Is it justified for me to be upset that my boyfriend asked me for a paternity test if we ever have our first child?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and I'm certain I want to marry and have kids with him. We talk about all that a lot, and during one of those conversations, he brought up the manipulation a lot of men go through at the hands of their wives who trick them to raise an affair child. I wasn't expecting it, but then he asked me that if we have our first child could he get a paternity test or not. I was crushed because he still doesn't trust me after 4 years and probably still has past fears from his horrible former girlfriend. I've never ever cheated on him and never will in the future. I thought after 4 years he would believe that but I think I was wrong. Am I wrong for being upset?

[Vesuvius87]

First of all don't even give kids to a man you're not even engaged to nor married. If he is so concern about paternity test, then that should've been made into a law already. I suppose things can change if more are into making it into a law.

I actually understand both sides. While it's sad several women are deceiving men into raising kids not theirs and divorcing for monetary incentives, its terrible how the rest of us have to pay the price. It seems like lose-lose situation. Lets say he were to have the paternity test done and it shows positive (she indeed never cheated) then he's made to feel like an idiot for starting a relationship with distrust.

My sympathies for the current, awful situation with the genders but I'm not sure if I can continue a relationship with a man that thinks the worst of me. If I need to constantly prove to someone I'm not a golddigger nor liar, even if I really won in the end and got his full trust, that's more like a pyrrhic victory. I won but at what cost? At the cost of my own mental health to the point I'm exhausted by then and will likely not want to continue such relationship.

[Vesuvius87]

What if I end up leaving the man (refuse his mone) after proving what he wanted? He wanted an decent, honest woman and he got it but what if she's exhausted by then and leaves for good?

[theycallme_jd]

I agree with this, but one test certainly doesn't hurt, and it's better than being heartbroken and breaking multiple other hearts (the parents and the child), right? It's becoming frequent these days, and one test in all of this really wouldn't hurt. You think the men who found out years later are all dumbheads because they trusted the wrong person?

[theycallme_jd]

Who is to blame on the lies that occured in between the man and woman for this? You're saying it's the man for trusting her too much?

[Vesuvius87]

@theycallme_jd
This is why I stated it's an awful age we're living in. It's like everyone loses in the end. If man fully trusts and she's the wrong person, he lost. If man distrusts her and she's always been faithful, he won but can lose her afterwards (lose on a great relationship, a good future) so both lose. If he wants to just keep her as a girlfriend (never committing in fear) then it's another lose-lose; only he's getting all the benefits without risks but we're risking all our youthful years (relying on his promise to propose one day) and might then not even be able to have kids after a certain age. We lose there. Yeah no one wins since both sides have to be satisfied equally.

[Vesuvius87]

It's complicated to be honest. If only one side wins and the other loses, then it's not really a satisfied won. Ideally both genders should complement, help each other and benefit equally on commitment.

[theycallme_jd]

You're right. At the end, maybe they should just be mature enough to talk it all out, and not see betrayal later on in life. On that note, yes a paternity test could be wrong. So it really depends on the person to choose the right partner because if the trust is lost, there's nothing the betrayer is losing, but the one who is betrayed will take a long time to heal, for nothing he did wrong. So choosing a life partner is a life decision and people must do their best to make the right choice. But personally if paternity tests were made mandatory then everyone would see a win, am I right?

[Vesuvius87]

@theycallme_jd
Your sentence I would agree. There wouldn't be anymore prolonged paternity frauds. Another law that would need to be made is the man shouldn't pay a single dime if proven it's not his child, it's an automatic divorce and the woman should get fined for causing emotional distress.
Now if it's an adopted or a kid made through artificial insemination that both agreed to raise the child (if either of them are suffering infertility issues) then that's different. On that case, then he would have to pay child support.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes both need to have a great communication, express their concerns and come with a solution. There needs to be empathy on both sides.

[theycallme_jd]

Very true. That would further help families.

[theycallme_jd]

Right, that'll be the solution.

[Anonymous]

THIS is exactly why paternity tests should be mandatory so guys don't have to ask for them and look like an asshole and risk losing their mate over it.

Consider the shitty position men are in today. Multiple studies have shown the rate of paternity fraud is shockingly high. Most have shown more than 1 in 10 children are being raised by a father who thinks he is the biological father, but really isn't. Several notable studies have shown the rate is as high as 1 in 4. But regardless, it's something a lot of women do and a lot of men are victims of without knowing it.

In every case of paternity fraud there are three victims: the father who will never get to meet his child, the child who will never get to meet his/her father, and the poor guy who thinks he is raising his own child but really isn't.

