I distanced myself from my boyfriend after seeing him cry for the first time. Any advice?

Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months, and everything was going well until almost a month ago when he cried for the first time. His mom was suddenly hospitalized (she’s fine now), and seeing him break down really changed the way I see him. It’s not that I don’t understand why he cried, but it just shattered the strong, protective image I had of him. Since then, I’ve distanced myself, and he’s noticed, asking if he did something wrong. I haven’t told him the truth yet, and I don’t want to end things, but if this continues, I might have to. Any advice?

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

I get cluster headaches also known as suicide headaches because the pain can be so unbearable that you'd do anything to make it stop!

My boyfriend was sleeping in bed with me when one night I got a cluster headache. I hadn't been with him for very long and didn't have a chance to tell him that I get cluster headaches.

I was fine before going to bed - then 15 minutes later I ran out to the couch and started screaming "God, NO!" over and over. He ran over to be by my side, not knowing what the heck was wrong with me and I couldn't speak to tell him.

He knew I was going through something terrible as he couldn't even touch me without me wincing back away from him.

He felt helpless because he couldn't help me at all and didn't know what was wrong with me.

Then I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes - he was crying in empathy for what I was going through.

When I saw him crying all I thought was "How sweet he is"!!! I thought more of him for crying because he was crying out of being a very sweet and caring person. I never thought less of him.

That first headache in front of him made me feel closer to him than any other guy I had previously been with. He stuck right by my side until it stopped after an hour of me screaming for it to stop.

It was one more thing that he did that made me fall in love with him. We were together for 6 years until he suddenly passed away last year. Now I'm the one crying.

RIP Patrick 🧸🦋💔

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

I hear what you are saying, and I think it's great you are being honest about what you are feeling. I think you should get curious about why you have this distorted perception of what makes a man strong and protective, though. Exploring what you've been exposed to, what's familiar to you, and how it affects your feelings is a good start.

However, I warn you that if you start down the road to understanding what you feel and why, it will likely bring up a lot of stuff you have buried. That's going to be really, really difficult. But on the upside, if you are pursuing truth and have the end goal of being a healthy and whole person, it will change you in all the best ways. You'll have more empathy and more ability to manage your emotions as they come.

My personal opinion is that his vulnerability made you uncomfortable because you simply aren't used to it. You want to get away because it's awkward for you. But this could be an amazing opportunity to grow and learn better patterns with someone who is capable of expressing appropriate emotion. Men who never cry aren't strong, they're walking time bombs. Just some thoughts.

blueonblack22 · Accepted Answer

And women keep saying “why don’t men show their emotions” and this ladies and gentlemen is exactly why. Precisely why. 110% the reason why. You now see him as less then a man, don’t you?

However at least I can say one thing: you know this is disgustingly unfair and you are struggling with it. He was crying for a very legitimate reason too. Would feel the same way if he cried at a funeral? From how you described this you probably would.

Anyway this is even more judgmental then I would of expected from the typical woman. Even other true hard ass men wouldn’t of judge him this harshly considering the circumstances.

So that leads me to believe that you got some childhood trauma that lead you to think this way. I think this goes further to atypical female evolutionary psychology. You might be a sociopath. I am not saying that to be insulting either. But it’s a real possibility.

My advice is not to tell him the real reason you feel this way until you get some professional help on how to deal with it. If you spoke your mind now it would be one of the deepest insults you could give a man.

BCRanger10 · Accepted Answer

"If this continues"... meaning what, exactly? If he continues to be human and have emotions? Or if you continue to feel the way that you do? I sincerely hope that it's the latter.

If he's shown that kind of vulnerability, it should make you appreciate and love the strong and protective side even more. This isn't a dog or sports team. She is his mother. She's the first woman he loved and who loved him. Showing emotion like that isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign that he's human and that he loves and cherishes his mother. It shouldn't shatter the image you have of him, but it should complete it.

I'm not going to roast you the way that some others have. At least not as badly. I'll say that in my opinion, it would be a very crummy thing to break up with him for that. If it's because you need to step back and reevaluate how you view him (and men in general) and how he engages with his emotions, that's a different story. It's something that ought to be discussed with him.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Welcome to Girls Ask Guys, where your relationship worries meet expert guidance... with a sprinkle of spice! It's totally normal to be thrown for a loop when you see your partner in a vulnerable state, but remember, being strong doesn't mean never crying! Embrace the depth of his emotions as a sign of trust and authenticity. 🤗

Instead of distancing yourself due to this revelation, lean in, talk about your feelings with him, and redefine your image of strength. He’s just being human, and humans have all kinds of layers. Stay open, and maybe you'll discover a whole new dimension to love! ❤️

