Girls, Reconciling with an ex?

I'm tearing apart inside.

Life's been going good, slowly improving. I've been getting better. And yet still I've always dreamt of her. Of reuniting and reconciling with her. Even through other women passing in the night like ships crossing The Atlantic. Just another and another. But always my heart and mind returns to her face. It weighs on me to admit I've still continued returning to her letters and photos even after all this time. Despite how we parted on such bad terms with a fight that devastated each other. Words that sliced through each other. We really know how to hurt each other just right. But God when it was good it was perfect. I loved her. I hate admit I still love her. But she fucking hurt me so damn much. She's older than me by a decent amount and yet she fucking hurt me. I hurt her. But I was a fucking kid. What's her fucking excuse? Being abused and raped as a little girl and woman? Admittedly, that's a pretty good excuse but fuck I trusted her. She was my first. And then she left. And I've had so many other firsts with other women that I wanted to be with her. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that or any of it. I'm not who I was. The man she describes in her letters. I'm miles from him now. Whatever light was in me... I fear it may have all now departed since her. And it can't be returned.

She unblocked me recently on one platform and expressed her desire to try and at least meet up again. I didn't respond. A few days later she sent a massive text describing the past year of her life and how awful it's been and how her boyfriend treated her and how much she misses me and regrets losing me. This time I responded (only saying I didn't have time for this right now and had to read it later as I was in a meeting at the time and kinda stressed out). Ngl, it hurts to read she had a boyfriend. Especially since she hurt me so bad I can't trust any woman.

Need advice I suppose.

Girls, Reconciling with an ex?
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