It's barbaric to me that in 2024 this is even allowed to happen and society doesn't see it as an issue worth addressing, which is typical of the injustices men face. If women were the victims, can you imagine how different the reaction would be? The laws would have been changed a very long time ago.

So no, you are not justified in being upset. Put yourself in a man's shoes.

Paternity tests should be mandatory, but they never will be because society doesn't give a shit about fathers' rights. The next best thing is for every mother to insist on a paternity test so the father doesn't have to ask. Any good woman should offer to take a paternity test and not put her husband in the position your guy is in now, which is a terrible position to be in.

[RainbowMarinade]

“Multiple studies have shown the rate of paternity fraud is shockingly high. Most have shown more than 1 in 10 children are being raised by a father who thinks he is the biological father, but really isn't. Several notable studies have shown the rate is as high as 1 in 4.”
Please link the studies that show these stats.
Thanks you in advance

[Opinion Owner]

@RainbowMarinade Here are a few. Lot's of others show the same thing and can be easily found on the internet.

https://academic.oup.com/hropen/issue/2022/1

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/journal/17413729

www.thebusinessdesk.com/.../744050-ls-nearly-half-of-men-who-take-paternity-test-are-not-real-dad

[RainbowMarinade]

@anon
Your first 2 links don’t offer any information. If there are many studies, surely you can link directly to one.
The one article you did post doesn’t support the idea that “more than 1 in 10 children (20%) are being raised by a father who thinks he is the biological father, but really isn't.”
Please link directly to just a couple of the many studies that show this.
Much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

First of all you’re not wrong to feel this way. But at the same time he’s not wrong to feel this way either. It’s sad that his fears have spilt into your relationship, but that happens all the time between men and women. Do you love him that much? If so, even if you don’t agree w it, maybe just go ahead w the test. If that’s what it takes to build his trust in your relationship, then so be it if you want to be w him the rest of your life. Men have all kinds of emotions, good or bad, but a lot of times they’re dismissed by women. Something like this a lot of women would blowup about. But if it was the other way around it would be totally justified. At the same time I’d advise you not to have a child w him till the two of you are married.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about you, but a comment like that would make me rethink the entire relationship. He didn’t do the work to heal from his ex before he started dating again, and as a result, you’re having to pay for what some other woman did. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to marry into trust issues that I didn’t warrant. I wouldn’t want to live my future life walking on eggshells, over-explaining myself and so worried about losing him that I just go along with those things. That’s not the woman you should want your future daughter to aspire to be.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Absolutely, your feelings of being upset in this scenario are completely justified. It's like a mini heartbreak when someone you've dedicated four love-packed years to brings a cloud of doubt into what you envisioned as sunny skies ahead. That sting you're feeling? It's the harsh zap of trust being questioned, and it's natural to feel shaken up. However, let's sprinkle a bit of understanding into the mix. Your man is likely carrying some heavy baggage from his past, ghosted by fears that are coloring his present views. This isn't about you not being trustworthy; it's about his insecurities doing the tango in his head. So, what's the next step for you lovebirds? Channel those relationship coaching vibes into heart-to-heart conversations. It's time to unravel those fears, build bridges over past hurts, and reinforce the trust foundation. Lovebombing him with reassurance might just be the secret sauce to overcoming this hump on the path to your happily ever after. Keep the communication lines as open and indulgent as a box of Valentine's chocolates—sweet, varied, and irresistibly engaging.

[AviatorTom]

You have the right to be upset, but what's the big deal? If you know that the child would be his, why not just agree to the paternity test, knowing in advance what the results would be.

You can tell him you'd agree to a paternity test, and that both of you already know what the results would be.

[coachTanthony]

4 years lol He will never trust you so that is something you have to look forward too.

[Apple1996]

Do not have a baby with that man

[grega239]

Why?

[HighValue]

Paternity tests should be required by law. Many women have beein a relationship for years or married and trick the man into raising another person's child. For generations women have abused men and children that way.

He should get a prenuptial agreement too.

If you agree to those things, he will likely trust you much more for the rest of your relationship. He will probably value you more as a partner too if you show that you aren't like the majority of women that are deceitful and abusive.

[libsaretards]

No, it isn't justified to get upset over being asked for a paternity test. That's like trying to justify a man assuming you will have sex just because you wear a small skirt, but with higher stakes.

Guys get screwed all the time in custody and child support matters. Even if you are an honest women, the risk to a man is too great. Also, even if both of you are decent people, the odds of a relationship lasting for life are slim today. Odds are, even if the kid is not his, he will be on the hook anyways.

Paternity tests should be mandatory at birth anyways by law. If it was, there would be no awkwardness about the test. The law would take it out of your hands so there is no debate over it and a man does not have to stress fathering a child that may not be his.