Finchie40 · Answer

I’m sorry but that is pretty pathetic of you to do to him , How would you feel if he distanced himself from you , if your Mom ends up in the hospital lying on her death bed, and you were crying? Would you want him to walk away from you and give up on you? I understand you are attracted to his masculine energy that you don’t possess within yourself , but you have to understand your boyfriend has feelings as well. So it’s pretty selfish of you to not be by his side during that time. If your boyfriend was crying because you got into an argument with him? That would be one thing , but his Mom? Someone he loves with all his heart? You are best to check yourself before you wreck yourself girl. Men have feelings as well, whoever taught you otherwise, was a complete moron

mandyfire98 · Answer

He expressed real emotion appropriately and you got turned off? Just because he cried doesn't mean he isn't strong. I think you need to break up with him honestly but tell him why you are so that he doesn't have to waste his life and he can find someone better.

AviatorTom · Answer

There is nothing wrong with a man crying, showing true emotion. Try to understand why that upsets you.

RavVid · Answer

Despite women saying they want an emotionally available man, it seems they don't like men to have emotions. In particular men crying. On YT I saw a woman saying she lost all respect for a male actor when his role required him to cry.

IRL I have known women to say that when their irl guy cried it was immediate complete loss of respect.

I can understand you losing respect and it seems very necessary for women to feel respect for their man in away that just doesn't apply in the reverse.

It is unfair, as you are expecting him to be made of wood, but your reaction is your reaction so you are not a bad person for this.

It is possible for you to change your emotional reaction and perspective by engendering feelings of sympathy for his extreme distress at the time. Neurons that fire together group together and strengthen the connection. It is a mental trick we should all learn.

A friend would ask himself what is the most advantageous way to feel in these circumstances and work on feeling that response. I learn't the trick from him. it does work if you make the effort often enough.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah, don't do that.

His mother, one of the closest people to him, a pillar of his life since his literal birth, was hospitalized.

And you expect him to not he upset?

Here is a reality check: men have emotions too.

If he felt that you were close enough to show you him crying, you shouldn't use that as an excuse to avoid him.

How would you feel if he avoided you because you had the audacity to be upset and cry over being faced with your parents death?

My point is, he trusted you enough to show his sensitive side, and what you're doing because he trusted you, makes you unworthy of him.

Here is the thing. You can either get over your nonsense, and try to be worthy as an intimate partner, or you can leave him.

The latter option will leave him unable to trust anyone like that again, and leave him unable to have a truly intimate relationship ever again.

What you are doing to him is shallow, and horrid, and I hope you choose to get over it before you ruin a perfectly good relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

Not really, no. You're just (re)-discovering something important about male-female interaction: it doesn't conform to the diktats of modern-day feminism or "gender equality" or whatever. It's deeply, DEEPLY baked into our biology.

Pop culture might SAY that women "should" want a sensitive man, but biology says otherwise. The same problems arise with women out-earning men. (I JUST saw a question about that on here, by the way.). The pop culture interpretation of the "problem" of a woman earning more than a man is that the man has all kinds of issues with that due to insecurity. Of COURSE that's what the geniuses of pop culture would say. Meanwhile, here in the real world literally EVERY man I know would absolutely LOVE it if his wife or girlfriend brought in an extra million bucks!

So what IS the problem then? It's that, on average, it kills the attraction a woman feels for her man. Again, a biological drive is that women seek out men of higher social and economic status than they have. It's just baked in. Because for whatever reason we INSIST that people are blind to this it leads to very bad advice.

Keyboardkat · Answer

Tell me something: Just exactly WHY is it that guys are not allowed to have feelings or to cry when something seriously bad happens, such as a loss, or almost-loss, of a loved one, or the loss of a love relationship (which is experienced by the brain as a "death")? This nonsense is one of the reasons, I would venture to say, why statistically men die at younger ages than women do! You'r KILLING us, ladies, with your ridiculous, unrealistic "man of steel" stereotypes and demands. I think it's time, young lady, for you to grow up and treat your guy as the human being he is. If I were subjected to this from a girl, I'd dump her. I would feel that I deserve better than that. I'm a person, not a symbol!

Account · Answer

I dont understand you, therefore I am unable to give you advice. In fact the fact that someone allows their emotions to show is a form of bravery to me and that is something admirable.

I would like him even more for that, rather than if he kept his composure and fought with himself on the inside in order to keep up a fake front.
That is why I do not understand your reaction.

I would have been devastated if he kept his feelings and controlled them because that would have meant that he doesn't trust me enough to show his pain.

