE STEP. " You then tally EACH STEP as successfully completed. By the end of a single project, the student then has a nice, long list of small successes leading to a BIG success! This helps build confidence. Over a period of time, this can help to dismantle/curb a submissive mindset. It's also a good tool when a particular "something" seems too overwhelming. (Sexual encounters don't count here since the sub is the one really in control and a good dom will know how frame it so it seems to be the invert. . . . but I digress).

Example: you have been given the job to arrange a church luncheon. Your "punch list" might include: 1. Write invitation. 2. Forward the invitation to church newsletter writer for inclusion in next newsletter. 3. Call three caterers, and get bid from each (I'll assume the menu has been pre-decided, and that you already know the number of attendees. If you don't know, add about another 100 steps, if your church is like ours.). 4. Review bid with managing elder to get budget approval. (possible infinite loop, here). 5. Notify winning caterer. 6 to 20. Contact 15 church members to help set-up (5), serve (5) and clean-up (5). 21-30. Contact 10 more people because only 5 from your first list said they'd help. and so-on and so-on, etc, ad nauseum. While I DO push beyond the reasonable just a tiny bit, it is a good exercise to show that even the simplest project has more steps than most people realize. But once you complete a 20 step project, a 30 step project will be that much easier, etc. You keep building on your successes, which builds your confidence, which lets you take on increasingly harder projects, which gives you even more confidence to defeat submissiveness. When I was an Admin VP in our Jaycee Chapter years ago, one of our Project Chairmen submitted our Chapter's CPG (Chairman's Planning Guide) of our annual Haunted House and place third in the NATION, so the plan really does work. I wish you well.

Flatmanlewis · Accepted Answer

Okay - I think there is some real stuff to unpack here. A submissive mindset does not have to equate to being misused or taken advantage of.

I’d briefly offer you this analogy. Most of us obey our bosses at work as a condition of employment. We agree to perform certain tasks and employ our skills to a set standard in exchange for the compensation they provide and often times the benefits, social interaction, and satisfaction from doing something we enjoy and overcoming challenges. In fact employment without any meaningful challenge to overcome tend to bore most of us and we seek out harder tasks and greater opportunities to push ourselves. If we fail to perform to standard we can be subjected to retraining, discipline, verbal counseling, or even being fired. This balance can be very satisfying if it’s fair and from a place which values us as a part of their organization and success. I submit to their will because it’s beneficial to the organization I am a willing participant in and by extension myself too.

Now, if I fail to perform as an employee and am not operating to standard, I expect a consequence.

Yet, so too does my boss. They act like a tyrant, bully, or fail to appreciate my labors and efforts then I start to being dissatisfied. I may try harder but if I still can’t satisfy my needs for recognition it’s a problem. My thoughts start to wander to other employers and experiences. I see how other employers are treating their people and I start making choices. I let my bosses know I have concerns that need to be addressed. My pay is too low, my break room sucks, this policy about uniforms isn’t suiting me well, and so on. They now have choices. They can satisfy my needs or I can leave and go provide my services elsewhere for a more agreeable compensation package.

This is how a relationship works well, too. You can submit to their will and their desires but only in so much as your needs are being met too. As soon as they fail to do so, I will no longer submit to your requests or desires as I am no longer being valued as I need to be valued.

Submitting with conditions is better than being purely submissive.

Deepinthought345 · Answer

Most women of a comfortable household are raised to be submissive to The Man. This used to be convenient for women of the industrial era where mechanizations and working on machines were considered a man's job. Hence, women were expected to be homely. This has just continued. Of course, there have been rebels in every era.

You need to start small. You need to start appreciating things you do for yourself and how much you have done as an independent woman. Start small. You will start noticing the difference in a few months if you keep this up as a regular thing. The more you start realizing your independent actions, the more you will be encouraged to be independent and less submissive to anyone- man or otherwise. Your reason for having a partner should not be limited to being eye candy or a trophy wife. You want him to appreciate your intellect. Your confidence. You want to share. Partner. It will take a lot of patience and strength for you to do this but don't stop.

If you were a male pleaser, you'd put your profile picture here for male validation. You haven't. You're already on the right path. Stay on it.

Likes2drive · Answer

People can’t really change their personalities, you can however become more assertive if you feel you are being made to feel subservient, you could just tell your husband things that bother you. If you somehow change who you are it will affect your marriage because you wouldn’t be the same person he married. Kind of the reason marriages fail because the husband doesn’t change but the wife does so it falls afterwards. I’m also basing this on experience since I was married 17 years and the last 5 were not good at all, I never changed but she did and kept trying to change me. Marriage is about compromise and work

JacobJordan · Answer

Why would you want to miserable? My wife is in the same boat and she has a husband that provides for her she worries for nothing. My advice don't buy into the lies of western women. No one in a healthy happy relationship is independent. Including men. I am just as much dependent on my wife as she is me.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Become the aggressor. Role play. Read books on topic. TELL don't ASK what you want done. There are some GREAT apps for spicing up situation where you can take control in bedroom. I also suggest counseling, you're no good to yourself if your empty and exhausted. You need to explore why and how to fix it with a professional

Wiredone · Answer

You are not a puppet on a string. It's ok to be submissive sometimes, like in the bedroom. You currently are giving him 100% control over you. Sometimes you need to be seen and heard. You both should set time to just talk to each other. Communication is key in a relationship. A marriage is not 50/50 or 75/25. It's both partners giving 100 percent to the other. You're giving him 100 % and he's just taking it. You need to give less and take more.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Wait why would you want to not be submissive thst the best type of woman there is. Have you talked to you husband about this? I'm sure that part of why he fell in love with you. Plus you couldn't get rid of it anyway. Do you know why you can't get rid of it

AbsentLight · Answer

I love this question. I don't have time to write a big answer though 😭. I was raised to have the man as the head of the household. Gender roles are a huge thing too. My wife isn't as extreme as you but she loves when I boss her around. But she had to TELL me. Tell your partner how you feel it sounds like your drowning and need a little help. You can be the man of the house and still help your wife... It's all about balance and telling your partner is the first thing you should do

Billlewis · Answer

I've been trying to help you with that, but I can't message you to discuss it;)

DextroShade · Answer

You should be submissive to male authority. Do you want to die alone?

moneymagnet24 · Answer

Be savage go out do job make money by own slowly you will build confidence n then you're unstoppable ma'am.

Anonymous · Answer

You don't strike me as submissive at all, judging by how much you like arguing with others.. More like a feminist

Anonymous · Answer

Submissive isn't that bad. But not always. You gotta take the control sometimes

RedInnocent69 · Answer

You sound like a dream. Come here. Now.

DishLady · Answer

See a therapist.

CubaPirate · Answer

Girl up and get dominant

How Do I Get Rid Of My Submissive Mindset & Personality?

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