[Radiate143]

Ask your mother for a pternity test.

[libsaretards]

@Radiate143 She doesn't even know who my father is and has admitted this to me.

[libsaretards]

And she is the one who has always told me to get a paternity test if I ever have a kid.

[Razp_Sorbet]

It's a perfectly normal response to be upset by the thought of your partner not trusting you. I would be hurt if my partner asked me for a paternity test, I'd still allow it because I have nothing to hide but it doesn't change that feeling of distrust.

[Radiate143]

@Razp_Sorbet ypu deserve the abuse you will get if you allow that. It sets a very dangerous precedent.

[NamerOfStars]

No, you're not wrong- but neither is he. Every guy who's getting raked over the coals in divorce court is with someone he loved and trusted, who betrayed him. More than half of all marriages break up; it's not unreasonable to want some insurance.

I'd be hurt, too, but this is the world we live in.

[Asker]

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad about it

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

As others posted this is exactly why tests should be mandatory. Considering just in the discovered abd reported cases it's over 30% of men that were raising kids that were NOT their children but, thought they were.

Sorry, but he has every right to make that request and expect it. If you have an issue you can choose to end that relationship and find another guy who is oblivious to the truth.

[PeachyPie93]

I understand you being upset because it shows he doesn't trust you, but I also understand him because even people I know personally have lied to guys about paternity. Just for them to find out after they have love and a bond to a child, paid for the child that it isn't yours.

[ProbablyClueless]

I mean... Your feelings are your feelings and your feelings should be considered, regardless of however justified you are in feeling however you feel.

But it's not a very big deal to go along with the paternity test. It's a super understandable concern on his part, and you already know it's going to tell him that the baby is his.

[JacobJordan]

*sigh* has nothing to do with trust. What information do you have that the child is yours? Well you grew it, carried it, birthed it. Quite conclusive evidence. What evidence does a man have that the child is his? Belief? Faith? Put yourself in a man's shoes for once. If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about simple as that. A paternity test is a rational/logical situation not an emotional one. Separate the two an you'll understand a bit better

[Anonymous]

I can understand you being hurt by it, but I can also understand why guys would want to ask for a paternity test. I know of two cases where fathers raised or were raising children they thought were theirs but actually weren't. Men are in an awkward position with this issue.

[genericname85]

i mean you can be but what does that help you? are you looking for a gullible partner that doesn't critically think? like you know he is the dad if there's nobody else you had sex with. but how does he "know"? he can't. and blind trust is exactly how you get scammed.

[LiamJHayden]

It is common sense to not saddle oneself with an 18 year obligation without being certain. For example:

https://www.thebusinessdesk.com/northwest/news/744050-ls-nearly-half-of-men-who-take-paternity-test-are-not-real-dad

[handsomelad70]

Have you been intimate with other men? (None of my business, but in this context, please try to understand.) If only with your boyfriend, I can see your anger at his asking you for a paternity test if you have your first child. Understand, too, that LOTS of men have been dunned for child support by women falsely claiming to be the mother of these men's children.

[pethouse]

No it’s not justified for you to be mad. He might have some unsolved trauma in his life. Plus that shit happens all the time! I read a news article saying that a man found out all 6 of his kids weren’t actually his. so yes he has every right to do a test.

[pethouse]

A 2022 study published in “Human Reproduction” delved into data from 1,211 men seeking paternity testing services in the United States. Findings revealed that 11% were not the biological fathers of the children they were raising.

www.fraud.com/.../paternity-fraud

[Chazmatazz269]

You are welcome to your feelings. Unfortunately for you, he is also welcome to his. Whether you act upon your feelings and to what extent you moderate with reason will have a direct and proportionate affect on the longevity of your relationship.

[Dantec2024]

If he really trusted you and loved you then he wouldn't have asked that of you. I feel like even if you were to go through with the paternity test he'd continue to have these insecurities throughout your relationship/marriage

[avery58]

I would be offended too. Unfortunately lots of people with shitty exes take their trust issues out on you. I've learned this the hard way which is why I won't date someone with former relationship emotional baggage anymore.

[avery58]

*With former relationship trauma/emotional baggage

[AmyHew1tt]

You are definitely justified. You really shouldn't be planning a life around this man who has no trust in you, and he shouldn't be looking for a relationship with someone who he feels he can't trust.

[grega239]

This wouldn't be an issue if women werent lying en masse about it. he's completely justifyied asking for a test

[LadyKitty]

Yes you are justified for being upset because it can feel like you aren't being trusted. I say take the partemity test more so because at hospitals they have been known to baby swap on accident!