Nik1hil · Answer

Leave him.. Your Pussy is Dried up for him...

You are a Shallow Low Quality Women, he deserves Better, even if that means living alone.

This is exactly what people mean when they say, Most women are Low Quality Today.

You would happily Watch him die on his High Horse, rather than let him step down from it for a few days, to treat his injuries and lick his wounds.

Women of 1970's and before now those were the High Value women. If they saw their men Cry, they wouldn't Perceive him as weak, instead see him as a Knight Injured in glorious battle and care for him like their own child. And within Few Days as his wounds heal. He would climb back on the Horse and Proudly Go to War for her..

It used to be beautiful 🥺🥺 now Just Hoes 🤧🤧

ManOnFire · Answer

He cried because it's his own  mom . In the hospital. Like wtf is wrong with you to look at that as something shameful for him? And then want to "distance yourself." You just showed us who you are, and hopefully he sees it too and dumps your sorry ass. This is just disgusting.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

Well don’t tell him you lost attraction because he cried, he’ll internalize that and never cry again, which just isn’t healthy. My question is why not see the strength it takes him to be vulnerable and adjust that to the image you have of him in your mind?

lyrem04 · Answer

Girl, I will hold your hands when I’ll tell you this but… you’re the problem.

Abbycado · Answer

Jesus. If he cried at a parent passing, would you view him as weak? Ffs @agape93

idonotlikeyou · Answer

Grow up and accept reality - people feel emotions, and emotions can lead to tears. In both women and men. Tears of joy and sadness. If you want to judge people for crying, then break up with that guy. You’ll actually be doing him a favor because he’ll quickly get over you and find a woman who appreciates him for who he is.

godfatherfan · Answer

That is fine. As long as it is ok for hm to treat you like less of a human being if you ever cry. As long as you don't mind him thinking you are a sad human being if you cry ever. How do you like that?
Do this guy a favor and dump him. He deserves so much better then you.

TheorionMage · Answer

Generally, a man's tears are his emotional response to recognition that in this particular matter he is POWERLESS to affect a beneficial outcome... and so he weeps,  to 'vent' his frustration, rather than to let those emotions fester and grow cancerous~  Be honored that he trusts you enough to share that vulnerability WITH you.

thatshydork · Answer

Maybe try and figure out why men showing real emotion turned you off and go from there. Crying when your mom is in the hospital is completely valid and understandable.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Break up with him! It is clear that if that would turn you off you don't actually love the man or you have a lot of growing up to do. A man crying should make you feel worse than seeing a woman cry because men don't cry easily.

GOLDFISH_smile · Answer

I think i can help.

If you enjoy movies at all, can you think of a few strong/protective male characters that you like or find attractive for those reasons? Or even a celebrity or real-world famous man of any kind who's character you admire & find attractive like that?

Anonymous · Answer

You suck. Let him go so he can find a normal human being and you go find a robot void of humanoid emotions.

SixFootSexy · Answer

This is straight up heartless. Unless you were already planning on leaving, don't be in a relationship with anyone other than a sociopath, if this is how you view men.

EmmaMary · Answer

For fuck's sake  Grow Up  and try acting your age.

Unit1 · Answer

"but it just shattered the strong, protective image I had of him."

There you have it girls. This is why men don't cry near you or show emotions.

This relationship is finished. Do him one last favor and suggest him AI Girlfriends.

Ariesman81 · Answer

I'm really confused why so many people are saying to leave this guy in the dark, with no closure. This is reality. It's biology. It's nature. It's cruel. It's unfair. But it's real!

And as for the men who want to leave him in the dark... shame on you!

Staximus · Answer

If he thought his mom was going to die then half the men in this world would probably cry, too. You're a cold piece of work. Like others said, you may be a sociopath or highly functioning autistic, or have unresolved childhood trauma. I strongly suggest you get sterilized so that you do not pass on your curse of having no empathy. I also strongly suggest you see a good psychologist.

mobiusforniner · Answer

Honestly, if a man being vulnerable with you makes you want to run the other direction, you’re not in the relationship with balanced altruism, but rather for what you  want  out of him; and thus, that man deserves someone better.

AmeerX · Answer

You are the type of women that are responsible for men not showing any emotions or support from their wives. Good luck he deserves better and I hope someone leaves you too when you need them the most.

dragoblack · Answer

To start... throw away your mental idealism of him and see him as a person. Accept he is a person and not some emotionless strong being. If you can't accept men have emotions, regardless of how strong they are, all relationships you will have will fail.

Berethor · Answer

Most women don't like weak men, so it understandable, a man should control himself.

missindiana93 · Answer

Yeah your terrible person. That's so heartless to do. Go find some other heartless person to be with. People like you suck.

jojouzumaki · Answer

I think you should end the relationship as soonest. He deserve someone who respects, accepts, understands and values his personality mostly him being vulnerable.

Anonymous · Answer

soo you'll be single for the rest of your life if you think men who cry are somehow not "strong and protective". do you want to date a psychopath who never cries? are you listening to yourself?

Squishyfeet · Answer

Yikes. The poor guy was vulnerable in front of you because he trusted you, and you shut him down and think less of him? You shouldn’t be in that relationship

Phoenix98 · Answer

And women wonder why we show no emotions and keep everything bottled deep down inside and to ourselves this is a prime example of why.

Because the moment we do women break things off or distance themselves from us.

Anonymous · Answer

You are typical of women today, you say you want men to show emotion/vulnerability and as soon as we you want nothing to do with them.

You do not deserve the guy, he was stressed having to deal with his mothers hospitalisation, he shows how much he cares for her and you cannot take it.

This is much like your previous post where you boyfriend says he needs a bit of alone time but its you who feels hurt, everything in this relationship seems to focused on you.

lightbulb27 · Answer

so I guess you have some security issues. is that consistently a theme or temporary? you appear to be afraid of vulnerability and crying. So where in your past did you experience this...

Samantha_Stevenson · Answer

Wait, I thought women wanted men to 'Show their emotions" and be open?

exitseven · Answer

His mother was hospitalized. I would be more concerned if he didn;t cry.

Anonymous · Answer

You need to break up with his as soon as you can. He deserves someone who can support him when things get tough.  He can find bettet

WhitneySnow · Answer

That’s really harsh. Men cry too. Doesn’t mean he can’t protect you.

Miristheiss · Answer

You should be alone. You aren't worthy of relationships.  You sound twisted and slightly evil.

spartan55 · Answer

And women wonder why we don't share our feelings...

Anonymous · Answer

I know this is a troll post, but it's fking hilarious how many dishonest responses you're getting. Pretty much every woman operates this way. They just don't want to admit it to themselves.

Wiredone · Answer

So you don't want him to have feelings? Some things can break down even a really strong man. If you don't think he is the strong man that you thought he was, break up with him. He deserves better than you

JesseP1nk · Answer

Seeeeeeeee! thats what i am talking about. It is coded to DNA that men have to be strong and protect woman and provide for him. Otherwise that exactly happens. Same thing happens when guy make less money than his girlfriend.

Vegasrunner · Answer

You're going to have to break up because you're not going to be able to respect him this is exactly why I tell guys not to be emotional around women.

Anonymous · Answer

4 women responding one condemning this act. And even then only anonymously.  I can't imagine why guys do not open up to women and show vulnerability.😆

In_Trance · Answer

This is exactly why men are hesitant to open up to women.  You might as well break up now because this is never going to change.  You fucked it up

nawtee_me · Answer

Yes, this is not about him but you… why are you distancing yourself? Are men not to show emotions? Emotions aren’t a sign of weakness they are a sign of being human….

InfiniteExplorer · Answer

Men are not Terminators. Women are not Cotton Candy. Don't have such expectations from any man because men are not objects of power. You are such an ungrateful loser that you don't deserve a respectable man who loves his mother.

Cheerfull009 · Answer

His mother was sick and seriou, so he cried due to grief and instead of consoling , you are insulting him and thinking to break, you are very cruel woman don't have sympathy with your partner, such women should be left and no relationship

Anonymous · Answer

attraction can't be forced you're just human just like anyone else users here shaming you are just virtue signaling

NathanDavis · Answer

my advice would be... find your heart...

CaptainSmartass · Answer

You're better off without him. He's a pansy. You should find a proper man. Simples...

TheStaleMarshmellow · Answer

You want a MAN to SMACK the SHIT out of you to release emotions. I get it 😉

es20490446e · Answer

Maybe the kind of boyfriend you are aiming for is a psychopath.

captain_voidwalker · Answer

You see ladies this is why us men bottle our feelings up until it either explodes into homicidal rage or gives us cancer

LiamJHayden · Answer

So he lost your respect because he is not a sociopath?

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Advice? Grow up.

Ironco · Answer

He definitely needs to find a new girlfriend. He deserves better from a girlfriend.

I distanced myself from my boyfriend after seeing him cry for the first time. Any advice?

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My long-distance boyfriend cried in my arms—was it just emotions and did I respond right?

I distanced myself from my boyfriend after seeing him cry for the first time. Any advice?

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My long-distance boyfriend cried in my arms—was it just emotions and did I respond right?

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